The ISIHAC
Celebrity Misquotes Page

Last Updated
03 Jan 2007

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds includes suggestions for Celebrity Misquotes - things famous people would never have said. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

Apparently, the idea for this round stems from the old Somerset saying: "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, you had to walk in to Minehead!" (Cheltenham - 29 Jun 1996)

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Pablo Picasso: Can you see what it is yet? Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
The Orange Order: Well, I suppose we don't have to go this way. Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
John Prescott: Let me say this in plain English. Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Jonathan Aitken (from Ford open prison): I'll have breakfast in my room - full works...eggs, bacon, oh, & a copy of the Guardian. Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Horatio Nelson: Half a bottle of Optrex please. Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
The Turner Prize judges: We don't know much about art, but...tuff! Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Marcel Marceau: Ello! Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
St. Paul: I'm sure there's a perfectly rational, scientific explanation for all this. Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Puccini: Well, I'm quite pleased with it, but it is quite a bit Andrew Lloyd-Webberish, isn't it? Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Franz Hals: Can't you cavaliers be serious for one moment? Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Henry VIII: I would like to stay friends. Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
O.J. Simpson: Watch yourself - That's sharp! Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Bill Clinton: Please!...I'm married! Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Jonathan Miller: Of course, I'm no expert on the subject. Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Pablo Picasso: It looks just like you, doesn't it? Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
John Major: Did you see me give my all in Florence?...or what it an episode of Magic Roundabout you missed? Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Douglas Hogg: Good morning. I'd like a really smart hat Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Roy Jenkins: Round the ragged rocks, the ragged rascal ran! Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Duchess of York: That's enough! Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Hugh Grant: Don't do that! Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Princess Di: I want to be the Queen of Clubs Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Forrest Gump: Hello. My name is Forrest Gump, and my momma used to say pocere subiet et de bolare superbo (sorry - my attempt at transcribing Latin!) Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Wordsworth: What rhymes with 'Hills'? Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Oliver Reed: Make mine a half Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Marquis de Sade: No need to get nasty! Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
John Redwood: Of course I'm an Earthling! Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Paula Yates: Let's call her 'Mary' Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Jesus Christ: Total bastards shall inherit the Earth Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Clive Anderson: No, you talk, I'll listen Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Duchess of York: Have this one on me Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Vinnie Jones: Violent...Moi?? Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Andrew Neil: In all modesty... Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Oprah Winfrey: Your private life is no concern of mine Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Beethoven: There's no need to shout! Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Anthea Turner: I know my limitations Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Demi Moore: Tim, I may not be much, but take me! (offered by Tim Brooke-Taylor!) Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Michaelangelo: Sorry I only do floors London
11 Dec 1993
Ghandi: 'Ere mush, you tryin' to be funny? London
11 Dec 1993
Peter Lilley: I'm retiring to run a charm school London
11 Dec 1993
The Pope: Are you alright for the weekend, Sir? London
11 Dec 1993
Mary Whitehouse: I'm a bum & tit woman myself London
11 Dec 1993
Julius Caesar: Oh come on, is it veni, vidi, vici or weni, weedi, wici? London
11 Dec 1993
Julius Caesar: Bloody Brutus! I knew you'd be in the thick if it! London
11 Dec 1993
Tony Slattery: Ooh! I wouldn't appear on that! London
11 Dec 1993
Alexander Graham Bell: It's engaged! Unknown
30 May 1992
Claire Rayner: I don't care Unknown
30 May 1992
Barbara Cartland: I won't be two seconds. I'll just put my make-up on Unknown
30 May 1992
Julian Clary: My mother-in-law... Unknown
30 May 1992
Paul Gascoigne: I thought very carefully before I made the tackle, as my prime concern was to win the ball cleanly Unknown
30 May 1992
Winston Churchill: Should Herr Hitler ever set foot on the shores of our beloved country, you will not see my baggy striped trousers for dust Unknown
30 May 1992
Mother Teresa: I was so drunk last night, I ended up going home with a couple of sailors! Unknown
30 May 1992
Saddam Hussein: I'm as sick as a parrot. The better team won on the day, I'm just sorry I let the lads down Unknown
30 May 1992
The Queen: Oh No! Not another tax bill! Unknown
30 May 1992
Peter Brough: Bottle of beer Unknown
30 May 1992
Jeffrey Archer: I want to be left alone Unknown
30 May 1992
Neil Kinnock: To cut a long story short... Unknown
30 May 1992
Dracula: Open the box! Oxford
27 Jun 1992
General Custer: One hundred and eighty! Oxford
27 Jun 1992
Queen Victoria: That Bernard Manning - now he does amuse us Oxford
27 Jun 1992
Ted Heath: That Margaret Roberts, she looks a bit useful Oxford
27 Jun 1992
Madonna: Hang on a minute - I'm just getting dressed Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Cliff Richard: What do you mean, you're pregnant? Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Long John Silver: I'll take the pair Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Any member of the 1992 cabinet: Now this is a resignation issue Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Melvyn Bragg: TUNES Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Van Gogh: I want a Walkman for Christmas Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Oliver Reed: I'll just have a half Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
The Duke Of Wellington, at Waterloo: Stuff this for a game of soldiers Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Ken Russell: Sorry love, that's a bit over the top Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Eve (to Adam): Is there someone else? Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Iain Paisley: Can you hear me at the back? Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Moses: Oh, they're free? I'll take ten Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Jeffrey Archer: I think it could do with a re-write Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
Judas Escariot: Can you make it a cheque?
Pete Sampras: It's the British players that worry me Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Michelle Pffeifer: My goodness. I'd like to get that Tim Brooke-Taylor under the mistletoe
O.J. Simpson: Oh great, I've been looking for those gloves
Florence Nightingale: What do we want? A rise
When do we want it? Now
Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Jane Austen: I usually write the sex bits first Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec: The highballs are on me! Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Margaret Thatcher: I really hope John is voted back in Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Jonathan Lomu: Excuse me - would you mind if I came through? Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Henry VIII: Whatever you say, my dear Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Rasputin: Mine's a Babycham Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Linda McCartney: Yum-Yum! Jugged hare! Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Jeffrey Archer: Look, in all honesty... Radio Theatre
24 Jun 1995
Bernard Manning: Luxury item Sue, the collected works of Ezra Pound Oxford
27 Jun 1992
Adam, from the Garden of Eden: Hello, sweetie! Oxford
27 Jun 1992
President George Bush: Watch my lips - blblllbbblblbllbb Oxford
27 Jun 1992
John Prescott, M.P.: I'm saying nothing... Oxford
27 Jun 1992
Harold Wilson: The buck stops here
10 Sep 1979
David Frost or Bianca Jagger: Please, no cameras, I want to be alone
10 Sep 1979
Queen Victoria: What I like is a really good laugh
10 Sep 1979
Richard Nixon: D'ya wanna come round and hear the tapes?
10 Sep 1979
John Inman: Let's grab a couple of pints, and go out and pull a few birds
10 Sep 1979
Brian Clough: Of course David, I might be wrong...
10 Sep 1979
Joan Collins: No
10 Sep 1979
Edward Heath: Yes
10 Sep 1979
Laurence Llewlyn-Bowen: Do you think this makes me look a bit camp? Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Jerry Springer: Your private life is no concern of mine Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Jeremy Hardy: And now here's a song you'll all recognise Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Picasso: Can ya see what it is yet? Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Richard Littlejohn: Well I'd need to give that some thought before I express an opinion Leicester
10 Jun 2002
BBC2 controller,Jane Root: My biggest ambition is to get The Goodies back on my channel Leicester
10 Jun 2002
The Duke of Edinburgh: Far be it from me to comment Leicester
10 Jun 2002
David Attenborough: No, pass me the big gun Leicester
10 Jun 2002
King Harold: 20-20, me Leicester
10 Jun 2002
David Starkey: Where are my manners? Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Graham Norton: I do Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Neil & Christine Hamilton: Oh, we couldn't do that! Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Queen Victoria: I pissed myself!!! Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Barry Cryer: No thanks. I've already had a half Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Tim Brooke-Taylor: No, I'll get them in Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Charlie Dimmock: Gosh. It lifts and separates! Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Boutros Boutros Ghali: Oh so you're called Boutros Boutros as well Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Vinny Jones: Ooh, you made me jump Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Nicholas Parsons: Oh you don't want me in the photograph Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Cleopatra: Does my asp look big in this? Kevin Hale
Albert Einstein: e = mc Hammer Kevin Hale
The Pope: Are you alright for the weekend, Sir? Oxford
27 Jun 1992
Cedric Brown (Boss of British Gas): LOADSAMONEY!!! 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Michelle Pfieffer: My goodness, I'd like to get that Rushton under the mistletoe... 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Julia Somerville: Someday my prince will come 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
O.J. Simpson: Oh great, I've been looking for those gloves 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Kelvin McKenzie: My word, I'd like to get that Janet Street-Porter under the mistletoe 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
The Queen Mother: Come on nurses - let's conga 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
The artist Damien Hurst: Whoops! Sorry Daisy! 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Duchess Of York: No, no, I'll pay 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Bruce Grobelaar: I'm a dedicated follower of Fashanu 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Laurence Llewlyn-Bowen: Do you think this makes me look a bit camp? ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Jerry Springer: Your private life is no concern of mine ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Jeremy Hardy: And now here's a song you'll all recognise ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Picasso: Can ya see what it is yet? ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Richard Littlejohn: Well I'd need to give that some thought before I express an opinion ISIHAC 8, Side 2
BBC2 controller,Jane Root: My biggest ambition is to get The Goodies back on my channel ISIHAC 8, Side 2
The Duke of Edinburgh: Far be it from me to comment ISIHAC 8, Side 2
David Attenborough: No, pass me the big gun ISIHAC 8, Side 2
King Harold: 20-20, me ISIHAC 8, Side 2
David Starkey: Where are my manners? ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Graham Norton: I do ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Neil & Christine Hamilton: Oh, we couldn't do that! ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Queen Victoria: I pissed myself!!! ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Barry Cryer: No thanks. I've already had a half ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Tim Brooke-Taylor: No, I'll get them in ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Charlie Dimmock: Gosh. It lifts and separates! ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Boutros Boutros Ghali: Oh so you're called Boutros Boutros as well ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Vinny Jones: Ooh, you made me jump ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Nicholas Parsons: Oh you don't want me in the photograph ISIHAC 8, Side 2
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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