| When visiting Harrods, do ask the head of stationery - a Mr. Al-Fayed - where he keeps his brown envelopes | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| Millwall fans are known as 'Fairies' | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| You can time your journey by checking the time-table posted at any bus stop | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| It is considered bad form to fall asleep in the theatre, so book a few wake-up calls on your mobile phone | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| Visit the Almeda Theatre, Islington, & enjoy their regular afternoon bingo | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| People in a queue are actually waiting for you to go first | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| Genuine Rolex watches are so in demand, they are sold on the streets before they can reach the shops | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| Outside Buckingham Palace, it is customary to shout 'We Want Fergie!' | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| Taxi driving is a lonely life - encourage drivers to share their opinions | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| A sure-fire way to start a conversation with an Englishman is: 'You must be very excited about your Millennium Dome' | Islington
13 Dec 1997 |
| Don't miss Wimbledon Fortnight, but remember to get there early to book the court | Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995 |
| Should you come across Germaine Greer in your travels, ask her how her hysterectomy went | Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995 |
| Traffic Wardens are usually addressed as 'Tit Face' | Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995 |
| We have some very fine spa waters in England - Buxton, Malvern, Bath etc - if in Bath, the best thing to say to your waitress is 'I would very much like to drink your Bath water' | Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995 |
| The English for lavatory is 'Pizza Hut' | Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995 |
| Please do not consult your maps in the middle of the pavement - zebra crossings are provided for this purpose | Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995 |
| What better guide to the lifestyle of a typical Englishman than an Innovations catalogue | Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995 |
| Warning - pickpockets: Trafalgar Square is now heavily policed - you'd do better in Bond Street | |
| Always kiss nightclub bouncers | |
| Put your money on England in the cricket - the Australian fast bowlers are a spent force | |
| Do remember that Yorkshiremen love to have the piss taken out of them | |
| American motorists: remember that in Britain you won't be able to fill your car up with 'gasoline' - we call it 'diesel' | |
| A good ice-breaker at dinner parties is how dreadful it must have been for the Germans during the War | |
| Visitors to the Garrick Club are reminded that it is customary to dress as Spice Girls | |
| Ask for the delicious bacon sandwiches at Bloom's Kosher Restaurant | |
| To hear English spoken as it should be, tune in to The Teletubbies | |
| Do take advantage of London's self-drive taxis. They're easily distinguished by the flashing blue light on the top | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| Lonely Hearts: Try writing you phone number in heavy magic marker on the inside of phone booths | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| Remember in England, no trousers are worn in church | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| Prostitution is now legal in Britain, and anyone can get themselves fixed up simply by ringing the organiser, Mrs. Mary Whitehouse | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| No tourist should go home without taking their own photgraph of Pamela Stephenson | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| The best time to visit an Australian dentist is immediately after lunch | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| For actors coming to Britain, there's a church in Covent Garden, and when the first lesson reaches "And Javel begat Enoch", it is customary for visiting actors from overseas to rise and say "Oh no he didn't" | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| ...and there's a writer's church as well, and visiting writers should rise after the first lesson and shout "Author!" | Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982 |
| Feeling peckish? On most streets you will find complimentary cats and dogs | |
| You always know where you are with Radio 4 | |
| Go to an O'Neill's bar for an authentic taste of old Ireland | |
| Before leaving a swimming pool, it is considered polite to top it up | |
| Our prostitues stand outside offices smoking cigarettes | |
| Have you tried the echo in the reading room of the British Museum? | 30 Jul 1979 |
| For some extraordinary reason, most of the guide books leave out Cricklewood | 30 Jul 1979 |
| You can go by car if you like, but it's not a long walk to Stratford | 30 Jul 1979 |
| You must try the open air loos in Trafalgar Square | 30 Jul 1979 |
| When the organ starts in Westminster Abbey, the first couple on the dance floor win a prize | 30 Jul 1979 |
| If you have kids, don't miss the Battersea fun-fair | 30 Jul 1979 |
| Help yourself to the free gifts in Harrods | 30 Jul 1979 |
| Hire a donkey and join in Trooping The Colour | 30 Jul 1979 |
| As a mark of respect, in Westminster Abbey, trousers are not worn | 22 Aug 1981 |
| On May Day, put bedsheets on your head, and a pointed hat, and ride through Brixton | 22 Aug 1981 |
| On Grand National day, why not enjoy a picnic under the hedge at Becher's Brook | 22 Aug 1981 |
| When visiting the Tower of London, don't forget to take a club for the traditional Raven's Cull | 22 Aug 1981 |
| A pint of bitter is known in England colloqually as a 'Pyours', so go into a pub and shout at the barman "A Pyours!" | 22 Aug 1981 |
| And remember that in this country, before leaving a railway compartment, it is considered polite to pass wind | 22 Aug 1981 |
| Don't be afraid - taxi drivers expect you to bargain with them | 22 Aug 1981 |
| When you go to a pub, remember that all drinks are free when it says 'Free House' outside | 10 Oct 1981 |
| You naughty male continental visitors, be sure to visit the rather saucy sauna at 10 Downing Street | 10 Oct 1981 |
| Here's a culinary suggestion - always insist on clotted cream with the traditional North Country Black Pudding | 10 Oct 1981 |
| Why not enter the Barbara Cartland Dirty Limerick Competition? | 10 Oct 1981 |
| Only use the famous Tower Bridge gents when it is up | 10 Oct 1981 |
| Join the race down The Mall - the first to hurdle the Palace railings wins a Tattoo voucher | 10 Oct 1981 |
| As we approach 1992, driving on the right hand side of the road is now optional | 17 Nov 1990 |
| If you're staying with a British family, it is considered polite on leaving to pay their Poll Tax | 17 Nov 1990 |
| The old market in Bond Street is worth a visit, but don't forget to haggle | 17 Nov 1990 |
| Do join in the old custom of vaulting the gates of Downing Street | 17 Nov 1990 |
| If you're anywhere in the vicinity of the Prince of Wales, then a traditional cry of "Break a leg, Charlie!" will always go down well | 17 Nov 1990 |
| See the waxworks in the House of Lords | 17 Nov 1990 |
| Make use of the London policeman - "Hello bobby" you say, "Be an absolute pig and show us the way to Ruislip" | 17 Nov 1990 |
| Remember in this country, taxi queues face backwards | 17 Nov 1990 |
| If you see any red & white cones on the motorway, pick them up | 17 Nov 1990 |
| Don't forget to pack your shotguns, 'cos there's fine hunting at Longleat, Whipsnade... | 17 Nov 1990 |
| Enjoy football. Go to Tottenham and join in the traditional Spurs supporters cries. Encouraging chants like "We are the Gunners, We are Arsenal" | 17 Nov 1990 |
| When entering the Gents, it is protocol to smile at everybody and shout out 'Hello, naughty!' | 17 Nov 1990 |
| If wanting to get to Stratford-on-Avon, get on the Central Line tube, and ask again | 20 Jul 1991 |
| The Chinese visitor could be encouraged to dream up a new Pit Bull & Rice recipe | 20 Jul 1991 |
| Don't miss Trooping The Colour, where you can join in the traditional game of 'Grab the Flag' | 20 Jul 1991 |
| Go to the Paris Theatre, Lower Regent Street - you can't miss the sign - BBC (Bare Breasted Cavortings), and see FREE, live sex involving men at desks | 20 Jul 1991 |
| Our open air lavatories are called Mercurys | 20 Jul 1991 |
| Join in the raven shooting at the Tower of London | 20 Jul 1991 |
| It is an old English tradition, and a useful one given the lack of public conveniences in London today, that it is quite legal to relieve yourself on the near left leg of a police horse | 20 Jul 1991 |
| Pianist Alfred Brendel is appearing tonight at the Royal Albert Hall...and remember...it's Karaoke Night! | 20 Jul 1991 |
| Do not urinate in swimming pools. Use the top board | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| Beggars can be paid by direct debit | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| Always park with your nearside tyres neatly between the yellow lines | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| Tickets for the next pop concert at the Palace are available from booths outside the Palace, manned by men in bearskins | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| Hotel chambermaids will replace your towels if you throw them in the bath. Do not be put off by their screams | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| Male brothels are indicated with a blue lamp outside | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| When attending opera at Covent Garden, join in the arias | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| The hedgehog is sacred | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| Remember the country code. Gates are sometimes blown shut by the wind. Help the farmers and prop them open | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| When using a mobile phone while driving, keep the other hand free for signals | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| On public transport, don't be fooled by the uniformed beggars who go round asking for tickets | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| The traditional greeting for Welsh rugby supporters is 'BAAAA' | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| When travelling in Scotland, make Hastings your base | Hastings
17 Jun 2002 |
| Pop in for a free eye test, any time of day or night, at Number 10 Downing Street | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Ladies: When in an Anglican church, please join in the sermon | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Go into any public house and shout "Mine's a large Fatima Whitbread!" | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Japanese visitors: British Rail porters are always addressed as 'Bastard' | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Japanese visitors: Just go into the lobby of Madame Tussaud's, and see how long it is before somebody comes up and says "No. Come on. Be fair. This is quite a good George Bush" | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Treat the whole family to a day out at the American style theme park at Greenham Common | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Make use of the phones in our open, one-person public lavatories | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Any taxi with its light on will be only too pleased to take you anywhere, any time | 07 Jan 1989 |
| Skateboarders should head for Westminster Abbey | 16 Nov 1991 |
| When in Scotland, don't worry - haggis is just the Gaelic word for a vegetarian dish | 16 Nov 1991 |
| As we approach 1992, driving on the right hand side of the road is now considered optional | 16 Nov 1991 |
| The citizens of Glasgow love to hear foreigners imitating their accent, especially in a pub on a Friday night | 16 Nov 1991 |
| Traffic wardens are always addressed as 'shove it!' | 16 Nov 1991 |
| If you need to get across London in a hurry, try the Bakerloo line | 16 Nov 1991 |
| Language students are advised to copy the vowel sounds of a Mr. Derek Jameson | 16 Nov 1991 |
| Men: Try midnight orienteering on Hampstead Heath | 16 Nov 1991 |
| Barbara Windsor is a member of the Royal Family | 16 Nov 1991 |
| Pop in for a free eye test, any time of day or night, at Number 10 Downing Street | 13 Jan 1990 |
| Ladies: When in an Anglican church, please join in the sermon | 13 Jan 1990 |
| Go into any public house and shout "Mine's a large Fatima Whitbread!" | 13 Jan 1990 |
| Japanese visitors: British Rail porters are always addressed as 'Bastard' | 13 Jan 1990 |
| Japanese visitors: Just go into the lobby of Madame Tussaud's, and see how long it is before somebody comes up and says "No. Come on. Be fair. This is quite a good George Bush" | 13 Jan 1990 |
| Treat the whole family to a day out at the American style theme park at Greenham Common | 13 Jan 1990 |
| Make use of the phones in our open, one-person public lavatories | 13 Jan 1990 |
| Any taxi with its light on will be only too pleased to take you anywhere, any time | 13 Jan 1990 |
