The ISIHAC
Unhelpful Advice Page

Last Updated
05 Jan 2008

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds includes suggestions for Unhelpful Advice in certain situations. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)


Situations:

Misleading Advice for the foreign visitor to a Railway Station
Misleading Advice for the foreign visitor to the British Countryside
Misleading Etiquette
Unhelpful Advice for Christmas
Unhelpful Advice for the first time visitor to Britain
Unhelpful Advice for the Newly Married Couple
Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to a Church
Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to Stonehenge
Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to the British Museum
Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to the Christies Auction House
Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to the Madame Tussaud's
Unhelpful Advice for Travellers
Unhelpful Advice in the School Sex Education Class
Unhelpful Edinburgh Fringe Tour Guide


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Misleading Advice for the foreign visitor to a Railway Station

When leaving the train, it is traditional to leave a leaf on the line York
15 Nov 1999
On any journey, you could easily come across Mr John Prescott as he always travels by train. Be careful though of the wild animals in the guards van as he likes to take his two Jaguars with him York
15 Nov 1999
It is customary when using the gents lavatory at York station, to greet visitors with a friendly pat on the bottom York
15 Nov 1999
Before entering the toilet on the train, it is customary to remove your shoes and socks as a mark of respect York
15 Nov 1999
Don't buy your own newspaper, as people on trains like to share York
15 Nov 1999
The men with notepads at the end of the platform are colourful characters with full and interesting lives York
15 Nov 1999
If you would like a coffee, attract staff by pulling the large red handle in your compartment York
15 Nov 1999
Gents toilets are marked 'W.H.Smith', and they never run out of paper York
15 Nov 1999
When you arrive, you will find that bus timetables are co-ordinated with the arrival of all trains York
15 Nov 1999
Please discourage the professional beggars operating on trains, who approach you with the words 'Tickets Please' York
15 Nov 1999
On a Sunday, you can travel from York to Peterborough in under 7 hours! York
15 Nov 1999
A Virgin train means one that is brand new York
15 Nov 1999
The railways are safer, cleaner and more efficient since privatisation York
15 Nov 1999
Yes, this is the London train Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
Best be quick. The pork pies are always popular Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
Connecting doors between carriages are all automatic Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
Please lean out of the windows Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
Comfortable hammocks are located above the seats Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
'125' means it's a train that will stop on request Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
This train will be on time, and our inspector will be pleased to give you any information you require Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
The ticket collectors are always happy to change a fifty pound note Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
Cheerful porters will carry your luggage Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
We're Getting There Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
British Rail personally pick & train their own hostesses on the stations. Their telephone numbers can be found in any phone kiosk Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
All our pies are fresh. Please ignore the barking Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
The sausage rolls are meant to move Paris Studios, London
16 Aug 1986
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Misleading Advice for the foreign visitor to the British Countryside

Regular buses serve all areas Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
£50 notes can be changed at any pub - you don't have to buy a drink Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
If you're visiting Glastonbury, the last weekend in June is quite quiet Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
Gates often blow shut. Make sure that you wedge them open properly Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
It is common practice to pick-your-own sheep Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
The Euro is accepted everywhere Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
If you enjoy cheery conversation and a good laugh, talk to a farmer...especially if you're French! Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
The locals like it if you give large chalk figures, hats Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
The English words for a government-sponsored brothel are 'W.I. Cake Stall' Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
The fields around Longleat House are ideal for camping Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
If you're invited for a game of croquet, it's traditional to give your host a gift of a dozen moles Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
The English words for 'Car Park' are 'Cricket Square' Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
Enjoy a bowl of the traditional cold soup - it's known as 'Slurry' Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
Wales is nice Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Misleading Etiquette

When a lady enters a room, always stand, with the words "Blimey! That one shot me right out of my seat!" Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
When addressed by British royalty, they prefer for you to answer in German Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
At this time of year, if your bin men knock on the door and give you a Christmas card, it's traditional to tear it up and say "What d'you come here for? The bins are round the back" Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
At a funeral, don't forget to throw an old mattress in the hole for luck Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
When shown baby pictures, take an interest, saying things like "I didn't know you two were cousins" or "You know, you can do wonders with Photoshop" Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
[ The English are reserved about kissing, and tend to save using tongues till the second encounter Not broadcast] Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
If, when driving, a police car flashes you from behind, it means that you are not going fast enough. [ Acknowledge the police officers with the customary two-fingered salute and accelerate quickly Not broadcast] Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
[ The official greeting for the Duchess of Kent is "I hear you go like a tram" Not broadcast] Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
[ In Britain, if you receive a mobile phone call whilst out in the street, it is traditional and courteous to find the nearest library, where you can pop inside and speak at full volume Not broadcast] Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
[ Always compliment a woman at dinner. Try something like "You look like a model. Let's hope you can keep that down" Not broadcast] Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
British men consider you rude if you don't share their urinal Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
If you don't know the words of football chants, entertain the opposing fans with songs from West Side Story Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
The correct way to greet the Bishop of Southwark is "Get out of my car, you're pissed, Your Grace" Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Unhelpful Advice for Christmas

It's at a party. Why don't you go over there and have a really lively conversation with John Biffin? 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
Why don't you join in the lumberjack's tree-felling contest in Trafalgar Square? 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
Do take advantage of British Rail's free travel on Christmas Day 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
If a policeman profers you a breathalyser, you should oblige him with a specimen as quickly as possible 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
To ensure the best possible flavour, frozen turkeys should not be defrosted until the last possible minute - never more than 10 minutes before cooking. Always allow one turkey per person 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
There's no need to buy batteries, as there is always a battery with every toy, but there's bound to be a shop open on Christmas Day where you can buy one anyway 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
For value for money at Christmas, for any foreigners here, the way to get British craftsmanship at its best, along with examples of British wit, you can do no better than buy a box of crackers 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
English carol singers love our cry of 'Sod off, snotty breath!' 1980 Xmas Special
24 Dec 1980
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Unhelpful Advice for the first time visitor to Britain

When visiting Harrods, do ask the head of stationery - a Mr. Al-Fayed - where he keeps his brown envelopes Islington
13 Dec 1997
Millwall fans are known as 'Fairies' Islington
13 Dec 1997
You can time your journey by checking the time-table posted at any bus stop Islington
13 Dec 1997
It is considered bad form to fall asleep in the theatre, so book a few wake-up calls on your mobile phone Islington
13 Dec 1997
Visit the Almeda Theatre, Islington, & enjoy their regular afternoon bingo Islington
13 Dec 1997
People in a queue are actually waiting for you to go first Islington
13 Dec 1997
Genuine Rolex watches are so in demand, they are sold on the streets before they can reach the shops Islington
13 Dec 1997
Outside Buckingham Palace, it is customary to shout 'We Want Fergie!' Islington
13 Dec 1997
Taxi driving is a lonely life - encourage drivers to share their opinions Islington
13 Dec 1997
A sure-fire way to start a conversation with an Englishman is: 'You must be very excited about your Millennium Dome' Islington
13 Dec 1997
Don't miss Wimbledon Fortnight, but remember to get there early to book the court Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
Should you come across Germaine Greer in your travels, ask her how her hysterectomy went Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
Traffic Wardens are usually addressed as 'Tit Face' Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
We have some very fine spa waters in England - Buxton, Malvern, Bath etc - if in Bath, the best thing to say to your waitress is 'I would very much like to drink your Bath water' Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
The English for lavatory is 'Pizza Hut' Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
Please do not consult your maps in the middle of the pavement - zebra crossings are provided for this purpose Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
What better guide to the lifestyle of a typical Englishman than an Innovations catalogue Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
Warning - pickpockets: Trafalgar Square is now heavily policed - you'd do better in Bond Street
Always kiss nightclub bouncers
Put your money on England in the cricket - the Australian fast bowlers are a spent force
Do remember that Yorkshiremen love to have the piss taken out of them
American motorists: remember that in Britain you won't be able to fill your car up with 'gasoline' - we call it 'diesel'
A good ice-breaker at dinner parties is how dreadful it must have been for the Germans during the War
Visitors to the Garrick Club are reminded that it is customary to dress as Spice Girls
Ask for the delicious bacon sandwiches at Bloom's Kosher Restaurant
To hear English spoken as it should be, tune in to The Teletubbies
Do take advantage of London's self-drive taxis. They're easily distinguished by the flashing blue light on the top Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
Lonely Hearts: Try writing you phone number in heavy magic marker on the inside of phone booths Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
Remember in England, no trousers are worn in church Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
Prostitution is now legal in Britain, and anyone can get themselves fixed up simply by ringing the organiser, Mrs. Mary Whitehouse Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
No tourist should go home without taking their own photgraph of Pamela Stephenson Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
The best time to visit an Australian dentist is immediately after lunch Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
For actors coming to Britain, there's a church in Covent Garden, and when the first lesson reaches "And Javel begat Enoch", it is customary for visiting actors from overseas to rise and say "Oh no he didn't" Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
...and there's a writer's church as well, and visiting writers should rise after the first lesson and shout "Author!" Paris Studios
27 Mar 1982
Feeling peckish? On most streets you will find complimentary cats and dogs
You always know where you are with Radio 4
Go to an O'Neill's bar for an authentic taste of old Ireland
Before leaving a swimming pool, it is considered polite to top it up
Our prostitues stand outside offices smoking cigarettes
Have you tried the echo in the reading room of the British Museum? 30 Jul 1979
For some extraordinary reason, most of the guide books leave out Cricklewood 30 Jul 1979
You can go by car if you like, but it's not a long walk to Stratford 30 Jul 1979
You must try the open air loos in Trafalgar Square 30 Jul 1979
When the organ starts in Westminster Abbey, the first couple on the dance floor win a prize 30 Jul 1979
If you have kids, don't miss the Battersea fun-fair 30 Jul 1979
Help yourself to the free gifts in Harrods 30 Jul 1979
Hire a donkey and join in Trooping The Colour 30 Jul 1979
As a mark of respect, in Westminster Abbey, trousers are not worn 22 Aug 1981
On May Day, put bedsheets on your head, and a pointed hat, and ride through Brixton 22 Aug 1981
On Grand National day, why not enjoy a picnic under the hedge at Becher's Brook 22 Aug 1981
When visiting the Tower of London, don't forget to take a club for the traditional Raven's Cull 22 Aug 1981
A pint of bitter is known in England colloqually as a 'Pyours', so go into a pub and shout at the barman "A Pyours!" 22 Aug 1981
And remember that in this country, before leaving a railway compartment, it is considered polite to pass wind 22 Aug 1981
Don't be afraid - taxi drivers expect you to bargain with them 22 Aug 1981
When you go to a pub, remember that all drinks are free when it says 'Free House' outside 10 Oct 1981
You naughty male continental visitors, be sure to visit the rather saucy sauna at 10 Downing Street 10 Oct 1981
Here's a culinary suggestion - always insist on clotted cream with the traditional North Country Black Pudding 10 Oct 1981
Why not enter the Barbara Cartland Dirty Limerick Competition? 10 Oct 1981
Only use the famous Tower Bridge gents when it is up 10 Oct 1981
Join the race down The Mall - the first to hurdle the Palace railings wins a Tattoo voucher 10 Oct 1981
As we approach 1992, driving on the right hand side of the road is now optional 17 Nov 1990
If you're staying with a British family, it is considered polite on leaving to pay their Poll Tax 17 Nov 1990
The old market in Bond Street is worth a visit, but don't forget to haggle 17 Nov 1990
Do join in the old custom of vaulting the gates of Downing Street 17 Nov 1990
If you're anywhere in the vicinity of the Prince of Wales, then a traditional cry of "Break a leg, Charlie!" will always go down well 17 Nov 1990
See the waxworks in the House of Lords 17 Nov 1990
Make use of the London policeman - "Hello bobby" you say, "Be an absolute pig and show us the way to Ruislip" 17 Nov 1990
Remember in this country, taxi queues face backwards 17 Nov 1990
If you see any red & white cones on the motorway, pick them up 17 Nov 1990
Don't forget to pack your shotguns, 'cos there's fine hunting at Longleat, Whipsnade... 17 Nov 1990
Enjoy football. Go to Tottenham and join in the traditional Spurs supporters cries. Encouraging chants like "We are the Gunners, We are Arsenal" 17 Nov 1990
When entering the Gents, it is protocol to smile at everybody and shout out 'Hello, naughty!' 17 Nov 1990
If wanting to get to Stratford-on-Avon, get on the Central Line tube, and ask again 20 Jul 1991
The Chinese visitor could be encouraged to dream up a new Pit Bull & Rice recipe 20 Jul 1991
Don't miss Trooping The Colour, where you can join in the traditional game of 'Grab the Flag' 20 Jul 1991
Go to the Paris Theatre, Lower Regent Street - you can't miss the sign - BBC (Bare Breasted Cavortings), and see FREE, live sex involving men at desks 20 Jul 1991
Our open air lavatories are called Mercurys 20 Jul 1991
Join in the raven shooting at the Tower of London 20 Jul 1991
It is an old English tradition, and a useful one given the lack of public conveniences in London today, that it is quite legal to relieve yourself on the near left leg of a police horse 20 Jul 1991
Pianist Alfred Brendel is appearing tonight at the Royal Albert Hall...and remember...it's Karaoke Night! 20 Jul 1991
Do not urinate in swimming pools. Use the top board Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Beggars can be paid by direct debit Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Always park with your nearside tyres neatly between the yellow lines Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Tickets for the next pop concert at the Palace are available from booths outside the Palace, manned by men in bearskins Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Hotel chambermaids will replace your towels if you throw them in the bath. Do not be put off by their screams Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Male brothels are indicated with a blue lamp outside Hastings
17 Jun 2002
When attending opera at Covent Garden, join in the arias Hastings
17 Jun 2002
The hedgehog is sacred Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Remember the country code. Gates are sometimes blown shut by the wind. Help the farmers and prop them open Hastings
17 Jun 2002
When using a mobile phone while driving, keep the other hand free for signals Hastings
17 Jun 2002
On public transport, don't be fooled by the uniformed beggars who go round asking for tickets Hastings
17 Jun 2002
The traditional greeting for Welsh rugby supporters is 'BAAAA' Hastings
17 Jun 2002
When travelling in Scotland, make Hastings your base Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Pop in for a free eye test, any time of day or night, at Number 10 Downing Street 07 Jan 1989
Ladies: When in an Anglican church, please join in the sermon 07 Jan 1989
Go into any public house and shout "Mine's a large Fatima Whitbread!" 07 Jan 1989
Japanese visitors: British Rail porters are always addressed as 'Bastard' 07 Jan 1989
Japanese visitors: Just go into the lobby of Madame Tussaud's, and see how long it is before somebody comes up and says "No. Come on. Be fair. This is quite a good George Bush" 07 Jan 1989
Treat the whole family to a day out at the American style theme park at Greenham Common 07 Jan 1989
Make use of the phones in our open, one-person public lavatories 07 Jan 1989
Any taxi with its light on will be only too pleased to take you anywhere, any time 07 Jan 1989
Skateboarders should head for Westminster Abbey 16 Nov 1991
When in Scotland, don't worry - haggis is just the Gaelic word for a vegetarian dish 16 Nov 1991
As we approach 1992, driving on the right hand side of the road is now considered optional 16 Nov 1991
The citizens of Glasgow love to hear foreigners imitating their accent, especially in a pub on a Friday night 16 Nov 1991
Traffic wardens are always addressed as 'shove it!' 16 Nov 1991
If you need to get across London in a hurry, try the Bakerloo line 16 Nov 1991
Language students are advised to copy the vowel sounds of a Mr. Derek Jameson 16 Nov 1991
Men: Try midnight orienteering on Hampstead Heath 16 Nov 1991
Barbara Windsor is a member of the Royal Family 16 Nov 1991
Pop in for a free eye test, any time of day or night, at Number 10 Downing Street 13 Jan 1990
Ladies: When in an Anglican church, please join in the sermon 13 Jan 1990
Go into any public house and shout "Mine's a large Fatima Whitbread!" 13 Jan 1990
Japanese visitors: British Rail porters are always addressed as 'Bastard' 13 Jan 1990
Japanese visitors: Just go into the lobby of Madame Tussaud's, and see how long it is before somebody comes up and says "No. Come on. Be fair. This is quite a good George Bush" 13 Jan 1990
Treat the whole family to a day out at the American style theme park at Greenham Common 13 Jan 1990
Make use of the phones in our open, one-person public lavatories 13 Jan 1990
Any taxi with its light on will be only too pleased to take you anywhere, any time 13 Jan 1990
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Unhelpful Advice for the Newly Married Couple

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, your Majesty Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
It's not enough to say "I'm going down the pub", you've got to say "I'm going down the pub darling, here's the Hoover" Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
Stay together through the years, because sex at 60 can be great, but you do need someone else to drive Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
Reply to a letter received by the teams: Dear Confused, Yes that is where babies come from. Thankyou for the photographs Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
If he says he'd like you to moan during love making, tell him the kitchen shelves need fixing Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
Reply to a letter received by the teams: Dear Worried, You should tell your husband about your lodgers suggestion. You never know, your husband may feel the same about him! Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
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Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to a Church

During mass when the incense holder is swung, the congregation should shout "Darling, your handbag's on fire!" Coventry
27 Nov 2000
You'll find a handy wash basin inside every door Coventry
27 Nov 2000
Don't be too greedy when they pass round the plate Coventry
27 Nov 2000
When the organ stops playing, all move chairs Coventry
27 Nov 2000
You will find last night's lottery numbers on a board above your head Coventry
27 Nov 2000
When the vicar says 'Any just cause or impediment', the congregation should shout "She's a slapper!" Coventry
27 Nov 2000
Roman Catholics are a friendly bunch - you can even have a chat through the grill in the toilet cubicles Coventry
27 Nov 2000
Tears at funerals are considered to be a sign of weakness. Jumping up and down and clapping is viewed more favourably - and when the vicar says 'Ashes to ashes'...you reply "Funk to funky, We know Major Tom's a junkie" Coventry
27 Nov 2000
Remember to spit the wine out before identifying it Coventry
27 Nov 2000
If the priest should say 'There's something wrong with this microphone', the congregation should say "and also with you" Coventry
27 Nov 2000
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Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to Stonehenge

People will admire your knowledge if you stand in the middle, and shout out very loudly and knowledgably: "Of course, this was a cinema until the roof fell in" Paris Theatre, London
28 Dec 1992
Impress the locals with your attempt to start the domino effect by pushing the first stone over Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
You can always refure any allegations that the place will shortly be restored to its previous glory at the tax-payers' expense Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
During the annual winter solstice celebrations, why not join in the traditional urinating against the policeman's leg while dressed as a druid Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
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Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to the British Museum

When you enter the Reading Room there will be a hushed sense of expectancy, so perhaps you'd like to sing your favourite national song, & when they want you to sing a little bit louder, they'll go 'Shhh!' ISIHAC 1, Side 3
A useful phrase for those whose English is no use at all, when in the Reading Room, is: "'Ere cock, where's the filthy stuff?" ISIHAC 1, Side 3
The museum has one of the largest collections of Egyptian Mummies in the world - please take one ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Any of the attendants will be happy to explain how to play Elgin Marbles ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Do have a look at the Rosetta Stone. You won't believe when you try it out with two or three friends, just how high it bounces ISIHAC 1, Side 3
If you'd like to show your backing for democracy, perhaps you'd like to add your signature to the Magna Carta ISIHAC 1, Side 3
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Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to the Christies Auction House

Bring your own gavel Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
It is an old English tradition to tickle the man holding the Ming vase Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
It is considered polite to catch the auctioneer's eye and give him a friendly nod or a wink Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
You'll see paintings leaning against the wall - please take one Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
The best way to appreciate a Fabergé egg is to boil it for six minutes, then crack it open with a spoon Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
Visitors are invited to add witty captions to the Leonardo cartoons Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
When the man shouts out "Going for the first time", you're supposed to shout back "You do, and you'll clean it up yourself!" Paris Theatre, London
28 Nov 1992
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Unhelpful Advice for the visitor to the Madame Tussaud's

Ensure your wife moves about a bit - they're stock taking ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Enjoy a hilarious blindfold game of 'Pin the eyelashes on Barbara Cartland' ISIHAC 1, Side 3
The Dutchess of York isn't on show - she's been melted down to make Shakespeare's Sister ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Interested in DIY? Why not rearrange the Michael Jackson waxwork? ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Kindly refrain from hanging your hats on the Chippendales exhibit ISIHAC 1, Side 3
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Unhelpful Advice for Travellers

(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Unhelpful Advice in the School Sex Education Class

Now, who can tell me why, in a packet of Jelly Babies, the boy Jelly Babies weigh more?...Yes, that's right, they're taller! Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Look, you test these things first with a pin Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Now this is what happens when a bird or a bee perches on a lavatory seat Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Home vasectomy can be fun Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Now children, size isn't everything Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
...and this bit is known as the Volvo Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Following on, think of the human body as a car, and you might say to yourselves, why is the ignition so near the exhaust? Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
If you're looking for a lively aphrodisiac, you cannot overdo syrup of figs Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
The best protective is a condor...or any other large bird of prey Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
An extremely popular form of foreplay is to strike your partner on the back of the head with a euphonium...well it worked for Jimmy Edwards Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Now, who can tell me why, in a packet of Jelly Babies, the boy Jelly Babies weigh more?...Yes, that's right, they're taller! ISIHAC 4, Side 1
Look, you test these things first with a pin ISIHAC 4, Side 1
Now this is what happens when a bird or a bee perches on a lavatory seat ISIHAC 4, Side 1
Now children, size isn't everything ISIHAC 4, Side 1
...and this bit is known as the Volvo ISIHAC 4, Side 1
Following on, think of the human body as a car, and you might say to yourselves, why is the ignition so near the exhaust? ISIHAC 4, Side 1
If you're looking for a lively aphrodisiac, you cannot overdo syrup of figs ISIHAC 4, Side 1
The best protective is a condor...or any other large bird of prey ISIHAC 4, Side 1
An extremely popular form of foreplay is to strike your partner on the back of the head with a euphonium...well it worked for Jimmy Edwards ISIHAC 4, Side 1
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Unhelpful Edinburgh Fringe Tour Guide

If a bizarrely dressed stranger accosts you with a handful of flyers for a show, it is your duty to carry out a citizen's arrest Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Going on to London after the festival? Remember to stock up with bank notes. London cabbies just love them Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ Be sure to enquire about the latest music craze - Edinburgh Rock. Whilst you're about it, why not get yourself an Edinburgh Tattoo? Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Policemen are addressed as 'Tit Face' Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Remember when chatting up local ladies to use the old Gaelic word for 'beauty', pronounced 'minger' Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
The Big Issue is free Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
At the tattoo, be sure to bring your own gun Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Hecklers are more than welcome at John Birt's McTaggart Lecture Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Visit our parks - the swans are delicious Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
It's only a short cab ride out to Edinburgh's famous Gatwick Airport Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ When in London, always wear a heavy padded jacket and carry a large rucksack Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ Edinburgh is not called the Venice of the North for nothing. Make sure you make time for a gondola ride in the Princes Street canal Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
If taken ill suddenly, please remember all churches have a box marked 'For The Sick' Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Late night walking tours of Leith are very popular, and the guides are often found standing on street corners Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ Kilt wearers are happy for you to discover for yourself what's worn under them, and they love the joke "Oh, it's all worn" and then "Oh, it's gruesome" and then "Oh, it's gruesome more" Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ Taxis should be hailed with two fingers Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ If you should see a magic show at the fringe and can't work out how the tricks are done, it's more than acceptable to burn the performer as a witch Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ When driving down Princes Street, remember, motorway regulations apply Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ Whilst watching a puppet show, remember the performers can't see you, so it's alright for comfort's sake just to get naked... Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ As an ice breaker with Scots, start a chat about the World Cup competitions Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ During a performance of Taming Of The Shrew, why not release hundreds of live shrews, and see the performers' delight as they catch them individually Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ Malt whisky should only ever be taken with cherryade Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ When entering a busy pub in Edinburgh, remember it's traditional to offer every other customer a drink, so have a spare five pound note handy Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ In Scotland, whisky and chips are considered an aphrodisiac Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Audience participation? When the cygnets come on in Swan Lake, be the first to join the end of the conga line Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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