The ISIHAC
Telegrams Page

Last Updated
20 Dec 2006

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds includes suggestions for Telegrams received for various occasions. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

 Sort by:
 

To Yul Brynner, on the first night of The King And I
20 Aug 1979

BRYNNER.

CONGRATULATIONS.

 IT'LL BE A SMASH AS SOON AS THE WIG ARRIVES. 


To a knight returning from the crusades to his wife who's been wearing a chastity belt
20 Aug 1979

 GOOD LUCK ON THE OPENING, KNIGHT. 


To Moses
20 Aug 1979

MOSES.

 YOU LEFT YOUR FLIPPERS IN THE RED SEA. 

PLEASE CONTACT LIFE GUARD.


To Nelson
20 Aug 1979

NELSON.

GOOD LUCK AT TRAFALGAR.

 I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR YOU. 


To Rod Stewart on his marriage
20 Aug 1979

 MAY ALL YOUR TROUBLES BE ENORMOUS. 


To Joan Collins
20 Aug 1979

COLLINS.

STOP STOP

 STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP STOP 


To Richard III
20 Aug 1979

RICHARD III.

SORRY DICK. NO CAN DO.

 WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR TWO DONKEYS? 


To Archduke Ferdinand
20 Aug 1979

THE ARCHDUKE FERDINAND.

 HAVE GOOD HOLS IN SARAJEVO. 

RECOMMEND THE DRIVES.


To Abraham Lincoln
20 Aug 1979

 THE SECOND HALF ISN'T AS GOOD AS THE FIRST. 


To Neville Chamberlain before he went to Munich
20 Aug 1979

ALL THE BEST.

 TELL HIM HE'S BONKERS. 


To General Custer
20 Aug 1979

 BEST OF LUCK AT LITTLE BIG HORN. 

IT'LL BE A FEATHER IN YOUR CAP.


To the Post Office
1979 Xmas Special

 HAPPY EASTER 1983. 


A general excuse
1979 Xmas Special

SORRY CAN'T BE WITH YOU.

 UNDERGOING EXTENSIVE PLASTIC SURGERY SINCE INCIDENT UNDER MISTLETOE WITH ESTHER RANTZEN. 


To British Leyland
1979 Xmas Special

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

 WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES AT MIDNIGHT DON'T COME OUT IN SYMPATHY. 


To Lord Lucan
1979 Xmas Special

LORD LUCAN.

 ALL RIGHT. WE GIVE UP. 

YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.


To the President of Turkey
1979 Xmas Special

 GET STUFFED. 


To Lord Carrington
1979 Xmas Special

URGENT.

 MUGABE SPELT BACKWARDS SPELLS 'EE-BAH-GUM'. 


To the cast of Crossroads
1979 Xmas Special

 A HAPPY NOEL AND A BETTER REHEARSED ONE. 


To Vincent Van Gogh
1979 Xmas Special

 MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE...WHAT!! 

AND A HAPPY NEW EAR.


To Ian Smith who said his regime in Rhodesia would last 1000 years
1979 Xmas Special

 DOESN'T TIME FLY WHEN YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF. 


To the team of Game For A Laugh
10 Apr 1982

 BREAK A LEG! 


To Alfred the Great
10 Apr 1982

URGENT.

 OVEN TEMPERATURE SHOULD READ CENTIGRADE NOT FAHRENHEIT. 


To King Tutankhamun
10 Apr 1982

 PLEASE CONTACT THE BRITISH MUSEUM 

YOUR MUMMY IS SERIOUSLY ILL.


To La Dame Au Camelia
10 Apr 1982

 COUGH COUGH HAWK SPIT COUGH COUGH. 

I LOVE YOU TOO.

COUGH COUGH.

RUSHTON


From Richard Burton to Elizabeth Taylor
10 Apr 1982

 SUPPOSE SHORT MEANINGLESS MARRIAGE IS OUT OF QUESTION. 

DICK.


From Britt Eckland to various friends
10 Apr 1982

 NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. COME HOME AT ONCE. 

but the Post Office keep sending it as:

NOT GETTING ANY. BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE.


To Lady Godiva from her husband
10 Apr 1982

 ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT. KEEP YOUR HAIR ON. 


To the head of the Post Office complaining about the new TeleMessage service
10 Apr 1982

 NEW TELEGRAM SERVICE VERY POOR. 

LETTER PRECEDES.


To Napoleon
10 Apr 1982

 IGNORE BOOTS OUTSIDE TENT
- THEY'RE ONLY WELLINGTON'S. 


To Napoleon
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

 HOLD ON. BRACES IN NEXT POST. 


To From Hardy to Nelson
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

 OK BUT NO TONGUES. 


To Jeffrey Archer
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

 CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE. 


To Madonna
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

 CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR UPLIFTING VIDEO. MOTHER THERESA. 


From Queen Victoria to Albert, on hearing they'd had a building named after them
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

 WE ARE NOT A MUSEUM. 


To Salman Rushdie
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

GOOD NEWS.

 YOU'VE WON THE LONGEST RUNNING EVER GOTCHA OSCAR FROM NOEL EDMUNDS. 


To the prospective Conservative candidate for Cheltenham
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

 I WOULD LIKE TO DISASSOCIATE MYSELF TOTALLY FROM RECENT BEHAVIOUR IN CHELTENHAM. 

THERE IS NO PLACE FOR THAT SORT OF THING IN MY PARTY.

TERA BLANCHE.


To Jeremy Beadle
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990

 STOP STOP 


From Van Gogh
19 Aug 1991

 REGRET MUST CANCEL ORDER FOR STEREO HEADPHONES. 


To Humph
19 Aug 1991

 MY MOTHER DUG YOU CRAZY MUSIC WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE. 

NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D MAKE A HUNDRED.

CRAZY MAN CRAZY.

THE QUEEN.


To Christopher Wren, just before he built St. Paul's Cathedral
19 Aug 1991

 BIG MISTAKE. YOU SHOULD HAVE HUNG ON FOR THE NAT WEST BUILDING. 


To Noah
19 Aug 1991

 COULD BE A FEW MINUTES LATE. DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT US. MR & MRS UNICORN. 


From the makers of the Wooden Horse of Troy
19 Aug 1991

 EH GUV, WHERE DO YOU WANT THE EXIT PUT? 


To Joan of Arc
19 Aug 1991

 ALL THE BEST. WATCH OUT FOR THE FAGGOTS. 


 
19 Aug 1991

 HAVE WRITTEN FIVE TIMES AND RECEIVED NO REPLY. 

HAVE PHONED REPEATEDLY NO ANSWER.

CAN YOU HAVE LUNCH OCTOBER FIFTEENTH 1977.

TOM JACKSON.


To Napoleon
19 Aug 1991

 YOU LEFT YOUR BRACES AT THE MOTEL. 


To Beethoven
02 Nov 1991

 FOR GOD'S SAKE ANSWER THE DOOR - I'VE BEEN KNOCKING FOR THREE DAYS. 


From Keith Prowse (just before the programme)
02 Nov 1991

 IF YOU WANT THE BEST SEATS, YOU'RE BUGGERED. 


From Joseph
02 Nov 1991

 IT'S A GIRL. 


Discovered in the Kremlin
02 Nov 1991

 I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A COUP. 


To Boris Yeltsin
02 Nov 1991

 APRIL FOOL. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. 


To Dr. Spooner
02 Nov 1991

 YOUR DOAST AT THE TINNER ON NIGHDAY FRIGHT 

WILL BE GLAISE YOUR ASSES TO THE QUEAR OLD DEEN.


To Noah
02 Nov 1991

 BUILD ARK. 

FORTY DAYS FLOODING DUE.

GOD'S SPEED.


To Des O'Connor
02 Nov 1991

 HOPE YOU GOT THE CORSET. 

MONKEY GLANDS FOLLOWING.


To His Royal Highness Prince Hamlet, Elsinore Castle
02 Nov 1991

 NOT TO BE. 


(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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