Noddy Goes To Toyland: Noddy adjusted the telescopic sight on his Kalashnikov and said "This is where you get it, Big Ears!" | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Noddy Goes To Toyland: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in posession of a blue hat with a bell on it must be in want of a wife. | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Noddy Goes To Toyland: Noddy liked the way Dolly closed her eyes when he laid her flat on her back... | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Noddy Goes To Toyland: "Go on Noddy. Give us a burst of "C'Mon Feel The Noize" said Mr. Wibbly-Wobbly. | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland: Noddy thought: Who's that guy over there that looks like Prince Charles? Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland: Gilbert Golly decided to steal Noddy's car and buy some lovely drugs. Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland: "Some pervert has been winking at my blind horse!" cried Mrs. Proverb, "and we all know who..." Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland: Noddy had not had an easy time in prison... Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Daffodils by William Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a cloud and rained all over Manchester. | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Daffodils by William Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills When all at once I met a crowd Who said: We're off to the pub. Are you up for it? | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Daffodils by William Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a cloud And I was whistling through my blue lips... | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Daffodils by William Wordsworth: Daffodils are yellow, Byron is blue. Tequincy's a junkie And Coleridge is too. | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a crowd, that beats up old aged pensioners. Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth: I went to the florists, it was quicker. Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth: I wandered one October morn... Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a cloud Got lost and had to phone Mountain Rescue on my mobile. Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
The Book Of Genesis: You're not going to believe this... | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ The Book Of Genesis: And on the second day, God took a sickie. Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
The Book Of Genesis: In the beginning, there was a cosmological expansion of space, time and matter from the gravitational singularity, which came as a bit of a surprise to God... | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ The Book Of Genesis: My name if Phil Collins. It was me who thought of the name. Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ The Book Of Genesis: In the beginning, God went to B&Q. Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ The Book Of Genesis: Well, would you Adam and Eve it? Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ The Book Of Genesis: 'Let there be light', and there was light, and God saw that it was good. 'Now, let there be lager'... Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
[ The Book Of Genesis: In the beginning was the word, and the word was Evolution... Not broadcast] | Southport 13 Nov 2006 |
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I Compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to Osama Bin Laden? | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compere the Royal Variety Performance? | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Well, you are hot and sweating a bit. | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a young man from Nantucket, who once put his head in a bucket? | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Oh, well that's just silly. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to the good ship Venus? By God you should have seen us. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to Sonnet 17 and save on the work? Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a Somerfield turkey? Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Thomas The Tank Engine: Thomas had always had a tender behind. | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Thomas The Tank Engine: My name is Awdry. Life has not been easy for me. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Thomas The Tank Engine: Look, I've told you before: Trains can't talk! Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Thomas The Tank Engine: "Good News" said the Fat Controller "I'm handing over to Mr Branson here." | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Thomas The Tank Engine: The Fat Controller had bad news: "Lilly Leaves is on the line." Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Thomas The Tank Engine: Here comes Thomas with the latest anorak catalogues. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: The war was over, I'd been demobbed, and Napoleon had gone into exile. | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: One day I sat on my mute. Life has never been the same since. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: At the young age of twenty-two, I was handed the test results by the doctor. "Bad news Mr Lyttelton" he said, "You only have another hundred and seven years to live." Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: It all began when Father Christmas misread my note, and brought me a crumpet. | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: I learnt everything I know from Nicholas Parsons. | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: I'm not one to blow my own trumpet. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: My name is Kenny Ball - I changed it to avoid confusion. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: The first time I met Louis Armstrong, I asked him how it felt to have been the first man to walk on the moon. | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Damn fine stuff, this Viagra!" said Lord Chatterley, unbuttoning his trousers | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Oh dear" said Mellors, "That's never happened before." | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Lady Chatterley's Lover: "F**k? What on earth do you mean?" said Lady Chatterley. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Lady Chatterley's Lover: As this never happened before, Madam, let me teach you flower arranging.???? Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Lady Chatterley's Lover: "I'm Mellors" announced the gamekeeper, "but you can call me Delores." Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Lady Chatterley's Lover: And so it was that Mellors and his gay lover Pascale set up home together. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Lady Chatterley's Lover: Mellors said: "Up against the wall, or on the lawn Madam?" Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Lady Chatterley's Lover: It was a Thursday when Lady Chatterley decided to be a nun. Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Oh look at that!" said Lady Chatterley. "It's like a real willie, only tiny." Not broadcast] | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Well your Lordship," exclaimed Mellors, "You told me to help myself to the game bird on the kitchen table." | Sunderland 11 Dec 2006 |
[ The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: Leonardo said "In the nude Mona, alright? But keep smiling." Not broadcast] | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
[ The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: Let's start with the principle of Papal infallability. Not broadcast] | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: "I would like to help with your evil scheme," said the albino monk, "but these barbed-wire underpants are giving me gyp" | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: Leonardo awoke with a sneeze and realised he had a code. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
[ The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: "Oh, look. That's lucky" he said. "Here's the Grail." Not broadcast] | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
[ The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: What can I add to the acres of stuff that have already been written about this subject? Not broadcast] | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: "I believe I may be able to unravel the mystery" said Jesus Magdalene. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin: Once upon a time, there was a stork and a gooseberry bush. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin: If we evolved from apes and monkeys, why are there still apes and monkeys? Discuss. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin: In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
[ The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin: As Gregor Samsor awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a giant insect. Not broadcast] | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin: This is a picture of my wife. Now do you believe we're descended from monkeys? | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin: A great idea came to me this morning as I was swinging through the forest, peeling a banana with my feet... | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin: It was L. Ron Hubbard who put me on the right track. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves: Mr. Big was the envy of the other Mr. Men. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves: Nobody is more full of surprises than Mr. Lady-boy. | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
[ The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves: "Well, Mr. Bump" said the doctor "Congratulations - you're pregnant." Not broadcast] | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
[ The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves: The Mr. Men adjusted their telescopic sights and set out for the hit. Not broadcast] | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves: Mr. Politically-Incorrect awoke to find himself surrounded by frogs, wops, huns and dagos... | Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007 |
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: "Ah. There's the ship now!" said Robinson. | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: "So" said Friday, "Just you and me then. Which do you want to be - hubby or wifey?" | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: "A footprint in the sand!" I cried. "You lot, keep building the escape boat, the rest of you come and look!" Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: "So" said Friday, "You're an immigrant. Could you have a look at my bathroom? I've some tiling that needs finishing." | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: Robinson Crusoe decided to remove all his clothes, but only because it was Friday. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: "Hello" said Friday, "Can I sell you the Watchtower?" Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: I was born a Siamese twin... Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe: "Not THE Robinson?" said an excited Friday. "I love your barley water." Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
If by Rudyard Kipling: If you can keep your head While others are losing theirs Why not treat yourself To one of my exceedingly good cakes? | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
If by Rudyard Kipling: If...I had a hammer... | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
If by Rudyard Kipling: If...you can read this, you are too close. | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
If by Rudyard Kipling: If...this ever becomes Britain's favourite poem, I'll eat my hat | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ If by Rudyard Kipling: If...only you were a man, my daughter. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ If by Rudyard Kipling: If I were a rich man. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ If by Rudyard Kipling: If a picture paints a thousand words. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
If by Rudyard Kipling: If you like jam, you'll love Jam Lovers' Monthly. Each month, it builds into an unrivalled collection. | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
If by Rudyard Kipling: If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs, you'll be taller than anyone else. | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ If by Rudyard Kipling: If you knew Susie like I know Susie. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: "Last night I dreamed I went to Mandalay again" said Frodo. That hobbit never had an original thought in his life. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: "Beware of Gollum" said Gandalf. "You can't miss him - he's computer generated." | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: "Bilbo" said Frodo, "The invisible cloak isn't working. Put it away." | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: All the elves and the gnomes were dead. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: Gandalf decided there were to be no more long, boring and meaningless battles. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Frodo really wasn't getting the hang of this. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: A evil wizard was plotting to mobilise the forces of darkness against Middle Earth, when there was a knock at the door. It was his pert assistant Debbie McGee. | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: The past was another country. They do things differently there. Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |
[ The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein: "The name's Bond. James Bond." "Let me stop you there, Frodo." Not broadcast] | Croydon 12 Nov 2007 |