The ISIHAC
Rejected Opening Lines Page

Last Updated
01 Jan 2008

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds includes suggestions for Rejected Opening Lines to certain literary works. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

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Noddy Goes To Toyland:
Noddy adjusted the telescopic sight on his Kalashnikov and said "This is where you get it, Big Ears!"
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Noddy Goes To Toyland:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in posession of a blue hat with a bell on it must be in want of a wife.
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Noddy Goes To Toyland:
Noddy liked the way Dolly closed her eyes when he laid her flat on her back...
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Noddy Goes To Toyland:
"Go on Noddy. Give us a burst of "C'Mon Feel The Noize" said Mr. Wibbly-Wobbly.
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland:
Noddy thought: Who's that guy over there that looks like Prince Charles? Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland:
Gilbert Golly decided to steal Noddy's car and buy some lovely drugs. Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland:
"Some pervert has been winking at my blind horse!" cried Mrs. Proverb, "and we all know who..." Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Noddy Goes To Toyland:
Noddy had not had an easy time in prison... Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
and rained all over Manchester.
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills
When all at once I met a crowd
Who said: We're off to the pub. Are you up for it?
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
And I was whistling through my blue lips...
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
Daffodils are yellow,
Byron is blue.
Tequincy's a junkie
And Coleridge is too.
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a crowd, that beats up old aged pensioners. Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
I went to the florists, it was quicker. Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
I wandered one October morn... Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Daffodils by William Wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
Got lost and had to phone Mountain Rescue on my mobile. Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
The Book Of Genesis:
You're not going to believe this...
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ The Book Of Genesis:
And on the second day, God took a sickie. Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
The Book Of Genesis:
In the beginning, there was a cosmological expansion of space, time and matter from the gravitational singularity, which came as a bit of a surprise to God...
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ The Book Of Genesis:
My name if Phil Collins. It was me who thought of the name. Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ The Book Of Genesis:
In the beginning, God went to B&Q. Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ The Book Of Genesis:
Well, would you Adam and Eve it? Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ The Book Of Genesis:
'Let there be light', and there was light, and God saw that it was good. 'Now, let there be lager'... Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ The Book Of Genesis:
In the beginning was the word, and the word was Evolution... Not broadcast]
Southport
13 Nov 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I Compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to Osama Bin Laden? Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compere the Royal Variety Performance? Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Well, you are hot and sweating a bit. Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a young man from Nantucket, who once put his head in a bucket? Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Oh, well that's just silly. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to the good ship Venus? By God you should have seen us. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to Sonnet 17 and save on the work? Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Sonnet No. 18 - Shall I compare thee...: Shall I compare thee to a Somerfield turkey? Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Thomas The Tank Engine: Thomas had always had a tender behind. Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Thomas The Tank Engine: My name is Awdry. Life has not been easy for me. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Thomas The Tank Engine: Look, I've told you before: Trains can't talk! Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Thomas The Tank Engine: "Good News" said the Fat Controller "I'm handing over to Mr Branson here." Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Thomas The Tank Engine: The Fat Controller had bad news: "Lilly Leaves is on the line." Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Thomas The Tank Engine: Here comes Thomas with the latest anorak catalogues. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: The war was over, I'd been demobbed, and Napoleon had gone into exile. Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: One day I sat on my mute. Life has never been the same since. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: At the young age of twenty-two, I was handed the test results by the doctor. "Bad news Mr Lyttelton" he said, "You only have another hundred and seven years to live." Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: It all began when Father Christmas misread my note, and brought me a crumpet. Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: I learnt everything I know from Nicholas Parsons. Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: I'm not one to blow my own trumpet. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: My name is Kenny Ball - I changed it to avoid confusion. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It Just Occured To Me. The thoughts and reminiscences of Chairman Humph: The first time I met Louis Armstrong, I asked him how it felt to have been the first man to walk on the moon. Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Damn fine stuff, this Viagra!" said Lord Chatterley, unbuttoning his trousers Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Oh dear" said Mellors, "That's never happened before." Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "F**k? What on earth do you mean?" said Lady Chatterley. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: As this never happened before, Madam, let me teach you flower arranging.???? Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "I'm Mellors" announced the gamekeeper, "but you can call me Delores." Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: And so it was that Mellors and his gay lover Pascale set up home together. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: Mellors said: "Up against the wall, or on the lawn Madam?" Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: It was a Thursday when Lady Chatterley decided to be a nun. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Oh look at that!" said Lady Chatterley. "It's like a real willie, only tiny." Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Lady Chatterley's Lover: "Well your Lordship," exclaimed Mellors, "You told me to help myself to the game bird on the kitchen table." Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown:
Leonardo said "In the nude Mona, alright? But keep smiling." Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown:
Let's start with the principle of Papal infallability. Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown:
"I would like to help with your evil scheme," said the albino monk, "but these barbed-wire underpants are giving me gyp"
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown:
Leonardo awoke with a sneeze and realised he had a code.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown:
"Oh, look. That's lucky" he said. "Here's the Grail." Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown:
What can I add to the acres of stuff that have already been written about this subject? Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown:
"I believe I may be able to unravel the mystery" said Jesus Magdalene.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin:
Once upon a time, there was a stork and a gooseberry bush.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin:
If we evolved from apes and monkeys, why are there still apes and monkeys? Discuss.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin:
In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin:
As Gregor Samsor awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a giant insect. Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin:
This is a picture of my wife. Now do you believe we're descended from monkeys?
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin:
A great idea came to me this morning as I was swinging through the forest, peeling a banana with my feet...
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin:
It was L. Ron Hubbard who put me on the right track.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves:
Mr. Big was the envy of the other Mr. Men.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves:
Nobody is more full of surprises than Mr. Lady-boy.
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves:
"Well, Mr. Bump" said the doctor "Congratulations - you're pregnant." Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves:
The Mr. Men adjusted their telescopic sights and set out for the hit. Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The Mr. Men by Roger Hargreaves:
Mr. Politically-Incorrect awoke to find himself surrounded by frogs, wops, huns and dagos...
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
"Ah. There's the ship now!" said Robinson.
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
"So" said Friday, "Just you and me then. Which do you want to be - hubby or wifey?"
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
"A footprint in the sand!" I cried. "You lot, keep building the escape boat, the rest of you come and look!" Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
"So" said Friday, "You're an immigrant. Could you have a look at my bathroom? I've some tiling that needs finishing."
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
Robinson Crusoe decided to remove all his clothes, but only because it was Friday. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
"Hello" said Friday, "Can I sell you the Watchtower?" Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
I was born a Siamese twin... Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:
"Not THE Robinson?" said an excited Friday. "I love your barley water." Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If you can keep your head
While others are losing theirs
Why not treat yourself
To one of my exceedingly good cakes?
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If...I had a hammer...
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If...you can read this, you are too close.
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If...this ever becomes Britain's favourite poem, I'll eat my hat
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If...only you were a man, my daughter. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If I were a rich man. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If a picture paints a thousand words. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If you like jam, you'll love Jam Lovers' Monthly. Each month, it builds into an unrivalled collection.
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs, you'll be taller than anyone else.
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
If by Rudyard Kipling:
If you knew Susie like I know Susie. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
"Last night I dreamed I went to Mandalay again" said Frodo. That hobbit never had an original thought in his life. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
"Beware of Gollum" said Gandalf. "You can't miss him - he's computer generated."
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
"Bilbo" said Frodo, "The invisible cloak isn't working. Put it away."
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
All the elves and the gnomes were dead. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
Gandalf decided there were to be no more long, boring and meaningless battles. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Frodo really wasn't getting the hang of this. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
A evil wizard was plotting to mobilise the forces of darkness against Middle Earth, when there was a knock at the door. It was his pert assistant Debbie McGee.
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
The past was another country. They do things differently there. Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein:
"The name's Bond. James Bond." "Let me stop you there, Frodo." Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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