The ISIHAC
School Reports Page

Last Updated
13 Feb 2005

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds includes suggestions for School Reports for different personalities. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

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Mike Tyson: Somewhat inarticulate, but always has the ear of the teacher South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Dale Winton: Must try less hard South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Jonathan Aitken: Jonathan has persuaded us that he will do well in his chosen career of politics, & has been awarded the Harrods travel bursary. NOTE TO ALL PARENTS: The school trophy cabinet was broken into last term. The Sword of Truth and the Shield of British Fair-Play are still missing South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Jonathan Ross: When he's in class there's always a little rancour South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Helen of Troy: Fair South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Marcel Marceau: Makes too much noise. I've put him on silence until further notice South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Russell Grant: Russell will do well next term South Bank
19 Jun 2000
St. Michael: Must pull his socks up South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Richard Branson: Consistently late, with the feeblest excuses South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Bomber Harris: A keen boy, but completely ruined the school trip to Dresden South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Hanse Cronje: Wouldn't bet on his future South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Bill Gates: Pathetic! Every time you ask him to do something, he breaks down, starts again, freezes & the starts again! South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Harry Ramsden: Poor, but could do batter South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Jim Davidson: Seems to think he's amusing, but he isn't (Oh! This is a review, sorry!) South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen: Needs a bloody good haircut, although a bloody awful one would be an improvement! South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Charles Darwin: Full of fanciful ideas, just like his father, the little monkey South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Keith Joseph: Doesn't seem to think education important, and should show more respect for his teachers
23 Aug 1986
Michael Gorbachov: Little Michael is coming on very well. On behalf of the school, may we apologise for the accident in the science room which caused a bottle of indelible brown staining solution to fall on little Michael's head, but never mind, he's got a fine head of hair and no one will ever notice, I'm sure.
23 Aug 1986
Russell Grant: I don't know what I see ahead for this boy. Makes his classmates laugh except when he's telling jokes. Dressmaking talent is outstanding, and has proved very useful in rolling the cricket pitch
23 Aug 1986
Michael Heseltine: Could try less
23 Aug 1986
Margaret Thatcher: Margaret is working well and hopes to have me ready by he time she leaves, but I wish she'd stop taking the milk away from all the children
23 Aug 1986
Mary Whitehouse: Her writing is neat, tidy and legible, but I would prefer to see it on the paper than on the lavatory walls. Her reading is improving, but she tends to read rather more into the Peter and Jane stories than the author intended
23 Aug 1986
Frank Bruno: Whatever Frank may say, I agree with it
23 Aug 1986
Mike Tyson: Somewhat inarticulate, but always has the ear of the teacher ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Dale Winton: Must try less hard ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Jonathan Aitken: Jonathan has persuaded us that he will do well in his chosen career of politics, & has been awarded the Harrods travel bursary. NOTE TO ALL PARENTS: The school trophy cabinet was broken into last term. The Sword of Truth and the Shield of British Fair-Play are still missing ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Jonathan Ross: When he's in class there's always a little rancour ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Helen of Troy: Fair ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Marcel Marceau: Makes too much noise. I've put him on silence until further notice ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Russell Grant: Russell will do well next term ISIHAC 6, Side 4
St. Michael: Must pull his socks up ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Richard Branson: Consistently late, with the feeblest excuses ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Bomber Harris: A keen boy, but completely ruined the school trip to Dresden ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Bill Gates: Pathetic! Every time you ask him to do something, he breaks down, starts again, freezes & the starts again! ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Harry Ramsden: Poor, but could do batter ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Jim Davidson: Seems to think he's amusing, but he isn't (Oh! This is a review, sorry!) ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen: Needs a bloody good haircut, although a bloody awful one would be an improvement! ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Charles Darwin: Full of fanciful ideas, just like his father, the little monkey ISIHAC 6, Side 4
Neil Kinnock:  - English: He has a fine grasp of the tongue...unfortunately it's very hard to get him to let go of it. Then again, it can't be easy working in a foreign language
02 Nov 1991
Tarzan:  - Tarzan has settled in nicely, and is captain of Tree House. His A Level English Lit. is improving rapidly, and he is now reading Byron's AAAARRGGHH. I'm certain he'll win his school loin cloth this summer. Even now he's swinging across the crocodile infested quad...oh...
02 Nov 1991
Joan of Arc:  - Joan has a burning ambition to get to the top of the heap.
02 Nov 1991
Judge Jeffries:  - Must try harder.
02 Nov 1991
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart:  - Could become another Colin Sell.
02 Nov 1991
Adolf Hitler:  - Adolf's painting has come along very well. He decorated the classroom with an iron cross. His athletics is not his strong point as he has been held back in the sprints by his habit of goose-stepping. He's been an essential member of the First XI - the one ball belongs to him. His progress has been disappointing due to him continually raising his arm in class and being told to leave the room. In prayers, his rendition of the Horst Wessel song is much admired by many pupils. The others have still not been found... Adolf is a quiet boy unless roused. I must close now as I can hear him coming!!
02 Nov 1991
Magnus Magnusson:  - He asks too many questions.
23 May 1992
Ernest Saunders:  - I was sorry he was too ill to come and see me in my study, but delighted he won the cross country in the afternoon.
23 May 1992
Jeremy Beadle:  - Jeremy's always up to mischief. How we laughed when he set fire to Mr. Humphries' wooden leg and burnt him to the ground. He also put a drawing pin on Miss Latimer's chair - he does that to all the staff. Whenever you see Jeremy, you know there's a prick looming...
23 May 1992
Lord Chief Justice Lane:  - Could try harder.
23 May 1992
Peter Snow:  - He's the nine year old schoolboy - why does he talk to me as if I'm one? Perhaps he could confine his answers to a simple 'yes' or 'no', rather than a full explanation using the school's computer, the sandpit and the entire contents of matron's wardrobe.
23 May 1992
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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