The ISIHAC
Ill Advised Introductions Page

Last Updated
30 Dec 2006

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds requires the teams to give examples of opening lines, which if addressed to a certain well-known individual or organisation, would be guaranteed to end all future dialog. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

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[ NICHOLAS SOAMES: Is it true you've had your shower curtain let out? Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
ROY HUDD: Where's your emu? Salford
28 Jun 2004
Table for Mr. Stringfellow and his grand-daughter Salford
28 Jun 2004
Fancy a curry, Mr. Major? Salford
28 Jun 2004
LESLIE GRANTHAM: Leslie - What's up? Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ ULRIKKA JOHNSSON: I'm Tim Brooke-Taylor. Do you fan... Oh, you've gone Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
PIERS MORGAN: Is it true your passport photo's a fake? Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ I'd like to apply for a job as a prison guard. I've got my own camera. Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ PONTIUS PILOT: Have you heard the good news about Jesus? Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
Well, I must say Ant, you're the best ventriloquist I've ever seen Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ CHER: You must be a model. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a waxwork! Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
You must meet George Best - he's our designated driver tonight Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ OSAMA BIN LADEN: You haven't got a bottle opener have you? Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ Hello. Is that The Samaritans? I'm just ringing to say I'm extatically happy! Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
GEORGE W. BUSH: Is English your first language? Salford
28 Jun 2004
VIVIENNE WESTWOOD: Why, Miss Widdicombe, you've lost weight Salford
28 Jun 2004
Kiss me Hardy. Oh, Jeremy's gone now... Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ HUMPHREY LYTTELTON: Kenny Ball - The governor eh? Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ JEFFREY ARCHER: This is your life Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ THE POPE: How's the wife? Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
RUSSELL CROWE: I suppose everybody confuses you with Russell Grant Salford
28 Jun 2004
PABLO PICASSO: A word in your eye Salford
28 Jun 2004
PRINCESS MICHAEL OF KENT: Why don't you go back to Berktesgarten? Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ PAUL BURRELL: Come on you, turn your pockets out Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ GARRY BUSHELL: Funny - you don't look gay Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ PAUL McCARTNEY: I am such a fan of The Beatles Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
You'll like this house Mr. Goliath. It's only a stones throw from the centre Salford
28 Jun 2004
JONATHAN MILLER: Here's something you won't know Salford
28 Jun 2004
Hello Godot. What are you doing here? Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ TOM JONES: My great grandmother is such a fan of yours Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ VINNIE JONES: That shirt's a bit girlie, isn't it? Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
TRACY EMIN: I hope you've made your bed! Kevin Hale
Leonardo da Vinci to MONA LISA: ...and you can wipe that grin off your face! Kevin Hale
JOHN CONSTABLE: Tell me, why did you call that bloke in the cart Wayne? Kevin Hale
NERO: My God! I thought you'd stood on the cat while trying to escape from the blaze! Kevin Hale
DR. CRIPPEN: How's the wife? Kevin Hale
MUSSOLINI: What are you hanging around here for? Kevin Hale
BOB DYLAN: How are Dougal & Florence? Kevin Hale
RONALD REAGAN: How's Carter? Kevin Hale
SWEENEY TODD: A little more off the top, please Kevin Hale
GEORGE DUBYA BUSH: Hi - Here's your free sample from Pete's Pretzels Kevin Hale
DR. SPOCK: What's the planet Vulcan like at this time of year? Kevin Hale
HENRY FORD: But I want a white one! Kevin Hale
LADY GODIVA: Good morning. I'm from the Health & Safety Department. Your hair is unsafe at that length, and must be tied up above shoulder height... Kevin Hale
LADY CHATTERLEY: ...and when did you take on David Mellor as gardener? Kevin Hale
PHIL TUFNELL: KEEP OFF THE GRASS! Kevin Hale
H.G. WELLS: How do you feel about being evicted from the Big Brother house? Kevin Hale
QUEEN VICTORIA: Have you heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman? Kevin Hale
GARETH HUNT: How do you feel about your name becoming part of Cockney Rhyming Slang? Kevin Hale
DOUGLAS HURD: How do you feel about your name becoming part of Cockney Rhyming Slang? Kevin Hale
SHERLOCK HOLMES: I'm from the Drugs Squad Kevin Hale
DR. LIVINGSTONE: Ken Livingstone, I presume? Kevin Hale
HAROLD SHIPMAN: Do you have a lot of patience? Kevin Hale
RUTH ELLIS: I bet you're a bit of a swinger! Kevin Hale
THE WRIGHT BROTHERS: Bet you lads can't do a loop-the-loop in that thing Kevin Hale
JOHN PRESCOTT: Here's your bus pass, Mr. Prescott Kevin Hale
HUMPHREY LYTTELTON: You're that trumpeter fellow Kenny Ball, aren't you? Kevin Hale
PRINCE PHILIP: I'm here to revoke your shotgun licence Kevin Hale
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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