The ISIHAC
Other Round Introductions Page

Last Updated
10 Feb 2013

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, Humph makes witty introductions to various rounds. Here are some of his suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)


Rounds:

Advertising Slogans Agony Aunts Amazing Coincidence Round
Animal Farm Answer A Silly Question Answerphones
Antithetical Duets Ask A Silly Question Ay-Oop Spy
Beat The Clock Blatant Lies Blind Date
Blue Peter Blues/Madrigal/Calypso British Sports
Business Slogans Call My Bluff Car Alarms
Celebrity Answerphones Celebrity Diaries Celebrity Funerals
Celebrity Interviews Celebrity Misquotes Censored Songs
Channel 5 Childrens' Hour Chas'n'Dave Chat Up Lines
Cheddar Gorge Christmas Problems Christmas Quiz
Ciryl Clanger Theatre Close Quotes
Commercial Disasters Complaints Complete Autobiographies
Complete Bastards Complete Chat Ups Complete Children's Stories
Complete Crackers Complete Greetings Cards Complete Headlines
Complete Jokes Complete Movie Straplines Complete Proverbs
Complete Quotes Complete Song Lyrics Complete Warning Signs
Completely Wilde Compressed Works Connections
Conveyor Belt Corner Shop Correspondence
Cost Cutters Daily Mail Headlines Dead Air
Disfunctional Duets DIY 70s Cop Show DIY Costume Drama
DIY Detective Drama DIY Sci-Fi Drama DIY Soap
Dragon's Den Dropping Things Dumbing And Dumber
Dumbing Up Election Interviews Estate Agents
Euro Scrabble Euro TV and Radio Guide Famous First Words
Fat Quotes Film Club Folklore
Gambling Gardeners Question Time GCSE Exam
Ghost Stories Good Morning Radio Good News, Bad News
Grand National Theatre Grand Opera Greetings Cards
Guess The Painting Handy Hints Hard Sell
Health And Safety Advisors Historical Headlines Historical Postcards
Hitchhikers Honours Horoscopes
How Do They Do That? How Wrong Can You Get? Human Voice Box
Hunt The Ring Hunt The Slipper I'm A Celebrity - Let Me In!
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Chance Ill Advised Introductions Incomplete Bush Quotes
Initial Response Innovations Interviews
Jobseekers Join The Dots Jokes
Just A Minim Karaoke Cokey Killer First Lines
Kiss Of Death Last Episodes Literary First Lines
Living Art Lonely Hearts Lyric Theatre
Lyttelton Country Medical Complaints Misleading Advice
Missed Hits Monopoly Mornington Crescent
Movie Sequels Musical Chars Musical Families
Musical Shakespeare Musical Witness Name Droppers
Name That Barcode Name That Tune New Definitions
New Jobs New National Anthems New Versions
Newsreaders' Jargon Note For Note Notes & Queries
Nursery Rhymes Och-Aye Spy Odd One Out
Official Sponsor One Man And His Dog One Song to the Tune of Another
Opening Lines Out To Lunch Pantomime Proverbs
Paranoia Party Bores Pick Up Morris
Pick Up Song Pick'n'Mixfords Pin The Tail On Colin
Play Your Chords Right Postcards Proverbial Theatre
Proverbs Proverbs By Initials Proverbs In Translation
Public Information Broadcasts Quick Fire Buzzer Round Quite Obvious
Quotations Quote Unquote Radio Through The Keyhole
Radio Times Ready, Steady, Hell's Kitchen RealKu
Rejected Opening Lines Resignation Letters Restaurant Waiters
Robot Celebrity Interviews Russian Roulette Salesman Of The Century
Santa's Grotto Save The Word Scandals
School Reports Sci-Fi Scenes Scissors, Paper, Stone
Scrabble Sexing Up Silent Punchlines
Similes Singing Relay Situations Vacant
Slogans Smugglers Soap And Flannel
Song Book Song Lyrics Sound Charades
Sound Effects Special Offers Spell Check Songs
Spelling Bee Spoilsports Squeak, Piggy, Squeak
Stars In Their Ears Straight Face Strip Poker
SuperNanny Superstitions Swanee Kazoo
Swankers Talking Turkey The News Quiz
The Today Programme Three Minute Musicals Tossing The Penny
Trail Of The Lonesome Pun Translations TV Seasons
Unasked Questions From History Undelivered Mail From History Universally Challenged
Vents In Practice Vets In Theory Welsh Proverbs
What Is Time Mr. Woolf? What's My Line? What's The Link?
What's The Question? What's Your Game? Where Am I?
Who Gets The Sixpence? Who Wants To Be A Milliner? Who Wants To Be In Finistaire?
Whose Baby? Whose Dustbin? Without Prejudice
Word For Word Worst Sellers Worst Things To Hear


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Advertising Slogans

We move on now to a round that's all about advertising slogans and jingles. I'm actually quite an afficianado of TV commercials, and I particulary used to enjoy that one featuring those monkeys dressed in human clothes - you know, the ones that used to advertise Kwik-Fit...

(before the Complete Advertising Slogans round)
Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
We move on now to a round that's all about advertising slogans and jingles. I'm actually quite an afficianado of TV commercials, and I particulary used to enjoy that one featuring those monkeys dressed in human clothes - you know, the ones that used to advertise Kwik-Fit...

(before the Complete Advertising Slogans round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 1
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Agony Aunts

Ok, let's try something else with a new game called Agony Aunts. The undisputed queen of the agony aunts must surely be Clare Rayner, who sent us one of her answers to a genuine embarrassing problem. To preserve anonymity, we'll call the writer 'Mr. X'. Clare responds:
Dear Barry X, of Hatch End,
No luvvie, I don't think you're suffering from Turette's Syndrome, but in the unlikely event you are invited back again to speak to the ladies of the Cunningham Hunt, try not to drink 14 pints of lager first...
Sheffield
11 Jun 2001
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Amazing Coincidence Round

Ok, now quite by chance teams, it's now time for the Amazing Coincidence Round. I'll provide you with three items, places or people, which have a surprising but cunningly concealed connection. So if I were to say "A £2000 bribe to a prostitute", "Blatant insider dealing" and "Huge contributions to party funds", then you'll see the amazing concidence is that none of these had any effect on Jeffrey Archer being awarded a peerage... Glasgow
30 Nov 1998
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Animal Farm

The next round is called Animal Farm. This is played in tribute to Orwell's novel of farm animals whose philosophy is summarised as 'Four legs good, two legs bad'. It's a phrase which might prove a useful work ethic for whoever it was who packed my new self-assembly B&Q kitchen table. In our version of Animal Farm, each team will tell an animal related story, while the other will be required to provide the appropriate sound effect. Graeme Garden's team should be quite good at this, as he's an expert at doing farm impressions, and offered Barry Cryer some coaching, so the other evening, Barry went round to Graeme's house in the country...and Graeme shot him in the back... Winchester
17 Nov 2003
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Answer A Silly Question

The next round consists of a series of really silly questions. Am I looking forward to this? The silliest questions are often posed by young children. In fact, our own Barry Cryer used to ask so many stupid questions as a youngster, that his mother took him to see a child psychologist...but when he couldn't help, she took Barry to an adult one instead. And Tim was telling us how, some years ago, he was watching TV with his 4 year old son, when he suddenly asked "How do you make people laugh?" So Tim sat down while his son explained...

(before the Answer A Silly Question round)
Eastbourne
01 Dec 2003
The next round consists of a series of really silly questions. Am I looking forward to this? The silliest questions are often posed by young children. In fact, our own Barry Cryer used to ask so many stupid questions as a youngster, that his mother took him to see a child psychologist...but when he couldn't help, she took Barry to an adult one instead. And Tim was telling us how, some years ago, he was watching TV with his 4 year old son, when he suddenly asked "How do you make people laugh?" So Tim sat down while his son explained...

(before the Answer A Silly Question round)
Best of ISIHAC 2003
29 Dec 2003
The next round consists of a series of really silly questions. Am I looking forward to this? The silliest questions are often posed by young children. In fact, our own Barry Cryer used to ask so many stupid questions as a youngster, that his mother took him to see a child psychologist...but when he couldn't help, she took Barry to an adult one instead. And Tim was telling us how, some years ago, he was watching TV with his 4 year old son, when he suddenly asked "How do you make people laugh?" So Tim sat down while his son explained...

(before the Answer A Silly Question round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 2
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Answerphones

We're going to play a new game now that takes a look at the fascinating world of the answerphone. The task in this game is to try to indentify famous people merely by hearing the messages left on their machines by various callers. The idea for this arose when Tim was telling us that he'd been trying to contact his agent to see if there was any work about, and found that he could only leave messages. She hasn't got back to him yet, but then, as Tim explained, the last time they spoke, she was very busy gearing up for decimalisation...

(before the Famous Answerphones round)
Wolverhampton
19 Nov 2001
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Antithetical Duets

OK Teams - Here's a game that calls for supreme mental dexterity and lightning reflexes...while I try and sort out the mixup, I'd like you to play Antithetical Duets
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Ask A Silly Question

Let's start with a brand new round called Ask A Silly Question. This is where the teams will suggest ludicrous questions which no-one in their right mind would ever think to ask. The idea for this came to us last night after somebody asked "Would Mr. Cryer like anything else before we close the bar?"... Coventry
We start with a round called Ask A Silly Question, in which the teams will suggest the most stupid questions that could ever be asked. Am I looking forward to this! There's one to be going on with... Halifax
19 Jun 2006
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Ay-Oop Spy

In the next round, the teams are going to play a specially devised parlour game. As children, we often used to enjoy a game of Battleships, and became so skilled that we even played international matches, once beating the German team in the European Under 15s cup final. What a glorious day that was at Scapa Flow... However, in another field, shame was brought upon our family when grandmama was disqualified for cheating, after she became All England Blinking Champion. Having not blinked for the entire three hour tournament, the judges discovered she'd been in flagrant breach of the rules...by dying in her chair just before it started...

(before the Ay-Oop Spy round)
Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
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Beat The Clock

We go back in time now to the heyday of family entertainment, with our tribute to Sunday Night At The London Palladium. [ Back in the 1950s, the nation as a whole would gather around the TV...and wonder why 50 million of us had to share the one set. Not broadcast] It was a time when there were only two TV channels booking artists, comedians and entertainers, unlike today, when satellite broadcasting daily brings our teams upwards of a thousand opportunities for unemployment... In true Sunday Night At The Palladium style, the teams are going to play Beat The Clock. The original was hosted for many years by Bruce Forsythe, who delighted audiences with his many catchphrases, the most famous being: "What do you mean, a wig? [ Wig a, mean you do what? Not broadcast] " London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
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Blatant Lies

Our first round is called Blatant Lies, where the teams suggest the most obviously untrue statements imaginable. I'm really looking forward to this one. Actually, the idea for this game arose recently when Barry told us his tailor said he has the body measurements of an olympic athlete, with the muscular structure of a twenty year old. It's ludicrous...as if Barry Cryer's ever seen a tailor! Brighton
26 Nov 2001
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Blind Date

This is a game called Blind Date. It's based on that old televisual favourite in which hapless individuals can only wonder what humiliations are in store for them when the screen is pulled back...that's Casualty... Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
This is a game called Blind Date. It's based on that old televisual favourite in which hapless individuals can only wonder what humiliations are in store for them when the screen is pulled back...that's Casualty... Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
Now we come to a radio adaptation of the popular TV programme Blind Date, but we're going to play the Italian version...Venetian Blind Date. This week's lucky contestant is Tim, who's a stockbroker. Sorry, I misread that - he's a stick breaker... 17 Feb 1990
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Blue Peter

Our next round takes us back to the golden days of that perennial children's favourite Blue Peter. Even that show has succumbed to the electronic age with children impressing presenters with their skill on a three gigahertz computer. Whatever happened to those simpler days when two sixth-formers could satisfy Val Singleton with a toilet roll tube? Southport
13 Nov 2006
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Blues/Madrigal/Calypso

Well, it's time now for a round called Madrigal. A Madrigal, of course, was a kind of medieval lament, bemoaning the state of the world, and harking back to a mythical golden age which never existed. In the modern world, of course, this is known as the Daily Mail... Southsea
01 Jun 1998
It's time for a musical round in which the teams will take it in turns to sing various lines in order to make up the verses of a Madrigal. The madrigal is a form of music chiefly popular in the 16th century, and fondly remembered by several of our panellists... Windsor
04 May 1998
Our next round is called Madrigal. How often, listeners, have you sat pondering what delights might be in store if our team members were to turn their talents to the musical pleasures of an Elizabethan madrigal? No, neither have I... Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
Our next round is called Madrigal. How often, listeners, have you sat pondering what delights might be in store if our team members were to turn their talents to the musical pleasures of an Elizabethan madrigal? No, neither have I... Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
This is a round designed to show the full range of our teams' talents. It's what we call a shortie...

(before the Blues/Madrigal/Calypso round)
03 Feb 1990
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British Sports

The whole of our next section is devoted to an in-depth analysis of great British sporting achievement...did you enjoy it?

(before the Great British Sports round)
Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
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Business Slogans

You won't have failed to notice that many organizations these days feel the need to encapsulate their mission statement in a simple motto or slogan. For example, back in 1997, the Labour Party brilliantly adopted the slogan "Things can only get better" - a notion they've made even more true today...

(before the Bsiness Slogans round)
Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
We start today with a round of Mottos. [ These often adorn the Coats or Arms of aristocratic families. Even the Lyttelton dynasty has its own motto, which reads: Ocuum Danyay, Ocuum Payay - No Win, No Pay; the result of getting ours from a motto scratchcard... Not broadcast] Oxford
04 Jul 2005
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Call My Bluff

Many of you will be familiar with the fabulous television programme Call My Bluff, but don't let that put you off our version... 11 Feb 89
We're going on now to a game called Call My Bluff. You may have seen on the television the programme of that name, in which only one person is telling the truth...a bit like a party conference... 28 Sep 1987
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Car Alarms

Now, I know what everyone's thinking these days - "Aren't car alarms great?" If it wasn't for these marvellously sensitive devices, we might otherwise occasionally oversleep past four in the morning. And cars aren't alone with their audible alarms. Perhaps the best advance recently is in the field of burglar alarms which are now connected directly to the police...so the duty sergeant can now ignore them from the comfort of the local station...

(before the Car Alarms round)
Woking
29 May 2000
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Celebrity Answerphones

Now, our first round is entitled Celebrity Answerphones, and this has nothing to do with answerphones that happen to be celebrities in their own right... It means, teams, that I'd like you to suggest some messages that celebrities might leave on their telephone answering machines. For example, for Tim here, it might be: "Hello. This is Tim Brooke-Taylor. I'm not here at the moment, but whatever it is, I'll do it." Brighton
27 May 1995
Now, our first round is entitled Celebrity Answerphones, and this has nothing to do with answerphones that happen to be celebrities in their own right... It means, teams, that I'd like you to suggest some messages that celebrities might leave on their telephone answering machines. For example, for Tim here, it might be: "Hello. This is Tim Brooke-Taylor. I'm not here at the moment, but whatever it is, I'll do it." ISIHAC Classic Repeat
27 Apr 2008
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Celebrity Diaries

As is usual, news items became a little thin during the summer. Environmentally green listeners will be interested to remember that electricity produced by cattle manure methane gas came on stream. PowerGen explained that one cow could produce enough electricity to keep a 40 watt light bulb burning for 12 hours a day...although consumers were reluctant to adopt the new technology, as few were keen to have a cow in the living room, let alone insert the light bulb. As the autumn mists began to descend, events took a bizarre turn at Westminster when the head of a statue of Margaret Thatcher was reported to have been cut off and stolen. However, it soon became clear it had only been removed by restorers and taken away for the teeth to be resharpened...

(before the Celebrity Diaries round)
2002 Christmas Special
30 Dec 2002
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Celebrity Funerals

I was queueing in my local newsagents recently, behind nineteen people who weren't going to win the lottery that week, when my eye fell upon the amazingly wide range of celebrity interview magazines. One area that's been inexplicably overlooked by the likes of 'Hello!' magazine is the Celebrity Funeral. Well, with this in mind, we're launching 'Goodbye!' magazine... Woking
22 May 2000
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Celebrity Interviews

The next game is called A Day In The Life, and it's where I ask the teams to imagine themselves as famous celebrities... Leicester
10 Jun 2002
The next game is called A Day In The Life, and it's where I ask the teams to imagine themselves as famous celebrities... ISIHAC 8, Side 2
We take a refreshing look at the lives of celebrities next in an exercise called 'In Their Own Words'. I've brought along a selection of magazine interviews with certain famous people which have short sections missing. The teams' task is to use their skill and judgement to determine what the original words might have been. As a matter of fact, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor has recently been featured in a lot of interviews following publication of his latest book. Called 'A Brief History Of Tim', it takes us from the creation of the universe, through the development of an ever expanding and yet paradoxically infinite cosmos, right up to the present, with Tim's appearance in panto at Bournemouth this year...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Winchester
24 Nov 2003
...In the next game, the teams are going to take a look at the lives of real celebrities...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Belfast
21 Jun 2004
Right, in this next round, the teams are going to delve into the world of real celebrities. The cult of the celebrity is everywhere, with many lending their image to the promotion of consumer goods. I noticed recently on my pack of sausages, a picture of Anthony Worral Thompson in his kitchen. Underneath it said 'Prick with a fork'...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Salford
05 Jul 2004
Right, in this next round, the teams are going to delve into the world of real celebrities. The cult of the celebrity is everywhere, with many lending their image to the promotion of consumer goods. I noticed recently on my pack of sausages, a picture of Anthony Worral Thompson in his kitchen. Underneath it said 'Prick with a fork'...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
2004 Xmas Special Compilation
27 Dec 2004
It's now time for a round called A Day In The Life, in which the teams are going to delve into the lives of well-known personalities. Barry Cryer will obviously be at an advantage here, as he's often pictured at some celebrity party or other in those showbiz gossip magazines. I've lost count of the times we've seen photos of him plastered across their pages... Teams, I've brought along two genuine life style articles, detailing the daily routine of famous people from past and present. However, certain sections have been removed, and I'd like you to suggest how the missing extracts may have read. We had intended our first case study to be Mark Thatcher, but we can't discuss him for legal reasons, as he faces prosecution in Equatorial Guinea under the strict anti smug git laws... Tunbridge Wells
17 Jan 2005
The next round concerns people talking about themselves, which all too often can be a tedious experience. We've all suffered those dinner parties where you get lumbered with the most boring person in the world. In fact, Barry was telling us he was at a corporate dinner the other evening, at which he was seated next to an insurance account manager from Sidcup. There's not many of us could stomach three hours of relentless mind-numbing details about someone's terminally dull existence...and neither could the insurance man... However, today the teams will be looking at the lives of well-known celebrities. I believe that's known in the trade as 'rubbing their noses in it'...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Harrogate
26 Dec 2005
[ In this next round, the teams are going to take a look at the world of celebrities. The cult of the celebrity is everywhere, with many lending their image to the promotion of consumer goods. Quite how these people can live with themselves, prostituting their very being to tacky commercialism is beyond me. It makes me sick to my stomach. That's when I take Lyttelton's Tummy Ache {???unreadable}, now available in this handy blister pack. Not broadcast] This next round draws heavily on those star struck magazines that are obsessed by celebrities' lives and houses, with details of Jordan's new swimming pool that she needs to keep fit, or Ulrika Jonsson's new car park that she needs in time for Father's Day... [ Incidentally, Jordan's second novel was published earlier this year. I wonder if she's got round to reading it yet... Not broadcast]

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
Right, in this next round, the teams are going to delve into the world of real celebrities. The cult of the celebrity is everywhere, with many lending their image to the promotion of consumer goods. I noticed recently on my pack of sausages, a picture of Anthony Worral Thompson in his kitchen. Underneath it said 'Prick with a fork'... Teams, I've brought along two genuine life style articles, detailing the daily routine of famous people from past and present. However, certain sections have been removed, and I'd like you to suggest how the missing extracts may have read. We had intended our first case study to be Mark Thatcher, but we can't discuss him for legal reasons, as he faces prosecution in Equatorial Guinea under the strict anti smug git laws...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 1
We take a refreshing look at the lives of celebrities next in an exercise called 'In Their Own Words'. I've brought along a selection of magazine interviews with certain famous people which have short sections missing. The teams' task is to use their skill and judgement to determine what the original words might have been. As a matter of fact, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor has recently been featured in a lot of interviews following publication of his latest book. Called 'A Brief History Of Tim', it takes us from the creation of the universe, through the development of an ever expanding and yet paradoxically infinite cosmos, right up to the present, with Tim's appearance in panto at Bournemouth this year...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
ISIHAC Classic Repeat
30 Jun 2008
Now it's time for the teams to take a look at the lives of famous people as portrayed in press interviews and lifestyle magazines. Now, our very own Barry Cryer will be at something of an advantage here, as he's constantly being interviewed by magazines and newspapers. Barry's life is a non-stop whirl of meetings and appointments that would daunt a man half his age. If they ever find out what it is that keeps him going, someone should bottle it...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Haymarket
15 Jun 2009
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Celebrity Misquotes

Let's start with a round called Celebrity Misquotes, where I'll be asking the teams to suggest quotations that certain people are most unlikely ever to have said. I'm really going to enjoy this...so there's one for a start... Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Now, since this is a Christmas Special, teams, we'll need to get off to a cracking start, so while Samantha passes round the walnuts, let's play a game of Celebrity Misquotes. Though there have been plentiful records and articles documenting things that famous people have said during 1995, there are very few records of things they never said...in fact, if it wasn't for our tabloid newspapers we'd have very little idea who hadn't said what at all... 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
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Censored Songs

Well I must say I've recently become concerned about the amount of gratuitous sexually explicit material that's broadcast these days. Lovemaking isn't something for public display, it's a heavenly gift of beautiful personal experience of adoration to be cherished privately between you and whoever you're doing it to in the back of the car...

(before the Censored Songs round)
Sheffield
11 Jun 2001
Well it's high time we heard the teams sing again now. They're going to sing with a round of Censored Songs. Over the years, many records have been banned by the BBC on the grounds they might offend public decency. These have included many such blatantly erotic titles as "Je t'aime moi non plus", "Feeling Glad All Over", and of course "Tie Me Kangaroo Down"... Plymouth
07 Jun 1999
Well it says here 'It's time to hear the teams entertain us by singing'. I've waited 27 years and it hasn't happened yet. They're going to play a round called Censored Song, which is their protest against the high levels of blatant sexual inuendo polluting our airwaves these days. Whatever became of the classic broadcasting style of the 50's and 60's? We didn't need gratuitous filth to enjoy Hans and Lottie Haas in the foothills of the Himalayas, with Hans demonstrating the innocent pleasure of mounting an elephant, or Lottie getting ready to take one up the Khyber... Cardiff
14 Dec 1998
[ That went off very well. Wait a minute, I'm going to read that again. That went off. Very well, Not broadcast] Let's move on. It's come to my attention, teams, that there's an increasing tide of filth on our airwaves these days. Whatever happened to good wholesome TV shows like Johnny & Fanny Craddock's? We didn't need a catalogue of smut to enjoy Fanny sharing a recipe for sausages that taste just like Johnny's. Oh no indeed. We couldn't get enough Fanny in those days...

(before the Censored Songs round)
Eastbourne
01 Dec 2003
The next round takes us another step forward in our tireless campaign to free the airwaves of an ever increasing tide of filth. We're determined to bring broadcasting back to the days of wholesome family entertainment, such as the nature programme of Armand and Michaela Denis. One recalls Armand showing us how primates dangle from branches and Michaela preening giant parrots. We didn't need smutty inuendo to enjoy Michaela stroke a large cockatoo, while Armand was hung like a baboon up a tree...

(before the Censored Songs round)
Leeds
22 Dec 2003
It's time now for the teams to exercise a little discretion. I've noticed recently there's far too much smut and filth polluting our airwaves...ever since I worked out how to program my new video recorder in fact. It's not only TV that suffers with truly offensive material: songs can also be afflicted, teams, and with this in mind, I'd like you please to sing certain medleys, but taking care to buzz out any words that might cause offence to listeners of a delicate disposition. Do bear in mind teams that excessive use of the buzzer may drown out the piano accompaniment of Colin Sell. If that doesn't work, you might try banging a shoe on the desk...

(before the Censored Songs round)
Leeds
18 May 1998
It's time now for Censored Song, where the teams sing songs while taking care to remove any words liable to offend the more sensitive ear. Too much smut has polluted the airwaves of late, and I'm given to understand that even this programme has made inadvertant transgressions. Were it not for a particularly keen-eared listener, we'd never have known there were filthy meanings to such expressions as 'melons', 'bristols', 'knockers' or 'huge threepenny bits'. Our thanks go to the Bishop of Norwich for taking the trouble to point them out to us... Windsor
27 Apr 1998
The next round takes us another step forward in our tireless campaign to free the airwaves of an ever increasing tide of filth. We're determined to bring broadcasting back to the days of wholesome family entertainment, such as the nature programme of Armand and Michaela Denis. One recalls Armand showing us how primates dangle from branches and Michaela preening giant parrots. We didn't need smutty inuendo to enjoy Michaela stroke a large cockatoo, while Armand was hung like a baboon up a tree...

(before the Censored Songs round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 4
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Channel 5 Childrens' Hour

Now, I've noticed there's a lot of explicit sex shown on TV these days...ever since I learnt how to program my video recorder in fact. With this trend in mind teams, our first round is a tribute to Channel 5, the TV station that tries to censor out such filth...by showing it through a snowstorm for eight hours a night...

(before the Channel 5 Childrens' Hour round)
Stoke-on-Trent
05 Jun 2000
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Chas'n'Dave

Our next round is a musical one entitled Chas'n'Dave, and was inspired by those evergreen Cockney favourites...Anne Ziegler and Webster Booth... 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Our next round is a musical round called Chas'n'Dave, in tribute to that fine Cockney songster duo...Flanagan & Allen... Chas'n'Dave have over many years become as integral a part of our culture as Cockles & Mussels, Bangers & Mash, Rhubarb & Custard, and Kaolin & Morphine... Brighton
27 May 1995
Our next round is a musical round called Chas'n'Dave, in tribute to that fine Cockney songster duo...Flanagan & Allen... Chas'n'Dave have over many years become as integral a part of our culture as Cockles & Mussels, Bangers & Mash, Rhubarb & Custard, and Kaolin & Morphine... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
27 Apr 2008
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Chat Up Lines

It's time now for a demonstration of 'inter-personal relationship skills' in a round of Chat-Up Lines. The teams have been putting in some research for this by browsing through the lonely hearts ads, and it seems one way of appealing to a potential life partner is to list hobbies and recreations. Tony is keen on tennis; Tim plays golf; Graeme enjoys reading; while Barry takes frequent long walks in the country - although that's not strictly a hobby...he just keeps forgetting where he lives... Coventry
04 Dec 2000
The first round is all about the dark days of World War 2 - a time fondly remembered for rationing, powdered eggs, and unlimited opportunities for sexual encounters. It was a time when, in the face of adversity, romance was often in the air...except in single seater fighters, obviously. So worried were the authorities by this climate of free love, that those of us in the forces had something put in our tea to stop us constantly thinking about sex. I often wonder when it's supposed to start working...

(before the Wartime Chat-Up Lines round)
South Bank
26 Jun 2000
OK, it's time for the round about Chat-Up Lines and their place in the fascinating world of orthin...I'll tell you what...I must tell you this...You know when you think of a witticism only 24 hours too late. I was being interviewed by a guy in Scotland called Jack Something-or-other, and he started the interview ('cos one of my hobbies listed is bird watching): "I hear you're a bit of an orthinologist", and half way down the M6 the next day I thought I should have said "...not so much an orthinologist, more of a word botcher"... Stoke-on-Trent
12 Jun 2000
These days it seems a decent Chat-Up Line is essential for finding yourself a partner. Our own Barry Cryer tells me he's frequently approached by young women with the line: "I couldn't help noticing you keep looking at me. Can you see alright without the binoculars?"... Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
With so many singles on the lookout for a partner, teams, the art of the Chat-Up Line has taken on a renewed importance. Only the other day, our own Graeme Garden was propositioned with the line: "I think I've seen you on television. Don't you look different without the fast forward going"... York
15 Nov 1999
Let's start with a round about romantic introductions. Where can one look to find guaranteed eternal love? - The England ladies' tennis team scorboard is an obvious start, and when it comes to potential romance, the very first words spoken can be so important. As an example, our own teams are frequently approached by women with interesting opening lines. One often addressed to Tim Brooke-Taylor is: "Ah, the good looking one from The Goodies...Do you know what became of him?...", while Barry Cryer's is: "Oy! What are you doing in those bushes?"

(before the Motor Mechnics' Chat-Up Lines round)
Nottingham
28 Jun 1999
We'll start with a game called Ecclesiastical Chat-Up Lines, in which the teams will be suggesting useful chat-up lines for vicars, priests, and other member of the clergy. Incidentally, while we're on a religious bent, I must refute the rumour that one of our team members walks on water..although it's true that Barry Cryer runs on lager... Plymouth
07 Jun 1999
It's time now for a round of Chat-Up Lines. It's becoming ever more difficult for singles to find love these days, and many look to unlikely places in the hope of meeting a partner. All night supermarkets have recently become a popular haunt for desperate lonely types, particularly between household cleansers and refuse sacks in aisle 12 of Aylesbury Tescos between midnight and 0230 on Fridays...or so I'm told (Thanks for the tip, Tim). Spotting a potential partner in a supermarket in a store is all very well, but there is still the question of a suitable opening line. Graham tells us he is often propositioned with the gambit: "I didn't recognise you in colour"; while Barry makes many new friends following the line: "Come with us while we have a look in your bag." Birmingham
28 Dec 1998
We move on to a regular favourite now called Chat-Up Lines. This will be of special interest to Tim Brooke-Taylor who was telling us earlier how he hasn't quite mastered the art of the chat-up. Only the other night over a romantic candlelit dinner, he suddenly blurted out "Never mind pudding, darling. Why don't we just get back to my place and go at it like trip hammers?" What he meant to say was "Would Sir or Madame care for anything from the sweet trolly?"... ISIHAC 7, Side 2
We move on to a regular favourite now called Chat-Up Lines. This will be of special interest to Tim Brooke-Taylor who was telling us earlier how he hasn't quite mastered the art of the chat-up. Only the other night over a romantic candlelit dinner, he suddenly blurted out "Never mind pudding, darling. Why don't we just get back to my place and go at it like trip hammers?" What he meant to say was "Would Sir or Madame care for anything from the sweet trolly?"... ISIHAC 7, Side 4
It's time now for a demonstration of 'inter-personal relationship skills' in a round of Chat-Up Lines. The teams have been putting in some research for this by browsing through the lonely hearts ads, and it seems one way of appealing to a potential life partner is to list hobbies and recreations. Tony is keen on tennis; Tim plays golf; Graeme enjoys reading; while Barry takes frequent long walks in the country - although that's not strictly a hobby...he just keeps forgetting where he lives... ISIHAC 8, Side 3
The next round takes as its subject the art of love and romance. Now, normally I don't approve of the teams prising fun out of such a subject. Making love isn't something to be mocked. It's the most tender, beautiful act that money can buy... But every beautiful romance must begin with an opening line from one potential partner or the others...

(before the Chat-Up Lines round)
London Coliseum
11 Jun 2007
The next round is all about the language of love. Luckily, we have a couple of experts in the field. Jeremy has often been described as a 'hopeless romantic', which surprises no one, and Tim was telling us that after 35 years of marriage, his wife says she doesn't regret a single day with him. That day was January 12th 1978...

(before the Tennis Players' Chat-Up Lines round)
Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
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Cheddar Gorge

Have you noticed, teams, how the media address us like a bunch of idiots these days? Well I may be no Herbert Einstein, but I can understand properly constructed sentences when I see one...

(before the Cheddar Gorge round)
Stoke-on-Trent
05 Jun 2000
It's time for a perennial favourite Cheddar Gorge. As is so obviously implied by that title, each player must say one word at a time to construct a proper sentence. English is a fascinating language containing many anomalies including: the redundant 'g' in the word gnat; the unused 'k' in knowledge; and the silent 'p' in swimming baths. Earl Spencer insists that his stately home Althorp is pronounced 'Altrop'...what a load of carp... So watch your grammar teams - the double negative is a complete no-no... Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
Right, it's time now for the old favourite Cheddar Gorge - a game that has a fascinating history. It became first popular under Hanovarian rule as Cheddar George, being the pet name given to George III by Charlotte De Meclenburg when she found she'd married a king who was convinced he was a small portion of cheese, and so began a fine tradition of British Royal dottiness: Victoria was a succelent purple plum; Louis of Battenburg, a pink and yellow marzipan sponge cake; while our last King Edward was a small lumpy brown...Nazi sympathyser York
08 Nov 1999
We're going to try an interesting game now - we're going to play a game we call Cheddar Gorge. We call it that in honour of the fact that all the regulars on the programme are big cheese fans: Graeme is a member of the Roquefort Appreciation Society; Tim receives the Parmesan Newsletter; and Barry has a regular subscription to a Danish Blue magazine... Southsea
25 May 1998
The next game goes by the name of Cheddar Gorge. Titles of games are taken from all manner of sources, and I notice a recent trend towards using TV programmes. These include: A Place In The Sun which involves buying a daily newspaper containing a fish; Waking The Dead which is an interesting look at the audience at a Phil Collins concert; and then there's House Doctor, which involves treating serious injuries sustained while playing bingo... Eastbourne
01 Dec 2003
Our next round is a Shakespearean version of our regular game Cheddar Gorge, which we've cleverly modified and renamed Cheddar Bard... Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
...The next game is called Cheddar Gorge, where the object is to prevent the completion of a sentence. This shouldn't be confused with the game where the object is to prevent the start of a sentence which was recently devised by Reliance Security... Cheddar Gorge is the perfect title for our game, explaining neatly as it does, exactly how it works. In fact, one might say "It does exactly what it says on the tin", except it doesn't come in a tin, and besides, what a load of rubbish. I've got a tin at home that says "Open other end" - it never is... Belfast
14 Jun 2004
...The teams are now going to play the game called Cheddar Gorge. For the many listeners who find the title Cheddar Gorge quite baffling, a short explanation might prove useful. Well, 'Cheddar' is a type of cheese, and a 'Gorge' is a sort of ravine. In fact, the world's first cheese was invented at Cheddar Gorge in the 7th century, when buckets of milk were left in caves, where they mysteriously turned into cheese. By all accounts, this provided the most flavoursome foodstuff; the tasty joy of its consumption being tempered only by the resultant amoebic dysentry. This was a far cry from our modern processed products, such as the Dairylea triangle, which mysteriously makes ships disappear... Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ It's time now to play the old favourite called Cheddar Gorge. We've been playing this game now for so long that sometimes I dream I'm chairing it...then I wake up and find I am chairing it. It's a pity that more of our games don't come with such self-explanatory titles like Cheddar Gorge, as there are loads of games out there that literally speak for themselves. One thinks of 'Scrabble', the wartime board game for fighter pilots who can't pronounce the letter 'M'; and then there's 'French Cricket', where the object is to teach an insect to chirp La Marseillaise; and of course there's the old public school favourite 'Pitch & Toss', involving a bucket of hot bitumen and a packet of biscuits. Not broadcast] Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
[ OK, we move on now to an old favourite with the game called Cheddar Gorge. Many listeners write to use to ask how Cheddar Gorge got its name. Well, don't write to us. Write to Somerset County Council - they own it. Not broadcast] Manchester
03 Dec 2007
Why is it called Cheddar Gorge? You'd have to ask Somerset County Council - they own it... Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
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Christmas Problems

We have a seasonal round now. Yuletide is a time when families get together with all their relatives to exchange gifts. Personally, I find that children are always buying me presents I don't really want to use: an electric toothbrush; an ill-fitting sweater; a cemetery plot...

(before the Christmas Problems round)
Sadler's Wells
23 Dec 2002
Now, Christmas is almost upon us. The presents are wrapped under the tree awaiting the grandchildren, and the buckets of water are by the upstairs window awaiting the carol singers. Actually, it's an interesting historical fact that there's no evidence at all that Christmas Day should be in December. Some historians believe it should be in the month of September, some support October or November, while Tescos go for all of them... [ There are certain traditions I never miss. I was delighted to see Princess Anne in Windsor High Street where she turned on the Christmas illuminations...while her dogs turned on a passer by... Not broadcast]

(before the Christmas Problems round)
Peterborough
17 Dec 2007
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Christmas Quiz

Moving on, it seems that TV general knowledge quizzes are all the rage these days with shows such as 'Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire'...now there's one called 'Who Wants To Be A London Mayor', brought to you my the makers of 'Who Can Organize A Piss-Up In A Brewery', which is a game that has the undivided indifference of everyone who lives outside the City...and in it. One contestant famously came very close to the jackpot, but failed at the final hurdle...what a shame he chose to phone a friend...

(before the Christmas Quiz round)
1999 Christmas Special
25 Dec 1999
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Ciryl

OK, moving on, we now come to a long-forgotten musical round called Ciryl, which involves singing the words of a given song, but in reverse order. They call it 'Ciryl' because, rather cleverly, this is 'lyric' spelt backwards. The idea to revive this old classic came to me suddenly one day as I was walking through Finsbury Park...or as Ciryl players know it...'Krapy Rubsnif'. So teams, thinking caps on backwards please, because I'd like you to sing along in reverse to the piano accompaniment of 'Lles Niloc' - the artist formerly known as Colin Sell... Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
OK, moving on, we now come to a long-forgotten musical round called Ciryl, which involves singing the words of a given song, but in reverse order. They call it 'Ciryl' because, rather cleverly, this is 'lyric' spelt backwards. The idea to revive this old classic came to me suddenly one day as I was walking through Finsbury Park...or as Ciryl players know it...'Krapy Rubsnif'. So teams, thinking caps on backwards please, because I'd like you to sing along in reverse to the piano accompaniment of 'Lles Niloc' - the artist formerly known as Colin Sell... Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
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Clanger Theatre

Right, the teams are going to display their acting skills for us now, but I have to warn the others that Graeme Garden might be at something of an advantage in this round. He's recently been starring in 'Peak Practice', playing the role of a slightly doddery, prematurely ageing doctor - that couldn't have stretched his range much - but there was one specially interesting scene where Graeme examined an attractive young woman wearing only lacy underwear and stockings. Sadly, this was cut, and in the final version we see Graeme wearing a white coat instead. The round is called Clanger Theatre. [ The Clanger was a strange woolly creature that made a wierd whistling noise - or was that Roger Whittaker? Not broadcast] Clangers were the product of an age when childrens' programming was a much simpler and more wholesome treat than today, with shows featuring characters like Skippy, a cuddly kangaroo, Flipper, a lovable dolphin, and Tarzan, a half-naked, muscular man who lived in a tree with a small boy and a monkey... Wolverhampton
12 Nov 2001
The next round is called Clanger Theatre, and is inspired by the moon-based antics of those TV favourites, The Clangers. I've had some classic excerpts from stage and screen transcribed for the teams to re-enact. Actually, Tim Brooke-Taylor might be at something of an advantage in this round, as he's toured recently in a production of Othello, where everyone enjoyed his Casio. Who'd have thought Desdemona's death scene could be livened up with a cheap electric organ?... Sheffield
11 Jun 2001
Right, the teams are going to display their acting skills for us now. The round is called Clanger Theatre. Clangers were the product of an age when childrens' programming was a much simpler and more wholesome treat than today, with shows featuring characters like Skippy, a cuddly kangaroo, Flipper, a lovable dolphin, and Tarzan, a half-naked, muscular man who lived in a tree with a small boy and a monkey... ISIHAC 9, Side 3
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Close Quotes

For this next round, I'm going to play in some extracts from speeches by famous people...and Gyles Brandreth.

(before the Close Quotes round)
12 Oct 1987
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Commercial Disasters

|We start with a round taking business and marketing as a theme. You know, it's all to easy to forget that what made Britain a world power was her firm commerical foundation and finely honed skills at trading with other nations...that and marching over them with a bloody great army...

(before the Commercial Disasters round)
Guildford
24 May 1999
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Complaints

The next round takes a look at the pitfalls involving catalogue shopping. There's often the problem of gauging the correct size and colour from a photograph. For example, the size 42 brown jersey that Barry's wearing was meant to be a 36 inch green rotary lawnmower...

(before the Complaints round)
Peterborough
17 Dec 2007
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Complete Autobiographies

Before we start our next round, I've been asked to make a short announcement telling our listeners that repeats of many editions of the show can be heard on BBC7. Ha-ha - good one! As if there's a BBC7! [ We move on now to our literary quiz with a look at some famous peoples' autobiographies. This one could have been tailor-made for our special guest Harry Hill, who is a genuinely famous person. I know this, because there's a firm of opticians who specialise in supplying replicas of spectacles worn by certain celebrities. Their actual catalogue lists Woody Allen, John Lennon, Buddy Holly, Malcolm X, and the comedian Harry Hill - see, they couldn't even be bothered to say who the others were... Not broadcast]

(before the Complete Autobiographies round)
Oxford
04 Jul 2005
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Complete Bastards

Well, we have to move on, but I'm not sure I want to read this bit. It says: "The next round we come to is called Complete Bastards." Shocking! Don't they know it's 'the next round to which we come' is called Complete Bastards? I've brought along a selection of unfinished quotations from some of the world's most unpleasant human beings [ which I'd like the teams to complete. Normally, of course, we only use quotations from the great and the good, such as Dr. Martin Luther King, who said in his famous speech "I have a dream...that one day my range of rubber soled boots will be the best in the world." However, today we look at a selection of the most awful people imaginable, Not broadcast] such as Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini and Richard Branson. Hang on, Branson doesn't deserve to be included with Hitler and Mussolini - they managed to get their trains to run on time... Southport
20 Nov 2006
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Complete Chat Ups

We kick off with a round about classic chat up lines and the likely turn down responses they may elicit. One of Tim's sure-fire winning chat up lines is "Who's your favourite Goodie?" Luckily he does a fine impression of Jade...

(before the Complete Chat Ups round)
Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
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Complete Children's Stories

We hurry along now to take a look at children's books. [ Traditional children's stories can often have a dark side. Tim literally fainted in terror when he was first read the story of the Big Bad Wolf blowing down the Little Pig's straw house. Luckily we managed to revive him in time for the show. One of my favourites as a child was the story of the ugly duckling who grew up to be a...oh no, I mustn't give away the ending. I don't want to spoil anyone's enjoyment by revealing it grows up to be a beautiful swan. That would be like revealing that the Da Vinci Code turns out to be a great big turkey... Not broadcast] Our own Barry Cryer is an inveterate story teller. One of his best is how many years ago, he discovered an old lamp in the loft, and when he polished it, a genie popped out and promised Barry a wish. Barry asked to be made a top-line comedian, and sure enough...the genie asked him if he had a second choice...

(before the Complete Children's Stories round)
Halifax
19 Jun 2006
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Complete Crackers

We start with a game called Complete Crackers. In this game, the teams will attempt to provide punchlines to terrible jokes...just like they do in all the others... 2001 Christmas Special
24 Dec 2001
We start with a game called Complete Crackers. In this game, the teams will attempt to provide punchlines to terrible jokes...just like they do in all the others... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
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Complete Greetings Cards

...Our next game takes a fascinating look at the world of the Greetings Card. There are greetings cards available for many diverse occasions, such as Mother's Day, when sending your mother a cute picture of three kittens in a wellington boot on a bit of folded cardboard is deemed sufficient thanks for her going through the excrutiating pain of childbirth...

(before the Complete Greetings Cards round)
Dartford
07 Jun 2004
Since this is the start of an anniversary series for this programme, we're now going to look at the world of Greetings Cards. I can't help noticing that there are cards for every conceivable occasion these days. [ I saw one the other day that read: From Mummy & Daddy to a loving Son on his 80th Birthday. Who calls his parents 'mummy' and 'daddy' at that age? Not broadcast] There's even a card for people getting divorced, and in fact the teams have just signed one for Anne Robinson. We shouldn't tittle-tattle, but there are strong rumours that she's met someone else...and who's the lucky man? Mr Robinson. Oh yes, new romance and her expensive new look have certainly put a smile on her forehead... Croydon
12 Nov 2007
...Our next game takes a fascinating look at the world of the Greetings Card. There are greetings cards available for many diverse occasions, such as Mother's Day, when sending your mother a cute picture of three kittens in a wellington boot on a bit of folded cardboard is deemed sufficient thanks for her going through the excrutiating pain of childbirth...

(before the Complete Greetings Cards round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 3
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Complete Headlines

Our next round takes a look at some old newspaper items. I have here an ancient copy of The Times from when David Lloyd-George was still the Liberal Prime Minister. Fewer than 2% of households had a telephone, antibiotics had yet to be discovered, and Britain ruled the mightiest empire the world had ever seen. Doesn't that seem incredible now...a Liberal Prime Minister? Also, King George V was still on the throne after eleven years...following his State Visit to India. These are all headlines from Monday 23rd May 1921, the day on which I was born, Ireland was given independence, and Mongolia declared war on [ Indo- Not broadcast] China. The gestures were appreciated, but everyone else just sent a card or perhaps a shawl...

(before the Complete Headlines round)
Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
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Complete Jokes

The next round is all about jokes. [ I've noticed in these post-modern times, it's become the fashion amongst comedians not to tell jokes, providing the teams with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be the most fashionable comedians of the moment. However, I now intend to reverse this trend with a selection of classic jokes I've brought along with me for the teams to complete Not broadcast] I'll be looking to Barry Cryer to lead on this one, as he's been a comedian longer than the others. In fact, Barry started out entertaining the troops, but in honesty never enjoyed great success...perhaps it might have gone better if he'd bothered to learn German...

(before the Complete Jokes round)
Eastbourne
15 Dec 2003
The next round is all about jokes. I'll be looking to Barry Cryer to lead on this one, as he's been a comedian longer than the others. In fact, Barry started out entertaining the troops, but in honesty never enjoyed great success...perhaps it might have gone better if he'd bothered to learn German...

(before the Complete Jokes round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 4
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Complete Movie Straplines

...We delve now into the world of Movies. As a professional actor, our special guest Jack Dee, may be at something of an advantage here. Jack was recently seen in a new Blockbuster, where he played the part of a third passer-by returning videos. Coincidentally, Graeme Garden recently starred in a remake of Planet Of The Apes. He was saying how he had to spend eight hours every day in make-up, having big yellow teeth and huge hairy nostrils expertly disguised...

(before the Complete Movie Straplines round)
Belfast
14 Jun 2004
We take a look at the world of cinema in this next game, with some classic Movie Straplines. The 20th century certainly produced some wonderful movies. One thinks of 'A Night To Remember', telling the tale of that fateful night aboard the S.S. Titanic as the mighty steamship hit a...hang on, I mustn't ruin it by giving he ending away. [  {???} was one of the greatest movies ever - 'Wizard Of Oz' - with Judy Garland in plaited pigtails and gingham frock, singing brightly as she gaily skipped off down the road to becoming a drug-addled alcoholic {???}. Not broadcast] Now, as sought-after actors go, Tony Hawks will be at something of an advantage in this round, as we were surprised to learn that Tony recently instructed his agent to turn down 'Casino Royale'. His agent threw him the remote, and told him to turn it down himself... Sunderland
18 Dec 2006
...We delve now into the world of Movies. As a professional actor, our special guest Jack Dee, may be at something of an advantage here. Jack was recently seen in a new Blockbuster, where he played the part of a third passer-by returning videos. Coincidentally, Graeme Garden recently starred in a remake of Planet Of The Apes. He was saying how he had to spend eight hours every day in make-up, having big yellow teeth and huge hairy nostrils expertly disguised...

(before the Complete Movie Straplines round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 1
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Complete Proverbs

On with the next round, and I believe we're going to have some great fun now with Proverbs. Sadly, many proverbs nowadays have suffered from overuse to the point of becoming tired old clichés. On this show, of course, we avoid tired old clichés like the plague... Glasgow
07 Dec 1998
The next round is all about folklore and superstition. I was always impressed by the notion that breaking a mirror is certain to bring you seven years' bad luck. Yesterday, I deliberately smashed four, thereby guaranteeing I'll live to be one hundred and fourteen... [ and Barry was telling us that he suffered a nasty fall as a result of walking under a ladder. He was so busy watching the window cleaner, he tripped over a three-legged rabbit. Not broadcast]

(before the Welsh Superstitions round)
Cardiff
25 Jun 2007
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Complete Quotes

Our next game is called Complete Quotes. This shouldn't be confused with the game about builders' estimates - that's Incomplete Quotes... South Bank
26 Jun 2000
February saw the 50th anniversary of the accession of the Queen Elizabeth II. Jubilee celebrations soon began in earnest, with the opening of an exhibition of photographs featuring Royal furniture, silverware, jewellery, and many other items...reported missing. The month of March saw regional railworkers going on strike, reducing parts of the network to complete...normality. At Westminster, Richard Balf M.P. defected from the Labour party, and crossed the floor of the House to become a Conservative, thereby creating history as the first recorded incident of a rat joining a sinking ship. As spring melted into early Summer, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue celebrated its 30th anniversary with a special evening at the Playhouse Theatre, where the show started. We would have gone back for our 25th, but some of the theatre staff still remembered us from the first time round...

(before the Complete Quotes round)
2002 Christmas Special
30 Dec 2002
Right teams, we're now going to play a round called Complete Quotes. The popularity of the well-turned phrase that's wittily delivered never seems to diminish. Who, for example, can forget the great Oscar Wilde's memorably outburst "I have nothing to declare...but a bottle of vodka and two hundred cigarettes"... ISIHADI
11 Jan 1999
OK, it's time now for a splendid round called Complete Quotes. It's surprising how many of us don't know the complete version of many famous quotations. For example, there are those immortal words of Neville Chamberlain "I have in my hand a piece of paper...would someone pass a new roll under the door please." In this round, teams, you'll hear a series of well-known personalities speaking, each of whom has unfortunately stopped in mid sentence. I'd like you to finish them off please...that's the quotations... Southsea
25 May 1998
Let's go on to a round which is entitled Quoting Shakespeare. What, I wonder, can our teams make from a series of phrases or sayings first employed some 400 years ago. Well, apart from the script of the Jimmy Tarbuck Show... Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
Let's go on to a round which is entitled Quoting Shakespeare. What, I wonder, can our teams make from a series of phrases or sayings first employed some 400 years ago. Well, apart from the script of the Jimmy Tarbuck Show... Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
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Complete Song Lyrics

The first round is all about the importance to a song of its lyric. What, you may ask, happens to those many songs that fail miserably to entertain for want of a decent lyric...they end up on the Rolf Harris Greatest Hits album, that's what

(before the Complete Song Lyrics round)
Greenwich
13 Dec 1999
Right, it's time now time for a game called Complete Carols. One of the true thrills of the festive season comes from seeing the cherubic faces of carol singers huddled together in the cold on your doorstep...and then pretending to be out... 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
In this next round, the teams are going to be tested on their knowledge of song lyrics. The importance of song lyrics is often overlooked. Lyricists rarely receive the recognition they deserve, their names often barely remembered. Think of the great musicals. Where would Rogers have been without Hammersmith? Or Andrew Loyd-Webber without Mandy Rice Davis?...

(before the Complete Song Lyrics round)
Hull
03 Jan 2005
Right teams, our first round is called Complete Song Lyrics, and it celebrates the work of the lyricist. Men like Peter Skellern and Richard Stilgoe who I understand are revered by Mexicans for their sheet music... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
16 Jun 2008
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Complete Warning Signs

We move on to the subject of public health and safety, with a round of Warning Signs. One of the earliest that used to intrigue me was the railway signs that warned 'Alight Other Side', until one night in 1945 when our train drew into Dresden station... [ Another I saw on our way down here read 'Road Works Ahead' - it certainly did not! Not broadcast] Just across the street from this theatre there's a sign that says 'Watch batteries fitted here'. What kind of spectator sport is that?

(before the Complete Warning Signs round)
Bristol
22 May 2006
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Completely Wilde

[ In the next round, the teams will be tested on quotations from Oscar Wilde. Wilde, you may remember, was a great playwright, novellist and wit, without whom each edition of Quote, Unquote would be 27 minutes shorter. We can but dream... Always a controversial figure, in the 1890s Wilde was prosecuted by the Courts, and as a punishment for his homosexuality, was sent to prison. Can the Victorians really have been that naive? Not broadcast]

(before the Completely Wilde round)
Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
In the next round, the teams will be tested on quotations from Oscar Wilde. Always a controversial figure, in the 1890s Wilde was prosecuted by the Courts, and as a punishment for his homosexuality, was sent to prison. Can the Victorians really have been that naive?

(before the Completely Wilde round)
2004 Xmas Special Compilation
27 Dec 2004
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Compressed Works

OK, OK, you can have the invasion plans! [ While the teams were singing there, I was pretending I was being tortured. What do I mean - pretending?... Not broadcast] We move on now to look at the world of TV and film. [ There's been a lot of criticism of the low intellectual quality of broadcast media recently, and I was pleased to see the problem addressed in this year's Reith Lectures...delivered by Wayne Rooney. With the reality genre sweeping all before it on our screens, it seems we see nothing now but people being made to eat a huge plate of live locusts on I'm A Celebrity..., or swallow a pile of tripe in The Da Vinci Code. Not broadcast] Last year, I'm given to understand, TV audiences were confused by a documentary on the Italian Rennaissance, as they only knew Florence as a character in The Magic Roundabout. Idiots! She must have appeared in lots of other things...

(before the Compressed Works round)
Bristol
22 May 2006
The first visit on our tour this year is to Bristol, where we're lodged in fine boutique style accommodation. I visit the comfortable lounge and order a pot of coffee, but the waiter asks: "Are you staying in the hotel at all?" "Yes", I replied, "practically all of me". I find Bristol to be a fine city with much to be admired, until this happened:
We move on now to look at the world of TV and film. Last year, I'm given to understand, TV audiences were confused by a documentary on the Italian Rennaissance, as they only knew Florence as a character in The Magic Roundabout. Idiots! She must have appeared in lots of other things...

(before the Compressed Works round)
2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
Now, browsing amongst the self-help shelves in my local bookshop recently, I notice a volume called 'Window Dressing For Dummies'. This prompted the thought that there ought to be more guides to self-improvement. I know that Graeme recently tried to publish his book called 'Teach Yourself Fireeating', but Health & Safety came down on him like a ton of bricks...and had to prosecute themselves. However, Tim's guide to the correct use of Vaseline won this year's prize for non-friction, and I'm pleased to be able to report that Rob's latest book on telekinesis has been flying off the shelves...

(before the Compressed Works round)
Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Connections

...OK, it's the Connections round now, in which the teams have to guess what might link various disparate persons, items or facts. So, for example, if I were to ask what might link Osama Bin Laden and Noel Edmunds, then the obvious answer is that they've both disappeared without trace... Dartford
31 May 2004
OK, we move on now to the Connections round, in which the teams are presented with several unlikely items, and have to try to connect them. So, for a simple example, if I were to ask what connects the Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable Snowman, Lord Luchan and Davina McCall, the answer is that the first three all appeared on Davina McCall's chat show. Little wonder nobody's seen them... Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
This next one is called Connection Quiz, and this is a bit like Mastermind except that it's played with a more uncomfortable chair... 03 Sep 1979
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Conveyor Belt

Right, we move onto a new game now which we've borrowed from that television classic The Generation Game, and if it proves only half as fresh and entertaining as the original...we're in big trouble. The teams will watch a selection of items on a conveyor belt which they should attempt to remember later - thus will be created all the excitement of an airport baggage reclaim. After the items have passed by teams, you will have 60 seconds to recall as many as possible. It says here "Colin Sell will entertain with some light backing music"

(before the Conveyor Belt round)
Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Corner Shop

Well, I've come very nearly to the end of my teth...to the end of the show, but there's just time for a round about Dogs.

(before the Dogs' Corner Shop round)

Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Correspondence

Our next game is all about exchanging letters between unlikely correspondents. It's called 84 Chicken Cross Road. [ {??? unreadable} our own Barry Cryer who engaged in a lengthy correspondence with J.K. Rowling when she was a struggling writer. Sadly, this fascinating glimpse into the real character of the correspondents was to stop as soon as she found fame and fortune, and could afford to take out a restraining order... Not broadcast] With the advent of the internet and e-mail, letter writing has largely gone out of fashion, to the extent that before long, the good-old postage stamp will become redundant, and there will be no more commemmorative issues such as the Queen's Golden Jubilee set, [ where in celebration, the Post Office surprised us all by printing a picture of a young smiling woman on each one. Not broadcast] which is a shame. My favourite issue was depicting breeds of British dogs, each one coming with a special instruction to sniff the back before licking it... Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
The teams are now going to take us back to the golden age of correspondence. The art of letter writing has largely died out these days, in part thanks to our country's declining standards of literacy, which are absolutely appaling (it says here 'appealing')

(before the Correspondence round)
Hull
20 Dec 2004
In the next round, the teams will take turns to play the parts of characters from history - it's what we call 'typecasting'. Their task is to take us back to the golden age of letter writing. It was a time when the likes of Samuel Pepys would sit at his writing desk with an array of quill pens, and gaze out of the window for inspiration from the flocks of bald pigeons...

(before the Correspondence round)
Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
OK. I keep saying 'OK' all the time. It gives an entirely false impression. In our next round, the teams will take us back to the golden age of correspondence, as, in this modern electronic age, proper letter writing has all but died out. With e-mail and the like, we've lost the joy of opening a crisp envelope with a letter knife and the expectant delight at sliding out the two halves of a Postal Order, [ and of the little love messages one could add coded as place names, like BURMA, NORWICH, and MIDDLE WALLOP. Back in the Victorian age, a gentleman of high standing would revel in the simple pleasure derived from dipping his solid gold fountain pen into a Cartier inkwell to write a carefully crafted death sentence for stealing two apple cores and a potato peeling Not broadcast]...

(before the Correspondence round)
Ipswich
30 May 2005
[ The teams are going to take us back now to a golden age of letter writing, with a tribute to Sir Roland Hill, the father of our modern postal service. Before he devised his system, a first class letter could take up to seven weeks to be delivered from London to York - something the Royal Mail can today achieve in half the time... Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
The teams are going to take us back to a golden age of letter writing now, [ with a tribute to Sir Roland Hill, the father of our modern postal service. Before he devised his system, a letter could take up to seven weeks to be delivered from London to Oxford...something today's first class Mail can achieve in half the time. Not broadcast] Letter writing these days has all but died out, with the advent of email and mobile phones, but I have to say I find this technology a little baffling. Only this week, my mobile phone company tried to get me to download the Crazy Frog. Who the hell wants Jacques Chirac in a crash helmet {???unreadable}

(before the Correspondence round)
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
Our next game takes us back to a golden era of letter writing. [ Even before today's age of electronic communication, alternatives to the written letter were available. For example, Lord Nelson sent orders to his ships via signal flags strung between masts. However, on one occasion while in harbour, Lady Hamilton hung her smalls out to dry and the entire fleet promptly opened fire on the Portsmouth branch of Dorothy Perkins... Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ OK, the teams are going to demonstrate now the art of letter writing. With the near universal use of e-mail these days, I mourn the passing of proper handwriting. That's why I insist my scripts are written in nothing but the clearest kipper plate...sorry, that's copper plate...calligraphy. Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ Our next game is set to revive the art of letter writing. Long before the age of e-mail and texting there existed many ingenious forms of communication. In ancient China, the Emperor sent his secret messages written on the shaven heads of servants. The servant would set off when his hair had grown back, and on arrival, the message was revealed by a barber. By far the most common was 'Please send a bottle of Old Spice and a packet of three'. In the twentieth century, the Aldis Lamp was developed to flash morse code instructions between ships, with the result that one foggy night in December, a British destroyer found itself taking orders from the Bismark's christmas disco lights, and set off to attack the Y.M.C.A. Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
Our next game is set to revive the art of letter writing. Long before the age of e-mail and texting there existed many ingenious forms of communication. [ In ancient China, secret messages were written on the shaven heads of servants. The servant would set off when his hair had grown back, and on arrival, the message was revealed by a barber. By far the most common was 'Just a trim round the ears, please'. In the twentieth century, Not broadcast] the Aldis Lamp was developed to flash morse code instructions between ships, with the result that one foggy night in December, a British destroyer found itself taking orders from the Bismark's christmas disco lights, and set off to attack the Y.M.C.A.

(before the Correspondence round)
Bristol
22 May 2006
The next round takes us back to the golden age of letter writing. Long before we adopted e-mail, text and FAX, many ingenious methods were devised in order to send messages. In North America, the native Indian tribes used to send messages via smoke signals from one valley to the next. Amongst the most common was: "Help! Our wigwam's on fire!"

(before the Correspondence round)
Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
The teams are set to revive the art of letter writing now. [ In this modern age of electronic communication, the art of putting pen to paper has all but died out. Abraham Lincoln didn't need a computer. He wrote the Gettisburg Address in pencil on the back of an envelope, and then solemnly rose before his assembled troops and read "24 Acacia Avenue, Sidcup." And all it took was a short note by Herr Hitler to Neville Chamberlain to prevent World War II. OK, perhaps that's not such a good example. Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Halifax
19 Jun 2006
[ Our next game takes us back to the golden age of letter writing. Although the art of putting pen to paper has largely died out, non-written forms of communication pre-date the age of electronic mail. In naval warfare, the Aldis Lamp was developed to flash morse code instructions, with the result that one foggy night in 1915, HMS Hood took orders from the Beachy Head lighthouse, and spent the rest of the week chasing a vessel called S.S. S-s-s Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Brighton
28 Nov 2005
The next round is about letter writing and all that it entails. [ For example, it's most important always to include a postcode. And how often, teams, do you wonder how those fascinating codes are devised? No, me neither. In fact, they're not as simple as they seem. You might think that if you live around Leeds, for example, you'd have a Leeds postcode. Oh no - you might get allocated a Bradford postcode, because that's where your postman comes from, which explains why although I live near Barnet, I've got a Karachi postcode... Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ The next round is about letter writing and all that it entails. For example, it's most important always to include a postcode. And how often, teams, do you wonder how those fascinating codes are devised? No, me neither. In fact, they're not as simple as they seem. You might think that if you live in Chelsea, for example, you'd have a Chelsea postcode, but oh no - you might get allocated a code by Fulham, because that's where the postman comes from, which is why although I live in Barnet, I've got a Karachi postcode... Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
We move on now to a round about the dying art of letter writing. [ In days of old, teams, letters were written under the most adverse conditions. One recalls Major Arthur Harrison, who despite his incarceration in a German P.O.W. camp, managed to smuggle out dozens of letters in preparation for his escape attempt. After Major Harrison's funeral in 1974, as a mark of respect, his ashes were scattered by his old army pals, who shuffled about dropping them down their trousers... Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
It's early November, and we're paying a rare visit to London, where tonight the show is to be staged at the Victoria Palace Theatre. As I check into my hotel room, I find a card amongst the shampoo bottles which reads: Please help yourself to our bathroom accessories. What a devil of a job I have getting a heated towel rail off the wall. Arriving by train at London's refurbished Victoria Station, the teams paused to take in the Jeffrey Archer Memorial, which lies next to platform eight. Yes, even his memorial does it. London audiences are notoriously difficult to please, so right from the start, the teams put on their best performance...and when that doesn't work, they give up and go back to the usual stuff...

(before the Correspondence round)
2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
The teams are going to transport us back to the golden age of letter writing now. In fact, the art of letter writing has enjoyed something of a revival recently, and there are even companies that will write proper old-fashioned letters for you, if you're not great at grammar or spelling. For example, if you want to write to your bank manager, they'll know whether you spell 'git' with one 't' or two. There was one company that even wrote bespoke ransome notes. I always refused to pay them...

(before the Correspondence round)
London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
The teams are set now to revive the art of letter writing. [ In this age of electronic communication, rather than writing letters, it seems everyone is sending texts, jabbing away at their phones with their fingers. Personally, I still prefer the fountain pen, but it does make an inky mess of the keypad. The traditionally written letter will surely always have more impact than any email. Not broadcast] It was one letter written from war-torn Africa by a French doctor to his colleagues in Paris that sparked the foundation of the international aid organization Medicine Sans Frontier, and what a difference their aid workers have made in crisis areas, trying to run up greasy slopes wearing huge papier mache heads...

(before the Correspondence round)
Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
Right, the next round is the one called 84 Chicken Cross Road, and it's about letter writing. Coincidentally, Barry was telling us that he's finally received a letter from the water board in response to his enquiries about residual chemicals from birth control pills appearing in drinking water. The letter confirms categorically that levels are well within accepted safety figures, so there must be some other reason Barry's gone up two bra sizes...

(before the Correspondence round)
Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
[ We now come to what's known as a watercooler moment, so while the teams are away getting a drink, I'll introduce the next round. We're poised to go back to the golden age of letter writing now. It's amazing how the art of communication has moved on. Just think how today, one can spend a few minutes tapping letters into a mobile phone, pausing for no more than half an hour or so to correct the predictive text, before communicating almost instantly. To think that but a few years ago, one would have to go to all the trouble of speaking to be understood. Writing letters back and forth reminds me of a game of tennis, which in turn reminds me I must buy a new crowbar. Talking of tennis, there was an appaling scandal recently suggesting that certain of the less well paid professional tennis players had been offered bribes to throw matches. However, his many fans can rest easy in the knowledge that Tim Henman categorically never felt the need to accept money to lose a game...

(before the Correspondence round)
Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
We are poised to go back to the golden age of letter writing now. It's amazing how the art of communication has moved on. [ The teams are going to write some letters now, an activity that had to be curtailled during the recent postal strike. For days on end the postman never came, and when he did eventually turn up, it wasn't until the middle of the afternoon, and that was with a bunch of letters that had been lying around in the sorting office for a month. Then to cap it all, he went on strike. Not broadcast] Most correspondence these days is, of course, conducted by email, which may be quick and efficient, but you do have to be careful about those spam messages. I inadvertently opened one recently, and there were pictures of young naked women. Underneath, it said 'Click on the ones you want to have a sex romp with.' That's disgusting. It's 'the ones with whom you want to have a sex romp'. [ I told them in no uncertain terms that I didn't want that kind of stuff appearing on my computer...as I waved them all off down the drive... Not broadcast]

(before the Correspondence round)
Manchester
26 Nov 2007
[ We come now to what's known as a 'watercooler moment', so while the audience go out to get a drink, I'll introduce the next round. Not broadcast] We're poised to go back to the golden age of letter writing now, with the teams taking turns to improvise the letters between two famous historical figures. This is an entirely improvised round, which will be good news for Barry, as he's recently discovered he's dyslexic. However, in this enlightened age, we don't do jokes about dyslexia - they're not clever, and they're not furry. So get thee behind me Santa...

(before the Correspondence round)
Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
OK. I keep saying 'OK' all the time. It gives an entirely false impression. In our next round, the teams will take us back to the golden age of correspondence, as, in this modern electronic age, proper letter writing has all but died out. With e-mail and the like, we've lost the joy of opening a crisp envelope with a letter knife and the expectant delight at sliding out the two halves of a Postal Order...

(before the Correspondence round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 1
So the teams are now going to indulge us with some good old-fashoined letter writing next. The round is played in support of Post Office Awareness Week as our Royal Mail faces privatisation at the hands of Peter Mandelson, [ or as we have to call him now Baron Mandelson of Foy in the County of Hereford and Hartlepool in the County of Durham. Great value that man - Peer of the Realm and geography lesson all rolled into one. The worry is that no private company could ever maintain the standards of service set by Royal Mail and make a profit. Not broadcast] Who else could promise to deliver letters every day arriving at the crack of lunchtime? Rumour has it that the parcels handling service might go over to TNT - so much more efficient than having to smash them manually...

(before the Correspondence round)

Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

Cost Cutters

OK, let's get cracking with the first game, which today is Cost Cutters. As economic gloom sweeps over the broadcasting industry, ever more draconian cuts are being made to budgets, and even this programme is not immune. This week, Jeremy saved cash by cycling to the theatre, while Tim hopped on the back of Graeme's moped. Barry actually raised funds by selling off some of his old clothes, which I'm please to say have brought a welcome touch of authenticity to 'The Forsyte Saga'... Leicester
03 Jun 2002
OK, let's start with the first round. This week it's Round One, and it's called Cost Cutters. As the economy slides ever deeper into recession, programme makers are being forced to trim budgets, and in a desperate bid to keep the project afloat, I understand the makers of a Goodies revival series have had to employ actors who'll work for nothing - still it'll be nice to see at least two of the original cast again... Bristol
10 Dec 2001
OK, on with the first game, teams, which is all about cutting costs. It's called Cost Cutters... Greenwich
06 Dec 1999
Let's kick off with a round of Cost Cutters, and if this isn't a sure fire winner, then I'm a Dutch uncle. Which reminds me, I have to say a quick 'hello' to my young nephew Case Van Der Skippelgroeten Malvern
18 Nov 2002
OK, on with the first game, teams, which is all about cutting costs. It's called Cost Cutters. There's nothing that gets my goat more than the senseless waste of licence fee income, which is why I've instructed the BBC to stop putting chilled champagne in my dressing room. There's no point going to the expense of chilling it if it's only going in the bath... Southsea
25 May 1998
Well, they say that all good things are worth waiting for, so let's get straight on with the first round, and this week, it's Cost Cutters. As BBC budgets are pared to the bone, producers are being forced to devise cut price versions of their shows. [ By the way, when I say that programmes are being made by cost cutters, it doesn't mean that the BBC buys its prime time TV shows from a cheap supermarket. It just looks like it. Not broadcast] Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
We launch ourselves into this new series team, don't we, in troubled times. Such is the poor state of our economy, swingeing cutbacks and redundancies are even hitting employment levels in broadcasting. Jobs deemed no longer necessary include: the You And Yours award speech writer; Dale Winton's Ronseal artist; and Chris Tarrant's entire team of sincerity wranglers...

(before the Cost Cutters round)

Haymarket
15 Jun 2009
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Daily Mail Headlines

[ OK, let's move on to a brand new game called Daily Mail Headlines, in tribute to the columnists of that great national newspaper. When it was founded in 1896 by Lord Northcliffe, the Mail's first readers didn't know what to think. These days, thanks to Lynda Lee Potter's column, they've no need to even bother. What would the Daily Mail be like without Lynda Lee Potter? One tries to imagine Troy without Helen, Russia without Catherine The Great or the Battle Of Britain without Eva Braun... Not broadcast] Bradford Session 2
We move on now to a game called Daily Mail Headlines. This is played in tribute to the columnists of that great national newspaper. When it was founded in 1896 by Lord Northcliffe, the Mail's first readers didn't know what to think. These days, thanks to Linda Lee Potter's column, they've no need to even bother. [ What would the Daily Mail be like without Linda Lee Potter? One tries to imagine Troy without Helen, Russia without Katherine The Great, or the Battle Of Britain without Eva Braun... Not broadcast] Eastbourne
15 Dec 2003
[ My word, that was good. Perhaps they should have played that instead. The next round is inspired by the variety of choice afforded by our great national daily newspapers, each with its own unique style: like the conservative Daily Telegraph which underpins its credo by employing columnist Boris Johnson, known as the thinking man's idiot; and the left-leaning Guardian is often knocked for the frequency of its typos. Personally, if I thought I was producing a newspaper with that number of spelling mistakes, I'd carp myself! But today we concentrate on the Daily Mail.

(before the Daily Mail Headlines round) Not broadcast]
Leeds
22 Dec 2003
Our next game is an old favourite called Daily Mail Headlines. Actually, I've stopped taking the Daily Mail now that their astrologer Russell Grant has left. It was inevitable Russell would have to go as he could never get along with the editor of the woman's section. She's a Capricorn, and he's idiot... Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
The next round is inspired by the variety of choice afforded by our great national daily newspapers, each with its own unique style: like the conservative Daily Telegraph which underpins its credo by employing columnist Boris Johnson, known as the thinking man's idiot.

(before the Daily Mail Headlines round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 4
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

Dead Air

We move on now to a different and entertaining round. Now, the cardinal sin of wireless broadcasting is total silence, or Dear Air. However, the teams will be doing well to replicate the stunned silence that greeted Barry last weekend, addressing the Church of England Ladies' Bible Class Committee. Perhaps he shouldn't have spent quite so long in the bar before telling the one about the bloke who went out to fly stunt kites in the Kent countryside... Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
[ OK, we move on to an experimental round now, called Dead Air. The cardinal sin of wireless broadcasting is total silence or 'dead air'. Luckily the teams don't suffer this in between their jokes, thanks to the marvellous enthusiasm with which they are received by the adoring fans they buy from the sound effects department. However, silences do occur in all walks of life. Many of these are recorded as important historical documents and meticulously catalogued in the BBC Silence Library. All the old fashioned tape and disc recordings of total silence are currently being digitised, and what a marvellous job they've done. {???} remastered silences on CD have also been converted to stereo and you really can't tell the difference...twice Not broadcast] London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

Disfunctional Duets

Well it's time for a musical round now, called Disfunctional Duets. In this round, teams, I'd like you to sing duets in the style of unlikely partnerships. The history of popular music is littered with strange pairings...as indeed was this stage earlier, after Barry Cryer's novelty act of clipping his toenails to the tune of the trumpet voluntary... Southsea
25 May 1998
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

DIY 70s Cop Show

OK, we're going back in time now, with a round called DIY 70s Cop Show. This game is a tribute to the popular TV series Life On Mars, in which a chap goes into a deep coma at the beginning of the series and keeps waking up to find himself in 1973. They've stolen my life! In this round, I'd like you to come up with a 1970s cop show drama. The 70s were much simpler times, long before the age of the hoodie and the A.S.B.O. These days it's even necessary to send grumpy grannies to prison, but I notice that that 85 year old who was put away successfully appealed against her sentence and had it reduced from 6 months to life... [ Back in the 70s, every cop show seemed to be a team of two - Starsky & Hutch, Bodie & Doyle, Regan & Carter, and then there were those two who never seemed to solve any crimes at all...Cannon & Ball. Week in, week out I watched them. They never caught a single criminal. What did they think we tuned in for - fun? I never heard anybody laughing... Not broadcast] Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
[ We're going back in time now with a 1970s D.I.Y. Cop Show. This game is a tribute to the popular TV series Life On Mars, where a chap goes into a deep coma at the beginning of the series, and wakes up to find himself in 1973. They've stolen my life, in reverse! The 70s were much simpler times long before the age of the hoodie and the ASBO. These days they even send grumpy grannies to prison. But I notice the 85 year old who was put away has successfully appealed against her sentence and had it reduced from 6 months to life... Back in the 70s, every cop show seemed to include a team of two - Starsky & Hutch, Bodie & Doyle, Regan & Carter, and then there were those two who never seemed to solve any crimes at all...George & Mildred. Week in, week out I watched, and never saw them solve {???unreadable} What did they think we tuned in for - fun? I never heard anybody laughing... Not broadcast] London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

DIY Costume Drama

It's time for a bit of acting now, as the teams present their DIY Costume Drama. Our TV schedules are currently awash with classic adaptations, including Daniel Daronda from the book by George Elliot, who's one of my personal favourites. I've made a lifelong study of Elliot's work, and in my opinion, there's no writer to match him. Thackeray's another writer whose work has been plundered for television, although I have to say I was sorely disappointed by the BBC adaptation of Vanity Fair: What were they thinking? They completely missed out the problem page, and where were the handy make-up hints?... Sadler's Wells
16 Dec 2002
It's time for a bit of acting now, as the teams present their DIY Costume Drama. Our TV schedules are currently awash with classic adaptations, including Daniel Daronda from the book by George Elliot, who's one of my personal favourites. I've made a lifelong study of Elliot's work, and in my opinion, there's no writer to match him. Thackeray's another writer whose work has been plundered for television, although I have to say I was sorely disappointed by the BBC adaptation of Vanity Fair: What were they thinking? They completely missed out the problem page, and where were the handy make-up hints?... ISIHAC 8, Side 1
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

DIY Detective Drama

As TV detective dramas are all the rage these days, the teams' next challenge is to improvise their own. One very popular recent series was Life On Mars, where the lead character slipped into a coma and woke up to find himself in 1973. Hmmm...welcome to my world... Surely the finest TV detective of them all was Morse, who would famously never let anyone know his first name. It was later revealed to be Mickey.

(before the DIY Detective Drama round)
Halifax
19 Jun 2006
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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DIY Sci-Fi Drama

In the next game, the teams are going to construct their own science-fiction drama. Now, [ Tim Brooke-Taylor might be at something of a disadvantage if he needs to replicate time and space travel, as he got lost driving here today. To be fair, Tim decided his road atlas might be a little out of date. How was he to know you can't get off the dual carriageway between Aquae Sulis and Verulanum. However, Not broadcast] Barry Cryer is well versed in science-fiction, and played a small role in Planet Of The Apes. In preparation, Barry spent many hours with the prosthetics experts having a huge floppy purple backside...expertly disguised

(before the DIY Sci-Fi Drama round)
Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
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DIY Soap

The next round is called DIY Soap, and in it the teams will construct their own soap opera. There's an interesting trend with the soaps these days, in that they seem to have become a rest home for ageing, faded performers to make the occasional stumbling cameo appearance - and that's not the only thing that makes the teams ideal for this round - in fact our own Barry Cryer recently auditioned for a part in EastEnders. Sadly, he was unable to take the job due to an injury. The very night before his first shoot, just as he was leaving the bar, some clumsy fool trod on his hand... Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Our next round is all about those staples of the TV schedules - Soap Operas. It's quite amazing how our daily lives have changed since the introduction of television. I recall back in the early 50's how we sat looking at this strange wooden box in the corner, peering at a fuzzy grey face by way of an evening's entertainment. But then, TV arrived...so we put the lid back on granny's coffin and took her down to the cemetery...

(before the DIY Soap round)
Malvern
18 Nov 2002
Right, we have another of our regular sound effects rounds now. In DIY Soap, I'd like you, teams, to construct your own soap opera using sampler machines, and this week's genre is the Hospital Based Drama. My personal favourites are Casualty and Holby City, and only this week I ordered the complete DVD boxed set. I love the gritty realism, and was delighted to find there was a nine month waiting list... Listeners may be interested to learn that Graeme and Tim have written and produced their own hospital soap called Maternity Ward. Tim's been pushing the BBC to screen it, while Graeme's been telling him to push harder... Buxton
09 Jun 2003
Our next round is all about those staples of the TV schedules - Soap Operas. It's quite amazing how our daily lives have changed since the introduction of television. I recall back in the early 50's how we sat looking at this strange wooden box in the corner, peering at a fuzzy grey face by way of an evening's entertainment. But then, TV arrived...so we put the lid back on granny's coffin and took her down to the cemetery...

(before the DIY Soap round)
ISIHAC 7, Side 3
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Dragon's Den

Our next game is a tribute to the TV series called Dragon's Den, in which hopeful inventors and entrepreneurs present their ideas to a panel of potential investors. The show provides top-class entertainment making venture capital investment interesting to the layman through the winning combination of ritual humiliation and verbal abuse. Actually, it seems a lot of TV relies on people being abusive to each other these days. Big Brother is virtually nothing else, and those inmates don't even know the derivation of the term 'Big Brother'. They think Orwell is a big green furry duck. Ignorant fools - he's actually turquoise... Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
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Dropping Things

Let's revive a truly classic game now, called Dropping Things. This is where the teams are blindfolded and have to identify things being dropped...this show, with any luck... Coventry
27 Nov 2000
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Dumbing And Dumber

We move on to a new round now called Dumbing & Dumber. It's come to my attention, teams, that TV schedulers these days appear to be competing to achieve the lowest possible common denominator. Coincidentally, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor appeared recently on Wife Swop, and we were all amused to see he had no idea how to operate the microwave...perhaps he should have swopped her for something less complicated... Leeds
22 Dec 2003
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Dumbing Up

[ Our first round is called Dumbing Up. This is intended to reverse the trend of reducing the standard of broadcasting to the lowest common denominator. Gone are the days of truly great polemical TV series dealing with socio-economic internationalism, such as A.J.P. Taylor's 'Europe In The 20th Century', Jacob Bronowski's 'Ascent Of Man', and Barry Evans' 'Mind Your Language'... Not broadcast] Bradford Session 1
Now you'll all be aware of the appalling trend of 'dumbing down' that has recently blighted so much television and radio broadcasting. Even the BBC has accepted something has to be done, and this was covered in a keynote speech by the new director general Mr. Keith Chegwin. There'll be lots of new faces on many new committees, and our own Samantha has been invited to sit on several of them...

(before the Dumbing Up round)
York
08 Nov 1999
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Election Interviews

The entire nation has been gripped by Election Fever ever since Mr. Blair decided to go to the country...and found it was still shut. We have something of an exclusive now, with the teams putting their questions to those who hope to be our next Prime Minister. Broadcasting rules dictate that during an election campaign, we have to give equal air-time to each possible contender, so this will be divided into three sections - the Labour interview, the Conservative interview...and Tea & Biscuits. Actually, that's a little harsh on Charles Kennedy who's speeches remind us of the powers of fine oratory displayed by that other famous Kennedy...Nigel...

(before the Election Interviews round)
Reading
28 May 2001
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Estate Agents

Let's move swiftly on[ , because, you know, I'm a bit worried about the Scottish Widow. They keep wheeling her out on TV to show her smiling bravely as she tries to survive on her late husband's pension, flitting about Hampton Court Maze dressed up like the Angel of Death. I see she's now reduced to moonlighting abroad, flogging houses on 'A Place In The Sun'. The poor woman's forced to drive retired couples from Barnsley half way up a Spanish mountain to show them some converted cockroach farm or wasp sanctuary which they clearly have no intention of buying Not broadcast]. House buying is all the rage on television these days, and never ones to miss a trend, the teams are now going to bring it to radio. In the round, the teams will take it in turns to be estate agents, like Phil and Kirsty off the telly [ (wishful thinking again)...Not broadcast]

(before the Estate Agents round)
Ipswich
30 May 2005
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Euro Scrabble

Now, as our links with Europe grow ever closer, teams, many aspects of our lives are being modified to suit E.C. regulations, and the most recent to get the Brussels treatment are our favourite board games. As an example, the new Euro-Standard chess sets have to include a French King which has had the head cut off; the Italian Bishop can now only mate with the Queen; while the German Pawn has to wear a beard, flared trousers, and have an 18 certificate. So we may as well get used to Europeanisation teams, and to get ahead of the game, we'll play a round of Euro Scrabble. This is exactly the same as the English language version...except for the language... Coventry
04 Dec 2000
It's now time for a round of Euro Scrabble. As we move ever closer to European unity, many British games have been adapted to suit our new partners. In Madrid, they're playing Spanish Cluedo, the winner being the first to guess whether it was Colonal Mustard in the drawing room with the candlestick, or General Pinochet in the basement with the cattle prod; and for Brussels, Shove Ha'Penny is revived as Shove Euro, a simple pleasure involving telling them where to put their new currency... Plymouth
14 Jun 1999
Now, as our links with Europe grow ever closer, teams, many aspects of our lives are being modified to suit E.C. regulations, and the most recent to get the Brussels treatment are our favourite board games. As an example, the new Euro-Standard chess sets have to include a French King which has had the head cut off; the Italian Bishop can now only mate with the Queen; while the German Pawn has to wear a beard, flared trousers, and have an 18 certificate. So we may as well get used to Europeanisation teams, and to get ahead of the game, we'll play a round of Euro Scrabble. This is exactly the same as the English language version...except for the language... ISIHAC 8, Side 3
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Euro TV and Radio Guide

As we all know, Britain and Europe are moving inexorably closer together...but we couldn't think of a game based on plate techtonics...

(before the Euro TV & Radio Guide round)
Windsor
04 May 1998
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Famous First Words

Let's start with some Famous First Words. The last words spoken by the famous are often recorded for posterity, but rarely their first. This is probably because no-one knows whether a tiny baby is going to achieve fame in later life. Who could possibly have guessed at his birth that the infant Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor of Saxe-Coburg Goethe would grow up to be an adulterous fox murderer...and if the receptionist at The Tower Of London is listening, can I have a room overlooking the moat... Torquay
30 Jun 2003
Let's start with round one this week which, appropriately enough, is called Famous First Words. Teams, I'd like you please to fill in some historical gaps by suggesting the first words of people either still with us, or appearing on the National Lottery Big Ticket... Leeds
11 May 1998
Our first round is Famous First Words. I shall ask our teams to suggest the first words of some famous people...or Gyles Brandreth 11 Feb 1989
Our first round is Famous First Words. I shall ask our teams to suggest the first words of some famous people...or Gyles Brandreth 22 Jan 1990
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Fat Quotes

We kick off with a new game which I'm told is going to be rivetting, but as the teams are hopeless at metalwork, let's try something else.

(before the Fat Quotes round)
Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
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Film Club

Well, I notice it's very nearly the end of the show, but there's just time to fit in a round of Babies' Film Club. Incidentally, Tim Brooke-Taylor was telling us earlier that he's been doing a spot of babysitting recently, and Tim explained that last week he was trying to burp his new grandson over his shoulder when he suddenly wet himself in a huge shower that went everywhere. Never mind Tim, it comes to all of us with age... Torquay
23 Jun 2003
Well ladies & gentlemen, all good things must come to an end, and so we carry on with a round of Builders' Film Club... Halifax
26 Jun 2006
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Folklore

As the teams travel the length and breadth of the Country, they always take a keen interest in local culture and heritage. For example, Sandi has a special interest in regional dialect. One expression she's picked up here is 'Fow Staith'...in fact the dentist said her 'fow staith' should be repaired by next week; Barry is happiest seeking out the local stained glass...he really will drink out of anything these days; Jeremy is an expert on instruments of torture...as indeed is Colin Sell; while Tim spends many hours in the local museum of historical costume...perhaps if he moved about a bit more, he wouldn't keep getting locked in...

(before the Staffordshire Folklore round)
Stoke-on-Trent
12 Jun 2000
As we have Tony Hawks with us today, the teams thought it would be a terrible missed opportunity not to play one round geared toward his special talent...and they were right - it was...

(before the Folklore round)
Plymouth
14 Jun 1999
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Gambling

It's a wonderful place England. Only this spring I was out in the early morning when I spotted a group of young lambs gambolling together and I thought: "How marvellous they can afford the membership of Crockfords." I'm not a member by the way, but I get in as Samantha is a part-time croupier there. She says there's nothing more satisfying than when happy guests shell out cash to play Black Jack all evening and Poker all night...

(before the Gambling round)
Nottingham
28 Jun 1999
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Gardeners Question Time

The next round is called Gardener's Question Time, so you're welcome to join us today in the potting shed, where our team, comprising Tim Brooke-Taylor of Buston, Graeme Garden of England, and Jeremy Hardy of course, are on a light Sandi Toksvig and ready to take phone-in gardener's questions... York
08 Nov 1999
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GCSE Exam

We move on now with a look at today's schools exam system, as there's evidence that standards are falling everywhere, even here at the BBC. In my day, every broadcaster had to pass a rigourous test in Reading...sorry, in reading. Not only are exams easier, but anyone who does fail now has the automatic right of appeal. I myself am considering an appeal against the LCC Board for failing me at mathematics matriculation in 1942...Gosh was that just 35 years ago? And I'm told that exams in English are so much easier now that plural words may be used in the singular, split infinitives are acceptable, and some examiners even tolerate smelling pistakes...

(before the GCSE Exam round)
South Bank
19 Jun 2000
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Ghost Stories

[ Our next round is all about Ghost Stories, and to get us in the mood, we earlier held a seance to try to contact Barry Cryer's agent. Actually, we're not sure if he's even dead. Barry says he hasn't answered the phone for some years - in fact, ever since BT Caller Display became available. Now, Tim might be at something of an advantage when it comes to telling ghost stories, as he thinks his house might be haunted. He says that he's sometimes woken by the ghostly apparition of a woman in black, whose face is pulled into a fearsome rictus. Her translucent skin stretched so taught to her skull that it hardly moves as she shrieks in wailing moans. We keep telling him not to fall asleep in front of 'The Weakest Link'... Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Good Morning Radio

It's now time to say 'Good Morning Radio', with the teams' wireless version of those morning television chat and lifestyle programmes. The undisputed king and queen of the genre were Richard & Judy, but their morning show was recently transferred to a Channel 4 afternoon slot, where ratings have suffered, but to be fair, they're scheduled against the BBC test card. Also these days, Richard seems to be partnered by Dougal in a dress... Bradford
20 May 2002
The next round is entitled Good Morning Radio. It's a game subtlely adapted from morning television by adding the word 'radio', and changed beyond all recognition by adding the word 'good'... Best Of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
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Good News, Bad News

The next round is a revival of a round the teams played back in the seventies...wait a minute, I wonder if that should read back in their seventies. Never mind, it amounts to the same thing, It's a game called Good News, Bad News. They say that every cloud has a silver lining, which much be a bit alarming for airline pilots... 30th Anniversary Show
13 Apr 2002
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Grand National Theatre

We move on to an interesting game now, combining the thespian art of theatrical drama with the heady excitement of steeplechase racing - it's called Grand National Theatre. Remember teams, we don't want a repeat of that unfortunate incident the last time we combined acting with horse racing. After someone told Barry Cryer to 'Break a leg', we had to take him out and have him shot. Luckily the bullet hit Barry's wallet...and missed his heart by eight miles... South Bank
19 Jun 2000
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Grand Opera

Now we move on to a round which is, I'm told, extremely popular with listeners to Radios 1, 2 and 3, and this is a musical round, and I'm going to ask you to sing a snatch of Grand Opera from a selected passage, accompanied by Colin Sell at the piano... Paris Theatre
26 Aug 1975
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Greetings Cards

The teams are now going to play a game based on Greetings Card Messages. At first sight, this may seem rather a thin premise, but never forget that from tiny acorns...mighty sycamores grow. Greenwich
13 Dec 1999
We now move on to a round that takes a look at the world of Greetings Cards. Browsing in W.H.Smiths recently, I noticed there are now cards for every occasion. Congratulations on getting married, After the arrival of a new baby, You've passed your cycling proficiency test, On the occasion of your 95th birthday - well, you deserve a card if you've had a day like that... Brighton
05 Dec 2005
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Guess The Painting

[ We delve now into the world of fine art, with a game called Guess The Painting. It never ceases to amaze me what lengths the classical artists went to. For example, the 16th century Dutch master Hieronymus Bosch actually used a magnifying glass to paint the nightmare of tiny humans in a demonic world...to promote his range of power tools. This round could have been tailor-made for our special guest Jeremy Hardy who is a passionate expert in the works of Donatello and Raphael - by far his favourite mutant ninja turtles... Not broadcast] Ipswich
30 May 2005
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Handy Hints

We come now to our Handy Hints spot, when the teams attempt to answer common household problems submitted by our listeners. But first, following one or two queries from confused listeners, I have to provide corrections & clarifications to some of the answers supplied in the last edition. Whacking with a bolster chisel and mallet is the best way to remove tiles; and Mrs. Harris, the item of your husband's that you can scrub clean with a nail brush and Windowlene, should have been his pair of spectacles... Brighton
03 Dec 2001
We come now to our Handy Hints spot, when the teams attempt to answer common household problems submitted by our listeners. But first we have to make a few corrections & clarifications to the answers supplied in the last edition of Handy Hints. When we said that a pair of sugar tongs may be used to pull fur balls from a cat, we should have pointed out that these are in the cat's throat, [ having recommended that bats be oiled in the winter to prevent them cracking, we have to apologise to the Suffolk listener who's been prosecuted for mistreating a loft full of pippistrels, Not broadcast] and it's the problem of husbands' wrinkly socks that's easily cured with a steam iron... Wolverhampton
12 Nov 2001
Our next round takes us back to the England of the genteel pre-war era. The time when country gentlemen drove in Lagondas to watch cricket on the village green, and maiden aunts sat in Lloyd Loom garden chairs embroidering 'Home Sweet Home' onto linen doilies, while black-shirted Fascists beat seven kinds of snot out of anyone foreign looking. The teams are going to grapple with some pre-war handy hints which would have proved useful to the housewife in the years up to 1939; hints such as 'whether Poland is a good place for an early autumn break' or 'how to get powdered egg stains off a V1 doodlebug'...

(before the Handy Hints round)
Darlington
02 Jun 2003
Now we come to another of our ever useful Handy Hint rounds. This week the teams will be addressing handy hints from Americans. As we'll be hearing a lot of Americanisms, I'd better explain some English equivalents, as misunderstandings can occur. For example, Americans call trousers 'pants', while braces are called 'suspenders'. At a recent American Embassy dinner, the invitations stated the dress code was 'pants and suspenders', so one can imagine everyones surprise when Barry Cryer turned up in frilly knickers and fishnet stockings...as they'd never actually heard of him, and certainly never sent him an invitation... Torquay
30 Jun 2003
We come now to our Handy Hints spot, when the teams attempt to answer common household problems submitted by our listeners. But first, following one or two queries from confused listeners, I have to provide corrections & clarifications to some of the answers supplied in the last edition. Whacking with a bolster chisel and mallet is the best way to remove tiles; and Mrs. Harris, the item of your husband's that you can scrub clean with a nail brush and Windowlene, should have been his pair of spectacles... ISIHAC 7, Side 2
Now the teams are going to offer some useful household advice, in our Handy Hints round. [ I just hope they can direct me to the Temazepam... This round takes us back to pre-{???unreadable} days, when housewives dutifully tended the family home, wrestling with such simple problems as the margarine ration, powdered egg recipes, and choosing a knitting pattern {???unreadable} bomb-shelter, in case the people {???unreadable}. Not broadcast] One knotty problem I know the teams have been wrestling with is that of future hair loss. Well, the answer is that you have to look to your grandfathers to see whether you'll go bald. Luckily for me, both of mine had full heads of hair...when they died aged 17 in the trenches... London Palladium
21 Nov 2005
OK, I see it's again time for the Handy Hints section of the show, where the teams attempt to answer queries posed by our listeners, but first we have to clarify some confusion which arose from our explanation about how to discipline your children's untrained puppy. When we said you should pick the puppy up, take it around the house, and say "No!" at each location, before carefully putting it down on an old newspaper, a surprising number of listeners thought we meant shoot it through the head. To compensate, we're issuing free copies of our Handy Hints leaflet entitled 'Fifty ways to remove animal blood from curtains, carpets and soft furnishings'... Bristol
29 May 2006
I see it's the Handy Hints, section of the show next, but first we need to correct a slight misunderstanding that crept in the last time we did this. We have to apologise to all those listeners who were visited by the R.S.P.C.A., after we said that moles can be scared out of your garden by sticking wine bottles in their holes. We of course meant the holes they made in the lawn. [ We also have to thank the Hampshire listener for his advice on inserting a Champagne bottle just before the cork pops; a method he found particularly effective... Not broadcast] Halifax
26 Jun 2006
We arrive now at our Handy Household Hints section, but first we must correct a few mistakes that crept in to answers provided on our web site message board. When we advised readers to spray their beds during dry summer months, we meant from the garden tap, not from the top of the wardrobe, [ and in the item that explained how to train a German shepherd by hitting him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper to stop him doing his business in a gravel bed or a path, we were referring to a dog. {???unreadable} Schmitt, {???unreadable} North Yorkshire {???unreadable} and should be released soon... Not broadcast] Croydon
19 Nov 2007
It's time now for our regular Public Information section, with Any Answers. This is just the kind of public service broadcasting we should expect of this channel. You know, Radio 4 is very much part of my daily routine. This morning, I woke up, turned on the Today programme, had a shave, listened to James Naughtie ask a question, had another shave... By the way, when I said this was called Any Answers, it shouldn't be confused with the Radio 4 phone-in programme of the same name which follows Any Questions, and provides a free and open forum to air a wide range of bigotry... Manchester
03 Dec 2007
[ We move on to a Really Useful Quiz. This isn't like all those other general knowledge quizzes where people learn useless bits of information to be repeated like parrots, which are, as it happen, the seventh most popular pet on Leicestershire. This quiz is all about saving money. Now I notice, by the way, that Radio 4's Money Box programme has published its own guide to managing personal finances on a budget. It's called 'The Money Diet', and it's currently available on Amazon for £6.99...so there's £6.99 you've all saved for a kick off... Not broadcast] Haymarket Session 2
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Hard Sell

Our next game is called Hard Sell, and is all about devising new adverts. Even the most unlikely products need selling, and creating sales campaigns for these can be quite a challenge - we all remember the calomine lotion aimed at sufferers of embarrassing rashes which encouraged sales with the slogan to: 'Kiss goodbye to sore bottoms'... Leicester
03 Jun 2002
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Health And Safety Advisors

[ Next up is a public information game. Health & safety considerations seem to rule every occupation and pastime these days, and I see they're even going to put health warnings on drinks in pubs. Barry Cryer was surprised by this, as he's convinced that drinking one pint of beer every day is good for the liver and helps prevent ageing. If only he had 29 livers, he'd be {???unreadable}. In fact, all sorts of goods are now labelled with their contents. I notice they even list the exact contents on a tin of Pedigree Chum now. So that's what's in it. No wonder it tastes so awful. I ended up giving it to the dog...

(before the Health & Safety Advisors round)
Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
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Historical Headlines

Let's start with Historical Headlines, where we take a fond look back at those days of yore. Before the advent of newspapers, teams, many varied methods of diseminating news were employed. For example, important messages were sent attached to arrows by the African pigmy tribes in the high grass plains. The most common by far was: "Where the hell are we?"... High Wycombe
18 Dec 2000
Let's kick off wth a round of Historical Headlines. In the ancient world, teams, before the advent of daily newspapers, or indeed written language itself, news of major events was carved on stone tablets in the form of heiroglyphs, although if there was ever any news not concerning a bird, a cat, a big eye, and a man in a skirt and whimple doing an impression of a teapot, the Egyptians certainly never reported it... Stoke-on-Trent
12 Jun 2000
Round one this week is Historical Headlines, where the teams suggest how our newspapers might have described certain ancient events. This shouldn't be confused with the popular game called 'Historical Nedlines', where players listen to a lengthy series of showbiz anecdotes from Ned Sherrin, the winner being the first to spot a living heterosexual... Guildford
24 May 1999
Our first game this week is called Historical Headlines. This shouldn't be confused with a game called 'Historical Headlights' which involves the teams scraping the dead flies off their car headlights, the winner being the one who finds the squashed bluebottle with a face most like Queen Victoria... Birmingham
04 Jan 1999
OK, let's kick off with an old favourite called Historical Headlines - an old favourite maybe, but it never quite seems to match the popularity of the round called Stuff This. Let's Just Go Home... Darlington
26 May 2003
OK teams, the first round is called Historical Headlines, and looks at how past events might have been reported by our modern media. Long ago, before printing or television, there were no journalists to relay news from far away countries with difficult foreign names. In those days, you couldn't just switch on and watch while Carol Barnes got her tongue around some unusual places for you... Glasgow
07 Dec 1998
We'll start with a round called Historical Headlines. Reporting the news in the olden days was a difficult business. In medieval times, they'd employ an old man to stand in the town square, shouting at passers by; and there's an interesting connection with our own Barry Cryer. Apparently, Barry's first ancestor would roam the streets of medieval England wearing a red coat with a funny hat and a little bell. In fact, if the family hadn't changed it, to this day Barry would still bear the surname "Noddy"... Leeds
18 May 1998
Our first round is entitled Shakespearean Headlines. In days of yore, teams, long before the invention of newspapers, events of great importance were recorded in tapestries hung in our national buildings to be inspected by the public, and then taken down on Fridays to wrap around their fish & chips... Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
Our first round is entitled Shakespearean Headlines. In days of yore, teams, long before the invention of newspapers, events of great importance were recorded in tapestries hung in our national buildings to be inspected by the public, and then taken down on Fridays to wrap around their fish & chips... Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
Our first round is entitled Historical Headlines. It may be of interest to some listeners to know that there were, in fact, several newspapers in existence at the time of that first Christmas 2000 years ago. In comparison with today's newspapers, these were primitive, ill-written documents, so pretty much the same, really... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
Let's start with Historical Headlines, where we take a fond look back at those days of yore. Before the advent of newspapers, teams, many varied methods of diseminating news were employed. For example, important messages were sent attached to arrows by the African pigmy tribes in the high grass plains. The most common by far was: "Where the hell are we?"... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
23 Jun 2008
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Historical Postcards

Our first round takes as its subject eye-witness messages from certain famous historical events. Without them we'd have been left ignorant of many of the shifting frontiers of human knowledge. For example, it's thanks only to a few lines on a postcard that we know precisely how Admiral Horatio Wellington was inspired to invent the steam telegraph when he observed a sandwich falling from a tree...at which point he jumped out of the bath shouting "Ulrika!"...

(before the Historical Postcards round)
Plymouth
14 Jun 1999
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Hitchhikers

Now, as we drive around the highways of Britain, we've all spotted those slightly ragged individuals standing at the side of the road holding up place names. Possibly as a result of the minimum wage, many local authorities are now replacing these people with metal posts and yet another traditional skill is lost. This will leave only the hardy hitch-hiker to raise a cheery thumb...followed swiftly by two adjoining fingers as the anticipated free lift speeds off into the distance. Motorists should be warned that unscrupulous hitch-hikers have taken to conning unsuspecting motorists by positioning an attractive young woman on the kerbside. Oyr own Barry Cryer, in an act of selfless generosity, stopped to help over a dozen in less than a hundred yards on one night in just these circumstances...according to his solicitor...

(before the Hitch-Hikers round)
Guildford
24 May 1999
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Honours

OK, we start with a new round about the Honours system, and this round does exactly what it says on the tin: May cause drowsiness... [ Being elevated to the Peerage is no easy matter, requiring a lifetime of tireless work devoted to raising the public spirit, along with a million pound bung to whichever party is in office Not broadcast] Rhyl
20 Jun 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Horoscopes

We now delve into the world of astrology - the prediction of future events and personal traits by the juxtaposition of celestial phenomena. Personally, I'm a Sagittarus, which makes me prone to hopeless, misplaced optimism. I have a feeling this round's going to be a humdinger! I understand Tim was born under the sign of Libra the scales, Andy: Leo the lion and Graeme: Pisces the fishes, while Barry Cryer is on the cusp - his daily life being ruled alternately by the signs of the goat, the bull, the white hart, the green man and the nags head...

(before the Historical Horoscopes round)
Bristol
10 Dec 2001
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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How Do They Do That?

Anybody who regularly enjoys How Do They Do That? is in for a real treat now, and no mistake. We have our version of the popular TV program which is hosted by Eammon Holmes - generally regarded as the TV world's...Eammon Holmes

(before the How Do They Do That? round)
Birmingham
04 Jan 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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How Wrong Can You Get?

OK, the first round is called How Wrong Can You Get? This was suggested to us by the BBC Long Term Planning Unit set up by Greg Dyke... Dartford
31 May 2004
OK, we start the show with a round about quotations from historical figures who, on certain occasions, seriously misjudged the course of subsequent events. This is going to be one of the most entertaining games we've ever played. Humphrey Lyttelton, November 2007...

(before the How Wrong Can You Get? round)
Manchester
26 Nov 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Human Voice Box

OK teams, why not play a game involving Sound Effects? One of many thousands of good reasons, the best must be that we haven't got any with us, which is a shame, as sound effects are one of the most useful devices to conjure up a sound picture in the ear of the listener. In fact BBC sound effects aren't always what they seem - the noise of a film projector is actually an old sewing machine, the sound of the sea lapping against the shore is made by rolling ball bearings on a tin tray, and when we hear what sounds like a bath being filled, it's actually Barry Cryer pouring out his lunch...

(before the Human Voice Box round)
Leicester
03 Jun 2002
Our next game is entitled Human Voice Box, and it's all about sound effects. The radio sound effects has the power to create a theatre of the mind, conjuring vivid mental pictures. For example, if the listeners hear an owl hoot, they know it's a tranquil night scene...either that or an impatient owl driving a car. And if they hear "Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack", they know it's Jonathan Ross describing his crazy paving... Brighton
26 Nov 2001
Our next game is entitled Human Voice Box, and it's all about sound effects. The radio sound effects has the power to create a theatre of the mind, conjuring vivid mental pictures. For example, if the listeners hear an owl hoot, they know it's a tranquil night scene...either that or an impatient owl driving a car. And if they hear "Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack", they know it's Jonathan Ross describing his crazy paving... ISIHAC 7, Side 2
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Hunt The Ring

We're now going to try an old favourite of mine called Hunt The Ring. This is a game we played as children when a senior member of the family would remove a ring from his or her finger - we were never that sure about Great Uncle Alice. The ring was then threaded onto a piece of string which was tied to form a loop. As the excitement and tension mounted even further, the string, complete with ring attached remember, would be handed to us. We would then secretly pass the ring between us, while the senior relative counted silently to one hundred with eyes closed. The object was then to guess which player was concealing the ring with their hand or, if there was only one player, then which hand, although in all honesty that was never much of a challenge with cousin Nelson... Darlington
26 May 2003
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Hunt The Slipper

Right, we're going to have a bit of good old-fashioned fun now with a marvellous game called Hunt The Slipper. Actually, the last time we did this, the teams got rather over-excited as they thought they were going to play 'Hunt The Stripper'. The man who was in to take the paint off our door frames got quite agitated as well... Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
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I'm A Celebrity - Let Me In!

The next game is called I'm A Celebrity - Let Me In!. It's just like I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here!, but with the neat reversal of being about celebrities. I understand that these types of programme are what are known in the business as 'Reality TV'. Well, if being trapped in a tropical swamp with Anthony Warrel-Thompson and Christine Hamilton is reality, then I say "Pass the mind altering drugs." The leading player in the genre is, of course, Big Brother, the show that took its name from Orwell's 1984. Orwell went on to write The Road To Wigan Pier, but only achieved his greatest acclaim after teaming up in a double act with Keith Harris... Torquay
23 Jun 2003
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I'm Sorry I Haven't A Chance

Glancing through my TV listings magazine the other day, I was pleased to notice a late night programme called 'ITV Play', and anticipated a cultural experience with an hour or two of Pinter or Ayckbourn. You can imagine my surprise on tuning in to find a pair of chavs asking me to phone up to guess how many sides there are on a triangle. And now, the BBC are at it. Well, as a long time supporter of public service broadcasting, I'll tell them where they can stick their ill-gained profits...straight in my top pocket, as soon as we've finished this week's I'm Sorry I Haven't A Chance Premium Rate Phone Quiz. I have a selection of easy questions, which I'll invite members of the public to phone in and answer. Each call will cost no more than 10p, unless you're using a landline or a mobile, in which case call it a fiver. As this form of competition can become a problem for anyone prone to addiction, such as the gullible and greedy, who stand to lose thousands each day, we've limited the number of calls that can be made...by every one else. London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Ill Advised Introductions

Let's start with a round of Ill Advised Introductions. This is where the teams suggest opening lines, which if addressed to a certain well-known individual or organization, would be guaranteed to end all future dialog. [ An obvious example would be: "Welcome to Jamaica, Mr. Atkinson." Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Incomplete Bush Quotes

Our next round is dedicated to the U.S. President. George W. Bush is the elected leader of the world's only superpower, controller of the world's most influential economic infrastructure, and supreme commander of the largest nuclear weapons equipped military force on the planet. You couldn't make it up, could you?! But then, according to a Gallup poll, 3.7 million of the American electorate believe they've been abducted and interrogated by aliens, presumably with the question "What were you thinking?" Teams, I've brought along a selection of incomplete quotations from speeches made by President Bush, [ who I'd like you to finish off...oh, sorry, I'll read that again...quotations from speeches made by President Bush, Not broadcast] which I'd like you to finish off

(before the Incomplete Bush Quotes round)
Ipswich
06 Jun 2005
Our next round is dedicated to the U.S. President. George W. Bush is the elected leader of the world's only superpower, controller of the world's most influential economic infrastructure, and supreme commander of the largest nuclear weapons equipped military force on the planet. You couldn't make it up, could you?! But then, according to a Gallup poll, 3.7 million of the American electorate believe they've been abducted and interrogated by aliens, presumably with the question "What were you thinking?" Teams, I've brought along a selection of incomplete quotations from speeches made by President Bush, which I'd like you to finish off

(before the Incomplete Bush Quotes round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 4
Our next round is dedicated to the U.S. President. George W. Bush is the elected leader of the world's only superpower, controller of the world's most influential economic infrastructure, and supreme commander of the largest nuclear weapons equipped military force on the planet. You couldn't make it up, could you?! But then, according to a Gallup poll, 3.7 million of the American electorate believe they've been abducted and interrogated by aliens, presumably with the question "What were you thinking?" Teams, I've brought along a selection of incomplete quotations from speeches made by President Bush, which I'd like you to finish off

(before the Incomplete Bush Quotes round)
ISIHAC Classic Repeat
07 Jul 2008
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Initial Response

[ OK, we move on to a new game now called Initial Response, in which the players must answers questions with words beginning only with their initials. Traditionally, of course, we were all named after the day on which we were born, so for example, if you were born on St Cuthbert's Day, you'd be given his name, which has been a source of constant irritation for Cuthbert Garden, Graeme's daughter, although not as much as to her younger brother, Pancake Tuesday Garden... Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
There's an old showbiz saying that if you can conquer the London stage, you can conquer the entire world. We are now in Sunderland. As the teams arrived at Sunderland railway station, the scene was like Beatlemania. The four of them leapt from the train and sprinted like fury to the exit, pursued by a screaming mob. Luckily those ticket inspectors never did catch them. The final show in our 2006 tour was recorded today, Sunday 26th November, at Sunderland's Empire Theatre. The Empire was known as the comedian's graveyard in its heyday, which according to the theatre's historian was the 26th November 2006...
OK, we move on to a new game now called Initial Response, in which the players must answers questions with words beginning only with their initials. Traditionally, of course, we were all named after the day on which we were born, so for example, if you were born on St Cuthbert's Day, you'd be given his name, which has been a source of constant irritation for Cuthbert Garden, Graeme's daughter, although not as much as to her younger brother, Pancake Tuesday Garden...
2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
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Innovations

Right, the next game is called Unoriginal Innovations, a self-contradictory title that was thought up by the BBC New Ideas Department...oh look, there's another one! This was the same organisation that came up with 'The Weakest Link', a programme intended to combine elements of 'Fifteen-to-One', 'Watchdog' and 'Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire'. They took the elimination format from 'Fifteen-to-One', the presenter from 'Watchdog', and the prize money potential from...'Watchdog'. But now I notice since she's made an outburst that upset so many viewers, the BBC are looking for an escort for Anne Robinson...sounds like a fair swap... Sheffield
18 Jun 2001
Our next game is called Unoriginal Innovations, and is inspired by the Innovations catalog. We all get mountains of this junk mail delivered daily, offering page upon page of products of interest only to the weak-willed and gullible. Personally, I remain totally unaffected by them thanks at last, that is, to my handy solar-powered, all-in-one, catalogue shredder and composter... Bournemouth
13 Nov 2000
Our next game is called Unoriginal Innovations, and is inspired by the Innovations catalog. We all get mountains of this junk mail delivered daily, offering page upon page of products of interest only to the weak-willed and gullible. Personally, I remain totally unaffected by them thanks at last, that is, to my handy solar-powered, all-in-one, catalogue shredder and composter... ISIHAC 7, Side 4
The next round is called Innovations, and as the name might imply, it requires the teams to come up with something innovative. By the law of averages, I suppose it had to happen eventually. It's hard to open a newspaper or credit card statement these days and not see one of those small catalogues advertising all manner of apparently useful gadgets. Now, it's come to my attention that these publications are on the lookout for new ideas and have already asked the teams to contribute something completely inventive. So far, all they've produced is a timetable for Network South East and Barry Cryer's tax return... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
16 Jun 2008
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Interviews

We move on to a round based around those magazine interviews that detail a typical day in the lives of certain showbiz celebrities. Thanks to articles such as these, we've recently learnt exactly what it is that Tara Palmer-Tomkinson does on a day off, without ever gaining the remotest insight into exactly what it is she does when she goes to work...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Hastings
24 Jun 2002
Let's move on to a round that's based on those terrific magazine interviews detailing a typical day in the lives of celebrities, [ essential reading for everyone who needs to know what Bob Holness feeds his cat for breakfast Not broadcast] Thanks to these magazines, we've been able to read about how Jonathan Ross's mum got a part in EastEnders, and how Jim Davidson's wife ended up in Casualty. I've brought along a selection of my favourite interviews to give the teams some insight into what it must be like to be a celebrity...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
Bradford
20 May 2002
Let's move on to a round that's based on those terrific magazine interviews detailing a typical day in the lives of celebrities. Thanks to these magazines, we've been able to read about how Jonathan Ross's mum got a part in EastEnders, and how Jim Davidson's wife ended up in Casualty. I've brought along a selection of my favourite interviews to give the teams some insight into what it must be like to be a celebrity...

(before the Celebrity Interviews round)
ISIHAC 8, Side 1
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Jobseekers

We have a round now called Jobseekers, where the teams will be interviewed for occupations to which they are patently unsuited. This mustn't be confused with the round called 'Auditions for Comedy Panel Games'... One team will be interviewers and the other interviewees applying to take up a job which, despite their enthusiasm, they must fail to get. This could be fun, but it's no easy job trying to get laughs out of an unwelcome occupation...as anyone who ever watched Allo Allo will know... Nottingham
28 Jun 1999
The teams and I have visited Yorkshire on several occasions in the past, and this year saw us in the fine city of Leeds. In addition to its industry, the city has a rich cultural heritage and made famous the great comic writing talent of Alan Bennett and our own Barry Cryer...used to know his milkman.

(before the Jobseekers round)
1998 Christmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
My card says "Let's hurry along to our next game". Now, as many of you know, Leeds is one of many provincial destinations to which we've come as part of the BBC's ongoing programme to dispel the myths and stereotypes about regional Britain. Which brings us to our next game - Eh op Mother, if t'whippet's in t' bath, where's t'coal?, or to give it its English title - Jobseekers... Leeds
11 May 1998
[ The next round is called Jobseekers, and it's all about interviews for jobs. This was suggested by our own Tim Brooke-Taylor, who's tried a variety of careers. He says the idea came to him one day when he was in his car. As Tim switched off the engine, opened the driver's door, undid his seat belt and fell out of the tree, he decided that perhaps he didn't have the makings of the best minicab driver. If the Thompson family of Lewisham are wondering where their 86 year old granny is, Tim says you're looking for an 'H' reg Mondeo, he thinks it was an oak, and would you please hurry as she still owes him £3-70. Not broadcast] Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Join The Dots

OK, the next game is called Join The Dots. Each player is provided with a sheet of paper on which are printed a series of numbered dots. These have to be joined together in the correct order to complete a lifelike image of, say, the Mona Lisa. I say lifelike, but obviously the original doesn't have a series of numbers printed on it. Leonardo da Vinci was a terrific artist - he'd have painted over them.... Darlington
26 May 2003
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Jokes

It's time to lighten the mood a little. I've recently been informed that much of what passes for popular entertainment these days merely trades on an insatiable interest in disasters heaped upon humanity: Titanic; the Charge Of The Light Brigade; the Hindenberg Disaster; the Deirdre Barlow trial; the new Radio 4 schedule, have all been foisted upon the public, and it's been suggested that in this climate of unrelenting doom, it might be an idea for the teams to tell a few amusing jokes...

(before the Jokes round)
Windsor
04 May 1998
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Just A Minim

The teams are going to sing for us now, so, for music lovers everywhere, a full apology follows afterwards. This round is called Just A Minim. This is a musical version of the popular radio show 'Just A Minute' that's been hosted for so long now by Nicholas Parsons, it's difficult to imagine it without him...but it's certainly worth the effort. In our version, one team is required to sing a certain song of my choosing without repetition, duplication, reiteration or thesaurus... Norwich
25 Jun 2001
The teams are going to sing for us now in the round called Just A Minim. This is a musical version of the wireless classic 'Just A Minute' hosted by Nicholas Parsons, who is arguably the wittiest man on radio...though it's not an argument that anyone has ever won... Malvern
18 Nov 2002
We have a musical game now called Just A Minim. This was adapted from the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted in unique style by Nicholas Parsons. Actually, it's extremely difficult to find the right words to describe Nicholas Parsons: talented...erudite...generous...self-effacing... No - still can't do it...

In Just A Minim the teams will attempt to sing well-known songs without hesitation, deviation, Partick Thistle Nil, or repetition. Remember that teams - repetition is an absolute no-no...

Sadler's Wells
16 Dec 2002
The teams are going to sing for us now in the round called Just A Minim. This is a musical version of the wireless classic 'Just A Minute' hosted by Nicholas Parsons, who is arguably the wittiest man on radio...though it's not an argument that anyone has ever won... ISIHAC 7, Side 3
...We have another musical game now, with Just A Minim, which is loosely based on the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', chaired by Nicholas Parsons. You know, when the idea for 'Just A Minute' was first mooted, Nicholas constantly badgered the BBC for the job, as he wanted to host it so badly...well, he certainly succeeded there... Belfast
14 Jun 2004
[ We have a musical round now, with Just A Minim. This is based on the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted in unique style by Nicholas Parsons - a man who doesn't know the meaning of the word 'failure'. How ironic is that?... Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
[ OK, it's time for another musical round now called Just A Minim. This is based on the wireless show 'Just A Minute', which is one of the funniest panel games on the radio. It features some of the funniest comedians saying the funniest things, and it's hosted by Nicholas Parsons. Actually, it's extremely difficult to find the right words to describe him: talented...erudite...generous...self-effacing... No - still can't do it. In Just A Minim, the teams will attempt to sing a well known song without hesitation, deviation, do you want a chocolate flake with that, or repetition. Not broadcast] Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
Now we go on to a musical round called Just A Minim. A team member must sing a song, but can be interrupted at any time if he or she falls foul of repetition, hesitation, deviation or repetition. (These scripts are better than the actual show!) 25 Apr 1989
The teams are going to sing for us now, in the round called Just A Minim, in which the teams attempt to sing well known songs without hesitation, deviation, Boutros Boutros Gali or repetition. This is a musical version of the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', and if you think that's wackily hilarious, well this is really something else. The show is hosted by the incomparable Nicholas Parsons, the reason so many loyal listeners swear by their radios... Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
[ It's time once again for the teams to sing, in the round called Just A Minim. This is a musical adaptation of the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted by Nicholas Parsons, in his unique style - and what a chairman he is. To describe Nicholas Parsons as a wonderful talent doesn't come close...twice... In the original game, the players have to speak for one minute without hesitation, deviation, fluffy toy or repetition. Our's is an interesting version of that, in that the same rules are applied to a song sung to piano accompaniment. Normally, this would be considered a well-nigh impossible task, but it's been made much easier this week simply by giving Colin Sell the day off... Not broadcast]

(before the Just A Minim round)
Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
[ It's time once again for the teams to sing, in the round called Just A Minim. This is a recent adaptation of the long running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted by Nicholas Parsons, in unique style - and what a fine chairman he is. To describe Nicholas Parsons as a wonderful talent doesn't come close...twice. In the original version, the players had to speak for one minute without hesitation, deviation, a fluffy toy, or repetition. Our version of the game is made more difficult by the teams having to sing, and well nigh impossible by the piano playing of Colin Sell... Not broadcast] Oxford
27 Jun 2005
[ The teams are going to sing for us now in the round called Just A Minim. This is a musical version of the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted by chairman Nicholas Parsons, without whom the show wouldn't be half as good. Quite the reverse... The object here is to sing a song without hesitation, deviation, duplication, reiteration or repetition. Not broadcast] London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ OK, the teams are going to sing for us now in the round called Just A Minim, a musical version of the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute'. The original, of course, is hosted by chairman Nicholas Parsons, without whom the show wouldn't be half as good. Quite the reverse. The object here is to sing a song without hesitation, deviation, duplication, reiteration or repetition. Not broadcast] Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
The teams are going to sing for us again now, in the game called Just A Minim. This is a musical adaptation of the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted in unique style by the irrepressible Nicholas Parsons. I never miss him... The object here is to sing a song without hesitation, deviation, duplication, reiteration or repetition, while piano accompaniment is provided by Colin Sell. Bristol
29 May 2006
[ The teams are going to sing for us now, in the musical game called Just A Minim. This is the round in which the teams try to sing a well known song without hesitation, deviation, {???unreadable} or repetition. This is based on the long running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted in unique style for so long by Nicholas Parsons. Right from the very first show, his talent went without saying. I won't say where... Not broadcast] Halifax
19 Jun 2006
[ We come to a musical round now called Just A Minim. This is based on the perennial wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted by the irrepressible Nicholas Parsons, and what would 'Just A Minute' be like without an erudite, quick-witted chairman? Well, tune in soon to find out. In Just A Minim the teams are required to sing a well-known song without hesitation, deviation, due to water main repairs, or repetition. Not broadcast] Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
[ OK, we come to a musical round now, called Just A Minim. This is based on the perennial wireless favourite Just A Minute hosted by the irrepressible Nicholas Parsons. Nicholas takes quite a bit of ribbing on the show. Just because he's been doing it in exactly the same style since 1968 doesn't mean he's become incompetent. Oh no. That's just coincidence... In Just A Minim, the teams' task is to sing a song without hesitation, deviation, repetition or duplication. Not broadcast] Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
[ OK, we come to a musical round now called Just A Minim. This is based on the perennial wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', hosted by the irrepressable Nicholas Parsons. Nicholas takes quite a bit of ribbing on the show. Just because he's been doing it in exactly the same style since 1968. It doesn't mean he's become incompetent. That's just coincidence... Not broadcast] London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
[ It's music time again now, with Just A Minim. This is based on the long-running wireless favourite Just A Minute, hosted by the irrespressable Nicholas Parsons. When the BBC first sought a chairman for that show, they insisted it be in capable hands...and incapable they got... Not broadcast] Croydon
12 Nov 2007
The teams are going to sing for us now, in the round called Just A Minim. This is a musical version of the long-running wireless favourite 'Just A Minute', and if you think that's wackily hilarious, well this is really something else. The show is hosted by the incomparable Nicholas Parsons, the reason so many loyal listeners swear by their radios... ISIHAC 9, Side 1
Our next round is entitled Just A Minim, which of course takes its name from that popular show hosted by Nicholas Parsons - 'Sale Of The Century'. In it, one team member should attempt to sing a song of my choosing without repetition, hesitation, deviation or repetition. A member of the opposing team may challenge by using his buzzer. Do please remember that excessive buzzing is likely to drown out the accompaniment provided by Colin Sell. Another good way is to use a pneumatic drill... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
16 Jun 2008
OK, the teams are going to sings for us again now in a round called Just A Minim. It's a musical tribute to the wireless favourite Just A Minute, hosted by the irrepressible Nicholas Parsons. You know, when the BBC first sought a chairman for that show, they insisted it be in capable hands, and in capable they got... Haymarket
15 Jun 2009
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Karaoke Cokey

It's time now for the audience to do some work. I have to say, I don't normally enjoy performances from a bunch of rank amateurs, so while they take a rest...the audience can have a go instead...

(before the Karaoke Cokey round)
Bristol
17 Dec 2001
It's time now for the audience to do some work. I have to say, I don't normally enjoy performances from a bunch of rank amateurs, so while they take a rest...the audience can have a go instead...

(before the Karaoke Cokey round)
ISIHAC 7, Side 3
Our round is called Karaoke Cokey, and requires audience participation. One of the best-loved national traits of the Welsh is their unfailing ability at community singing, even faced with the worst adversity. In the dark days of the Great War, one recalls how the Welsh Guards in the trenches sang Bread Of Heaven across no-man's-land to intimidate the enemy, who could only respond with a few hundred thousand rounds of Howitzer shells...every day for the next four years... Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Killer First Lines

Our first round is called Killer First Lines, and concerns the type of opening words that are guaranteed to ruin the rest of a performance and cast a terrible sense of doom on the other performers. Probably the best known example is: "Hello. My name's Nicholas Parsons"... Woking
29 May 2000
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Kiss Of Death

We start with a game which I see is called Kiss Of Death. Nice to see some much-needed accuracy creeping in at last. [ The expression 'Kiss Of Death' originated in the underworld of Mafia assassination, The luckless victim would be given a kiss full on the lips by his adversary, before being gunned down if he said 'No tongues'... Not broadcast] Ipswich
06 Jun 2005
We start with a game which I see is called Kiss Of Death. Nice to see some much-needed accuracy entering in at last. ISIHAC 9, Side 4
We start with a game which I see is called Kiss Of Death. Nice to see some much-needed accuracy creeping in at last. ISIHAC Classic Repeat
07 Jul 2008
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Last Episodes

This is a round called Last Episode. For one blissful moment, I thought it was an episode called Last Round... (d?)
02 May 1989
This is a round called Last Episode. For one blissful moment, I thought it was an episode called Last Round... 14 Jan 1989
This is a round called Last Episode. For one blissful moment, I thought it was an episode called Last Round... 15 Jan 1990
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Literary First Lines

...We come now to our literary quiz. The teams are no strangers to the world of books, and I understand that after seven years' hard graft, Graeme Garden has just finished his first novel...but then, he always was a slow reader. An unauthorised biography of Barry Cryer is soon to be published. Entitled 'Barry Cryer - His Life Was A Joke', it relates the roller-coaster of success, fame and fortune enjoyed by the many people he's heard of...

(before the Literary First Lines round)
Salford
28 Jun 2004
...We come now to our literary quiz. The teams are no strangers to the world of books, and I understand that after seven years' hard graft, Graeme Garden has just finished his first novel...but then, he always was a slow reader. An unauthorised biography of Barry Cryer is soon to be published. Entitled 'Barry Cryer - His Life Was A Joke', it relates the roller-coaster of success, fame and fortune enjoyed by the many people he's heard of...

(before the Literary First Lines round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 2
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

Living Art

The next round is called Living Art, and in it the teams are going to share their knowledge of fine art. In fact the teams are surprisingly knowledgeable in the field of art. While recently painting in Ireland, an expert told Jeremy his seascape could easily be mistaken for a Bacon - it was just where the paint had gone streaky in the rain. Tim spends a lot of his time in front of a bowl of fruit filling in his still life...but his agent says things should improve soon. Graeme is an expert on the Cubist school...thanks to his job at the Early Learning Centre, and Barry was telling us he recently attended evening classes where he painted a young lady in the nude - well I say nude - he didn't actually take his socks off... High Wycombe
11 Dec 2000
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

Lonely Hearts

[ OK, let's kick off with our regular Lonely Hearts round. This is especially appropriate as I notice the teams have been browsing the personal columns lately. Sadly to little avail, as every ad seems to specify 'must have GSOH' Not broadcast] Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
Our next round takes a look at the world of Lonely Hearts columns. We think of these as very much a twentieth century invention, but in fact, they've been around since the dawn of history. Archaeologists have even discovered lonely hearts messages in cave paintings at Lascaux. A charging bison meant the suitor was strong willed, a running antelope indicated a young athletic type, and a hyena in flames meant a non-smoker with a good sense of humour... Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
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Lyric Theatre

[ I've just remembered that we've been Fung Shui'd. An expert came in and tried to improve the show by subtly repositioning the teams' chairs. Sadly, the teams noticed, and put them back in front of their microphones. In the next game, the teams will play two-hander dramatic roles, reading from prepared scripts. Barry might struggle here, as he's recently discovered he's dyslexic. However, in this enlightened age, we don't do jokes about dyslexia. They're not clever, and their not furry, so get thee behind me Santa. We're not behind the times on this show, and the whole world knows it, {unreadable???}

(before the Lyric Theatre round)
Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
It's now time for a new round called Lyric Theatre. [ In this round, the teams are going to make use of some old songs with the music removed and the lyrics spoken rather than sung, using the words as a form of conversation. So, you can imagine how bad Plan A was. Not broadcast] By the way, I see that Cliff Richard has been campaigning recently for the extension of performers rights, because he won't get royalties when radio stations play his records from 50 years ago. He shouldn't worry. They're hardly likely to suddenly start now... Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Lyttelton Country

Ah, good, it's now time for a new round called Lyttelton Country. While twiddling my radio knob one afternoon in search of aural gratification, I happened upon the new Radio 4 programme Anderson Country, and was delighted to double its audience figures... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
16 Jun 2008
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Medical Complaints

Our next round takes a look at odd medical conditions. In fact, I understand our own Tim Brooke-Taylor has recently been suffering a very rare tropical disease...frostbite

(before the Medical Complaints round)
Hull
20 Dec 2004
In this next round, the teams will take turns to play the parts of doctors and their patients. The patients will be suffering from an obscure condition which the medical team should try to diagnose. Ironically, Tim has recently contracted an unusual ailment - he went snow blind after flicking through his bookings diary, and coincidentally, Barry recently endured a difficult operation on his knees, but he eventually managed to get his key in the front door...

(before the Medical Complaints round)
Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Misleading Advice

Let's kick off with a round in which the teams supply various pieces of Misleading Advice...and I can tell you, there's no better way to start a fun-packed show such as this...so there are two to be going along with Hastings
17 Jun 2002
OK, our first round is all about totally Misleading Advice, so brace yourselves for non-stop, side-splitting comedy... Coventry
27 Nov 2000
OK, let's get on with the first round, and it's called Misleading Advice, and as might be inferred from that title, it's all about totally false information, so listeners, if it's a large dollop of fun you're after, don't touch that off switch... Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
This next round is all about totally Misleading Advice, and it's well worth waiting for... The teams' task here is to become tour guides for international visitors. With the massive growth in cheap air travel, flying is no longer the preserve of the well-heeled, gentile classes. I saw a rough type on a British Airways flight recently, who'd so overdone the duty free he could hardly stand up. In fact, it's a wonder he could fly the plane at all. What gave it away was when he got on the intercom and announced "This is your best mate speaking". [ Then, when I came to book my return journey on one service, I noticed the caterers were on strike. I had to pay an upgrade to get on that one... Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Missed Hits

Right then, let's start with a game called Missed Hits. It's all very well writers and producers churning out work for public entertainment, but the most important element is the title. For example, the words "Alastair Cooke's Letter From America" are in themselves a guarantee of an enthralling 30 seconds of Stateside news packed into a 15 minute intake of breath... Reading
28 May 2001
Right, let's get on with it then, with a round called Missed Hits. All programme makers need a good title to explain exactly what their show is all about - we only have to hear the words You And Your's to know that we're in for a fascinating 60 minute look at the world of possessive pronouns; The Week In Westminster neatly sums up our elected politicians; and what better title than Test Match Special to describe Indian fast bowlers providing the results of next week's cricket match... High Wycombe
11 Dec 2000
Right then, let's start with a game called Missed Hits. It's all very well writers and producers churning out work for public entertainment, but the most important element is the title. For example, the words "Alastair Cooke's Letter From America" are in themselves a guarantee of an enthralling 30 seconds of Stateside news packed into a 15 minute intake of breath... ISIHAC 7, Side 1
We start with a round that features complete failures...and what they're going to do is let us hear some titles of Missed Hits. The passport to success for any book, film or programme, teams, is a truly great title. One has only to hear the words 'Dixon Of Dock Green' to be transported back to those gentler, more simple days when firm but fair bobbies gave delinquent youths a clip round the ear...as they dragged them screaming to the gallows... Leeds
22 Dec 2003
OK, let's get on with it. I don't want to be here all night. Actually I don't want to be here at all. [ In this game you have to take the rough with the...rubbish. Not broadcast] We start with a round of Missed Hits. Possibly the most important element in selling a show is the title. One prime example is Waking The Dead, or as we know it The continuity announcement straight after Quote, Unquote Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
OK, we start this week with a round of certain failures. Oh well, start as you mean to go on... [ Possibly the most important element in selling a book or a film, is the title. For example, I'm advised by marketing experts that The Da Vinci Code would never have sold by the million had it retained its original working title of A Load Of Badly Written Twaddle. Not broadcast]

(before the Missed Hits round)
Brighton
28 Nov 2005
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Monopoly

The teams are going to play a board game now. Nothing new there, I've been playing a bored game for 31 years, man and boy! Another pastime you particularly enjoyed was Cluedo, the entertaining board game that explores the lighter side of psychopathic serial killing...

(before the Monopoly round)
Buxton
09 Jun 2003
The teams are going to play a board game now. Nothing new there, I've been playing a bored game for 31 years, man and boy!

(before the Monopoly round)
Best of ISIHAC 2003
29 Dec 2003
The next round is based on Monopoly. Our version was specially adapted from the popular board game by way of homage to its brilliant creator. Incidentally, 'homage' is a foreign word of interesting derivation, and can be used in various forms: there's 'petty homage'; 'safe homage'; and, of course, 'homaging a building society with a sawn-off shotgun'... Windsor
27 Apr 1998
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Mornington Crescent

2002 was, of course, World Cup year, with the buzz of controversy both on and off the pitch. Following a row with his coach, the Irish international footballer Roy Keane was sent home to London, but had to wait a few days as all the early seats had been pre-booked for the England squad...

(before the Mornington Crescent round)
2002 Christmas Special
30 Dec 2002
[ This week we'll be playing a version of the game I discovered last week being played at a Seventies party. I arrived wearing my best flares and platform shoes, but it turned out it was a party for people in their seventies. There were some good looking ladies there, but I made my excuses. I'm no cradle snatcher...

(before the Mornington Crescent round)
Not broadcast]
Croydon
19 Nov 2007
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Movie Sequels

We kick off with a round that's all about sequels to famous movies. The sequel is a well known device designed to build upon the qualities of an established formula, and this was even tried with a once popular wireless show called "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again". I can't begin to list all the truly great qualities of the sequel...and believe me, I've tried...

(before the Movie Sequels round)
Winchester
17 Nov 2003
We kick off with a round that's all about sequels to famous movies. The sequel is a well known device designed to build upon the qualities of an established formula, and this was even tried with a once popular wireless show called "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again". I can't begin to list all the truly great qualities of the sequel...and believe me, I've tried...

(before the Movie Sequels round)
ISIHAC Classic Repeat
30 Jun 2008
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Musical Chars

Well next up we're going to play one of the many party games I used to enjoy as a lad. Back then, our favourite was undoubtedly Pass The Parcel. My pals and I would sit around taking turns to unwrap a large package, each of us eager to get at the gift inside. Ah, what happy days we enjoyed working at the sorting office. This week's party game is called Musical Chars. It's just like Musical Chairs but with a one letter spelling mistake, so teams, think yourselves lucky you're not playing Beggar My Neighbour. Now, the theatre management asked the teams to leave the premises as they found them...actually, they asked them to leave the premises as soon as they found them... Torquay
30 Jun 2003
Well next up we're going to play one of the many party games I used to enjoy as a lad. Back then, our favourite was undoubtedly Pass The Parcel. My pals and I would sit around taking turns to unwrap a large package, each of us eager to get at the gift inside. Ah, what happy days we enjoyed working at the sorting office. This week's party game is called Musical Chars. It's just like Musical Chairs but with a one letter spelling mistake, so teams, think yourselves lucky you're not playing Beggar My Neighbour. Now, the theatre management asked the teams to leave the premises as they found them...actually, they asked them to leave the premises as soon as they found them... ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Well next up we're going to play one of the many party games I used to enjoy as a lad. Back then, our favourite was undoubtedly Pass The Parcel. My pals and I would sit around taking turns to unwrap a large package, each of us eager to get at the gift inside. Ah, what happy days we enjoyed working at the sorting office. This week's party game is called Musical Chars. It's just like Musical Chairs but with a one letter spelling mistake, so teams, think yourselves lucky you're not playing Beggar My Neighbour. Now, the theatre management asked the teams to leave the premises as they found them...actually, they asked them to leave the premises as soon as they found them... Best of ISIHAC 2003
29 Dec 2003
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Musical Families

[ Right, it's time for the teams to sing for us again. This is a round called Musical Families. It's quite amazing how many family connections there are in show business, and how often these relatives enjoy similar skills. There are the actor brothers of the family McGann - Joe, Paul, Mark and Renault, and of course we think of Robert Robinson, the well read host of the intellectual quiz 'Brain Of Britain', his talented younger brother Tony Robinson, quick-witted comedy actor and archaeologist, and Anne Robinson, who isn't even distantly related. Musical dynasties are very similar, and in this game the teams are going to reunite long-lost family members in song. At the piano is someone who can trace his family tree all the way back to...the garden centre - Colin Sell... Not broadcast] Wolverhampton Session 1
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Musical Shakespeare

OK, well our next round, Musical Shakespeare, is hugely entertaining...except for listeners in Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England... Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
OK, well our next round, Musical Shakespeare, is hugely entertaining...except for listeners in Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England... Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
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Musical Witness

...The next round takes a look at our criminal justice system. Britain is rightly proud of its judicial process, where even notorious villains are given a fair trial by a jury of their peers, and if found guilty, handed stern sentences, before being taken away by a security firm to be immediately clapped into release...

(before the Musical Witness round)
Dartford
31 May 2004
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Name Droppers

I once asked Marlene Dietrich what her pet hate was. "Well Humph," she said as she switched off the alarm clock, "No one likes a name-dropper." However, I think we can forgive Jeremy for mentioning earlier that he's descended from the Naval officer Sir Thomas Masterman Hardy, who served so well under Nelson, "...and what a fine rear-admiral" Hardy often used to say to him...

(before the Name Droppers round)
Reading
28 May 2001
Our next game is all about famous names. Tim was saying earlier that after dinner at Michael Caine's house last week, both Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts confided in him how much they despised weasely little name droppers. All the same, it was nice of them to pop out and see how he was getting on with the dishes...

(before the Name Droppers round)
Plymouth
07 Jun 1999
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Name That Barcode

Well, now it's time to play a brand new game called Name That Barcode. Anyone who regularly visits our modern supermarkets will know the barcode is an ingenious device for identifying the individual price of a product. The item is picked up by the cashier, who simply runs it past an electronic reader three or four times, before holding it up and calling out "''Ow much is this?", at which point the price appears as if by magic, in no more than ten or fifteen minutes... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
27 Apr 2008
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Name That Tune

We have a musical round now, called Name That Tune, in which Colin Sell plays the piano. This mustn't be confused with the similar game called Maim That Tune...in which Colin Sell plays the piano. We're playing this in tribute to the popular show Name That Tune, in which members of the public would have to identify brief excerpts of classic tunes that had been only slightly disguised...and we have to thank a Mr. Lloyd-Webber for copyright permission... Cardiff
14 Dec 1998
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New Definitions

The first round is all about words and their meanings. There's often a confusion about which is the right word to use on the right occasion. For example, many people are completely ignorant about the technical difference between an 'optician' and an 'optometrist'. Well, an optician is someone who's qualified to examine the eyes and prescribe spectacle lenses, while an optometrist is someone who always looks on the bright side...

(before the New Definitions round)
Hastings
24 Jun 2002
OK, let's get on with the first round, which I notice this week is called Round One, and as one might guess from that title, it's all about words and their meanings. For example, many people are ignorant about the difference between 'imply' and 'infer'. Imply describes the expression or suggestion of a notion in a subtle or indirect manner, whereas infer describes somebody who makes his living selling mink coats...

(before the New Definitions round)
Bradford
27 May 2002
OK, the sooner we start, the sooner we get out of here, so let's begin with Round Six. This week it's New Definitions... Bristol
17 Dec 2001
Well, let's start the 'fun'...with a regular favourite called New Definitions. [ English is a fascinating language that's constantly changing. According to our friends at the BBC Pronounciation Unit, in Victorian times, the word 'Balcony' was pronounced 'Bal-conee', 'Beret' used to be 'Ber-Ett', and 'Sonorous' was 'Son-Aurus' - what a load of 'Bollows'... Not broadcast] Wolverhampton
12 Nov 2001
Let's kick off with a look at how the English language is constantly changing with a round called New Definitions. This is where the teams bring a completely new definition to the word 'entertainment', while retaining the full, original meaning of the words 'total' and 'rubbish'... Norwich
25 Jun 2001
Let's kick off with a brand new game called New Definitions. Many of the words we use today have a meaning that is quite different from the original. For example, the term 'terrific', as in the sentence: 'this game is a terrific one', clearly means 'really good', but it used to mean 'instilling terror' and it still can given a subtle change of context. For example, if I say 'this game is a terrific waste of my and everybody elses bloody time and always will be', the original meaning becomes all to apparent... Reading
04 Jun 2001
OK, the first round on my running order is New Definitions, which is a regular favourite...with whom it doesn't specify... The English language is constantly changing, and has developed many subtleties of expression. For example, some people don't fully understand the difference between the terms 'blatant' and 'flagrant'. Well, those of us who've taken the trouble to look them up know that 'blatant' means 'glaringly conspicuous or obviously noticable', whereas 'flagrant' means 'smelling of nice scent'... Malvern
25 Nov 2002
We start the first round with [ the promise of tip-top entertainment...so while the governor unwraps the white sliced loaf, I'll ask the teams to provide us with Not broadcast] some New Definitions. The English language is a rich and varied tongue, but that very range of words does lead to some confusion over definition. For example, many people don't understand the subtle difference between 'confuse' and 'perplex'. Well, those of us who had the benefit of a public school education can tell you that 'confuse' means 'to make unclear' or 'disconcertingly bewilder', while 'perplex' is a kind of plastic glass... Blackpool
OK teams, let's launch into the first round with every ounce of enthusiasm we can fake...take...make...

(before the New Definitions round)
Sadler's Wells
23 Dec 2002
I can see that Samantha has threaded the first tape, which he tells me is a compilation of the year's best New Definitions...so I'll be with you again in a few seconds... 2002 Christmas Special
30 Dec 2002
We begin with a round of New Definitions. The English language is constantly developing to the point where it's often difficult to keep up with the true meanings of words. For example, many people don't fully understand the subtle differentiation between 'calamity' and 'catastrophe'. Well, those of use who've taken the trouble to study our language in depth know that a 'calamity' is a disaster or misfortune, especially one causing extreme havoc, misery or distress, whereas a 'catastrophe' is a punctuation mark shaped like a wiggly tadpole... Darlington
02 Jun 2003
OK, the sooner we start, the sooner we get out of here, so let's begin with Round Six. This week it's New Definitions... ISIHAC 7, Side 3
Let's kick off with a look at how the English language is constantly changing with a round called New Definitions. This is where the teams bring a completely new definition to the word 'entertainment', while retaining the full, original meaning of the words 'total' and 'rubbish'... ISIHAC 7, Side 4
OK, let's get on with the first round, which I notice this week is called Round One, and as one might guess from that title, it's all about words and their meanings. For example, many people are ignorant about the difference between 'imply' and 'infer'. Imply describes the expression or suggestion of a notion in a subtle or indirect manner, whereas infer describes somebody who makes his living selling mink coats...

(before the New Definitions round)
ISIHAC 8, Side 1
We start the first round with some New Definitions. The English language is a rich and varied tongue, but that very range of words does lead to some confusion over definition. For example, many people don't understand the subtle difference between 'confuse' and 'perplex'. Well, those of us who had the benefit of a public school education can tell you that 'confuse' means 'to make unclear' or 'disconcertingly bewilder', while 'perplex' is a kind of plastic glass... ISIHAC 8, Side 3
We start with a round of words which have acquired New Definitions. English is a fascinating language, but one which requires great care in its application if subtleties of meaning are to be properly expressed. For example, there are those who are completely ignorant of the difference between 'ethics' and 'morals'. Well, 'morals' comprise a system of principles defining ones degree of conformity to conventional standards of social behaviour, whereas 'ethics' is where girls with white stilettos live... ISIHAC 8, Side 4
OK, call me a stickler for convention, but let's start with Round One which this week is New Definitions. The English language is a rich and varied tongue, but this can lead to some confusion. As a example, there are among the less well educated, those who have no concept of the subtle difference in meaning between 'irregularity' and 'asymmetry'. In fact, 'irregularity' means a lack of balance in spacial arrangements or logical relations, whereas 'asymmetry' is where you bury stiffs... Winchester
24 Nov 2003
We start today with an educational round. The use of language is an interesting study, but there are those who don't understand the subtle difference in meanings of apparently similar terms, such as 'representatives' and 'delegates'. Well, 'representatives' means those authorised as deputies in a legislative assembly, whereas 'delegates' is a setting on your washing machine...

(before the New Definitions round)
Eastbourne
15 Dec 2003
Our first round is designed to improve our understanding of English vocabulary, as there are still those who are uncertain as to which word to use on what occasion. For example, many ignorant souls don't fully appreciate the fine distinction between 'deficient' and 'defective'. Well, 'deficient' indicates being incomplete, imperfect or faulty, while 'defective' is one rank below superintendent...

(before the New Definitions round)
Leeds
08 Dec 2003
I was reminded of the programme's New Definitions round when I found the words 'marvellous', inspiring', 'joyous' and 'mirthful' all appeared in my cryptic crossword, which this year I managed to finish in a personal best time of just seven rounds... Best of ISIHAC 2003
29 Dec 2003
...OK, let's get weaving. On second thoughts, put those looms away while we get on with a round of New Definitions. English is a language of immense subtlety and complexity. For example, many don't fully appreciate the difference in correct usage between 'approval' and 'approbation'. Well, approval means favourable opinion or commendation, whereas approbation is what the magistrates gave Barry last week... Dartford
07 Jun 2004
...We start with a round designed to improve our understanding of the English Language. Sadly, public knowledge of our Mother tongue is in an abyssmal state. Many don't understand the difference between such terms as 'depreciation' and 'debasement'. Well, 'depreciation' is an accounting method of reducing capital asset value, while 'debasement' is de room under de ground floor...

(before the New Definitions round)
Belfast
21 Jun 2004
OK teams, our first round takes a look at English vocabulary. English is a highly expressive language but it's important to understand the subtle differences in meaning between apparently similar terms. For example, 'sewage' and 'effluent' are not quite the same thing. 'Sewage' refers to waste material from domestic or industrial establishments, processed into a non-toxic, biodegradable residue, whereas 'effluent' means having loads of dosh...

(before the New Definitions round)
Salford
05 Jul 2004
We kick off this week with a round designed to improve our understanding of the English language. For eaxample, there are some ignorant souls who don't understand the subtle difference between the word 'sty' and 'pig-pen'. Well, 'sty' refers to a low shed or enclosure where swine are housed, whereas 'pig-pen' is that big clock tower they've got at Westminster...

(before the New Definitions round)
Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
OK, let's kick off with a look at the meanings of words. English is a rich and varied language, but the subtleties of inference can be confusing to the uneducated ear. For example, many don't understand the difference in meaning between the terms 'hope' and 'apsire'. Well, those of us who've taken the trouble to look them up know that 'hope' means both to have a desire for something and the expectancy of its fulfillment, whereas 'aspire' is the pointy bit of a church...

(before the New Definitions round)
Hull
03 Jan 2005
We begin with an educational round this week. The English language is a rich and varied tongue, but there are those who are ingorant of the subtleties in difference in meaning between apparently similar terms, such as 'Aurora Borealis' and 'Northern Lights'. Well, 'Aurora Borealis' means the luminescent phenomenon that appears in skies in the arctic polar region, whereas 'Northern Lights' is a brand of fags...

(before the New Definitions round)
Tunbridge Wells
17 Jan 2005
OK, we start with an educational round about the English language. There's often confusion regarding the exact definition of apparently similar terms. For example, the words 'habitable' and 'livable' are not interchangeable. 'Habitable' describes a property which, although not necessarily fully equipped, is technically capable of being occupied, whereas 'livable' is where the scousers come from...

(before the New Definitions round)
Ipswich
30 May 2005
OK, we start with an educational round looking at the subtleties in meaning of certain words in the English language. For example, there's often confusion between terms such as 'strategy' and 'tactics'. Well, 'strategy' represents the art or science of the planning and conduct required successfully to achieve long-term goals, whereas 'tactics' are little minty sweets...

(before the New Definitions round)
Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
OK, let's get underway with a look at the English language, as it's important to understand the subtleties in meaning of certain words. For example, there are many who don't fully appreciate the difference between the terms 'perpetrate' and 'commit'. Well, 'perpetrate' means 'to perform, or be responsible for, an act of criminal intent or deception', whereas 'commit' was the frog on The Muppet Show...

(before the New Definitions round)
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
OK, settle down. There's nothing to get excited about. The first round is called Uxbridge English Dictionary, and it takes its title from the popular and best selling book of the same name. As English is a rich and complex language, it's often difficult to understand the subtle but important differences in meaning between certain terms. For example, many people don't appreciate the difference between a 'napkin' and a 'serviette'. Well, those of us who benefitted from a private education know that a 'napkin' is a square piece of cloth or paper that's used to wipe the mouth or protect the clothes when eating, whereas a 'serviette' was a bloke from Communist Russia... Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
[ Let's get off the mark with a round of Uxbridge English Dictionary. There are those who fail to appreciate the complexity of English. For example, many don't understand the difference in the correct usage in jurisprudence between the terms 'arrest' and 'detain'. Well, deriving from the old French verb detainier, meaning to hold back, 'detain' means to confine or hold in custody without charge, whereas 'arrest' is a long stick thing you use in snooker... Not broadcast] Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
OK, we'll begin with an educational round this week, called Uxbridge English Dictionary, which examines the subtleties of difference in meaning between apparently similar terms. For example, there are many people who don't know the dfference between snooker and pool. Well, in snooker, two players compete to score points by potting 15 red balls followed by another 6 balls of different colours and value, whereas in pool, elderly folk in bungalows read knitting patterns... Bristol
29 May 2006
We kick off this week with a round called Uxbridge English Dictionary, as there's much confusion about the true definitions of many words. For example, there are some ignorant souls who don't undersand the subtle difference between the terms 'metaphor' and 'analogy'. Well, 'metaphor' means the figurative use of terms in a context to which they're not literally applicable, whereas 'analogy' means you itch and sneeze... Birmingham
12 Jun 2006
[ In our first round, Uxbridge English Dictionary, which takes its title from a popular and best-selling book, we'll be taking a look at the English language, as you'd be surprised how many are ignorant of its complexities. For example, many people don't understand the difference in the correct legal usage under English jurisprudence between 'arrest' and 'detain'. Well, deriving from the old word detainier, meaning to hold back, 'detain' means to confine or hold in custody without charge, whereas 'arrest' is that long stick thing you use in snooker... Not broadcast] London Palladium
21 Nov 2005
We kick off this week with a round called Uxbridge English Dictionary. English is a rich and varied language, but there are those who are ignorant of the technical differences between apparently similar terms such as 'celebrate' and 'commemorate'. Well, those of us that have taken the trouble to look them up know that 'commemorate' means to honour or to keep alive a memory, whereas 'celebrate' means not having sex... Halifax
26 Jun 2006
[ OK, we'll kick off with a round called Uxbridge English Dictionary. Ours is a complex language and sometimes definitions become confused. There are those who are completely ignorant of the difference in meaning between the terms referee and umpire. Well, the referee is the official involved in a sporting event from whom an opinion, information or a decision is sought, whereas umpire is a big cinema in Leicester Square... Not broadcast] Brighton
05 Dec 2005
We kick off with a look at our language, in the round called Uxbridge English Dictionary. English is a rich and complex language, so it's often difficult to understand the subtle differences in meaning between certain terms. For example, many people don't appreciate the different functions of 'solicitors' and 'barristers'. Well those of us who've taken the trouble to read our dictionaries know that a 'solicitor' is one who draws up legal documents and prepares cases for court, but is not allowed to plead or prosecute in the High Court, whereas a 'barrister' is what you hang on to on the stairs... Southport
20 Nov 2006
We start this week with a round called Uxbridge English Dictionary. English is a subtle language, and there are those who don't fully appreciate its complexity. For example, many people don't understand the difference between the words 'atrophy' and 'emaciation'. Well, those of us who went to public school know that 'emaciation' is the state of being abnormally thin due to the lack of nutrition or disease, whereas 'atrophy' is what I won for the 50m sack race...

(before the New Definitions round)
Victoria Palace
04 Dec 2006
OK, we may as well get on with it. We start this week with a word round called Uxbridge English Dictionary. The English language complex, and there are those who don't fully appreciate its subtlety. For example, many people don't know the difference in use between the words 'forbear' and 'abstain'. Well, if one chooses to refrain from a certain activity, then it's appropriate to say one 'abstains', rather than 'forbears', because forbears is one more than Goldilocks had...

(before the New Definitions round)
Sunderland
18 Dec 2006
Our next venue is Birmingham, where I stop off to buy a newspaper and a curly-wurly. As I take coins from my pocket, the shop girl grabs my hand and starts to count my money for me. Does she think I'm senile? I may be eighty-five, but I can still tell the difference between a half crown and a florin, thank you very much. This great industrial city first thrived thanks to its extensive and busy canal system. At its peak, twenty thousand bargees had to be brought in each day...to satisfy the canal manager's insatiable appetite for Indian food. Now a cosmopolitan city of rich diversity, Birmingham and its people pride themselves on extending a welcome to all who may add to its cultural tapestry. So, while they were away doing that, the teams were doing this:

(before the New Definitions round)
2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
OK, we'll begin with an educational round this week, called Uxbridge English Dictionary. There are those who are ignorant of the difference in meaning between apparently similar terms. For example, there's often confusion about 'murals' and 'frescos'. Well, those of us who've studied Classical architecture know that 'murals' are images or representations painted in water- or oil-based media directly onto the porous plaster of, specifically, walls and porticos, whereas 'frescos' is where I get my potatoes...

(before the New Definitions round)
London Coliseum
11 Jun 2007
OK, we begin with an educational round this week called Uxbridge English Dictionary.There are those who are ignorant of the difference in meaning between apparently similar terms. For example, some have no concept of the subtle distinction between the words 'prosperous' and 'comfortable'. Well, those of us who've benefited from a classical education and therefore understand the derivations of these terms know that 'prosperous' defines one who has amassed a large amount of money and material possessions, whereas 'comfortable' painted The Haywain... Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
OK, we start with a round about words, called Uxbridge English Dictionary. These days, many of us are guilty of bandying words we don't fully understand. In this age of international conflict, it's important for us all to appreciate the full meaning of other nations' terms if strife caused by cultural differences is to be overcome. For example, there's an important difference between 'Jihad' and 'Intifada'. As 'Jihad' refers specifically to a Holy war undertaken through religious fervour against non believers, whereas 'Intifada' is a chain of florists...

(before the New Definitions round)
Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
OK, we start this week with the first round. It's called U.E.D. or Uxbridge English Dictionary to give it its full plug. The English language is a rich and varied tongue, but this often leads to confusion. As an example, there are those who have no concept of the important technical difference in meaning between the terms 'girder' and 'rafter'. In fact, the term 'rafter' is used by structural engineers to denote a supporting beam whose cross-sectional ratio is calculated as 'span/2 + 2', whereas 'girder' was some old Kraut who wrote Faust...

(before the New Definitions round)
Croydon
19 Nov 2007
The first round this week is round one. It's called Uxbridge English Dictionary, and it's all about the meaning of words. Many of our listeners are ignorant of the true meanings of apparently similar terms. For example, it's quite astonishing how many have no knowledge of the difference between the terms 'enrapture' and 'enamour'. Well, listen up, because you'll learn something. You use 'enrapture' to express enchantment and delight, whereas you use 'enamour' to bang nails in...

(before the New Definitions round)
Manchester
03 Dec 2007
[ We start this week with a look at our language as we leaf through the pages of the Uxbridge English Dictionary. In my ceaseless quest to improve our English language, I welcome letters from listeners who have a poor knowledge of its use. Sadly, I've never understood a single one of them. This week's words of the week are 'synonym' and 'antonym'. Both useful in their own way, 'synonym' should be employed to denote a word that means the same or at least very nearly the same as another word, whereas 'antonym' was that Roman general who got Cleopatra {???unreadable}...

(before the New Definitions round)
Not broadcast]
Peterborough
17 Dec 2007
Now do any of you know the difference in meaning between the words 'microscopic' and 'minute'? I thought not. Well, 'microscopic' refers to something that's so small that it's not visible to the naked eye, whereas 'minute' lives in my pond with my frog and my toad...

(before the New Definitions round)
Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
OK teams, our first round takes a look at English vocabulary. There's often confusion regarding the exact definition of apparently similar terms. For example, the words 'habitable' and 'livable' are not interchangeable. 'Habitable' describes a property which, although not necessarily fully equipped, is technically capable of being occupied, whereas 'livable' is where the scousers come from...

(before the New Definitions round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 2
...OK, let's get weaving. On second thoughts, put those looms away while we get on with a round of New Definitions. The use of language is an interesting study, but there are those who don't understand the subtle difference in meanings of apparently similar terms, such as 'representatives' and 'delegates'. Well, 'representatives' means those authorised as deputies in a legislative assembly, whereas 'delegates' is a setting on your washing machine... ISIHAC 9, Side 3
Now, we kick off today with a round called Uxbridge English Dictionary. The English language has a plethora of terms which appear to be interchangeable, but that isn't always the holdall. There are many people who have no clear understanding, for example, of the important difference in definition between 'Salt Water' and 'Brine'. Well, 'Salt Water' means water containing a strong solution of salt, usually sodium chloride although in chemistry labs it can be potassium chloride, whereas 'Brine' is how the Queen addresses the Prime Minister... Haymarket
15 Jun 2009
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New Jobs

We have a round now called New Jobs. As the economic downturn bites even deeper, many workers are thinking about a change of career. The former boss of Railtrack is now a headmaster...at the only comprehensive in Britain without a timetable. Our special guest Phill Jupitus left school to train as a chaffeur, but after failing his driving test and getting lost on the way home, had to take up mini-cabbing instead... Brighton
26 Nov 2001
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New National Anthems

The first game is called New National Anthems. As the political map of the world continues to change, many nations feel the need for a new anthem. As an example, the Scots have, in recent years, taken to singing 'Oh Flower Of Scotland', a fine tribute to the baking products of Mr. McDougal... Glasgow
30 Nov 1998
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New Versions

It occured to me quite recently how ill served today's theatre-going public can be...about five minutes ago actually. Down the years, certain scenes or entire plays have lost the sense intended thanks to misinterpretation by generations of theatre directors. Most fans of the stage have no idea, for example, that 'Waiting For Godot' was originally set in a restaurant; Henry Higgins's line "By George, I think she's got it!" should in fact be spoken in a doctors' surgery; nor indeed that Hamlet's soliloquoy "To be, or not to be" actually concerned his choice of pencil...

(before the New Versions round)
Woking
22 May 2000
Our next round is called New Versions. It's inspired by the current Radio 4 policy of re-jigging old shows and putting them in different slots. "The One O'Clock News" is now followed by "Mastermind", "Round Britain Quiz" can't be followed by anyone, and "Nicholas Parsons In The Psychiatrist's Chair" is followed by "Prayer For The Day"... Windsor
27 Apr 1998
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Newsreaders' Jargon

[ The teams are going to look at the world of the Newsreader next. Broadcast news is a specialist field requiring a great skill. Take the PM programme for example - it can't be easy fitting reports of all the world's major events into an hour about Wayne Rooney's foot. At least the tension's over now that Sven-Goran Eriksson has named the team he believes can win the World Cup. It's Brazil... But there's more to the news than just football. I heard on the radio last week that Gordon Brown is insisting that everyone seeking jobs in Britain will be required to attain at least a basic grasp of English. So that's John Prescott stuffed for a start... Not broadcast]

(before the Newsreaders' Jargon round)
Halifax
19 Jun 2006
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Note For Note

...The next round was specially designed by our games designers to challenge the teams' musical abilities. Can't have been a very lengthy meeting. Actually, that's a little unfair, as Tim and Graeme enjoyed success with their Goodies records, Tony was in the top ten with the band called Morris Minor And The Majors, and Barry once had a surprise Number One in Finland...but then cold weather often does that to him...

(before the Note For Note round)
Dartford
07 Jun 2004
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Notes & Queries

We're going to borrow a round now from The Guardian newspaper called Notes & Queries. Actually this week's edition appeared as Quotes & Nerys, an eclectic discussion of the insightful social commentary and ascerbic witicisms of Nerys Hughes... Cardiff
14 Dec 1998
We move on to an educational round now, with Scientific Notes & Queries. This is our tribute to the ertswhile popular TV show Tomorrow's World, who's presenters prided themselves on predicting every future event of interest...except obviously for the show getting binned... Leeds
08 Dec 2003
Our next round is called Notes & Queries. Glancing in my copy of The Guardian the other day, teams, I was pleased to read an interesting question and answer section which they call "Snots & Queazy"... Best Of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
The next round is called Notes & Queries, and it's where the teams respond to knotty problems posed by our listeners, but before we start, I have to correct some misunderstandings which crept in the last time we did this. In the item about the best way to de-worm a Yorkshire Terrier, we advised that there was no need to pay a vet to insert the tablets, as you can easily use the blunt end of a biro tube to push them up yourself. We have to apologise to Mrs Griffiths of Orpington. We hope she's now sitting more comfortably, and suggest she listens out for handy hints on how to get ink stains out of a surgical cushion. I have to say Mrs Griffiths, if you're listening, it was very difficult to read your letter of complaint... Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
We come to our Notes & Queries section now, where the teams are presented with some of the most frequently asked general knowledge questions to British newspapers, periodicals, text and internet sites. However, before we start, we must clear up some inaccuracies that crept into the last edition. Firstly, Richard the Lionheart was not, as we said, a dodgy butcher on Chessington market. He was, of course, an early patient of Dr Christian Barnard. Also, when we said that Tutankhamun was the next station on the District Line after TutanBroadway, that was just silly - it's on the Northern Line, and finally Anita Harris did not invent liposuction, that was actually Albert Perterbum. OK, I've brought along a selection of odd posers, and I'll ask the four of them to answer these questions... Victoria Palace
04 Dec 2006
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Nursery Rhymes

OK, our next game takes as its subject the Nursery Rhyme, a children's entertainment that sadly fell from popularity with the advent of the mechanical toy. A prime example was 'Lego', which became so successful that there is now here in Windsor, and entire LegoLand. For a small fee, parents can bring their children to enjoy a large area of toy buildings constructed out of plastic bricks. Alternatively, they can save their money and take the kids to Milton Keynes for the day... Windsor
04 May 1998
Our next round takes us overseas to see what we can adapt from Britain to suit our European neighbours. Personally, I'm fascinated by European culture. For example, in the French language, they have a word 'rien', which means nothing. [ {???unreadable} have a word that doesn't mean anything. Not broadcast] And yet, as the Prime Minister discovered recently, the French have more than twenty different ways to say both 'up' and 'yours'...

(before the Nursery Rhymes round)
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
This next round is all about Nursery Rhymes. Actually, the derivation of many traditional nursery rhymes makes for a fascinating study. It's well documented that 'Ring-a-ring of roses. A pocketful of posies.' is in fact about the Black Death of 1348. 'A-tissue. A-tissue. We all fall down.' was an early form of public information describing the final stages of bubonic plague. Other rhymes include the less well-known warning of rabies arriving from France: 'Woof Woof, from the south. We go frothy at the mouth.'; and the graphic description of leprosy: 'Sneeze, sneeze, cough, cough. I see your nose has fallen off.'... London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
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Och-Aye Spy

We're going to play a Scottish version of the old observational party game, teams, which I see has now been retitled Och-Aye Spy. This is just one of many children's games that have been adapted to suit the Scots: there's Postman's Jock; Blind Drunk Man's McDuff; and of course Pass The Oil Profits South... Glasgow
30 Nov 1998
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Odd One Out

The next game is all about spotting connections. The teams will be presented with a short list of famous names, places or items, and will try to guess which of them are connected. An obvious example would be if I were to list John The Baptist, The Good Samaritan and Winnie The Pooh. You'd immediately spot that John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh share the same middle name, while The Good Samaritan has it as his first name...

(before the Odd One Out round)
Manchester
26 Nov 2007
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Official Sponsor

Well, we make a start - Oh...DIY gets everywhere! - "We make a start this week" - In the good old days, we used to say "We start this week...", now we have to make the bloody thing...

We make a start this week with a round of Official Sponsor. Sponsorship is now taking hold in show business. Appropriately, this game will be played by Tim Brooke-Bond-Taylor, Graeme West Ruislip Garden-Centre, Sandi Beaches Of Skegness Toksvig, and Barry Holstein Kronenburg Budweiser Fosters Castlemaine Carling Black Label Red Stripe Carlsberg Special Brew Methylated Sprits Cryer...

Sadler's Wells
16 Dec 2002
Let's start with round one this week, teams. It's called BBC Sponsorship. It seems that commercialism at the BBC is creeping in at every level, and it's quite amazing what a subliminal effect incessant advertising can have. I understand our own Barry Cryer has stopped taking two bottles into the shower...preferring an entire six-pack... Cardiff
21 Dec 1998
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One Man And His Dog

Listeners who also enjoy television will have been dismayed by the recent news that the long-running One Man & His Dog series has been axed. So few other shows have ever matched the pleasure and excitement of watching a man in a field whistling, while a dog chases sheep. It makes my blood boil to think that this fine programme is to go, no doubt to be replaced by something really dull. If it's dull I want, I can go and do some decorating or tidy up the garden. I wouldn't be surprised if they put those on TV next... Plymouth
07 Jun 1999
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One Song to the Tune of Another

Looking back to the beginning of the year, I see that 2002 opened with the introduction of Europe's new currency, when Euro notes and coins went into circulation. France said 'Bon Soir' to Francs, and Spain bid 'Buenos Noches' to Pesetas, while Germany waved 'Auf Wiedersehen' to Marks, as under a new EU directive, all their branches of M&S were reclassified as a vegetable. Other notable January events included PG Tips sacking their TV chimps...although they quickly found jobs producing the new BBC1 Saturday night schedule...

(before the One Song to the Tune of Another round)
2002 Christmas Special
30 Dec 2002
...The teams are going to sing for us now, in the round called One Song to the Tune of Another. This game requires extraordinary levels of skill, akin to those of top sportsmen. One thinks of the Olympic sprinters who've trained for eight hours a day for the last four years to achieve the ambition of running around a building site for three minutes... [ Then there are our first-class footballers who attend endless training sessions in their quest to build up the physical strength needed to beat up their girlfriends. Not broadcast] In One Song to the Tune of Another, the teams mix up the word of one song to the tune of another. This might be considered a difficult enough challenge until they hear the piano accompaniment of Colin Sell...when it will be rendered well-nigh impossible. Salford
28 Jun 2004
Right, let's move on to some music with One Song to the Tune of Another. This is where the teams sing novel combinations of lyrics and tunes, and I have to say that for me, this will be like a dream come true. Does anyone else have that dream? The one where you're trapped in a room with 1500 other people with their fingers stuck in their ears? Hull
20 Dec 2004
The teams are going to sing for us now, and that's in the round called One Song to the Tune of Another, where the teams are given the words of one song to be sung to the tune of another. [ This novel concept came about during one of the teams' brain-storming sessions, when they get together with ideas to bounce around. When I say 'bounce around', I don't mean they jump about on a trampoline. Oh no, that's far too dangerous. You wouldn't ever catch them falling off a trampoline. Well, would you? Actually, Tim Brooke-Taylor did try it once for Red Nose Day. That's the fine charity that gets together every two years to provide Lenny Henry a day's work. However, Tim did land badly and suffered a nasty injury, with a hairline fracture of the wallet. Not broadcast] Ipswich
30 May 2005
Here we all are in Halifax. Our hotel is staffed almost entirely by antipodeans, keen to impress with their quirky linguistic idioms. A request for a sandwich is met with "You keep eating, I'll keep serving." A wine order is met with "You keep drinking, I'll keep pouring." I don't dare ask where the gents toilet is. Halifax was, of course, the birthplace of building societies, those philanthropic institutions to whom we owe such a great debt. So great, in fact, they frequently send the bailiffs round. The Victoria Theatre in Halifax is a huge venue with a capacity of nearly two thousand, and the teams are delighted to see an absolutely packed row seventeen, seats D to F...

(before the One Song to the Tune of Another round)
2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
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Opening Lines

Now teams, browsing in my local bookshop recently, I noticed a new title called The Almost Complete I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, which looks unbeatable value at only £9.99, and I got to thinking that with the growth of the internet as a provider of intellectual stimulus, there's a real danger that such traditional books will go out of fashion. There are still occasions when only a substantial volume by an author such as Jeffrey Archer will do...try propping up a wonky table leg with a pentium processor. Personally I enjoy nothing better than being tucked up in bed getting stuck into Beryl Bainbridge... With the promotion of book reading for pleasure very much in mind, we're going to play a game called Opening Lines. Earlier I provided the teams with a brief resumé of a book title, and from that information, they've written what they think might be the opening lines. Points will be awarded for technical accuracy, literary impression and spilling. The book is "You Won't Believe This But..." No, not the Vanessa Feltz story, it's in fact the autobiography of our own Barry Cryer. To give you some assistance in imagining how Barry might have started his work, here's how he modestly describes it on the jacket cover:
In this highly entertaining look at a career spanning stand-up days at the Windmill Theatre in the 50's, to his cult status with today's young audience, Barry brings together a wealth of showbiz anecdotes revealing his world at the forefront of British comedy
Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
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Out To Lunch

On the political scene, the year saw much progress towards self-determination for the Scots and Welsh, a topic much in evidence when my teams and I visited Cardiff. At the famous Arms Park, Welsh rugby has for many years epitomised the Five Nations Cup, when the social and ethnic differences of the Irish, Scots, French and Welsh are set aside in the spirit of unity in the shared enjoyment of stuffing it up the English. Another event to bring top entries to Cardiff is the annual Singer Of The World competition - possibly the greatest international sewing machine championship of them all.

(before the Out To Lunch round)
1998 Christmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
OK, let's move on teams - you wouldn't want to peak too early. Now, if I were to say "Out to lunch", you might think "Why should we care where Michael Winner is between breakfast and dinner?", but in fact Out To Lunch is the title of our great new game... Cardiff
14 Dec 1998
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Pantomime Proverbs

[ Right, it's now time for the proverbial pantomime. (It says here 'If any idiot shouts "Oh no it isn't!", they'll be removed by security'). This is an educational version of the erstwhile TV favourite Catch Phrase, the show that put Roy Walker where he is today...holding up a sign that says 'Golf Sale'. Not broadcast] The teams will take turns to act out scenes illustrating well-known proverbs for their opponents to guess. Proverbs are, of course, those wise sayings expressing pithy advice to anyone with an interest in pith. [ Many provide invaluable solutions to various day-to-day conundrums, and I have to say how delighted I was when my muckle problem was so easily solved when obtaining many a mickle... Not broadcast]

(before the Pantomime Proverbs round)
Ipswich
06 Jun 2005
The teams will take turns to act out scenes illustrating well-known proverbs for their opponents to guess. Proverbs are, of course, those wise sayings expressing pithy advice to anyone with an interest in pith.

(before the Pantomime Proverbs round)
ISIHAC Classic Repeat
07 Jul 2008
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Paranoia

This is a game called Paranoia. One team is suffering from a grand delusion, but they don't know what it is, while we and the other two do. They should ask questions in order to find out. The audience can indicate when they're getting warm...by removing their jackets... 17 Feb 1990
This is a game called Paranoia. One team is suffering from a grand delusion, but they don't know what it is, while we and the other two do. They should ask questions in order to find out. The audience can indicate when they're getting warm...by removing their jackets... 17 Feb 1990
Our next game takes a look at the doctor to patient relationship. [ The state of our health seems to be a national obsession these days, with warnings appearing on foods, drinks and cigarettes. I once knew a chap in the army who never smoked again after he was offered a cigarette by his sargeant. He noticed the health warning Smoking Causes Premature Death, and declined. So the sargeant pulled down the chap's blindfold, and they shot him... And Barry Cryer was telling us how he read several reports on the effects of excessive alcohol consumption, and immediately gave up. Really. He hasn't read a report in months... Not broadcast] OK, we'll start with you, Tim & Tony. You're suffering from an unusual medical complaint, but we'll carry on with the game anyway...

(before the Paranoia round)
Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
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Party Bores

[ Right, in this next game, the teams have to try to be as boring as possible. Hang on...I've got my cards jumbled...this must be the intro for the last round... We've all suffered those dinner parties where you get stuck next to the most boring person in the world. In fact, Barry was telling us he was at a corporate dinner the other evening, where he was lumbered with an insurance account manager from Sidcup. It's not many of us could stomach someone droning through three hours of relentless, tedious detail about his terminally dull existence...and neither could the insurance manager... Not broadcast]

(before the Party Bores round)
Brighton
05 Dec 2005
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Pick Up Morris

[ The next game is called Pick Up Morris. It's a bit like Pick Up Song, but with Morris Dancing. The derivation of Morris Dancing is lost in the mists of time. Some say Morris Men are driven to dress up and jig about on village greens by the heritage of the druids; others say that it's in honour of the god of the harvest; but the most likely explanation is seventeen pints of bad beer... Not broadcast] Bradford Session 1
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Pick Up Song

OK, well the teams are now going to sing for us, because it's that old favourite Pick Up Song...not quite such an old favourite as Pick Up Ear Defenders if you ask me... York
15 Nov 1999
It's now time for the teams to sing...a signal for house-bound music lovers everywhere to consult their copy of the Geneva Convention

(before the Pick Up Song round)
Leeds
18 May 1998
OK, it's a round now to test the teams' musical skills - known in the trade as a 'quickie'...

(before the Pick Up Song round)
Best Of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
[ OK, the teams are going to sing for us now. If they don't make this an absolute humdinger, then they're not the women I thought they were...

(before the Pick Up Song round) Not broadcast]
Blackpool
09 Dec 2002
The teams are going to sing for us now in the round called Excrutiating Torture. As this involves their singing along to well known discs, it's also known as Pick Up Song Oxford
04 Jul 2005
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Pick'n'Mixfords

This is a brand new game called Pick'n'Mixfords, which is all about removals firms and house moves. Now Tim & Barry might be at something of an advantage in this one, as they ran a small removals firm during a short lull in work between 1968...and last Thursday... Bournemouth
13 Nov 2000
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Pin The Tail On Colin

[ Our next game is adapted from Pin The Tail On The Donkey, and it's called Pin The Tail On Colin. This is very much like the party game in which children use drawing pins to stick a tail on a dumb animal, except that this version doesn't involve children. Obviously, needle sharp drawing pins can be painful if stuck through the skin, so the teams have been provided with protective gloves... Not broadcast] Southport
13 Nov 2006
After their hectic schedule, the teams have taken a short summer recess to recharge their batteries, as their electric wheelchairs were running slow. The tour resumes by the seaside, here in Southport. Once the home of Emperor Napolean III, Southport's main street was taken as the model for the great boulevards of Paris. The teams have been warmed by their welcome here, as they took a relaxing stroll amongst the many burning cars. In a lull between rioting, several locals find time to witness the teams at play:
Our next game is adapted from Pin The Tail On The Donkey, and it's called Pin The Tail On Colin. This is very much like the party game in which children use drawing pins to stick a tail on a dumb animal, except that this version doesn't involve children. Obviously, needle sharp drawing pins can be painful if stuck through the skin, so the teams have been provided with protective gloves...
2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Play Your Chords Right

We move on now to a game called Play Your Chords Right. This is based on a popular TV show called 'Play Your Cards Right', hosted by the evergreen Bruce Forsyth. It was Brucie, of course, who became famous with his many catch phrases such as 'Nice to see you - To see you nice' and 'What do you mean a wig? - A wig what mean you do?'. Now in Play Your Chords Right, Colin Sell will play the first note of a certain piece of classical music, and the teams' task will be to judge whether the next note is higher or lower. The team guessing correctly will get to answer a question about Winchester College. We've chosen that subject as not only are we in Winchester this week, but also the school was attended by our very own Tim Brooke-Taylor; and another Winchester schoolboy who famously sported a Union Jack waistcoat was Sir Oswald Moseley. However, Moseley was suspended for growing a small bristly moustache clearly copying his hero, that notorious Fascist...the school matron... Winchester
17 Nov 2003
We move on now to a game called Play Your Chords Right. This is based on a popular TV show called 'Play Your Cards Right', hosted by the evergreen Bruce Forsyth. It was Brucie, of course, who became famous with his many catch phrases such as 'Nice to see you - To see you nice' and 'What do you mean a wig? - A wig what mean you do?'. Now in Play Your Chords Right, Colin Sell will play the first note of a certain piece of classical music, and the teams' task will be to judge whether the next note is higher or lower. The team guessing correctly will get to answer a question about Winchester College. We've chosen that subject as not only are we in Winchester this week, but also the school was attended by our very own Tim Brooke-Taylor; and another Winchester schoolboy who famously sported a Union Jack waistcoat was Sir Oswald Moseley. However, Moseley was suspended for growing a small bristly moustache clearly copying his hero, that notorious Fascist...the school matron... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
30 Jun 2008
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Postcards

We come to an entertaining round now called Historical Postcards. Sending a postcard home from a distant location is a fine way to keep in touch with friends and family, and I treasure one received from my grandfather at the Seige of Ladysmith. I didn't think it possible that a card could ever be delivered from such a place, but thanks to Consignia last week, it finally was... Hastings
17 Jun 2002
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Proverbial Theatre

The teams are going to indulge us in a spot of acting now, in a game called Proverbial Theatre. We have to keep a special eye out for Tim and Graeme in this one, as I understand both are well-known thespians. In fact, [ Tim is a long-time member of the R.S.C., but he's recently switched to A.A. HomeStart, while Not broadcast] Graeme is currently considering several interesting roles, as the BBC have generously provided him with a packed lunch... Oxford
04 Jul 2005
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Proverbs

Our next round has an American flavour. Yes, it's now time to look across the pond to Uncle Sam...and think "If he does that in there again, I'm calling the police!"

(before the Proverbs round)
Guildford
24 May 1999
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Proverbs By Initials

The teams are going to delve into the world of proverbs now. Down the years, proverbs have provided an essential life code, but today, many of them leave something to be desired. For example, whilst it's still true that you can't make a silk purse out of a pig's ear, there's certainly nothing to stop you making a pork pie. And while we're on the subject, it's not the broth but the TV schedule that is spoilt by too many cooks, [ and whoever decided that two heads are better than one must have been raising sheep too close to Sellafield... Not broadcast]

(before the Proverbs By Initials round)
Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Proverbs In Translation

We have a literary round now called Proverbs In Translation. The English language is overflowing with spare proverbs which could be of use in Europe, or even farther afield, but these will have to be translated precisely to avoid confusing our foreign neighbours. It would be like waving a red rag in a china shop if too many cooks skated close to the wind and made them bark up the wrong end of an old dog... Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
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Public Information Broadcasts

The teams are now going to delve into the realms of Public Information Broadcasts. Back in the Fifties, these were often disguised as dramas. In fact, the BBC was asked by the Ministry of Agriculture to launch The Archers, in order to help Britain's struggling farmers. Information has included tips on maximising crop yields, effective ways to avoid foot rot in sheep, and exactly how many Malibu and Cokes it takes to get your brother's bride up the duff on her hen night... Brighton
28 Nov 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Quick Fire Buzzer Round

Later in the year, my teams and I were to receive a warm welcome from the people of Glasgow. The city we see today grew up in the 18th century, becoming Scotland's major port for trade with the New World. Sadly, rapid decline followed with the American War of Independence, when the revolutionary colonists heroically fought the British Redcoats...to rid themselves of awful holiday camp comedians.

(before the Quick Fire Buzzer Round round)
1998 Christmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
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Quite Obvious

[ Now it's not often, you know, that one has the opportunity to announce a new round which is completely fresh and wholly original, and tonight is no exception...

(before the Quite Obvious round) Not broadcast]

Haymarket Session 1
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Quotations

Next up it's the Quotations round. This is played in tribute to the long-running 'Quote-Unquote' programme, which we all find 'Quote-Unquote' highly amusing. I've brought along a selection of recordings of well-known public figures who've all been rudely interrupted in mid flow, and I'd like to thank the staff of the 'Today' programme for kindly supplying the tapes... 30th Anniversary Special
13 Apr 2002
It's time to raise the tone now, with our literary round of Proverbs & Quotations. The renewed currency of many older sayings makes a fascinating study, as the living language adapts to modern requirements. For example, the old expression 'The road to heaven is paved with good intention' could have been tailor-made for London's gay club scene, while in France 'Horses for courses' is the motto of the Guild of Restaurant Chefs, and of course the phrase 'There's worse things happen at sea' will ring especially true for anyone who had to sit through the film Titanic... Cardiff
21 Dec 1998
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Quote Unquote

The next round is called Quote Unquote, and is played in tribute to the long-running radio quiz which is hosted by Nigel Rees. As all the show's regular listeners will know...hang on I misread that...hosted by Nigel Rees. As all the show's regular listeners will know each other personally, they'll need little by way of explanation... Malvern
18 Nov 2002
The next round is called Quote Unquote, and is played in tribute to the long-running radio quiz which is hosted by Nigel Rees. As all the show's regular listeners will know...hang on I misread that...hosted by Nigel Rees. As all the show's regular listeners will know each other personally, they'll need little by way of explanation... ISIHAC 7, Side 3
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Radio Through The Keyhole

It's high time we played Radio Through The Keyhole. Despite what might be infered from the name, this doesn't involve shoving a wireless set through a small hole, although anyone who's met the controller of Radio 4 recently must have been sorely tempted. This is, in fact, a cunningly adapted version of the hit TV show where Loyd Grossman roots around someone's house giving clues, while a panel of experts make wild guesses as to which language he's using. Obviously the radio version can't have cameras snooping around people's homes, so instead I've had two cubicles mocked up exactly to replicate celebrity houses, and I can promise you, teams, absolutely no expense has been spent... Birmingham
28 Dec 1998
The next game is called Through The Keyhole, and is quite similar to the popular TV show of the same name, in that it's exactly the same. For anyone who hasn't seen the original - well done - but you may need to know that in Through The Keyhole the panel are shown the interiors of certain celebrities' houses, then at the end, the houses' owners are revealed and the team has to try to guess who the hell they are. In the original, Loyd Grossman described various household articles, which were also helpfully shown for any viewers whose first language is English... Leeds
22 Dec 2003
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Radio Times

Our first round is entitled Nativity Radio Times. Now it isn't widely known that the original listings magazine has been around since the 2nd century B.C. and was first published in Greece by the philosopher who lent his name to the title - Theradiotimes. Scholars of the history of 20th century broadcasting won't need me to tell them that it wasn't until the 20th century that Marconi devised wireless to promote his famous pasta dish, and Logie Baird constructed a television set with the help of his little friend Booboo... 1999 Christmas Special
25 Dec 1999
Our first round is entitled Nativity Radio Times. Now it isn't widely known that the original listings magazine has been around since the 2nd century B.C. and was first published in Greece by the philosopher who lent his name to the title - Theradiotimes. Scholars of the history of 20th century broadcasting won't need me to tell them that it wasn't until the 20th century that Marconi devised wireless to promote his famous pasta dish, and Logie Baird constructed a television set with the help of his little friend Booboo... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Ready, Steady, Hell's Kitchen

That went well. Off we go onto another game...hang on, wait a minute, wait a minute...I'll say that again. That went well off. We go onto another game. The game is called Ready, Steady, Hell's Kitchen. I see I'm required to assume the rôle of Angus Deaton, so while two prostitutes and a kilo of cocaine are delivered to my dressing room, I'll explain how it works. This is a game of competitive cookery. Cookery shows are all the rage these days, with hosts such as Ainsley Harriott who, I notice, seems to have changed a bit since the days when he was in All Creatures Great And Small... Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
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RealKu

Now, I can't help noticing the popularity of a game called Sudoku (though my God, I've tried). This is the game found in the national dailies, where you have to fill in a grid with all the numbers from 1 to 9, except in The Guardian, where you fill in the numbers from 1 to F. It seems Sudoku will all but wipe out traditional newspaper games such as The Telegraph's cryptic crossword, in which you have to solve such brainteasers as: Erasmus enigmatically produces viscoral callisthenic, 18 letters, to win a book token, or The Sun's: Furry animal that miaows, 3 letters, first letter 'C', last letter 'T', middle letter 'A', which if a Sun reader gets it right, wins them a speedboat. Rather than Sudoku, the teams are going to play the original version, known as Realku... Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
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Rejected Opening Lines

[ OK, we begin with a round called Inadvisable Opening Lines, which is all about opening lines that would never appeal to the public. One obvious example is: "OK, we begin with a round called Inadvisable Opening Lines"

(before the Rejected Opening Lines round)
Not broadcast]
Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
OK, we start this week with a round of inadvisable openings, in which the teams suggest Rejected Opening Lines for various books, films etc. which, had they been allowed to remain, would have spelt imminent disaster. One that springs immediately to mind is: OK, we start this week with a round of inadvisable openings... Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
[ OK, we start this week with a round looking at the world of literature. All truly great literary works require a good opening line, but what of those that were rejected? Following initial poor reviews, Agatha Christie eventually decided to remove her original first line of The Mousetrap: "I'm sergeant Chopper, and I did it." We mustn't tell anyone!

(before the Rejected Opening Lines round)
Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
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Resignation Letters

OK, let's try another round, and I know our audience will whoop with joy when I tell them that the teams are going to write Resignation Letters, and gasp in disappointment when I tell them the letters aren't their own. In our modern fast-moving world, companies often retain high flyers in their jobs with large contract bonuses. In fact our own Barry Cryer was once tied to a post by 'golden handcuffs'...at least that was how he was discovered during the police raid... High Wycombe
11 Dec 2000
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Restaurant Waiters

Our next round looks at the fascinating world of the Restaurant Waiter. What a skilled profession that is. Surely no other job requires the ability to spot two people coming into a restaurant at lunchtime, sum up the situation in an instant, and say: "Table for two?" Mental arithmetic is an absolute must. Only last night, the teams kindly took me out for a surprise birthday dinner, and our waiter easily coped with dividing seven pounds thirty by five... Stoke-on-Trent
05 Jun 2000
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Robot Celebrity Interviews

OK, in the next game, the teams are going to asume the roles of TV chat show hosts like Davina McCall, who's recent series I was saddened to see... Hang on...there should be a bit more than that. Oh no, there isn't. [ Now, when it was announced that the teams would be inviting celebrities to be interviews, all the top stars from stage, screen and TV were immediately queing up to decline. One who did accept was the explorer Sir Ranulph Twistleton-Wykeham Fiennes. However, he sadly had to cancel to stay at home to take collection of a new washing machine. He hadn't actually ordered a new washing machine, but he couldn't convince the van driver that he'd got the wrong Sir Ranulph Twistleton-Wykeham Fiennes. Not broadcast]

(before the Robot Celebrity Interviews round)
Bristol
22 May 2006
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Russian Roulette

The teams are now going to bring to the show an element of mystery combined with danger, as they play Russian Roulette. I've been wanting to play this round for ages, so you can imagine my delight when, while clearing out the children's old dressing up box, I discovered my old service revolver and several rounds of live ammunition. Samantha has been specially cleaning and oiling the trusty old fellow, and I'm pleased to say it's now ready to shoot. Now I have to stress that under NO circumstances should this round be tried at home. Neither, for that matter, should any of the others... Hull
20 Dec 2004
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Salesman Of The Century

Moving on, we come to a new round called Salesman Of The Century, which has nothing to do with Nicholas Parsons...but then, who does? In it, I'd like the team members to take the roles of long-forgotten characters from history...(not much acting in that bit)... Best Of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
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Santa's Grotto

Now, no run up to Christmas would be complete without a visit to Santa's Grotto, which is the subject of our next game. I understand that the standard of grotto customer satisfaction can vary markedly. A four year old who asked for a cowboy outfit was given the Virgin Rail franchise, but had to refuse it as he was overqualified to run a public utility... 1999 Christmas Special
25 Dec 1999
Now, no run up to Christmas would be complete without a visit to Santa's Grotto, which is the subject of our next game. I understand that the standard of grotto customer satisfaction can vary markedly. A four year old who asked for a cowboy outfit was given the Virgin Rail franchise, but had to refuse it as he was overqualified to run a public utility... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Save The Word

[ Our next round is a brand new game called Save The Word. This is an educational game intended to encourge the imaginative use of the correct words in the correct context. All too often these days, one hears supposedly professional broadcasters misusing vocabulary, an error that in my opinion is tantamount to criminal negligee. You might have thought that in a game like this, our resident wordsmith Barry Cryer would be at an unfair advantage, but today he's carrying an injury, and might be a little off form. As Barry was making his daily trip to the bottle bank this morning [??] unfortunately he ruptured himself getting his stick off the lorry [??] Not broadcast] Bradford Session 1
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Scandals

[ That last round was OK. Sorry, I got a bit carried away for a moment...but not far enough. Not broadcast] We move on to a round looking at Scandals. The habit these days is to indicate a scandal by adding the suffix 'gate' in the style of the original Watergate affair. Last summer, Blue Peter misled their viewers about naming a cat, in what became known as "Kittengate", and now ITV have admitted misappropriating eight million pounds of viewers' money in what's become known as "We'reashamelessbunchofthievinggits- butaren'tgoingtodoanythingaboutitgate"... Manchester
26 Nov 2007
[ The next round is called Scandals, or to give it its subtitle: A history of weekly events under a Labour government. When it comes to modelling a game on government scandals we're currently spoilt for choice. Probably the most incredible was the loss of the personal details of 25 million people on a CD sent through the post. In future, Customs & Revenue will now use a foolproof method of preventing information from ever being accessed - they're going to leave the CD in the original packaging... Not broadcast] Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
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School Reports

Let's kick off with a round of School Reports. We all remember that feeling of dread as the end of year report had to be taken home for inspection by our parents. Tim was telling us earlier how his mother kept him off cream buns for a whole week after the headmaster wrote that he was 'Lazy, noisy, couldn't spell and was always cracking dirty jokes in class'. He went on: 'Brooke-Taylor is probably the worst English teacher the school has ever employed'... South Bank
19 Jun 2000
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Sci-Fi Scenes

This is all being taped you know. What a waste of perfectly good magnetism... I can't help but notice that the Science Fiction revival is all the rage these days. [ With the Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy movie, and Doctor Who back on TV, what a rare treat it is for fans of the futuristic 1970s. Of course, the great gimick of the time-travelling Doctor Who is his Police Box, which appears larger on the inside than it actually is on the outside. This is a technically brilliant special effect learnt from studying Barratt Homes' catalogue. Not broadcast] Actually, serious research scientists constantly grapple to achieve time travel. They should come and sit where I'm sitting. That'll take them back four or five decades for a start...

(before the Sci-Fi Scenes round)
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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Scissors, Paper, Stone

The next round is based on a very old children's game, and luckily we have four very old children to play it. It's called Scissors, Paper, Stone, and one wonders can that really be turned into amusing radio? Well, in a manner of speaking...no. Victoria Palace
04 Dec 2006
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Scrabble

OK, it's time we moved on. I've noticed that word games are all the rage these days, so I thought what a great idea it would be to play one on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, or as it's known to lovers of anagrams: Oily Nuns Have Cats In with two 'E's and an 'R' left over. And how true that is. Perhaps the most ingenious of these games is Richard Whiteley's marvellous Countdown show. As I tuned in the other day, the thought suddenly occurred to me that there ought to be a board game version of this, with letters on small plastic tiles, to be arranged to form words that score points based on difficulty and length; but what to call such a game? Well the teams put their heads together and came up with a specially made up original title to suit such a word game - so let's get on with a game of Cluedopoly and Ladders, or Scrabble as it's sometimes known.

(before the Scrabble round)
Birmingham
28 Dec 1998
Right, it's time for the next round. Last week, teams, I received a letter from an elderly listener who complained of finding many of the rounds hard to follow, and suggested that we played a good old-fashioned round like Scrabble. So impressed was I by the suggestion, that I immediately decided, in modern BBC parlance, to be "pro-actively and non-financially customer responsive", or as we used to put it "rip the idea off without paying for it... Leeds
11 May 1998
The teams are going to play a good old-fashioned board game now. Personally, my favourite as a child was Monopoly. What more innocent fun could there be than to enjoy a silly fantasy world, in which it's possible to buy up railway, gas and electricity companies for a song, with a view to massively overcharging the unsuspecting customer? [ But today's board game has a medical slant. Now they say that laughter is the best medicine, and I have to say that I shriek with laughter every time I ring my doctor to try to make an appointment... Not broadcast]

(before the Scrabble round)
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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Sexing Up

The first round is all about the dubious practice known as Sexing Up, when certain unjustified events are supported by wholly unsubstantiated claims. This round's going to be a humdinger... [ This type of spin was most famously employed before the recent invasion of Iraq, when our government was determined to support American forces by providing British Troops...for target practice. Not broadcast]

(before the Sexing Up round)
Eastbourne
01 Dec 2003
OK, we start with a round that looks at two regrettable modern traits - Dumbing Down and Sexing Up. [ Marketing tools are designed to attract a certain target audience, much in the same way as cars are produced to match the requirements of certain niche markets. For example, I notice that BMW now makes a four-by-four, thereby exactly meeting the needs of drug dealers who can't park. Not broadcast] Today, we're looking at classic books, plays, films and radio or TV programmes which I'd like the teams to make more attractive to that most elusive of marketing groups, the 18 to 35 year old male.

(before the Sexing Up round)
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Silent Punchlines

[ Before I introduce the next round, we'll just let the teams sit quietly and think about what they've done. In the next game, the object is for the teams to tell jokes without getting any laughs whatsoever. It's pretty much like every other round...except with jokes. In this game, the teams will be required to tell nothing but the punchlines to classic sure-fire winning jokes in complete silence. However, the teams will be doing well to replicate the stunned silence that greeted Barry last weekend, addressing the W.I. Clean Up TV Committee. Perhaps he shouldn't have spent quite so much time in the bar before telling the one about the bloke who went out to fly stunt kites in the Kent countryside...

(before the Silent Punchlines round)
Not broadcast]
Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Similes

Let's explore, now, the rich tapestry that is the English language. The game is a test of the teams' knowledge of Similes. Do you know, there are some ignorant souls who don't know the difference between a 'simile' and a 'metaphor'. Well, the difference is easy: a 'simile' is a figure of speech that expresses the resemblence of one thing to another by reference to an unrelated subject, whereas a 'metaphor' is a system of signalling using flags... Sheffield
11 Jun 2001
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Singing Relay

Well, let's liven things up with some music now. The teams are going to take turns to sing a song, alternating one word each at a time, in a round called Singing Relay. This shouldn't be confused with a similar game called 'Signing Relay', which we played just once. The teams sang songs suggested by the audience giving hand signals. It wasn't a success, and we never did discover what song was represented by seven hundred hands doing a knife-stabbing action... Reading
04 Jun 2001
As this was Olympic year, we couldn't let 2000 pass without playing a musical tribute to those fine athletes with our own round, Singing Relay. However, as in the real Olympics, shame has been brought upon us with several upsets: Barry & Graeme both tested positive for Philosan, while Tim was thrown out of the synchronised swimming team after he was asked to provide a sample...and did it from the top diving board... Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
The next round is a musical one related to the track event where young men run around in shorts passing each other a baton - it's called Singing Relay, and was developed from an old game called Stinging Relay, where young men ran around with nettles down their shorts, which thanks to one spelling mistake, explains how the Dock Leaf got its name... South Bank
26 Jun 2000
The next round is called Singing Relay. It's a team game in which each side will duet on a well loved song...I think that should read previously well loved song. This is a musical version of the Olympic sport known as the Relay Race, an event which can be traced back to ancient Greece. In times of war, athletically built young men would strip naked and chase each other round in circles, thereby hoping to avoid conscription... Woking
29 May 2000
We move on to a new music round now. I always think a snappy title is an indication of how good a new game will be, and this one is called It's A Four Part Singing Relay Knockout Competition Game Sans Frontier

(before the Singing Relay round)
Southport
20 Nov 2006
[ We move on now to a music round now called It's a Four Part Singing Relay Knockout. This is loosely based on the erstwhile TV favourite Jeux Sans Frontier, which its producers explained was designed to break down barriers and cement racial harmony between Britain and the Frogs and Krauts... The challenge is for four players to sing a song, each taking one word at a time. Players will be eliminated one by one, according to their level of incompetence, until only the winner is left. I know a shortcut to this one... Not broadcast] Victoria Palace
04 Dec 2006
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Situations Vacant

Our first round is called Situations Vacant. In the olden days teams, large organisations seldom bothered to advertise to fill jobs. For example, the navy used to send gangs of heavies into pubs, knocking hopeless drunks over the head, and forcing them to sail their ships. We might find that laughable, but it's a system that still serves British Airways whenever they're looking for pilots... Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
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Slogans

We move on now to a round that takes a look at the world of advertising, which has fascinated me for years. My all time favourite were those PG Tips adverts, which always had me howling with laughter; and what a disappointment the cinema version was. What did Charlton Heston think he was doing? No piano on his foot, and he never mentioned teabags once...

(before the Advertising Slogans round)
Bradford
27 May 2002
It's now time to take a look at the world of advertising. I'm particularly keen to see this round included as I've been fascinated by the new series of Royal Mail TV adverts, featuring the unique acting talents of Chris Tarrant and Elton John. As a result, I'm posting many more letters every day...mainly to the Royal Mail asking them what the hell they think they're doing throwing my stamp money away at multi-millionaires. If I need to write a letter, I'll post it - what in blazes do they think I'm going to do with a letter? Sellotape it to a carrier pigeon? Actually, now I come to think of it, that's not a bad idea - at least pigeons wouldn't sort out the second class mail and leave it in a cupboard for a fortnight. I don't suppose they'd practice penalty shoot-outs with my Christmas parcels either; and, what's more, pigeons don't hang about. I've seen continents shift faster than our postman. Whoops! I'd better be careful in case the Post Office know where I live! I've never seen any evidence of it so far...Anyway, some ads were destined never to catch the public imagination, and the jingle employed by Quilley's Throat Lozenges was a prime example: "When your throat is dry and sore, Go down to your chemist's store, Don't you all be silly billys, Get fast relief when you suck Quilley's."..

(before the Advertising Slogans round)
Bristol
17 Dec 2001
It's now time to take a look at the world of advertising. I'm particularly keen to see this round included as I've been fascinated by the new series of Royal Mail TV adverts, featuring the unique acting talents of Chris Tarrant and Elton John. As a result, I'm posting many more letters every day...mainly to the Royal Mail asking them what the hell they think they're doing throwing my stamp money away at multi-millionaires. If I need to write a letter, I'll post it - what in blazes do they think I'm going to do with a letter? Sellotape it to a carrier pigeon? Actually, now I come to think of it, that's not a bad idea - at least pigeons wouldn't sort out the second class mail and leave it in a cupboard for a fortnight. I don't suppose they'd practice penalty shoot-outs with my Christmas parcels either; and, what's more, pigeons don't hang about. I've seen continents shift faster than our postman. Whoops! I'd better be careful in case the Post Office know where I live! I've never seen any evidence of it so far...Anyway, some ads were destined never to catch the public imagination, and the jingle employed by Quilley's Throat Lozenges was a prime example: "When your throat is dry and sore, Go down to your chemist's store, Don't you all be silly billys, Get fast relief when you suck Quilley's."..

(before the Advertising Slogans round)
ISIHAC 7, Side 3
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Smugglers

[ In this next round, we're looking at the smuggling of alcohol and cigarettes. Not that we want to encourage drinking and smoking as it's well known they shorten the life span, so give up now and guarantee yourself that extra three years in a Bournemouth care home. In fact, there's been a marked increase in drug smuggling through our airports recently. There was even the unlikely spectacle of an 87 year old man dragged off for an intimate body search, who was found to be smuggling supositories...

(before the Smugglers round)
Not broadcast]
Cardiff
25 Jun 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Soap And Flannel

We move on swiftly to a brand new round called Soap And Flannel, which is all about soap operas and product placement. Soap operas were, of course, originally designed to sell soap powder, hence their name 'operas'. The advent of commercial television brought us 'ad-mag' programmes, where a genuine drama was created around any number of branded products - a practice we wouldn't normally encourage here on the Rolls-Royce of wireless shows. I know I'm not alone in finding a lot of modern advertising misleading. Only the other day I spotted an ad for Milletts, in which said they had 'really good camouflage jackets', so I went straight down there and couldn't find them... Darlington
26 May 2003
The next round is called Soap And Flannel, and it's inspired by the massive proliferation of soap operas already swamping our TV schedules. With so many of these real-life dramas on, you wonder how they manage to squeeze in any gardening or cooking at all. The round is very much about marketing and the promotion of brand names. Actually, it's quite interesting how many brand names have entered the language as generic terms. A vacuum cleaner is often refered to as a 'Hoover' which is a brand name, as is 'Jacuzzi', an Italian registered trade mark meaning somebody else's urine... Torquay
23 Jun 2003
The next round is called Soap And Flannel, and it's inspired by the massive proliferation of soap operas already swamping our TV schedules. With so many of these real-life dramas on, you wonder how they manage to squeeze in any gardening or cooking at all. The round is very much about marketing and the promotion of brand names. Actually, it's quite interesting how many brand names have entered the language as generic terms. A vacuum cleaner is often refered to as a 'Hoover' which is a brand name, as is 'Jacuzzi', an Italian registered trade mark meaning somebody else's urine... ISIHAC 8, Side 2
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Song Book

Well, it's very nearly the end of our show, but there's just time to squeeze in a round of Babies' and Toddlers' Song Book. Now, Barry Cryer may be at something of an advantage here, as he currently has his little grandson staying with him. Every morning, he's been strapping him into his buggy and wheeling him down to the park, where he likes to chase the ducks. The poor fellow says he's exhausted...pushing Barry around all day... Oxford
27 Jun 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Song Lyrics

OK teams, on with the games. As our special guest today is Phill Jupitus, we all agreed it would be a terrible waste if we didn't bother to come up with a new round to demonstrate his unique talent. Still, there you are, that's life...

(before the Complete Song Lyrics round)
Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
OK teams, on with the games. As our special guest today is Phill Jupitus, we all agreed it would be a terrible waste if we didn't bother to come up with a new round to demonstrate his unique talent. Still, there you are, that's life...

(before the Complete Song Lyrics round)
ISIHAC 7, Side 2
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Sound Charades

The next round is called Sound Charades. It's based on that great TV show 'Give Us A Clue' which has survived on our screens since the 1970's thanks to excellent production values, fine performances...and the spread of cheap cable channels. What consistently fine guests they have. A recent edition included: the woman who used to do that coffee commercial; a bloke who used to be married to someone out of Emmerdale Farm; Barman 3 from Lovejoy; and Lionel Blair...there's no mention of who he used to be... Woking
29 May 2000
It's now time for a game of Charades, the popular pastime frequently played at Christmas to while away the time once the festive season has begun in earnest; and my, how it livens up those long August evenings...

(before the Sound Charades round)
1999 Christmas Special
25 Dec 1999
Whoever said that the best pictures are on the wireless obviously never tried to watch High Noon on Radio 4...

(before the Sound Charades round)
Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
The next round is Sound Charades, where the teams demonstrate the full range of their acting skills...so stopwatches at the ready everyone... York
15 Nov 1999
Our next round is Sound Charades, where the teams promise to dazzle the audience with their miming skills. Personally, I doubt if the teams could dazzle them if they were fitted with halogen headlamps... Guildford
24 May 1999
It's now time for the teams to play Charades. This is the popular parlour game that produces gales of laughter by being performed in silent mime. Obviously for radio, our version differs in that the teams are allowed to speak, the idea being to make it easier for the listeners at home to understand where the humour is. This never seems to work in any of the other rounds...

(before the Sound Charades round)
Glasgow
07 Dec 1998
Charades is a popular, amusing and thoroughly entertaining parlour game requiring skill, imagination and a keen sense of fun...it therefore has no place in this programme. So instead we're going to play a subtle variation called Sound Charades, in which contestants provide clues to certain titles using only their mouths. It's not, of course, to be confused with the French version Charade Depardieu, in which contestants provide clues using only their noses... Southsea
01 Jun 1998
The teams are going to give full vent to their acting skills now, so if the BAFTA nomination committee's listening...you've got a chance to nip out and make a pot of tea...

(before the Sound Charades round)
Winchester
24 Nov 2003
That went off very well. Let's move on. Hang on, I've read that wrong. That went off. Very well, let's move on...

(before the Sound Charades round)
Leeds
08 Dec 2003
The next round is called Sound Charades and it's based on that wonderful old parlour game Charades. In our version the teams will take it in turns to enact the title of a well-known film, book or TV programme for the opposing team to guess, and since we're on the radio they'll be using a form of verbal miming and linguistic interplay known as 'speaking'... Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
OK, well it's now time to play a round of Sound Charades. This is similar to the old parlour game of Charades, in which the players mime film, book and play titles for the others to guess. However, in our version, as you probably know, the panellists are permitted the use of their mouths. Recently we experimented with a similar game called Smell Charades...but we were forced to evacuate the studio after Willy did Animal Farm... Best Of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
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Sound Effects

The next game is all about sound effects. Wireless has relied for many years on the sound effect to bring atmosphere to drama broadcasts, and we only have to hear "Chuff, Chuff, Chuff, Chuff, Chuff" to immediately conjure up the image of a steam train running past a small nudist colony; but how often have you thought it might be entertaining to create vocal sound effects? No, I thought not...

(before the Vocal Sound Effects round)
Bristol
10 Dec 2001
You know, when Barry and Graeme first became established in radio with the British Forces Network, an aspiring lance-corporal came to seek their advice. "Well Sir," they said, "The trick of broadcasting on the wireless is to imagine you're speaking to just one person." Actually, in their case, that hasn't ever been much of a trick...

(before the Sound Effects round)
Sheffield
18 Jun 2001
The next round is all about Sound Effects. These essential ingredients of radio production are often performed live using the most unlikely equipment. For example: dried peas are bounced on a small drum to represent rainfall; a sheet of thin steel is wobbled to replicate thunder; while large ball bearings are rolled on a tea tray to represent someone...rolling large ball bearings on a tea tray. When we hear the sound of a barrel being scraped, it's actually John Peel's guests talking about their amusing pets... Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
Well the next game is all about Sound Effects. The creation of wireless sound effects makes a fascinating study, but sometimes even the BBC's technical experts can make mistakes. It was recently discovered that the seagulls on Desert Island Discs aren't the type found in the South Seas. As a result, the programme had to be renamed Council Dump Records. [ Similarly, makers of The Archers are often accused of using birdsong from species that shouldn't be in this country due to migration, although listeners recently complained they could hear larks and swallows, they were told it was just Ruth Archer behind the cow shed... Yes???, good sound effect technology is an essential component to every high quality radio show...which explains why we don't have any. Not broadcast]

(before the Vocal Sound Effects round)
Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
I've just remembered that we've been Feng Shui'd. An expert came in and tried to improve the show by subtly repositioning the teams' chairs. Sadly, the teams noticed, and put them back in front of their microphones. The next round is all about theatrical drama. As something of a student of theatrical art, I've been recently examining the various theories of who really wrote Shakespeare's plays. [ There are those who believe the plays were actually penned by Ben Johnson in his spare time, but I can categorically prove that these theorists displayed hopeless ignorance, as my research reveals many of Shakespeare's plays were performed several years before Johnson was banned for drug taking at the Seoul olympics. These Not broadcast] Conspiracy theorists point out that there's no mention of Shakespeare's writings in his will, which bequeathed to Anne Hathaway only his bed on his death. Whereas in fact neighbours in Stratford said they distinctly heard him give her the complete works sometime before. [ There's even a theory that the only known portrait of Shakespeare is actually Queen Elizabeth I in her later years - but what about the moustache? Surely she would have shaved it off for the picture? Not broadcast]

(before the Sound Effects round)
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Special Offers

OK, the next round is all about the science and psychology of product marketing. To encourage us to make purchases, many retail chains are surreptitiously using smells. To make us feel hungry, supermarkets routinely have the aroma of baking bread permeating their stores, while Dixons fill their shops with hopeless farts, and just in case any of their staff do happen to be listening: "Ooh. Yes please. Of course I'd like to spend £400 on an extended warranty. Can you not see the label on my head which reads 'Complete Moron'?"...

(before the Special Offers round)
Buxton
09 Jun 2003
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Spell Check Songs

It's time for a musical round now, with Spell Check Songs, where certain song lyrics have been specially corrected by that fine facility available to users of home computers; and what a labour-easing boon spell check is, by saving us the trouble of going through our text manually and placing a wiggly green line under every seventh word. Whenever I type my own name, I'm safe in the knowledge I'm but a double mouse click away from becoming 'hump hairy little tune'... Bradford
20 May 2002
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Spelling Bee

We have a new round now called Spelling Bee. Spelling contests have long been popular in the United States, and thanks to recent films and TV shows, they're now catching on over here. There's even a new TV series hosted by Eamonn Holmes, who, I have to say, has really grown into the job... Ipswich
30 May 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Spoilsports

[ The next game is all about Spoilsports. {More of our}??? time seems to be institutionalised these days, with health warnings appearing on our favourite foods, and soon to appear on beer and wine bottles. However those warnings of an early death on cigarette packets seem to work. I once knew a chap in the army who never smoked again after he was offered a cigarette by his sargeant. He noticed the health warning Smoking Causes Premature Death, and declined. So the sargeant pulled down the chap's blindfold, and they shot him... Not broadcast] Southport
13 Nov 2006
Right, we move on now to our regular public information section on Health & Safety, a subject we all take very seriously. [ Barry Cryer, for example, recently read several reports on the effects of excessive alcohol consumption, and immediately gave up. He hasn't read a report in months... And Not broadcast] only this week we heard about the effects of the smoking ban in Scotland. Drinkers in Scotland wanting a cigarette now have to step outside to a miserable, cold, damp environment, knee deep in fag ends and litter - the North of England... [ But, is the nanny state going too far? You can't drink, can't smoke, can't eat chips, can't even ride a bike without wearing a crash helmet. They'll be telling me I'll have to give up bull-fighting next... Not broadcast]

(before the Spoilsports round)
Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Squeak, Piggy, Squeak

Right teams, I'd now like to introduce a wonderful old Victorian parlour game called Squeak, Piggy, Squeak that we loved to watch the servants playing when I was a lad. So, let's return to that innocent age when young boys in cloth caps bowled wooden hoops along with a stick, finely dressed gentlemen presented crinolined ladies with flowers in the street, and smiling chocolate box soldiers had their limbs blown off in the Crimea... Bournemouth
13 Nov 2000
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Stars In Their Ears

They say you should always quit while you're ahead, so let's...carry on with the next round, which I see is called Stars In Their Ears. This was adapted to suit the teams from TV's 'Stars In Their Eyes', where ordinary people of limited talent pretend to be famous celebrities. Not quite sure why it had to be adapted... Greenwich
06 Dec 1999
It's now time for a round called Stars In Their Ears. Now, this shouldn't be confused with the rather distasteful game called 'Stars In Their Rears', which involves having the signs of the horoscope tattooed in an inaccessible, horrible place...Croydon. This is the teams' tailor-made radio version of the TV favourite Stars In Their Eyes, where quite ordinary people pretend to be great performers. You can see why I said it was tailor-made... Nottingham
28 Jun 1999
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Straight Face

I see the next round is called Straight Face. The teams' task is to speak without ever making our audience laugh. I know they've been putting in a lot of practice for this one...'cos I've had to sit through it for thirty years... Leicester
03 Jun 2002
The next game is called Straight Face, where by failing to create amusement of any kind, the teams will enthral our audience...that's a laugh for a start! Actually, the derivation of this game is quite interesting. It all started when, as schoolboy choristers, Tim and Graeme had to curb their natural comedic ebullience at the Coronation. Everything was going quite well until a whole new genre of joke was invented, when Tim whispered "Where's the organ?", and Graeme wittily replied "Yes, it does!" After the laughter of the entire Abbey subsided, the pair were asked to leave for ruining what should have been a solemn moment, as the crown was placed on the head of our new King... Norwich
25 Jun 2001
Right, we have a game with a difference now. This is where the teams say things that are totally unfunny, and the thing that's different about it is that they're doing it deliberately. It's called Straight Face, and shouldn't be confused with a similar game called Straight Fake, which involves sticking pins into a group photo of the shadow cabinet, the winner being the player that picks out Michael Portillo... Bournemouth
13 Nov 2000
Well let's gloss over that with a game called Straight Face, where the teams will attempt to be as unfunny as possible...I think I detect a theme emerging. This is played most effectively by those not in the best of moods, so Barry Cryer might be at something of an advantage here. He's still fuming from the practical joke played on him earlier, when he discovered that some cruel prankster had cut all the ring-pulls off his lunch... Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
OK, the next round is called Straight Face. It's specially named in tribute to the wonderful audience we have here in the theatre. The object of this round is for our teams to take it in turns to come up with certain words on a given subject which will produce absolutely no laughter. The slightest titter, and that person is out...and that's not just out of the game, it's out of the theatre. Interestingly, the world record for this game is held by our own Barry Cryer, who once came up with 3438 consecutive words without evoking a single laugh in response. In fact, the feat is still spoken about by the West Ruislip branch of the British Euthanasia Society, for whom he was providing the after dinner speech... Windsor
27 Apr 1998
[ The point of the next game is for the teams to fail to get laughs. {??unreadable} point. Not broadcast] The next game is called Straight Face, in which the players should utter words which are completely devoid of any comedic content, with the object of rendering the theatre totally silent, apart of course from occasional loud snoring, in which case would someone please turn me over onto my side... This week, the teams' challenge is to recall the punchlines to famous old jokes, but without getting a laugh, which reminds me I heard a very funny joke at the end of Quote, Unquote last week. They said they have a 'Listen again' facility... Good one, Nigel! Southport
13 Nov 2006
[ Our next round is unique, as the object of this game is not to get laughs, as opposed to all the other rounds where not getting laughs is just an unfortunate consequence...

(before the Straight Face round) Not broadcast]

Haymarket Session 1
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Strip Poker

Before the next round begins, I have to say a brief word to listeners of a nervous disposition.
BOO!

(before the Strip Poker round)
Dartford
31 May 2004
...This game involves the teams playing cards. Luckily, Samantha is a qualified croupier, and often works at an exclusive Soho club, where gamblers pay top money to play roulette all day and poker all night...

(before the Strip Poker round)
Dartford
31 May 2004
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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SuperNanny

I can't help but notice the spate of child psychology programmes on TV at the moment, such as SuperNanny and House Of The Tiny Tearaways. There are so many programmes showing us how parents fail to cope with their little brats' tantrums, we'll soon have no need to visit supermarkets at all. It can be no coincidence that this kind of behaviour has increased since corporal punishment was outlawed in schools. In the first half of the 20th century, we all learned respect out of fear of the cane, and the only violent behaviour you saw then was restricted to two World Wars and the destruction of most of Europe... Ever mindful of the problems associated with modern-day parenting, I'll ask the teams to assume the role of Supernannies, and to provide expert answers to some frequently asked questions associated with child rearing. Actually, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor once worked as a child psychologist, but growing tired of the constant screaming fits and lack of toilet training...his employers sacked him...

(before the SuperNanny round)
Rhyl
20 Jun 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Superstitions

It's time now for a round called Superstitions. It's well known that actors are especially superstitious, and our own Tim Brooke-Taylor, thanks to carrying his lucky rabbit's foot, escaped with only minor broken arms, legs and ribs when he fell down a manhole, after tripping over a limping rabbit... Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Swanee Kazoo

It's time now for a musical round called Swanee Kazoo where the teams combine the soothful lilt of the swanee whistle with the startled chirrup of the kazoo. [ Yes, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' - two words that trip off the tongue together as easily as 'Sven' and 'Goran', 'Ulrika' and 'Jonsson' or 'How's' and 'Father', unlike that almost unutterable combination 'Colin', 'Sell' and 'Piano'... Not broadcast] Bradford
27 May 2002
It's time now for a musical round called Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the melifluous glissando of the swanee whistle with the croaky rasp of the kazoo. Yes, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' are two words that go together like 'cheese' and 'onion', 'prawn' and 'cocktail', 'smokey' and 'bacon' or 'overpriced' and 'disgusting', all the while remembering the words 'Colin', 'Sell' and 'Pianoforte' go together like 'Please', 'God' and 'Not again!'... Bristol
10 Dec 2001
It's time now for a musical round called Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the chirpy rasp of the kazoo. Ah yes - the swanee whistle and the kazoo - two instruments that go together like a horse and marriage... Wolverhampton
19 Nov 2001
It's time for another musical round now called Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine the soothing ululation of the swanee whistle with the startling rasp of the kazoo. Yes, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' - two words that go together as naturally as 'Marks' and 'Spencer'...or 'down' and 'toilet'... Norwich
02 Jul 2001
It's time for another of our occasional musical rounds, and it's called Swanee Kazoo. 'Swanee' and 'kazoo', two words that go together as naturally as 'Edward' and 'Sophie', or 'waste' and 'space'... Sheffield
18 Jun 2001
We have another musical round now called Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the ethereal delights of the swanee whistle with the impudent rasp of the kazoo. Yes, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' - two words that go together as naturally as 'Cannon' and 'Ball', 'Xmas' and 'Special' or 'scraping' and 'barrel' Reading
28 May 2001
The teams are going to perform musically for us now. The round's called Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the delicate trill of the swanee whistle with the chirpy buzz of the kazoo. Yes, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' - two words that go together as naturally as 'Cannon' and 'Ball', 'Little' and 'Large' or 'long' and 'forgotten'... High Wycombe
11 Dec 2000
It's time for another musical round now. This one is where the teams duet to combine the chirpy rasp of the kazoo with the ethereal ululation of the swanee whistle. Ah, 'swanee' and 'kazoo', two words that go together like 'Burke' and 'Hare', 'Humpty' and 'Dumpty' or 'Richard' and 'Judy'...

(before the Swanee Kazoo round)
Coventry
27 Nov 2000
Right, let's roll back the carpet and pump up the music for some hot rhythm now, with a round of Swanee Kazoo. What a great combination that is - 'swanee' and 'kazoo' - two contrasting words that go together like 'dull' and 'ditchwater', 'kiss' and 'death' or 'Nicholas' and 'Parsons'... South Bank
19 Jun 2000
We have another musical round now, and this time it's where the teams combine the gentle ululation of the swanee whistle and the gutteral rasp of the kazoo. 'Swanee' and 'kazoo' are two words that go together like 'bacon' and 'eggs', 'sausage' and 'chips', or 'hardening' and 'arteries'...

(before the Swanee Kazoo round)
Stoke-on-Trent
05 Jun 2000
We have another musical interlude now with the round called Swanee Kazoo. This is where we make merry music by putting together the swanee whistle, the kazoo and four comedians...not to mention Colin Sell on the piano (I wasn't meant to read you that bit incidentally - it was just a note to myself)... Woking
22 May 2000
I notice it's very nearly time to end the show, but not before we enjoy a special Christmas edition of Swanee Kazoo. 'Swanee' and 'kazoo' - two words that go together like 'peaches' and 'cream', just as 'Becks' and 'Posh' go together like 'thick' and 'thin' 1999 Christmas Special
25 Dec 1999
Well now it's time for us to continue with a musical round called Swanee Kazoo. This combines the rasping buzz of the kazoo with the soothing ululation of the swanee whistle. The juxtaposition of two such disparate instruments may seem an odd choice, but in fact they're as natural a combination as 'peaches' & 'cream', 'oysters' & 'champagne', or 'diarrhoea' & 'vomiting'... Is there no limit to the unlikely combinations that can be put together in the name of entertainment? Yes there is...'Colin Sell' & a 'piano'... Greenwich
13 Dec 1999
It's time now for a musical diversion called Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the soothing trill of the swanee whistle with the gutteral rasp of the kazoo. We should pause to thank those people who devote themselves to improving our lives with unlikely combinations: the tea lady, who adds dried leaves to boiled water and makes us a refreshing drink; the chef, who adds dried celery to walnuts to make us a Waldorf Salad; and the producer, who adds David Starky to a radio discussion and makes us...switch off Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
Time now for Swanee Kazoo, where we combine those most unlikely musical bedfellows the lilting swanee whistle and the rasping kazoo. History is littered with examples of diverse items being put together to make something new and surprising: if Michael Angelo hadn't put egg white and crushed beetles together, he'd never have had paint for the Cistine Chapel; if it hadn't been for the Chinese putting saltpetre and sulphur together, we'd never have got to enjoy chow mein snackpot; and it took Logie Baird's life's work in combining electromagnetic radio wave frequencies with the high electron cathode ray tube to pave the way for ...Pets Win Prizes York
08 Nov 1999
It's music time again with Swanee Kazoo. The swanee whistle and the kazoo may seem like an unlikely pairing, but they actually got together as naturally as 'ice' and 'skating', 'ballroom' and 'dancing' or 'barrel' and 'scraping'... Malvern
25 Nov 2002
Our next round is a musical one called Swanee Kazoo which is our salute to the time-honoured coupling of the kazoo's chirpy rasp with the swanee whistle's soothing lilt. Of course the history of popular music is littered with great partnerships: Rodgers had his Hammerstein; Lennon his McCartney; and Lloyd-Webber his photocopier... Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
On the world stage, U.N. inspectors were finally given the go ahead to fly to Iraq, and set off with their instruction manuals on how to spot secret installations and any imported weapons from rogue arms traders. They were looking for large concrete silos, converted chemical plants, and any suspicious equipment marked 'Made In Britain'. 2002 saw the introduction of great improvements to our musical round called Swanee Kazoo, but those in the Blackpool Grand who weren't wearing their complimentary ear defenders would have heard this previously unbroadcast performance... 2002 Christmas Special
30 Dec 2002
It's the famous Swanee Kazoo duet round now, teams. It may not be obvious to the untrained ear how the glissando style of the swanee whistle can blend with the rasping bark of the kazoo, but entertainment history is littered with the most unlikely couplings...and not all of them in Michael Winner's motorhome. Even less obvious perhaps is how they, in turn, can blend with the piano accompaniment of Colin Sell... Plymouth
14 Jun 1999
OK, time for more music now, with the teams displaying their instrumental duet skills, in a round of Swanee Kazoo, and what could make a better combination than the chirpy rasp of the kazoo with the ethereal trill of the swanee whistle...well, a handful of Mogadon and a pair of industrial-strength ear defenders obviously spring to mind, but we're going to play the game anyway... Guildford
24 May 1999
It's time now for a round called Swanee Kazoo. This combines the heady rasp of the kazoo with the ethereal trill of the swanee whistle, instruments both originating in the deep South of America, where they were much favoured on Mississippi steamboats such as the Robert E. Lee, the Ulysses S. Grant, before arriving in this rubbishy game... Glasgow
07 Dec 1998
We have another musical round now, with Swanee Kazoo, where the teams duet on the Swanee Whistle and the Kazoo. What once seemed an unlikely combination have become words that go together as naturally as 'Ant' and 'Dec', or 'Which' is 'Which'... Torquay
23 Jun 2003
It's time now for a musical diversion called Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the soothing trill of the swanee whistle with the gutteral rasp of the kazoo. We should pause to thank those people who devote themselves to improving our lives with unlikely combinations: the tea lady, who adds dried leaves to boiled water and makes us a refreshing drink; the chef, who adds dried celery to walnuts to make us a Waldorf Salad; and the producer, who adds David Starky to a radio discussion and makes us...switch off ISIHAC 7, Side 2
It's music time now, with a round called Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams perform duets combining the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the cheeky chirrup of the kazoo. What once appeared to be a hopeless mismatch is now a combination as natural as 'love' and 'marriage' or 'horse' and 'carriage', 'Brown' and 'Blair' or 'hate and 'guts'. Eastbourne
15 Dec 2003
[ It's music time again, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams duet to combine the ethereal glissando of the swanee whistle with chirpy rasp of the kazoo. 'Swanee' and 'kazoo' are two words that go together as easily as 'Cain' and 'Abel', 'First' and 'Equals', 'Prodigal' and 'Daughter' or 'never' and 'read'.
Not broadcast]
Leeds
22 Dec 2003
...We have another musical round now, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams perform duets to wed the cheeky rasp of the kazoo with the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle. A once unlikely combination, the words 'swanee' and 'kazoo' go together now as naturally as 'spit' and 'polish'...surely one of the worst crisp flavours ever devised... Another once unlikely combination is 'Colin' and 'piano', but they now get on together like a mouse on fire... Belfast
21 Jun 2004
[ It's music time again now, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine to provide the soothing glissando of the swanee whistle with the chirpy rasp of the kazoo. This once unlikely pairing now seems as natural as 'bubble' and 'squeak', or 'oily' and {??? unreadable}Not broadcast] Salford
05 Jul 2004
[ We move on now to another musical round with Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the melifluous glissando of the swanee whistle with the grating chirrup of the kazoo. These days, the words 'swanee' and 'kazoo' go together as naturally as 'weakest' and 'link' or 'switch' and 'off'. Not broadcast] Blackpool
09 Dec 2002
It's music time again, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams perform instrumentals duets to combine the emolient lilt of the swanee whistle with the jaunty rasp of the kazoo. Once an unlikely combination, the swanee whistle and the kazoo now go together as naturally as 'egg' & 'chips', 'sausage' & 'mash', 'chocolate' & 'pudding' or 'morbid' & 'obesity'... Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
[ Well, it's music time again, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the cheeky rasp of the kazoo. What once would have been thought an unlikely combination is now as natural a pairing as 'birds' and 'bees', 'gooseberry' and 'bush', or 'rumpy' and 'pumpy'...Not broadcast] Ipswich
06 Jun 2005
It's music time now, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the cheeky rasp of the kazoo. [ What once would have been thought an unlikely combination is now as natural a pairing as 'birds' and 'bees', 'gooseberry' and 'bush', or 'rumpy' and 'pumpy'... Not broadcast] Rhyl
20 Jun 2005
[ It's music time again, with the round called Swanee Kazoo. Once an unlikely combination, thanks to the teams' efforts, the words 'Swanee' and 'Kazoo' now go together as naturally as 'Tory' and 'leadership' or {???unreadable} and {???unreadable}... Not broadcast] Oxford
04 Jul 2005
[ It's music time again, with Swanee Kazoo. This is the round in which the teams combine the chirpy rasp of the kazoo with the emolient lilt of the swanee whistle. Once the most unlikely of pairings, the words 'swanee' and 'kazoo' now go together as naturally as 'pig' and 'poke', or 'under' and 'arrest'... Not broadcast] Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
It's music time now, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams perform instrumental duets combining the emolient lilt of the swanee whistle, with the buzz-saw rasp of the kazoo. Once an unlikely combination, the swanee whistle and the kazoo now go together as naturally as 'pig' and 'poke' or 'under' and 'arrest'... Harrogate
26 Dec 2005
It's music time again, with the round called Swanee Kazoo. This is the round in which the teams combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the cheeky rasp of the kazoo. What once would have been thought an unlikely combination are now words that go together as naturally as 'Ulrika' and 'Tom, 'Ulrika' and 'Dick' or 'Ulrika' and 'Harry'... Birmingham
12 Jun 2006
[ It's music time again, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine the chirpy rasp of the kazoo with the emolient lilt of the swanee whistle. Once the most unlikely of pairings, the words 'swanee' and 'kazoo' now go together as naturally as 'pig' and 'poke', or 'under' and 'arrest'... Not broadcast] London Palladium
21 Nov 2005
It's music time again now, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the startling rasp of the kazoo. [ Once considered the most unlikely of combinations, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' now go together as naturally as 'dog' and 'duck', 'horse' and 'hound' or 'Korean' and 'crisps'... That's a bit tasteless isn't it? The crisps aren't - I love 'em... Not broadcast] Halifax
26 Jun 2006
[ It's music time again, with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams perform instrumental duets combining the emolient lilt of the swanee whistle with the buzz-saw rasp of the kazoo. Once an unlikely combination, the swanee whistle and the kazoo now go togetherr as naturally as 'Tory' and 'leadership' or 'deckchairs' and 'Titanic'... Not broadcast] Brighton
05 Dec 2005
[ Well, ladies & gentlemen, they say you should always quite while you're ahead, so we carry on with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine the acetic rasp of the kazoo with the emolient lilt of the swanee whistle. Once the most unlikely of pairings, the words 'swanee' and 'kazoo' now go together as naturally as 'fox' and 'hounds', 'dog' and 'duck', or 'Korean' and 'lunch'... Not broadcast] Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
We have a musical round now, with Swanee Kazoo. This is the round in which the teams combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the chirpy rasp of the kazoo. What was once an unlikely combination, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' are now words that roll off the tongue together as naturally as 'slash' and 'burn', or 'urinary' and 'infection'... Sunderland
18 Dec 2006
It's music time again with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams duet to combine the soothing glissando of the swanee whistle with the chirpy rasp of the kazoo. What was once a most unlikely pairing, 'swanee' and 'kazoo' now go together as naturally as 'P's and 'Q's, or 'ladies' and 'lavatories'... London Coliseum
11 Jun 2007
[ It's music time again with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams skilfully combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the chirpy rasp of the kazoo. These days considered a natural combination, this was once thought to be the most inappropriate pairing of terms since Dr Spooner tried to greet Victoria Regina... Not broadcast] Cardiff
25 Jun 2007
It's music time again, with Swanee Kazoo. This is the game in which the teams perform instrumental duets combining the emolient lilt of the swanee whistle with the buzzing rasp of the kazoo. [ Once an unlikely combination, the swanee whistle and the kazoo now go together as naturally as 'chalk' and 'cheese', or 'terrible' and 'crisp flavour'. Not broadcast] These days considered a natural combination, this was once thought to be the most inappropriate pairing of terms since Dr Spooner tried to greet Victoria Regina... Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
OK, it's music time again with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams combine the buzzing chirrup of the kazoo with the immolient lilt of the swanee whistle. Once the most unlikely of pairings, the words 'swanee' and 'kazoo' now go together as naturally as 'global' and 'warming' or 'goodbye' and 'Norfolk'... Croydon
19 Nov 2007
[ It's music time again now with Swanee Kazoo. This is the game in which the teams combine the silky smooth lilt of the swanee whistle with the sandpaper rasp of the kazoo. What was once thought an unlikely combination are now words that roll off the tongue together as naturally as 'Pinky' and 'Perky' or 'hole' and 'pyjamas'... Not broadcast] Manchester
03 Dec 2007
It's music time again with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams duet to combine the soothing glissando of the swanee whistle with the cheeky rasp of the kazoo. Once an unlikely pairing, the swanee whistle and the kazoo now go together as naturally as teddy bears and public floggings... Peterborough
17 Dec 2007
There's just time however to fit in a round of Swanee Kazoo, in which we meld the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the rasping chirrup of the kazoo. Once a most unlikely combination, the words 'kazoo' and 'swanee whistle' now go together as naturally as 'trumpet playing' and 'magnetic sexual attraction'... Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
...It's music time now, with Swanee Kazoo, where the teams duet to meld the ethereal lilt of the swanee whistle with the cheeky croak of the kazoo. A once unlikely combination, the words 'swanee' and 'kazoo' go together now as naturally as 'spit' and 'polish'...surely one of the worst crisp flavours ever devised... ISIHAC 9, Side 3
It's music time again with Swanee Kazoo. This is where the teams play duets combining the emolient glissando of the swanee whistle with the cheeky rasp of the kazoo. [ Once an unlikely pairing, the swanee whistle and the kazoo now go together in the Nation's consciousness as naturally as 'off' and 'switch' or 'horn' and 'cordon'. Not broadcast] Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Swankers

...The next game is all about boasting, which is why it's called Swankers. [ The teams are famously inept at it, and in evidence now I have a cutting from the art critic of The Times which reads: Having witnessed their performance, I can promise you that you won't see a bigger bunch of useless swankers. Not broadcast] In this game, the teams take it in turns to be guests at a party, unashamedly boasting about something, which the succeeding guest has to outdo. When I honk my horn once, the teams have to change the topic of conversation; if I honk twice, it's the end of the round; and if I honk three times, it's the dodgy pork pie I had for lunch... Salford
28 Jun 2004
Awesome singing. Wait a minute, I've slipped a line there. It should have read: Mmmm. A bit of musical entertainment would have been nice...or some singing. The next round is all about boasting, which is why it's called Swankers. You know, if you're going to boast, it's best not to get caught out. Remember how Jonathan Aitken was caught swanking with his simple sword of truth and his trusty shield of fair play? Well he was later proved in court to be one of the most useless swankers ever... In this round the teams will take it in turns to be guests at a social function boasting about fascinating aspects of their lives...this shouldn't take long... Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
Our next game will involve our teams boasting about some impressive aspect of their lives. Hmmm, I'm not sure this has been thought through... Actually, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor will be at an advantage here, as he's just bought a huge old Victorian mansion which he claims is haunted. Tim says he's sometimes woken by the ghostly apparition of a woman in black, whose face is pulled into a fearsome rictus, her transluscent skinned stretched so taut to her skull that it hardly moves as she shrieks in wailing moans. We keep telling him not to fall asleep in front of The Weakest Link...

(before the Swankers round)
London Palladium
21 Nov 2005
The next round is all about boasting, with the teams taking roles as Swankers - typecast again! [ In the swanking round, the object is for us to learn the many interesting and impressive facets of the teams' lives, and the first thing we learn about the teams is that whoever devised this game has obviously never met them. Still, there's nothing wrong with fabricating the most enormous lies in the cause of making a round funny, and this round is very funny. There goes another one! Not broadcast] Actually, Barry Cryer will be at something of an advantage here, as he really does have something to boast about. Yesterday, Barry was driven to the dentist by his wife, and insisted he extract a bad tooth immediately. There was no time to waste on an anaesthetic as Barry needed to get to the off-licence before it closed. So, the tooth was pulled, and how brave Barry was in ignoring the excruciating pain as he helped the dentist to hold his wife down... Southport
20 Nov 2006
[ OK, the next game is called Swankers, and involves the teams boasting even to the point of lying. Still, there's nothing wrong with fabricating he most enormous lies in the cause of making a round funny, and this round is very funny. Ooops, there goes another one. Actually, Tim Brooke-Taylor already does have something to boast about, as he completed the London Marathon course this year in under two hours. Even Tim's not sure what gave him such speed, but it was either those months of training, or his new moped.... And Barry Cryer has something to be very proud of as his local pub has been renamed in his honour. Formerly known as the Kings Arms, it's now called the Wobbly Legs... Not broadcast] Sunderland
18 Dec 2006
...The next game is all about boasting, which is why it's called Swankers. In this game, the teams take it in turns to be guests at a party, unashamedly boasting about something, which the succeeding guest has to outdo. When I honk my horn once, the teams have to change the topic of conversation; if I honk twice, it's the end of the round; and if I honk three times, it's the dodgy pork pie I had for lunch... ISIHAC 9, Side 2
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Talking Turkey

Of all the components that go into making this time of year special, there are some essentials that shouldn't ever change. For example, an imitation tree can never match the real thing. A fragrant fir not only brightens the room for the festive period, it can be planted out in the garden to provide months of enjoyment as you watch it turn brown while you're digging pine needles out of the cat. But with the relentless march of commercialism, Christmas shopping isn't the same any more. Gone are the days when you could pick up a few boxes of walnuts, some dates, a couple of yoyos and a selection of sugared fruits and still come away with money in your pocket...shoplifting isn't what it used to be

(before the Talking Turkey round)
1999 Christmas Special
25 Dec 1999
Of all the components that go into making this time of year special, there are some essentials that shouldn't ever change. For example, an imitation tree can never match the real thing. A fragrant fir not only brightens the room for the festive period, it can be planted out in the garden to provide months of enjoyment as you watch it turn brown while you're digging pine needles out of the cat. But with the relentless march of commercialism, Christmas shopping isn't the same any more. Gone are the days when you could pick up a few boxes of walnuts, some dates, a couple of yoyos and a selection of sugared fruits and still come away with money in your pocket...shoplifting isn't what it used to be

(before the Talking Turkey round)
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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The News Quiz

On with the next round now. As we have Paul Merton with us today, not to play our version of Have I Got News For You would be a criminal waste of his unique talent...still, never mind. Instead, we have a great new idea - to play a radio adaptation which we'll call The News Quiz... Leeds
11 May 1998
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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The Today Programme

OK, so it's time to play our regular tribute to that bastion of public service broadcasting where standards of quality are forever held sacrosanct above all other considerations - Radio 4. OK, so I lied for comic effect... One show that goes from strength to strength despite all the recent changes is The Today Programme - ten minutes of top news and current affairs packed into three and a half hours of trails...

(before the Today Programme round)
Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Three Minute Musicals

[ In the next round, the teams are going to create a new musical. This is played in tribute to Ben Elton, the left-wing firebrand and scourge of capitalists, who teamed up with Andrew Lloyd-Webber to stage sell out productions. Musicals based on other entertainment media such as films or pop songs are all the rage at the moment. Billy Elliot tells the story of a poor working class lad from a northern mining village who dreams of dancing Swan Lake at Covent Garden. And what a fanciful dream that is...a northern mining village. The musical Mama Mia takes its inspiration from the songs of Abba. Back in the 70s, Bjorn and Benny wrote huge hits such as Gimme Gimme Gimme, Money Money Money and I Do I Do I Do I Do, despite both suffering a terrible stutter. In addition to Abba, many more musicals have been based on the songs of pop icons such as Madness and Queen. Unaccountably, one body of work has been - that of Rolf Harris.

(before the Three Minute Musicals round)
Not broadcast]
Harrogate
26 Dec 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Tossing The Penny

Right, the teams are going to play an ancient pub game now, called Tossing The Penny, still played today in several Norfolk pubs. This was a firm East Anglian favourite in the 18th century, and according to the government census of 1781, the county of Essex is recorded as having more world-class tossers than anywhere else in the Country. In Tossing The Penny, pennies, known as 'toss pennies' are cast at a hole, known as the 'toss penny hole', drilled in a chair, known as the 'chair with a hole in it'. The falling pennies are caught in a receptacle placed beneath the chair, known as the 'toss pot'. The game is best played with suitable heavy Victorian pennies, which the teams take from special sealed containers where they've lain undisturbed for years...known as their 'wallets'... Norwich
25 Jun 2001
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Trail Of The Lonesome Pun

Radio Four is constantly striving to improve its services to listeners. For example, during the recent election campaign, World At One was allocated an extra half hour to provide extended coverage of their technical difficulties. So, before the show, we asked our studio audience what single change might best improve Radio Four, and the result is now available: 3 percent pressed 'A', a live audience version of Quote, Unquote; 4 percent pressed button 'B', and got their money back; 2 percent thought the answer was 'C', delete as applicable; while the remaining 91 percent pressed button 'D', more trails. With this in mind, I'd like the teams to come up with some great new trails. In keeping with the current vogue, they should preview new programmes that were clearly developed around a clever title. Some cynics might even suggest that whole programme ideas have been run solely out of one simple piece of word play, but the teams will prove them wrong as they play our new game, called The Trail Of The Lonesome Pun... Ipswich
30 May 2005
Radio Four is constantly striving to improve its services to listeners. For example, during the recent election campaign, World At One was allocated an extra half hour to provide extended coverage of their technical difficulties. So, before the show, we asked our studio audience what single change might best improve Radio Four, and the result is now available: 3 percent pressed 'A', a live audience version of Quote, Unquote; 4 percent pressed button 'B', and got their money back; 2 percent thought the answer was 'C', delete as applicable; while the remaining 91 percent pressed button 'D', more trails.

(before The Trail Of The Lonesome Pun round)
ISIHAC 9, Side 4
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Translations

Our next game takes an educational slant, with a look at the French language. It's quite surprising how many common English phrases are of French origin. For example, there's the popular magazine showing photographs of celebrities at the dockside called 'O.K. Magazine'; our word 'cavalier' comes from 'chevalier', the French word for a cheap Vauxhall; and from the French term for ham soup, we get our common expression for a frightful actress...that's 'soup au lard'...

(before the French Translations round)
Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
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TV Seasons

That's very nearly all we've got time for in fact, but there is just long enough I think to play a round called TV Seasons. This round was inspired by those themed Channel 4 seasons that tackled taboo subjects. Explicit programmes have recently included drug abuse, weird culty religions, and non-stop kinky sex...and that's just one episode of Brookside... Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
That's very nearly all we've got time for in fact, but there is just long enough I think to play a round called TV Seasons. This round was inspired by those themed Channel 4 seasons that tackled taboo subjects. Explicit programmes have recently included drug abuse, weird culty religions, and non-stop kinky sex...and that's just one episode of Brookside... Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Unasked Questions From History

OK, we start with a round of questions that were never asked, but which, if they had been, might have changed the course of history, so teams, shall we just skip this and go straight to the pub? That's one that I should have asked in 1972. Thirty-four years - time certainly flies when you're having fun...or so I'm told...

(before the Unasked Questions From History round)
Bristol
22 May 2006
OK, this week we start with round one. It's all about questions that were never asked, but which if they had been, could've immeasurably improved subsequent events. An obvious example is "Why don't we skip this and go straight to the closing credits?"

(before the Unasked Questions From History round)
London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Undelivered Mail From History

OK, we start with a game called Undelivered Mail From History. This should prove most popular, although there's little hope of it becoming as popular as the one called Undelivered Mail From Reader's Digest... Windsor
27 Apr 1998
OK, we start today with a round about lost historical correspondence. [ Who knows how many vital pieces of correspondence have gone astray down the years? Well, my local sorting office for one. Not broadcast] Long before the age of e-mail and texting, there existed many ingenious forms of communication. In the 20th century, the Aldis Lamp was developed to flash morse code instructions between ships, with the result that one foggy night in December, a British destroyer found itself taking orders from the Bismark's christmas lights, and set off to attack the Y.M.C.A. Our knowledge of history is enriched by the private correspondence between the good and the great. One recalls the famous letter from Napoleon to Josephine on the eve of the Battle of Leipzig. As he desired [ to enjoy Not broadcast] her in a natural state, Napoleon implored Josephine not to wash until he got home...something he lived to regret when he returned from prison seventeen years later...

(before the Undelivered Mail From History round)
Harrogate
26 Dec 2005
[ OK, we kick off with a round about undelivered letters. Now even though Royal Mail boast their service has improved, it's actually nothing like as good as it used to be. Barry was telling as how, as a young lad towards the end of the War, he remembers the post arriving every morning at 8 o'clock sharp, despite the air raids. Oh yes, the postman wasn't going to let a few Zeppelins bother him...

(before the Undelivered Mail From History round)
Not broadcast]
Cardiff
25 Jun 2007
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Universally Challenged

It's time now for our version of the great college student TV quiz which has been retitled specially to suit our teams - it's called Universally Challenged... Guildford
24 May 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Vents In Practice

Now I know what the audience must be thinking: "Why aren't there more games combining the exact science of animal care with the skill of ventriloquism?" Well worry no more, as the teams will fill this glaring gap in the market with a great new game called Vents In Practice. Obviously in this age of political correctness, the unlimited fun afforded by the teams using live animals in ventriloquist acts is considered an undignified spectacle, so we won't be able to enjoy Tim Brooke-Taylor and Charlie the Chimpanzee doing their tribute to Peter Brough and Archie Andrews...besides Tim kept falling off the chimp's knee. His big hairy hand was a bit rough as well, which definitely upset the chimp... Greenwich
06 Dec 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Vets In Theory

People ask me every day: "Why aren't there more DIY and gardening programmes on TV?", to which I say: "The question you should be asking is 'Why have vets and sick animals been overlooked for so long?'" Well in fact there are one or two programmes devoted to the subject, but the BBC puts them on when no-one is watching...every night between 7.30 and 9...

(before the Vets In Theory round)
York
08 Nov 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Welsh Proverbs

The teams are going to take a look now at some Welsh proverbs, in the round called Welsh Proverbs. [ Most countries have their own proverbs providing guidance to suit their national traits. For example, in Sweden they have the maxim "Where there's muck, there's a video shop", while from France we learn that "Horses for courses" is a menu, and back home in England, I can't tell you how delighted I was when my muckle misery was so easily relieved simply by obtaining many a mickle... Not broadcast] Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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What Is Time Mr. Woolf?

OK, well as we're in Greenwich today, we thought we'd try a brand new puzzle game tailored to suit this historic setting. It's called 'Try parking your car here on a Sunday'. Obviously that proved almost impossible, though we did eventually stumble across a handy parking space by the station...in Maidstone. So instead, we're going to play a game all about time. Time is a strange abstract concept which, it was assumed, always travelled at a uniform rate, until Albert Einstein that time actually slows down markedly when you fly into space...or listen to 'The Moral Maze'. The game is based on the old favourite 'What's the time, Mr. Wolf', a simple and enteraining pleasure in which young children are threatened with being eaten by a large predatory canine wearing a wristwatch...

(before the What's Is Time, Mr. Woolf? round)
Greenwich
06 Dec 1999
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What's My Line?

OK, we have a special treat now - something that's known in broadcasting circles as a 'landmark event'. The game is a celebrity version of What's My Line, the ertswhile popular TV show, where panellists try to guess the occupation of a guest who could reply to questions only with 'Yes' or 'No', so, for example, if the answers to the questions 'Do you like meeting people', 'Does your job require a lot of training' and 'Do you know anything at all about hi-fi' were all 'No', then the guest was obviously a sales assistant in Dixons... 2001 Christmas Special
24 Dec 2001
OK, we have a special treat now - something that's known in broadcasting circles as a 'landmark event'. The game is a celebrity version of What's My Line, the ertswhile popular TV show, where panellists try to guess the occupation of a guest who could reply to questions only with 'Yes' or 'No', so, for example, if the answers to the questions 'Do you like meeting people', 'Does your job require a lot of training' and 'Do you know anything at all about hi-fi' were all 'No', then the guest was obviously a sales assistant in Dixons... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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What's The Link?

The next game is called What's The Link? I'll present the teams with a series of names from various list-based trivia books which I have had thoroughly researched, and shamelessly pillaged. The teams should try to guess what these people have in common. So, for example, if I were to list Gordon Brown, Charlotte Green, Lionel Blue and Cilla Black, the teams would immediately work out that they were all named after snooker balls... Buxton
16 Jun 2003
The next game is called What's The Link? I'll present the teams with a series of names from various list-based trivia books which I have had thoroughly researched, and shamelessly pillaged. The teams should try to guess what these people have in common. So, for example, if I were to list Gordon Brown, Charlotte Green, Lionel Blue and Cilla Black, the teams would immediately work out that they were all named after snooker balls... Best of ISIHAC 2003
29 Dec 2003
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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What's The Question?

It's time now for the next round, which is a backward general knowledge quiz. It's called What's The Question? In this round, the questions are the answers to questions, and the teams have to answer with the questions to the answers. This is a lateral thinking exercise of the type devised by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle for his Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson characters - an obvious pasttime for two men who share a West End flat as they sit around in tassled caps and silk dressing gowns. For example, Holmes might say "I deduce the answer to be a limping Scotsman in gumboots on a muddy slope in the Hindu Kush, reading the Times obituary column", and Watson, as quick as a flash would say: "Holmes, have you been at the opium again?"... Coventry
27 Nov 2000
We go on to an educational round called What's The Question. In this round the teams will be playing a reverse form of general knowledge, where I provide an answer and they guess what the question might have been. So, for example, if the answer is "Because it was there", the question was obviously "Why did Barry Cryer go to the pub?"... Southsea
01 Jun 1998
Time now for a round called What Is The Question?. This game is not to be confused with the amusing party game played by French philosophers, entitled What Is A Question?. For those of you who've never been to a party with French philosophers, they are fun people - very fond of party games. Favourites include: I Spy Therefore I Am; Deconstruct The Parcel; and, of course, Pin The Tail On The Externalised Image Of The Long Eared Quadruped... Leeds
18 May 1998
[ Right, next up it's the general knowledge quiz. This is our version of that age-old wireless favourite Brain Of Britain, a show that stands as a monument in the halls of broadcasting fame. How wise of the BBC, just for once, to stick determinedly with a tried and tested formula, although, if I may be so bold as to level one small criticism, personally I think it's time they stopped playing out with "God Save The King". It seems to have become the fashion these days to tinker about pointlessly with perfectly good shows, simply for the sake of it, a fashion which, through sheer idleness and a total lack of inspired originality of thought, we're more than happy to follow...

(before the What's The Question? round) Not broadcast]
Blackpool
09 Dec 2002
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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What's Your Game?

[ Now we have a round called What's Your Game?, in which the teams will play some parlour games. As children, we often used to play Battleships, and became so skilled, we even travelled to play international matches, once winning the European Under 16s Battleship Cup Final. What a glorious day that was at Scapa Flow. However, in another field, shame was brought upon our family when grandmother was disqualified for cheating, after she became All England Blinking Champion. Having not blinked for the entire three hour tournament, the judges discovered she'd infringed the rules...by dying in her chair just before it started... Not broadcast] Brighton
28 Nov 2005
[ OK, this next round will be of interest to listeners with young children. Incidentally, we were discussing the smacking debate earlier. You know, I remember nanny repeatedly pulling my trousers down to give me a good smack on the bottom, and it never did me any harm, although it did make me late getting here this afternoon...

(before the What's Your Game? round)
Not broadcast]
Manchester
26 Nov 2007
OK, this next round will be of interest to listeners with young children. Incidentally, we were discussing the smacking debate earlier. You know, I remember nanny repeatedly pulling my trousers down to give me a good smack on the bottom, and it never did me any harm, although it did make me late getting here this afternoon...

(before the What's Your Game? round)
Manchester
03 Dec 2007
OK, this next round will be of interest to listeners with young children. Incidentally, we were discussing the smacking debate earlier. You know, I remember nanny repeatedly pulling my trousers down to give me a good smack on the bottom, and it never did me any harm, although it did make me late getting here this afternoon...

(before the What's Your Game? round)
2007 Xmas Special
24 Dec 2007
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Where Am I?

We move on now with a round called Where Am I?...sorry, that was just a flashback, I was miles away, but by a fantastic coincidence I notice this round is actually called Where Am I? In this round, I'd like each team magically to transport me to a mystery location by the use of mere sound effects alone, and when I say sound effects, I don't mean those new sound recordings so popular today, oh no no no no no. Each of the sounds the teams produce should be created the old fashioned way, either manually or orally, with the aid of selected items from the BBC radio sound effects cupboard. To heighten the experience for myself, I've asked Samantha to tie something tightly round a prominent part of my body...my HEAD! It's this blindfold... Greenwich
06 Dec 1999
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Who Gets The Sixpence?

It's time now for our next round, which is called Who Gets The Sixpence?. As you'll appreciate, no yuletide celebration would be complete without the usual accompaniments of gently roasted nuts, a plump bird, and a good stuffing... 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Who Wants To Be A Milliner?

Our next game is inspired by TV's Who Want's To Be A Millionaire?, and that's 'inspired' in the sense of 'Ali Baba And The Forty Inspirers'. I'm fascinated by the program, but I expect like me you occasionally find yourself shouting 'Idiot!' at the screen and wondering how on earth such a witless imbecile managed to get on the show...then he introduces the contestants...

(before the Who Wants To Be A Milliner? round)
Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Who Wants To Be In Finistaire?

We move on to our next round which is a tribute to that surprise TV success 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. It's the general knowledge quiz hosted by Chris Tarrant where obscenely large amounts of cash can be carried off nightly by some lucky individual with no obvious talent, chosen quite arbitrarily...called Chris Tarrant. In our specially adapted Radio 4 version of the big money quiz, our lucky contestants get a chance to win up to a million...in the South American currency of their choice - up to the maximum sterling equivalent of a fiver. They simply have to answer a series of questions relating to the shipping forecast, so let's play Who Wants To Be In Finistaire?... Guildford
24 May 1999
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Whose Baby?

We're going to have a round now which I've adapted from the erstwhile popular TV programme called Whose Baby? That was the show where the children of a celebrity of the time, say Britt Ekland for example, would line up and provide clues, and then she'd try to remember who their fathers were. The Whose Baby? 1970's format looks a bit tired now, and was only ever designed to work on down-market commercial television; and that's not all that makes it ideal for the new Radio 4 schedule... Glasgow
30 Nov 1998
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Whose Dustbin?

We have an interesting new round now, with a game called Whose Dustbin?. [ {??? unreadable} as if we didn't have enough rubbish on the radio anyway. Not broadcast] I've specially commissioned a team of researchers to take the dustbins from outside the homes of certain celebrities or organizations, [ all the while making sure that every single piece of rubbish stayed inside the dustbin. Are you listening, Barnet council? Not broadcast] The object of the game is to identify the bin's owner by carefully examination of its contents. Actually our own Tim Brooke-Taylor may be at something of an advantage here, as he spent some time working for Reading council as a dustman researching his next role...as a dustman for Reading council... Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Without Prejudice

[ Our next round is adapted from the popular TV game show Without Prejudice, a format whose ease of understanding is surpassed only by its ease of theft. The show is loosely based on our judicial system of cross-examination, so our very own qualified lawyer Tim Brooke-Taylor will be at something of an advantage. Tim was telling us earlier of a case he took as a young barrister when his client was up on a charge of receiving stolen goods...after he was given Jimmy Tarbuck's joke book. Incidentally, Barry Cryer was also recently called to the bar...after it was found he'd left his teeth in the ashtray. Not broadcast] Salford
28 Jun 2004
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Word For Word

The next game is called Word For Word, and it's all about words. This round is virtually tailor-made for our resident wordsmith Barry Cryer, who was the very first Word For Word champion in 1972 - an important time for him in many ways, as that was also the year he proposed to his wife. Following a long evening in a country pub, Barry picked up the courage to pop the question, and, carried away by the romance of the moment, even got up on one knee... 30th Anniversary Special
13 Apr 2002
The next round is called Word For Word, in which one team will exchange a series of random words. It's a bit like 'Start The Week', except the teams might occassionally use words we've actually heard before... Brighton
26 Nov 2001
We have an old favourite now called Word For Word, and I've just two words to say to our audience in preparation for this game - 'Sleep', 'Tight'. The game is played by two members of each team exchanging a random series of words which must have no discernable connection in any possible context, so if the words 'Conservative' and 'Government' were followed by 'This' and 'Century', then that would be perfectly acceptable... Wolverhampton
19 Nov 2001
We have an interesting game of oral dexterity now, called Word For Word. Each team takes turns to exchange a random series of words between the two of them. If the opposing team spots a connection between any of them, they may buzz to challenge. So for example, imagine 'gibberish' followed by 'rubbish' and you'll have a pretty good idea of what's involved. If a challenge is upheld, play passes to the opposing side and so on...until I wake up... Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Time to move on to a game called Word For Word. This is where one team attempt to utter a series of completely unconnected words, while the opposing team can challenge if it detects a connection. So, for example, if the words 'Lady' and 'Thatcher' were followed by the words 'grip' and 'reality', that would be perfectly acceptable... Plymouth
07 Jun 1999
OK, we arrive now at the moment when the teams play that old favourite Word For Word. It's where the teams speak a random series of words which have no apparent connection to each other, and can't be construed to have any valid logical linguistic meaning or purpose. By the way, for anyone who just tuned in and only caught that last bit, this isn't Round Britain Quiz... Cardiff
21 Dec 1998
Now, we move to the next round. By the way we've had a lot of letters from listeners asking "Is Tim Brooke-Taylor?" I've been asked to reply "Yes, but not necessarily in that order"...

(before the Word For Word round)
(d?)
13 Jun 1972
[ The next round is called Word For Word, and it's a game about...words. This is where each team member takes it in turn to exchange a series of words which have no known connection whatsoever, so if the word 'bush' was followed by 'brain', that would be perfactly allowable. Not broadcast] Salford
05 Jul 2004
[ Our next game is called Word For Word, in which each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words which should have no connection; but how often does our audience wonder what a fascinating derivation this game must have? No, me neither, but I've got it here anyway. In fact, the game was originally played in the Middle Ages on religious feast days such as Shrove Tuesday, Good Friday, Sheffield Wednesday and Chocolate Ice-Cream Sundae. It then dropped out of favour, before reappearing about 1800 in the Lake District as a training tool for aspiring poets, known as Wordsworth For Wordsworth. It was this legacy that inspired many of our greatest poets, and one has to wonder if it wasn't for this game whether the words "If I should die, think only this of me" would ever have flowed from the pen of Rupert Bear... Not broadcast] Blackpool
09 Dec 2002
The next game is called Word For Word. Now even though this is a word game, it makes great physical demands on the players who've all been training rigorously to become match fit. Graeme, Linda and Tim all decided to build up their stamina by taking up fell walking, while Barry has been rambling since 1972. [ I even notice that a revamped version of Call My Bluff is back on our screens. That's where they display obscure words which people can only guess at. {??? unreadable} the names of the celebrity guests... Not broadcast] Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
This game is called Word For Word. I'm going to ask the teams to string together some totally unconnected words...so, no surprises there... 03 Feb 1990
[ The next game is called Word For Word, and it's a game all about words. In Word For Word, team members exchange a series of words that should have no obvious connection, so if the words 'you' and 'yours' were followd by 'dull' and 'ditchwater', that would mean instant disqualification... Not broadcast] Tunbridge Wells
17 Jan 2005
[ The next round is a word game called Word For Word, and it's a word game. In Word For Word, team partners exchange a series of words which have no obvious connections, so if the words 'you' and 'yours' were followed by 'dull' and 'ditchwater', that would mean instant disqualification... Not broadcast] Ipswich
06 Jun 2005
[ The next game is called Word For Word, and it's a word for word game. This is a game in which each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words which should have no possible connection, so if 'Round Britain Quiz' was followed by 'Anyone', we'd all be amazed... Not broadcast] Rhyl
20 Jun 2005
[ The next round is a word game called Word For Word, and it's a word game. This is where the players in one team take turns to utter a series of words which should have no discernable connection, while the other side try to spot a transgression. So if, for example, the words 'you' and 'yours' were followed by 'dull' and 'ditchwater', that would lead to immediate disqualification... Not broadcast] Oxford
04 Jul 2005
Right, the paint should be dry by now. How do you follow that? In fact, did anyone follow that? The teams are now going to play the game called Word For Word. This is the game in which players on each side take turns to exchange a series of words which should have no possible connection, so for example, if two words such as 'lift' and 'shaft' were heard, that would be disallowed as they together make a stage direction on a low-budget Dutch video release... London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Let's calm things down now with a round of Word For Word. This is where each team takes it in turn to exchange a random series of totally unconnected words. If the opposing team spots a connection, they should challenge to take over play. For example, if the word 'horses' was followed by 'courses', that would be disallowed as they can combine to make 'Horses for Courses', which is a well-known French restaurant... Brighton
28 Nov 2005
[ We call the next game Word For Word, as it's a word game. You know, I'm fascinated by words and how differently they can be used to express quite complex issues, such as 'Dark Matter' for example. According to my Daily Telegraph, unlike ordinary matter, dark matter is not made of protons and neutrons, has no charge, and contains 1023 particles per cubic centimetre, whereas according to the Daily Star, Chantelle denies she's had a boob job... Not broadcast] Bristol
29 May 2006
We call the next game Word For Word, [ as Not broadcast] it's a word game. You know, I'm fascinated by words and how differently they can be used to express quite complex issues, such as 'Dark Matter' for instance. According to my Daily Telegraph, which I glimpsed this morning when I was pouring litter into the cat tray, dark matter is not made of protons and neutrons, has no charge, and contains 1023 particles per cubic centimetre, whereas according to the Daily Star, Chantelle denies she's had a boob job... Halifax
26 Jun 2006
Well, that really livened me up. You can't beat a short nap at this time of day. The next game is called Word For Word, and it's a word game. This is the game in which each team takes it in turn to exchange a random series of meaningless words, so it's a bit like In Our Time, but without the stupid hairstyle. The object here is to prevent the opposing team from being able to make any logical connection, and we'd like to thanks Virgin Trains timetable department for their kind help in the making of this programme... London Coliseum
11 Jun 2007
Well! It's doesn't get any better than that! Never mind... The next game is called Word For Word, and it's a word game all about words. This is where one team alternates a random series of words which should have no connection to each other. So, for example, if the words 'Liberal' and 'leadership' were followed by 'give' and 'toss', that would be perfectly acceptable... Croydon
19 Nov 2007
The next game is called Word For Word,and it's a word game all about words. One team should start by taking it in turns to exchange a random series of words which must be totally unconnected. For example, if the words 'fat' and 'duck' were followed by 'diocalm' and 'immodium', it wouldn't do... Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Worst Sellers

Now, there's nothing worse than badly written English to really make my goat boil. I say that, because our first round is called Worst Sellers. Woking
22 May 2000
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Worst Things To Hear

We kick off this week with a game called Worst Things To Hear, and it's all about those little phrases you might inadvertently overhear, and immediately wish you hadn't. One that instantly springs to mind is: "...and now an extended edition of You and Yours"... Wolverhampton
19 Nov 2001
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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