The ISIHAC
Postbag Page

Last Updated
19 Nov 2009

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, correspondence received by various means is read out, normally before the Mornington Crescent round. For some strange reason, a Mrs Trellis of North Wales seems to get preferential treatment when it comes to getting her letters drawn out of the postbag. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

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...but first I see we've received only slightly less than two cards this week, & it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Libby,
Many congratulations to the teams on their exciting news. I've just heard they've been offered long term contracts to appear exclusively on Sky...& hats off to the Highlands & Islands Development Board for giving them the opportunity!
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Guildford
31 May 1999
...but first I see we've been inundated by a card from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Dr. Clare,
So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene.
Stratford-Upon- Avon
09 Dec 1995
...but first I see we've been inundated by a card from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Dr. Clare,
So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene.
ISIHAC 3, Side 1
The mail bag is bursting with a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, in her capacity as chair of the Rhyl & District Naturalists Mornington Crescent Club. She reports on an interesting observation made while out with her binoculars. She writes:
 
Dear Stefan,
Tits like Coconuts!...but sparrows prefer breadcrumbs.
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis.
Harrogate
02 Dec 1995
I notice from my laptop that we have an e-mail from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who's visited our web site with some advice for young couples setting up home together for the first time. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Naughtie,
Ignore those trendies who say size isn't important. I believed that and then my new wallpaper fell off!
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.nwales.bracket//..co.uk/hinge/bracket
Northampton
30 Nov 1996
I notice from the pile in our Listener Reaction in-tray, that we've received almost two letters this week, including this one from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. Mrs. Trellis admits to becoming a little confused by the recent Radio 4 programme changes. She writes:
 
Dear Shula,
How awful they should both move The Moral Maze and change it's name. You can imagine my horror and dismay when I tuned in specially and found I hadn't missed it yet!
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
Windsor
04 May 1998
I see that while we were off the air, we received very nearly two letters, including this one from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who kindly wrote to say how much she enjoys Radio 4 now the changes have settled down. She writes:
 
Dear Jeremy,
I don't know how these moaning minnies can be confused by the new schedule. I, for one, am delighted to hear you Start the Week. They said no-one could replace that nicely-spoken Billy Bragg. They know nothing! If it's quality you want, Jeremy's the man, I say!
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
P.S. What a shame you had to leave You've Been Framed to take up the position.
Glasgow
07 Dec 1998
I see we've received nearly two postcards this week from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who sends another of her useful hints for couples setting up home together. She writes:
 
Dear Bamber,
It's never good policy to store tubes of superglue & vaseline in the same cupboard. If a young wife is in a hurry, it's all too easy to get them muddled up. I did once, and guess what happened...the broken spout fell off my teapot.
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
Brighton
28 Jun 1997
I notice from my in-tray that we've received literally a postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who sends here observations on Euro 96. She writes:
 
Dear Acker,
Hats off to the boy Gascoigne - he's done good. If the BBC had any sense, he'd be back chairing University Challenge, instead of that Jeremy Beadle.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Cheltenham
06 Jul 1996
...but first, I notice from the bulge in my in-tray, that a memo has been received from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, bemoaning thelack of traditional secretarial skills among young ladies today. She writes:
 
Dear Sir STROKE Madam STROKE Dale Winton SLASH ON NEW PAGE, (as appropriate),
Importance of good communications skills must UNDERLINED be UNDERLINED underlined UNDERLINED.Improved technique STROKE speed will be of great help to secretary STROKE boss.
Faithfully yours, Trellis, Mrs.
Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
...but first, I notice that, following the games recent return,our Listeners Comments mailbox was flooded to overflowing. The first card out of the hat is from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, and typifies the many hundreds of cards we receive each week...from Mrs. Trellis. She writes:
 
Dear Melvin
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES. Does Carol Vorderman's agent say nothing else?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.
Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
...but first, I notice that we've received a telegram from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. It reads as follows:
 
Dear Yehudi STOP
When does new Mornington Crescent season start STOP
With new Walkman radio, can listen on top of bus STOP
Enjoy show so much, often don't notice bus stop at stop STOP
However, find some of games a bit start-stop STOP
Trellis Mrs., North Wales
P.S. As ever, can't wait to hear teams singing STOP
Bath
14 Jun 1997
...but first, I notice that sitting next to the BBC Listener Reaction shredding machine, there's a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Miss Adie
If any listeners are fed up with those endless trails that keep appearing on the wireless, why not wipe them off with a damp cloth and put down slug pellets to stop the little blighters coming back.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.
Greenwich
13 Dec 1999
...but first, I notice from our Christmas Card postbag, that we've received an unusual number this year, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. Her card contains this seasonal greeting:
 
Dear Mumble
Mumble-mumble-mumble
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, President, North Wales Mumbling Society
1999 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1999
...but first I notice we've had an avalanche of correspondence this week. The letter comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Humphries,
Just a short note to say 'Just a short note'.
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
...but first I notice from our listener focus group in-tray that we've received almost 2 cards this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mrs. Antrobus,
Hats off to the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue boys. Their book of limericks is a great read, and such good value at under a tenner! It inspired me to write one myself, which I would love to hear read out loud for the very first time:
 
There was a young lady from Slough,
Who last year developed a cough,
She wasn't to know,
It would last until now,
Let's hope the poor girl will pull through.
Birmingham
04 Jan 1999
...but first I understand that since the series returned, our Mornington Crescent letter-line switchboard has been permanently jammed with a message. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who writes:
 
Dear Miss Adie,
Rain, Rain, Rain. Day in, day out, nothing but rain & then rain again. Does Her Majesty never take a holiday?
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
Cardiff
21 Dec 1998
...but first I notice from the bulge in our postbag this week, that another card has flooded in from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, with comments on her favourite show. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Duggleby,
Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great.
Yes, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great. Does that Delia Smith do nothing else all day?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Cambridge
14 Dec 1996
...but first I notice our mailbag has once again been flooded with a card from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who warns against the effect of an unhealthy diet. She writes:
 
Dear Melvin,
The doctor has told me I must stop eating a sweet after each meal. He said if I carried on much longer, we'd have no furniture left at all!
P.S. Who can forget Leeds 2 Liverpool 47. What a great road sign that was.
Liverpool
16 Nov 1996
...but first I notice there's a splendid card on the mantlepiece to mark the official re-opening of Mornington Crescent tube, sent to us by a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. Mrs. Trellis has taken the trouble to find the appropriate Gordon Fraser special occasion card. On the front it says "Happy Northern Line Underground Station Re-opening", above a picture of a vintage car with a set of golf clubs in it. Leeds
18 May 1998
...but first I notice from the duty log that we've received a letter of complaint from an irate listener, a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Kenton,
I was appalled on tuning in this morning to hear a torrent of blatant filth, with terms such as 'Big Bang', 'Large Firm Success', 'Satisfying Performance', & worst of all, 'Job Blows'. It was the most disgusting edition of the Today programme's Business Report ever!
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis, Wildshag Cottage, Upper Sheepsbottom Lane, Much-Humpingham-on-Sea.
Southsea
01 Jun 1998
...but first I notice our electronic mailbox is full to overflowing with an e-mail message from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She tells us she's now 'on the net' with her first PC. She writes:
 
Dear Libby,
Show wonderful a. For teams the to thanks.
Faithfully yours, Trellis Mrs. Qwerty hatstand ^.chilblain.UK
PS Which way does the keyboard go?
Hackney
18 Nov 1995
...but first of all I have to announce the result of our Mornington Crescent Good Housekeeping competition, & the winning card out of the hat is from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who writes:
 
Dear Mr. Melly,
Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole - Tempt them up with a carrot & then pull them out by their long floppy ears.
Islington
13 Dec 1997
...but first I see the Friends of Mornington Crescent mailbox has been inundated again by a postcard from our regular correspondent, a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who is holidaying in Rhyll at present, & writes:
 
Dear  .
Having a lovely  .
Weather not so  .
Wish you were  .
PS Due to power cut in hotel, had to write this under lighthouse.
Chester
10 Dec 1994
...but first of all I have to announce the result of our Mornington Crescent Grand Draw in aid of homes for retired comedy gentlefolk & stray llamas. We asked you to complete the following sentence in the most apt or amusing way in no more than 50 words: 'I like to play Mornington Crescent because...', & the winner is a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who wrote:
 
I like to play Mornington Crescent because...it's good.
That was by far the most amusing of the many hundreds of entries we received...from Mrs. Trellis
Brighton (d?)
03 Jun 1995
...but first of all I have to announce the result of our Mornington Crescent Grand Draw in aid of homes for retired comedy gentlefolk & stray llamas. We asked you to complete the following sentence in the most apt or amusing way in no more than 50 words: 'I like to play Mornington Crescent because...', & the winner is a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who wrote:
 
I like to play Mornington Crescent because...it's good.
That was by far the most amusing of the many hundreds of entries we received...from Mrs. Trellis
ISIHAC 3, Side 3
...but first I notice from the bulge in our postbag this week, that another card has flooded in from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, with comments on her favourite show. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Duggleby,
Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales
ISIHAC 4, Side 4
...but first I notice from the Mornington Crescent electronic in-basket, that we've received an e-mail from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. It says:
 
Dear Mr. Whitely,
ENTER CONTROL-ALT-DELETE BUGGER!
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Woking
22 May 2000
...but first I notice we've been inundated with a letter from our regular correspondent Mrs. Trellis, who's writing in her capacity as patron of the North Wales branch of the Paranoid Amnesiacs Trust. Her letter reads:
 
Dear Sir,
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
P.S. I know you're talking about me behind my back.
West End
19 Nov 1994
...but first I notice from the Mornington Crescent Listener Reaction Imaging Screen, that we've received a text message from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who contacted us from her new satellite-linked digital mobile phone. She writes:
 
Dear Ned,
I'm on the train!
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Stoke-on-Trent
12 Jun 2000
...but first I notice from the Mornington Crescent Listener Reaction Imaging Screen, that we've received a text message from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who contacted us from her new satellite-linked digital mobile phone. She writes:
 
Dear Ned,
I'm on the train!
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
ISIHAC 6, Side 4
...but first I notice from the pile of correspondence in the Mornington Crescent Listener Reaction Matchbox, that we've received very nearly two letters this week. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who tells us she's recently been taking a French language correspondence course. She writes:
 
Mon cher Humpty,
Zut alors!. Many de mais ami ici en Wales du Nord recon votre programme est un grand pile de cobbleurs. They donne it un grand non, mais, aux contraire, moi, every temps je hear le sig tune, je want to go oui oui.
Votres sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
South Bank
26 Jun 2000
...but first I notice that a letter has flooded in from our regular correspondent Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who raises some interesting points. Her enquiry is too long to repeat in full, but the answer to your first question Mrs. Trellis, is that variagated fuschias prefer light, loamy soil in a sunny position, & cuttings may be taken from mid August. In response to your second enquiry, Doctor Buczazki & Mrs. Ledward strenuously deny all the charges. London
11 Dec 1993
...you'll be interested to know that we've recently been swamped by another letter from our regular correspondent Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who confesses to becoming a little confused. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Parsons,
More! More! More! But when can we expect Dr. Buczazki to return to the show? Dr. Buczazki was surely the master of the genre, was she not?
Windsor
04 Jun 1994
...but first I notice that we've been inundated with a card from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who writes in her capacity as secretary of the North Wales chapter of the Psychics Insomniacs Trust. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Lyttelton,
I know what you're thinking.
Many heartfelt thanks to you & the teams for all the help you've given in finding a surefire cure for our members, many of whom hadn't slept a wink in years, until discovering your program. PS. It was so nice to hear you again next year.
London (d?)
11 Dec 1993
During the last few weeks, we've been inundated with a letter from our regular correspondent, Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who writes:
 
Dear Mr. Lyttelton,
Why-Oh-Why-Oh-Why very nearly spells yoyo.
1993 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1993
During the last few weeks, we've been inundated with a letter from our regular correspondent, Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who writes:
 
Dear Mr. Lyttelton,
Why-Oh-Why-Oh-Why very nearly spells yoyo.
1994 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1994
Dear Trevor Brooking-Taylor,
Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!
These are my three favourite Cliff Richard records.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
 
...first of all, I notice from the mound in the listener correspondence waste bin that we've received just less than two letters this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Rees,
I understand you're looking for suggestions for your
Quote, Unquote program. Can you tell me where the expression 'Dull as Ditch Water' comes from?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
...but first I notice we've received yet another letter, and this year's comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Titchmarsh,
Would you please come round with Tommy & Charlie & the other bloke who isn't allowed to speak, and do up my garden as a surprise for me. I'd like the gravel path removed, the rose beds need the gravel taking off, bedding plants can go where the gravel feature is, and the privet needs trimming, although you'll need to clear the gravel off it first.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
P.S. Any time before three would be best, as the tides comes in at half past.
Coventry
04 Dec 2000
...but first I have to announce that in response to last week's appeal, we've received nearly seven letters, including six from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Rabbi Hugo,
Why, why, why? Why, why, why, why, why? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? Why, why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Richmond-Upon- Thames
22 Jun 1996
...but first I see the mail room has been overwhelmed by another letter from Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Ned,
Wonderful! Marvellous! Extraordinary! Remarkable! - are just four of the many words on page 93 of my new thesaurus.
Yours sincerely, truly, faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
P.S. How about some signed photographs?


Thank you Mrs. Trellis - they're very nice
Radio Theatre
01 Jul 1995
...but first I notice that in response to recent appeals, we've received a communication this week. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Claims Direct,
As a result of going short-sighted at work through no fault of my own, I have to wear perfectly ordinary spectacles. Then, within the last three years, I very nearly tripped on a small step ladder, and now find I can no longer play football properly.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis (Team captain - Coventry City Football Club)
Reading
04 Jun 2001
...but first I notice from the mound accumulating in the Audience Reaction Matchbox, that we've received a letter. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Bill & Ben,
Flob-a-lob. Flob-a-lob-a-lob-a-lob. Flib-a-lib. Flib-a-lib-a-lob-a-lob-a-lib.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
P.S. I can't recommend tongue piercing highly enough.
Norwich
02 Jul 2001
...but first I notice from the accumulated pile in the Listener Reaction Matchbox, that we've received just under two letters this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales.
 
Dear Mr.Cryer,
Congratulations on finally getting the recognition you deserve. I was delighted to see in the honours list that you've been awarded an oboe. Perhaps learning a wind instrument will take your mind off the disappointment of coming second in 'Rear Of The Year'.
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
P.S. Why not enter 'Arse Of The Month' instead?
Wolverhampton
19 Nov 2001
...but first I see we've received a correspondence this week, and it's from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Clint,
Sorry about the spelling mistake in my last letter.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Brighton
23 Nov 2001
...but first I couldn't help noticing that the Mornington Crescent web site message board has again received several thousand hits this week. This one came from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, as did all the others. It says:
 
Dear Mr. Humphries,
I can't get enough of the Today programme, but what's happened to Captain Peacock & Mrs. Slocombe?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Bristol
17 Dec 2001
...and around us are many seasonal cards, including this one from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. Her message is just typical of the many thousands we receive each Christmas...from Mrs. Trellis. It reads:
 
Did you see the little robin
With his red breast plump and perky?
He flew in my kitchen window,
And got roasted with the turkey.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
...but first I notice from the small mountain on my desk this week, that we've been sent a scale model of Kilimanjaro. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, along with this seasonal message:
 
Dear Rolf,
They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Brighton
23 Nov 2001
...but I'd like to read first a letter from Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who writes:
 
I think your Mornington Crescent Elevator Reconstruction Fund is a noble cause, and it has my full support.
 
That is just typical of the many thousands of letters we receive each week...from Mrs. Trellis
Westminster Theatre
22 Dec 1990
...but first I notice from the sackload of cards we've received from well-wishers this week, that the Post Office Christmas delivery service isn't getting any better, and also we've received a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who sends this special message on the occasion of our 30th Anniversary. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Hoggart,
Here are some of my favourite cuttings. If you need any other amusing garden waste, please let me know.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
30th Anniversary Special
13 Apr 2002
[ ...but first I notice from the cascade that came through our letterbox this week that the postman's been playing silly tricks with a bucket of water, and we've received this letter. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Aldridge,
I know what you've been up to with that Irish woman. Don't worry - if Jenny asks about her, Mum's the word.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Not broadcast]
Bradford
27 May 2002
...but first I notice from the small mound on the postroom floor, that our pet mole has got out again, and that we've received a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Songs Of Praise,
Thank you for attending our church last week. Our charity raised several hundred pounds from the sponsored 24 hour bell-ringing marathon, and was flooded with applications from new members.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales Tinnitus Society
Leicester
10 Jun 2002
...but first I notice from the bundle of cards stuffed in the postroom pigeonhole, that the postroom pigeon is having trouble sitting down, and that we've received a message from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Miss Lawley,
Here's a great idea. Why not do a celebrity edition of Desert Island Discs?
Hastings
24 Jun 2002
...but first I notice we've received just less than two letters this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Dale,
Bet you can't guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day. Thought not. I can't either.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Malvern
25 Nov 2002
...but first I notice from the huge post delivery this week that we've been sent an old telegraph pole, along with this letter. They come from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Angus,
Thanks for the call last night. So sorry I wasn't available to join you at the Rhyll Motor Lodge for a can of coke. Despite the bad line I could just make out what else you were after, so I've sent along some friends from the Ladies' Methodist Chapel with a nice piece of steak. I hope you enjoy your rump with two protestants.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Blackpool
09 Dec 2002
...but first I notice from the huge pile of letters on my desk that we've been a giant Scrabble set, and this postcard. They come from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Moneybox Live,
I have no mortgage on my house which is worth £250,000, have about £10,000 savings in a building society, and I receive a generous monthly pension. So there!
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Sadler's Wells
23 Dec 2002
...but first I notice we've received in excess of no letters this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales.
 
Dear Mr Rumsfeld,
Congratulations on the accuracy of those smart bombs of yours. The one that landed in our greenhouse hit it smack in the middle.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Darlington
02 Jun 2003
...but first, following our appeal for more listener reaction, I see we've received over 700 letters this week, and they come from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes in one, and in fact all the others,
 
Dear David Dickinson,
I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words:- Cheap As Chips.
Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis
P.S. I can tell by your face that stuff really does do exactly what it says on the tin.
Buxton
16 Jun 2003
...first of all, I notice from the mound in the listener correspondence waste bin that we've received just less than two letters this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Rees,
I understand you're looking for suggestions for your
Quote, Unquote program. Can you tell me where the expression 'Dull as Ditch Water' comes from?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
ISIHAC 7, Side 4
...but first, following our appeal for more listener reaction, I see we've received over 700 letters this week, and they come from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes in one, and in fact all the others,
 
Dear David Dickinson,
I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words:- Cheap As Chips.
Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis
P.S. I can tell by your face that stuff really does do exactly what it says on the tin.
ISIHAC 8, Side 4
...but first, I notice from our new BBC online listener reaction website message board, that someone has stuck a Post-It note on the monitor screen to tell us we've received a postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes,
 
Dear Mr Titchmarsh,
This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast!
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
Winchester
24 Nov 2003
...but first, I notice we've received a quick MMS text from the 3G Java-enabled WAP cameraphone of a Mrs Trellis, of North Wales. She writes,
 
Dear Mr Searle,
So glad the BBC have let Hamish and Dougal out as an audiobook. It was great to hear the auld duffers again. And the new joke was quite good too.
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Trellis
Dave Lockwood
...but first, I notice from the listener correspondence in-tray, that we've received a letter from the listener, who this week is a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes,
 
Dear Dale,
You must be pretty handy at flower arranging. Can you tell me if it's best to put the self-raising in front of, or behind the plain stuff.
Many thanks, Mrs. Trellis
Eastbourne
15 Dec 2003
...but first, I notice from the listener reaction mailbox, that we've received no correspondence at all this week, except for this letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes,
 
Dear Mr Sainsbury,
Please pass this message on to your checkout staff: "No, I haven't got a bloody loyalty card!".
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Leeds
08 Dec 2003
...a letter has flooded in from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes,
 
Dear Sherlock,
Here's a mystery for you: Why do you wear such a bloody stupid hat?
I remain your obedient servant, Mrs. Trellis
2003 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2003
...but first I see we've been inundated by a card from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Dr. Clare,
So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene.
Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
...but first I notice from the listener reaction log that the squirrels have been at it again, and that we've received this letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Rolf,
Here's a handy hint: When you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher.
Dartford
07 Jun 2004
...but first I notice from the listener reaction matchbox that we've received well under three letters this week. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Gadaffi,
You must be very proud. It's not every duck that becomes President.
Salford
05 Jul 2004
...but first I notice from the listener reaction in-tray that we've received a little over no letters this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Watchdog,
Am I alone in receiving so much junk mail? Can these people not get it into their thick heads that I do not want a Chinese boat?
Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.
Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
During the last few weeks, we've been inundated with a letter from our regular correspondent, Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who writes:
 
Dear Mr. Lyttelton,
Why-Oh-Why-Oh-Why very nearly spells yoyo.
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
I notice down in the mail room from the huge amount of correspondence stuffed in the pigeon-hole that the pigeon can't sit down, and that we've received this card from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Rolf,
Where can I learn to shoe horses, or could you suggest a better way of getting them off my lawn?
Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.
Hull
03 Jan 2005
[ I notice from the several tons of mail in the post room this week that Reader's Digest have caught up with us again, and that we've received this letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Pope John Paul,
Is it true your surname is Georgeandringo?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Not broadcast]
Tunbridge Wells
17 Jan 2005
...first I notice from the more than 20,000 envelopes we received this week, we've been entered into the Reader's Digest Prize Draw, and that there's a postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr Mandela,
That big statue in Trafalgar Square looks nothing like you.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Ipswich
06 Jun 2005
[ ...but first I notice we've received considerably more than no letters this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales, who's catching up on some correspondence. She writes:
 
Dear President Kennedy,
I hear you got shot in Dallas. What is the world coming to? First J.R., now you.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales.
P.S. If you ever plan to visit North Wales, do please let me know
Not broadcast]
Rhyl
20 Jun 2005
...but first I notice from the huge pile of correspondence in the Listener Complaints waste paper basket, that we've received a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Tarrant,
Is it true that in Japan you're known as Mr. Rack-of-Tarrant?
Kind regards, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales.
Oxford
04 Jul 2005
[ ...but first I hear from the post room that we've received no correspondence at all this week, not a sausage, but we did receive a sausage last week, and it came with this message from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Flintoff,
Well played. Wilma, Betty and Barney must be very proud of you.
Yaba-Daba-Doo!, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales.
Not broadcast]
Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
...first I hear from the post room that we've received no correspondence at all this week, not a sausage, but we did receive a sausage last week, and it came with this message from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Camilla,
Where can I buy one of your fine reclining chairs?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
London Palladium
21 Nov 2005
...before we start, I notice that our first Christmas card has arrived, and that the postal service is getting slower than ever. The card comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Yoko Ono,
Is it true your name is Japanese for 'one egg'?
[ Sayoonara for now. Not broadcast] Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.
[ P.S. I swear by your soap powder. Not broadcast]
Brighton
05 Dec 2005
[ ...but first I notice we've received a number of letters this week. The number is one. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Tesco's,
I understand you sell a lot of rubbish bags. Well, you should buck your ideas up, and sell some decent ones.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Not broadcast]
Harrogate
26 Dec 2005
[ ...but first I notice from the pile of correspondence spilling out of the audience reaction bonfire, that we've received this letter. It comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr Prescott,
I hear you've been moved. How is the spare room?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Not broadcast]
Bristol
29 May 2006
[ ...but first I notice from the pile of correspondence spilling out of the audience reaction bonfire, that we've received this letter, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear You and Yours,
I see you now have a 'listen again' facility. Why?
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
Not broadcast]
Halifax
26 Jun 2006
...but first, I notice from the Mornington Crescent weblog that we've received nearly 7000 hits this week, which means catapults are making a comeback. We also received a postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Debretts,
Can you tell me the correct way to address an Anglican bishop. I've got him wrapped up, but I don't know where to stick the label.
Yours in haste, Mrs. Trellis
Southport
20 Nov 2006
...but first, I notice from the huge number of letters that showered in on us this week, that the Scrabble factory has blown up again, and that we've received this postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mrs McCartney,
Oh dear, what a mess. You must be kicking yourself.
Yours as ever, Mrs. Trellis
Victoria Palace
04 Dec 2006
[ ...but first, I notice from a number of letters flooding in this week, that global warming has reached the post room, and that we've received this card from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear British Airways,
No need to get cross!
Yours ???, Mrs. Trellis

P.S. Next time you lose your temper, it will probably have gone to Rekyavik.
Not broadcast]
Sunderland
18 Dec 2006
...but first I notice from the huge number of cards that arrived this week that those warnings to Post Early For Christmas are finally paying off, and we've received a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr Ronaldo,
You must have been bowled over by your Player of the Year trophy, even though it clearly never touched you.
Kind regards, Mrs. Trellis
London Coliseum
11 Jun 2007
...but first I notice from the fat load of correspondents in the post room, that overweight listeners are turning up in person, and that we've received this postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr Naughtie,
How are you? Sorry, that's all we have time for.
Yours, with the weather, Mrs. Trellis
Cardiff
25 Jun 2007
[ ...but first I notice from the avalanche in the postroom that we've had an unseasonably cold snap recently, and that we've received a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Friends Of The Earth,
Are you worried by your carbon footprints? A bucket of Flash will soon {???unreadable}.
Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis
Not broadcast]
Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
[ ...but first I notice from the mound of correspondence spilling out of the audience reaction incinerator, that we've received this letter, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Boris,
You've got my vote for London. In fact, I'd vote you Mayor of any town 380 miles away from here.
Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis
P.S. So sorry you missed out on the 'Rear Of The Year' award again, but well done on getting 'Arse Of The Month'.
Not broadcast]
Croydon
19 Nov 2007
...but first I notice from the enormous piles of mail, that the lads in the postroom have been re-enacting the battle of Agincourt again, and that we've received this postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Lewis,
So sorry you missed out on the Formula One world championship. First your old pal Morse dies, now this.
Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis
Manchester
03 Dec 2007
[ ...but first I notice from our web log chat forum, that we've received just a little over no hits this week, and it comes from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr Darling,
You were quite right to save Northern Rock. It's amongst the best dance music I've ever heard.
Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis
P.S. By the way, whose eyebrows are you wearing?
Not broadcast]
Peterborough
17 Dec 2007
...but first I notice from the huge number of cards that arrived this week that those warnings to Post Early For Christmas are finally paying off, and we've received a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr Ronaldo,
You must have been bowled over by your Player of the Year trophy, even though it clearly never touched you.
Kind regards, Mrs. Trellis
2007 Xmas Special
24 Dec 2007
...it's a letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Dr Livingstone I presume,
I hear you've taken a missionary position in Africa. Mind you don't put your back out.
Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis
Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
...but first I notice from the listener reaction log that the squirrels have been at it again, and that we've received this letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Rolf,
Here's a handy hint: When you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher.
ISIHAC 9, Side 3
...first I notice from the more than 20,000 envelopes we received this week, we've been entered into the Reader's Digest Prize Draw, and that there's a postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr. Gadaffi,
You must be very proud. It's not every duck that becomes President.
Yours in haste, Mrs. Trellis
ISIHAC 9, Side 4
...first I notice from the more than 20,000 envelopes we received this week, we've been entered into the Reader's Digest Prize Draw, and that there's a postcard from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
 
Dear Mr Mandela,
That big statue in Trafalgar Square looks nothing like you.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis
ISIHAC Classic Repeat
07 Jul 2008
[ It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent, but first I notice from the number of posts on our web page that someone has dropped a fence on our computer, and also, if I remove the posts, we've received this letter from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. She writes:

Dear Mr. Titchmarsh,
The liner in my garden pond has developed a leak. Could you please send a lifeboat to get the passengers off.
Not broadcast]

Haymarket Session 2
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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