The ISIHAC
Humph's Intro's Page

Last Updated
16 Feb 2013

At the start of most editions of the BBC Radio 4 panel game I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the chairman will make a witty introduction to the show. Here are some of his suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

 Sort by:
 

[beginning missing] the derivation of the name I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. The programme of course took its name from a chance remark of a former Chancellor of the Exchequer, William Pitt the younger, when questioned in the House as to why the economy was in such poor shape. Funny how history repeats itself... 19 Nov 1991
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that has done for comedy...oh, wait a minute, there's another bit here...the show that has done for comedy what Cyril Smith has done for breakdancing. ISIHAC 1, Side 1
Hello & welcome to another edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - radio's answer to Farming Today. Well, if the secret of good comedy is timing, here's four men whose watches must have stopped... 24 Feb 1990
Hello & welcome to another edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - radio's answer to Farming Today. ISIHAC 1, Side 2
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show which does for entertaining panel games what being hit repeatedly on the head with a large croquet mallet does for small frogs...or so I'm told. ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. This week we can promise you a nail-biting contest...followed by a nose picking contest... 19 Mar 1983
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. This week we can promise you a nail-biting contest...followed by a nose picking contest... ISIHAC 1, Side 4
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the program that holds a mirror up to nature, and then proceeds to give it a rather embarrassing haircut. Edinburgh
13 Nov 1993
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the program that holds a mirror up to nature, and then proceeds to give it a rather embarrassing haircut. ISIHAC 2, Side 3
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show where fun and laughter go together like a horse and marriage. ISIHAC 4, Side 2
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show in which laughter follows fun as sure as night follows dawn. ISIHAC 4, Side 3
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - it's the show where quality and comedy go together like the Lone Ranger and Toronto. Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - it's the show where quality and comedy go together like the Lone Ranger and Toronto. ISIHAC 4, Side 4
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show where games and laughter go together like boiled beef and parrots. Brighton
21 Jun 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - where jokes and laughter go together like Roy Rogers and trigonometry. Newcastle
29 Nov 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show where fun and laughter go together like a horse and marriage. Northampton
23 Nov 1996
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for comedy what Austin did for the mini, and what Bronte did for the Ford Cortina. Northampton
30 Nov 1996
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show with jokes to suit all ages, from the late Neolithic to the early Bronze. Bath
07 Jun 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - or as it's known to Guardian readers, Is Morrie Evans' Cat in the Loo. Bath
14 Jun 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that's never afraid to grab the bull by the horn. Southsea
01 Jun 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that stands Head & Shoulders above the wash basin next to the soap dish. Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that hits the comedy bulls-eye like a bullet from a trifle. Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - where jokes & laughter get on like a horse on fire. Islington
06 Dec 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that is to comedy what Florence was to the Renaissance...& Zebedee was to the Industrial Revolution. Canterbury
05 Jul 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that is to comedy what Florence was to the Renaissance...& Zebedee was to the Industrial Revolution. ISIHAC 5, Side 1
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that gets laughs at the drop of a cat. South Bank
26 Jun 2000
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that never fails to hit the snail on the head. Canterbury
12 Jul 1997
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the wireless programme that takes a lucky dip into the bran tub of comedy, & unfailingly pulls out a handful of bran. Oxford
11 Jun 1994
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that's done for comedy what Richard Gere has done for animal husbandry. Brighton
01 Jun 1996
Hello & welcome to a seasonal edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for Christmas what a large dollop of sage & onion mixture does to a turkey. 1993 Christmas Special
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that attracts laughter like bees around a magnet. Richmond-Upon- Thames
15 Jun 1996
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - or as it's officially known to the British Anagram Society, More Unlive Hairy Cats. Richmond-Upon- Thames
22 Jun 1996
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that's does for comedy... It's a new year now, and a new decade, so we're all looking forward to new faces, fresh ideas, and startling comic originality...but while we're waiting, let's meet the teams...
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for radio comedy what Patrick Moore does for the men's downhill slalom. There's some super talent here today - these audiences get younger every day... 17 Feb 1990
Hello. I'd like to welcome you to another series of encounters of verbal wit and brilliance...but never mind - you can't win them all. 29 Jul 1975
Hello. Welcome to the programme which is as famous for its wit as Sheffield is for scuba diving.
Hello & welcome to what tries to be an Anel Game - in other words, tries to take the 'P' out of Panel Game. 14 Aug 1975
Hello & welcome to the programme that has been compared for its wit to the government white paper on drainage finances. 16 Sep 1975
Hello & welcome to the programme that has done for radio what the eruption of Vesuvius did for Pompeii.
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that has become a radio institution. Before we meet the patients however, I'm please to announce that they've recently been presented with what appears to be a United Nations award. It's a U.N. Funniest Contribution to World Comedy award. I'm sorry - on closer inspection, I notice that it is, in fact, an Unfunniest Contribution to World Comedy award. London (??)
25 Jun 1994
Tonight all of the team are wearing swimming trunks...........and Willies are outstanding! Unknown
Once again, you can enjoy acrobatics, conjuring and comedy...by going to the circus while this programme's on
Welcome to the programme that's designed for children and played by grown men 16 Jul 1979
Good evening, or as Snow White said to the Seven Dwarfs - hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. 23 Jul 1979
Welcome to the programme that makes grown men weep, and weeping men groan
Welcome to the programme that combines all the fun of the fair...with all the annoyance of having to pay to get in 13 Aug 1979
Welcome to the game which is like playing Scrabble...without using the letters of the alphabet Radio Theatre, London
20 Aug 1979
Welcome to the progamme where we play some of those family games which have done so much to push up the television viewing figures 10 Sep 1979
Well, once again the last programme of the series gives us the opportunity to look back over some of the high spots of the show so far, and here they are...[silence] 17 Sep 1979
Welcome to a brand new series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, in which you can hear all the old jokes...but in a brand new order 22 Aug 1981
Welcome to the show that really takes the lid off...and lets a lot of nasty things out 29 Aug 1981
Welcome to the programme of which it's been said that if all the good jokes were laid end to end, they'd reach the end...of my desk
Welcome to the show that features wit, irony, satire, & sometimes one or two funny bits
Welcome to the show. We're very proud to have heard from Audience Research that when the programme's due to come on the air, an incredible 95% of the population stays in...the pub 10 Oct 1981
Hello & welcome. I'm delighted to say that this show has just won an award for boosting listening figures...on Radio 3 17 Apr 1982
Hello & welcome to what's called a panel game, because no one has come up with an alternative definition that's broadcastable... 19 Aug 1975
Hello & welcome to the programme that, like psychedelic toilet paper, brings the colour back to peoples' cheeks 27 Aug 1979
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. I'm delighted to say that in a recent opinion poll comparing programmes of similar entertainment value, 60% of those polled preferred I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue...and only 40% preferred the shipping forecast 12 Mar 1983
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. I'm delighted to say that on the panel today we have two great wits...and two blonde twits
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. This is the intellectual version of Mastermind, in which I'm joined by two teams, and I try to pick their brains...their pockets, their finger-nails, and anything else until I come up with something interesting 12 May 1984
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. For those of you you haven't heard the program before, perhaps I can give you a hint as to how to get the most out of the next half hour...Radio 3 is on 247 metres 19 May 1984
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. This is the last programme in the present series, and I've received lots of letters from people saying how sorry they are that the series had to end after ten weeks...two would have been better
Hello & welcome to the programme that prompted John Logie Baird to invent television 16 Jun 1979
Hello & welcome to the programme that's often been likened to falling into porridge while being hit on the back of the neck with a rolled up newspaper 23 Jun 1979
Hello & welcome to the programme. First of all a reminder for those of you attempting to join in these games at home, to pull the curtains before you start 30 Jun 1979
Hello & welcome to the show that has been described as funnier than Julius Caesar's Gallic Wars Book One...but not necessarily funnier than Book Two
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for radio comedy what Dolly Parton does for hang gliding.
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You know, in the old days, they used to say that when it came to good comedy, there was no alternative to hard work and talent...so let me introduce you to four alternative comedians... 13 Jul 1991
Hello & welcome to another fun-packed edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, & I must say we've squeezed a lot in tonight...it's the last time Samantha & I appear in body stockings... 13 Jul 1991
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme which does for panel games what Jive Bunny does for the music of the '50s & '60s... 26 Oct 1991
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that is to comedy what the falling horse chestnut leaf is to the InterCity 125... Paris Studio
28 Nov 1992
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does as much for the reputation of wireless broadcasting as Lord Reith...did for Australian rules ferret juggling... Bury St Edmunds
20 Nov 1993
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the panel game that is to radio what Noel Coward is to westerns... 25 Apr 1972
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Dolly Parton did for limbo dancing... 11 Feb 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for comedy what John Inman does for weightlifting... (d?)
21 Sep 1987
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - a programme that's been described as the funniest show on radio...by me...just then... 14 Sep 1987
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Cyril Smith does for tightrope walking... 24 Aug 1987
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for comedy what Nancy Regan does for sumo wrestling... 31 Aug 1987
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for comedy what Kylie Minogue does for John Inman... 18 Feb 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for comedy what Barbara Cartland did for the mini skirt... 25 Feb 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Bill Wyman does for The Dagenham Girl Pipers...
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Patrick Moore did for the skateboard... 11 Mar 1989
Hello & welcome to another series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. I can promise you three things - hundreds of laughs, ten fun packed programmes, and two broken promises... 26 Jul 1986
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. As usual we're here before an invited audience...they were invited to My Music fifteen years ago & we haven't been able to get rid of them...
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. This programme is actually the first to be recorded on our new sound equipment. This equipment filters out all extraneous and unpleasant noises, so I doubt whether you'll hear our panellists this week...
Hello & welcome to Insomnia I Haven't A Clue. Isn't technology marvellous? I've just been told that Radio 4, and therefore this programme, has been picked up by a number of Brazilians...living in Basingstoke... 13 Sep 1986
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. This week we can promise you a good laugh, or if you're very lucky, two good laughs... 20 Sep 1986
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that's done for comedy what Robert Robinson has done for the affro hairstyle... 04 Feb 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what John Hanson has done for punk rock... 07 Jan 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Les Dawson does for the pole vault... 14 Jan 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Luciano Pavarotti does for skateboarding... Unknown 5
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Claire Rayner did for the hoola hoop... 28 Jan 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - a programme full of wit, erudition and charm...is Yes Minister... 28 Sep 1987
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Luciano Pavarotti does for skateboarding... 21 Jan 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - An interviewer who considered mountaineering a stupid and pointless thing to do, once asked Chris Bonington why he wanted to climb Mount Everest, to which Bonington replied "Because it's there", and I have similar thoughts when I'm asked why I host this programme...because it's a stupid and pointless thing to do... 02 Nov 1991
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. When I said I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue just then, it wasn't because I'd lost my script or become suddenly very forgetful, it is, of course, the name of the programme - you can't be too careful with this lot, I'll tell you! Before I say anything else, I'll introduce the teams...Willie Rushton...this is Tim Brooke-Taylor, and Barry Cryer, I'd like you to say hello to Paul Merton... 16 Nov 1991
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show which does for entertaining panel games what being hit repeatedly on the head with a large croquet mallet does for small frogs...or so I'm told. 23 Nov 1991
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. After the recent controversy about depraved and perverting messages being conveyed in some song recording when they're listened to backwards, I'm pleased to confirm that this programme does no such thing. If it's depraved and perverting messages you're after, we suggest you listen to this programme forwards as intended... 30 Nov 1991
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You know, only the other day I was approached by a top television producer, who asked me why we on this programme, had so steadfastly spurned the garish, get-rich-quick world of television, in favour of, as he saw it, the antiquated and obviously limited medium of the wireless. Now to this man I have a clear message. I mislaid your telephone number on the bus - PLEASE GET IN TOUCH!!... Paris Studio
28 Nov 1992
Hello & welcome to a special Christmas edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Unless you're listening to the repeat, today is Boxing Day, a special day which takes its name from the tradition of the Christmas Box. This was an ancient institution which involved citizens presenting one another with gifts, each one contained in, as the name suggests, an attractive carrier bag. These presents were usually so disappointing, invariably ill-fitting pullovers knitted by elderly reletives, that a full scale punch up would ensue, and this in turn gave rise, of course, to the modern day sport of rugby football. Incidentally, if you are listening to the repeat of this programme, today is Christmas Tuesday, a less special day which takes its name from the fact that it's...Christmas Tuesday. I'd like to introduce two fabulous teams, but you can't have everything... 1992 Christmas Special
26 Dec 1992
Hello & welcome to a brand new series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, and for the next ten weeks at this time, I can promise you laughs all the way...but for them you'll have to retune now to Radio 3... 17 Aug 1987
Hello, this is Humphrey Lyttelton, with my annual I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Christmas address.

At this special festive season, I inevitably find my thoughts turning to those three ancient men who followed a star. It's taken all year, but I've finally shaken them off.

The teams travelled the length and breadth of the kingdom in 1998. They went to Leeds & Portsmouth, and then set off again from Glasgow to Cardiff, before ending up in Birmingham. This was partly due to their desire to see as many fans as possible, but mainly thanks to their hiring a ludicrously cheap minicab.

My faithful assistant Samantha is here and ready to help impart the spirit of the season to our many loyal listeners, and around us are many seasonal cards, including this one from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. Her message is just typical of the thousands we receive each Christmas...from Mrs. Trellis. It reads:

Did you see the little robin,
With his red breast plump and perky?
He flew in my kitchen window
And got roasted with the turkey.

1998 Christmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Thank you and welcome once again to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the panel game that proves that life isn't all misery and bad news...it can be chaos as well. This is a clearly defined panel game with very tightly knit rules and my name, of course, is Steve McQueen. (d?)
13 Jun 1972
Hello and welcome to another edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the show that is to radio what Arthur Mullard is to flower arrangement. (d?)
20 Jun 1972
Hello and welcome to a special Christmas edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us in the Radio Theatre in Broadcasting House, where our studio audience will be delighted by a bumper show...plus a fine display of hub caps and wing mirrors. Now when I think back on what a year 1995 has been for this programme, all that comes to mind is award after award...but I'm pleased to say that matron has granted the teams a temporary day release... 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
Hello, this is Humphrey Lyttelton here, with a selection of highlights from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue 2003. What memories - rather like Proust's 'Madelaine' in La Recherche Du Temps Perdu, the slightest prompt can bring lost moments from the show flooding back...if ever I'm caught unawares... Best of ISIHAC 2003
29 Dec 2003
Hello & welcome to a seasonal edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for Christmas what a large dollop of sage & onion mixture does to a turkey, and as you'd expect for this extra special yuletide program, our teams are comprised of the foremost available comic talents in the country. I'm sorry, that should of course read: the four most available comic talents in the country... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
Hello & welcome to a special Christmas edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Many of today's Christmas customs are based on earlier rituals. The traditional flaming Christmas Pudding, for example, dates back to the 17th century, when a form of stiff porridge was made, containing plums, preserved quinces, lemon peel, ox blood and grated pig livers, all bound together with goose fat. No wonder they set fire to it! As it was prepared, children would be treated to a lick of the mixing bowl on what was known as 'Stir Up Sunday' - that being the day before 'Throw Up Monday'. We still also have the tradition of eating mince pies dating back to the last century, so be careful to check the sell-by dates. But of all traditions, no Christmas would be complete without a great big turkey that seems to last forever... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what John Hanson has done for punk rock... 25 Apr 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Les Dawson does for the pole vault... 02 May 1989
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, a programme full of games that are as exciting as a weekend in Leicester Forest Service Station... Paris Theatre
07 Sep 1987
Hello again, & welcome to the programme in which the cut and thrust of volatile debate fuses with the exploding shafts of sparkling wit in equal parts, to form an unparalleled load of rubbish... Paris Theatre
02 Sep 1975
Hello, & welcome once again to the programme which is famous all the way from Land's End to...Land's End... Paris Theatre
09 Sep 1975
Hello, & welcome to the programme which a recent poll described as "not at all the sort of thing we enjoy in Poland"... Paris Theatre
10 Apr 1977
Thank you, and welcome to the intellectual's game which owes much to a great literary figure...Trollope. 03 Sep 1979
Hello, and welcome to another programme built on that great British principle which was such a success in the Titanic... Paris Theatre
26 Aug 1975
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - a programme full of wit, erudition and charm...is Yes Minister... 26 Dec 1989
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Les Dawson does for the pole vault... 15 Jan 1990
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Claire Rayner did for the hoola hoop... 20 Jan 1990
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for comedy what Barbara Cartland did for the mini skirt... 27 Jan 1990
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the programme that does for comedy what Patrick Moore did for the skateboard... 29 Jan 1990
Hello & if you're looking forward to another keenly fought contest of wit, memory and skill...you should be tuned to Yesterday In Parliament... 18 Sep 1974
Thank you, and welcome to another bout of radio wrestling, the result to be decided by three groans, and a scattered burst of applause from the studio audience 12 Sep 1978
Hello & welcome to the programme that's often been likened to falling into porridge while being hit on the back of the neck with a rolled up newspaper 19 Sep 1978
Hello & welcome to the programme. First of all a reminder for those of you attempting to join in these games at home, to pull the curtains before you start 26 Sep 1978
Hello & welcome to radio's answer to a safari park 29 Aug 1978
Hello & welcome to the programme that prompted John Logie Baird to invent television 03 Oct 1978
Welcome once again to the programme that's been compared to the Irish stunt man who tried to jump fifteen motorbikes in a double-decker bus 10 Oct 1978
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


As the show moved around the country, Humph's introductions gave a potted history of the area being visited. Here are some of his suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

 Sort by:
 

Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in the South Coast resort of Hastings, an historic town with much to be commended.

The story of Hastings only really begins with the famous battle, which was faught at a nearby town called Battle...now what are the chances of that happening? In September 1066, William the Conqueror assembled his forces across the Channel and set sail with his army of nine thousand Normans, after one of the most confusing roll-calls ever taken. The battle took place around Senlack Hill, and after a full days' fighting, the English were defeated, and King Harold was struck in the eye by an arrow. He was carried to the Hastings Free Hospital, where he was pronounced dead, and from there to a fee-paying one, where his condition was upgraded to 'alive'.

In the years following the invasion, Sussex was split into feifdoms, or 'seas' as they were known, and the Sea of Hastings passed into the control of Bishop Ralph Le Bon. Sadly, the town serfs refused to take his rule seriously after he renamed the keep 'Le Bon Sea Castle'. For over a thousand years now, that fine motte and bailey castle has stood to defend the town, and repel unwelcome visitors - not always successfully. Let's meet the teams...

Hastings
17 Jun 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Sussex at the fine seaside resort of Hastings, where local history is inextricably linked with the sea.

Hastings joined with Romney, Hythe, Dover and Sandwich to form a brotherhood of coastal towns in 1067, intended to defend England from any cross-Channel invasion; they took the crest of a running horse rampant and stable door bolted.

By 1293, Hastings harbour had silted up, and the town went into decline until the 17th century, when London doctors began to prescribe the taking of sea air as a cure for respiratory diseases. Soon, over a hundred wagons a week were arriving from London to collect sea air. On each barrel, an excise duty of three shillings was levied, and this led to the growth of smuggling in Hastings, with ships arriving at night laden with illicitly imported French air. This practice was soon discovered however, as patients developed the side effect of an insatiable urge to urinate by the side of the road.

In the 20th century, Hastings became notable as the birthplace of television, as its inventor, Logie Baird, lived here, with his companion Boo-Boo.

Among many other local tourist attractions, and the top of every visitors' list, is Buckley's Yesterdays World. Here, one can step back through the ages to discover how ordinary people of long ago lived, and how they amused themselves..but as it's closed at this time of day, let's meet the teams...

Hastings
24 Jun 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Leicester, a fine city boasting a rich and varied history.

A settlement is first recorded in the area during the Iron Age, when a Celtic tribe discovered ferrous ore deposits, learnt how to extract iron, and settled here to build their dwellings. Two centuries later, the invading Romans named this tribe the Coritani, being the Latin word for 'people whose houses have rusted away'.

In 1485, Richard III stayed here on the eve of the battle of Bosworth. He took lodgings at the White Boar Inn, where he famously insisted on taking his own bed. As the inn has since become a Travelodge, many guests today wisely choose to do the same.

The former England footballer Gary Lineker was born here into a family of greengrocers, which explains why whenever he took a shot at goal, the ball was always just a little bit over.

Leicester was also the birthplace of John Merrick, whose life was immortalised in the film 'The Elephant Man', featuring John Hurt in the lead role of Dumbo.

Despite being very much a forward looking city, Leicester today is keen to retain at least a few small reminders of the past...Let's meet the teams...

Leicester
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Leicester, a city of varied culture and heritage.

Many of Leicester's place names emanate from its 9th century Danish occupation, including Deangate, Wiggesdon Lane and Unsmokedrindless Street.

The founder of the English parliament, Simon De Montfort, was born here, and one of the city's concert halls was named in his honour, after he took the title 'Third Baron De Bingo On Tuesdays'.

Over the following centuries, Leicester became known for the fine quality of its textile manufacture. Towards the end of the Civil War, Charles I came here, and bought three items of clothing, including the two shirts he wore at his execution. Luckily his wife had the foresight to keep the receipt for the hat.

Nearby places of interest include Melton Mowbray - home of the pork pie. The recipe to the original pork pie is a closely guarded secret, but its known to rely on using pork from a specific breed of pig that produces a copious amount of gelatinous fatty grease. Many breeders have successfully raised such pigs, but none has ever managed to catch hold of one.

The many well known names associated with the town include W.G. Grace, who, in partnership with his brother, founded the department store made famous by Mrs. Slocombe and Captain Peacock.

Leicester also has plenty to offer those in search of culture; the city's museum and art gallery houses what was believed to be Britain's largest dinosaur, until the advent of ITV Digital. But there's more to Leicester today than well-known dinosaurs...Let's meet the teams...

Leicester
10 Jun 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You're welcome to join us this week in Bradford, at the fine Alhambra Theatre.

Bradford is not only a tiny picturesque village of mellow Bath stone cottages, nestling along the banks of the river Avon, but is also 150 miles away in Wiltshire, as today we're in the Yorkshire city of Bradford, which boasts a rich and varied history.

The name of the town is derived from 'broad ford' because of the river crossing here, which was wide and convenient for dumping stolen Escorts. Originally a small Saxon village, little of the original settlement survives, apart from a fine 15th century cathedral, which took 194 years to complete. A construction period of nearly two centuries may seem ridiculous to us, but of course builders were a lot quicker in those days.

The town's prosperity grew thanks to the wool trade, and during the Royalist seige of the Civil War, balls of wool were even hung on the city walls to protect them from cannon fire. This proved largely ineffective, as the Royalists hurled large numbers of playful kittens to bat them and unroll them.

[ The townsfolk were put to the sword by the order of the Earl Of Newcastle, however, whilst sleeping in nearby Bolling Hall, the Earl was famously visited by a ghostly apparation that shocked him into a catatonic state. Discovered motionless the following morning, the Earl was taken to the Bradford Free Hospital, where he was pronounced dead, and then to a fee paying one where his condition was upgraded to 'alive' Not broadcast]

The productivity of the woollen mills was raised beyond measure in 1798 with the arrival of steam power. The engineer James Watt, who having noticed how the steam from a boiling kettle forced its lid open, was inspired to build his labour-saving machine. With reciprocating three foot piston cylinders, connected by a massive cast-iron cantilever beam, Watt had created the world first seven ton teasmade.

[ Other names associated with Bradford include the three Brontë sisters who lived and worked here. Anne Brontë wrote 'The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall' under the pen-name Acton Belle, Charlotte wrote 'Jane Eyre' as Pura Bell, and most famous of all was Emily, who wrote 'Wuthering Heights' under the pen-name Kate Bush Not broadcast]

Bradford was also known for the excellence of its Edwardian theatre, which pioneered pantomime, music hall and classical drama. It was here in 1905 that the great actor/manager Sir Henry Irving, then in the twilight of his life, made his last performance. Having given a hushed audience his bloody Thomas A'Becket murder scene, Irving sadly collapsed and died. It was most unfortunate, as he was actually playing Widow Twanky at the time. But there's more to Bradford today than just famous people dying on stage...Let's meet the teams...

Bradford
20 May 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at the Alhambra Theatre in the fine Yorkshire city of Bradford.

[ Research notes on the Alhambra reveal that this wonderfully impressive Moorish building was constructed during the 11th century by the Arabic Zeridian rulers Not broadcast] The magnificence of the Alhambra attracts visitors from the world over, who, as they marvel at its Andalusian splendour and take in the breathtaking vistas afforded by the snow-capped Sierra Nevada, pause only to question whether they might have come to the wrong part of West Yorkshire.

Bradford's heritage lies in the industrial growth of the Victorian era. Thanks to the local abundance of coal and iron ore, the city boasts many educational establishments of technical excellence, producing the world's finest mechanical, electrical and civil engineering graduates, who these days go on to work in some of Cardiff's finest call centres.

Bradford is also known for the arts, and the composer Frederick Delius was born here. He, of course, wrote 'Sonata for Strings' and 'Dance Rhapsody No. 2', but is perhaps best remembered for 'Delius - How To Cook'.

Every industry at one time flourished here, and in 1952 the Bradford manufactured Jowett Javelin motor car won the prestigious non-stop Le Mans 24 hour race - possibly the last time a British built motor car ran for a whole day without breaking down.

[ Over at the Moorside Mills Industrial Museum, there are preserved back-to-back cottages, toured by horse buses, with their special wide steps to allow the horses easy access to the top deck Not broadcast]

Acknowledging the city's agricultural links is Bradford City Farm. City farms are places where the visitors can taste the experience of authentic farm life by watching sheep and cattle being force-fed spinal cord, before being chased off his land by a miserable gun-toting farmer. However, Bradford City Farm is not like this as we know following our visit...from the BBC libel lawyer.

[ Thanks to the foresight of imaginative Victorian architects, Bradford of today retains many reminders of its prosperous heritage. As a prime example, the ornate City Hall is based on Italian renaissance designs, with its magnificent clock tower taken from the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence where the city fathers are understandably keen to get it back Not broadcast]

Bradford today is a city with many links to remind of a bygone age which many are happy to forget...Let's meet the teams...

Bradford
27 May 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us at the Playhouse Theatre in London's West End, where, in celebration of thirty years of the programme, we've been asked to record a special show...and that's not our only first this evening.

What a different place Britain was back in 1972 - the first series of 'Last Of The Summer Wine' had only just begun its seventeenth repeat; and there were just three television channels, showing a limited selection of comedy, drama, news and sport. How TV has changed today, with digital technology providing many hundreds of channels showing a dazzling variety of gardening.

The Britain of 1972 was in economic turmoil as car factories, docks and coal mines were hit by strikes, mass walkouts and picket lines - three curses eliminated by later governments...car factories, docks and coal mines.

Also that year, the plan to build a channel tunnel was scrapped amid fears that thousands of poverty-striken migrants might attempt to rush through it; so the government of the day sensibly decided not to let us out.

On the world stage, U.S. President Richard Nixon was re-elected, and quickly appointed Spiro T. Agnew as his vice-anagram. Nixon became the first ever American leader to visit China. He was invited to Peking to mend a governmental rift, as Mao Tse Tung was fed up having to use the escarator. President Nixon later became known as 'Tricky Dicky' after the Watergate affair, as later did President Clinton after the Lewinsky affair.

Also in America that year, Charles Atlas died, and at a huge funeral in his home town, mourners queued up to kick sand in his grave.

Back home in April 1972, Britain was still grappling with the complexities of decimal currency. At the time it was feared that decimalisation might lead to inflation, with the price of consumer items such as a gallon of petrol being sneakily rounded up from three shillings and sixpence to two pounds fifty.

We've returned here to the Playhouse Theatre where our very first show was made on April 4th, 30 years ago, and as the teams arrived in their usual garb of tie-dye T shirts, paisley cravats and flared loon pants, I couldn't help but try to remember what they wore back in 1972...

30th Anniversary Special
13 Apr 2002
Hello, & welcome to a special Christmas edition of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

Many of today's Christmas customs are based on earlier rituals. The traditional flaming Christmas pudding, for example, dates back to the 17th century, when a form of stiff porridge was made containing plums, preserved quinces, lemon peel, ox blood and grated pig's livers, all bound together with goose fat - no wonder they set fire to it. As it was prepared, children would be treated to a lick of the mixing bowl on what was known as 'stir-up Sunday'...that being the day before 'throw-up Monday'.

We still also have the tradition of eating mince pies dating back to the last century, so be careful to check the sell-by dates, but of all traditions, no Christmas would be complete without a great big turkey that seems to last forever. Contributing to this one...please welcome the teams!

2001 Christmas Special
24 Dec 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Bristol, a fine city boasting a rich history and culture.

The town originally grew as a port, and it was from here in 1497 that John Cabot set off to find a new route to the Spice Islands by sailing North-West. Instead, he discovered a strange, hostile world, which he named Newfoundland, until the natives explained that they actually called it Swansea. Later, Cabot landed in America while looking for India, Mexico while trying to find Australia, and Brazil when sailing to Japan. He eventually returned to retire in Bristol where his descendants are to be found to this day...running a mini-cab firm.

These days, several famous names live here, including the television actor Tony Robinson, who so hilariously plays the scruffy, idiot sidekick in...Time Team. Another resident is Paul McGann from the famous actor family which includes his brothers Joe, Mark and Renault.

Incidentally, there was a time when actors weren't popular in Bristol, as they were considered to lower the city's tone, so the local council sent letters to all the famous stars, asking them to stay away. Let's meet four performers who were never on their mailing list...

Bristol
10 Dec 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us back for a second week in Bristol, a historic port and thriving city.

In its heyday, Bristol's dock area was known for its many taverns, and it was in one of these that Daniel Defoe met Alexander Selkirk. Over many hours, during a long evening of ales and porters, Selkirk regailed Defoe with his endless stories. It was this meeting that inspired Defoe to write his most famous novel - 'How I Had My Arse Bored Off By A Drunken Scotsman'. Defoe later went on to write Robinson Crusoe, based on Selkirk's story of being stranded on a desert island with the company of just one other human, whom he named 'Sue Lawley'.

In the 19th century, the docks became central to Bristol's industrialisation, and two great monuments to this period remain today - the Clifton Suspension Bridge, and the SS Great Britain. With its mighty stone block towers and steel rope construction, it's little wonder the ship sank on her maiden voyage, after she was hit by a huge paddle-wheel that fell off the bridge. In those days, clocks in Bristol and the West Country were between 10 and 20 minutes behind London, but with the coming of the railway, these had to be 'regularised'. Some towns refused to comply, however, and to this day when it's 12 noon in London, in Weston-Super-Mare it's still...1963.

In 1910, Britain's first commercial aircraft factory was established at nearby Filton to manufacture the 'Bristol Boxkite'. Despite the Boxkite's limited range, commercial flights soon began, with routes going as far as...the string would stretch. In the 1950's, the factory turned to making luxury cars such as the 'Bristol Bulldog' and the 'Bristol 401', which still have an enthusiastic following today. Every summer, the owner's club meets to display their classic vehicles, and while they chat and swop stories, members' wives proudly clean and polish their Bristols which are then displayed and judged by the mayor.

We are today guests of the Theatre Royal in Bristol. As the oldest theatre in Britain, it still retains many interesting architectural features, including a Georgian proscenium arch and Victorian gas-lamp holders. And if the audience should care to look upwards, they'll see the ornately decorated ceiling is studded with stars. If they look at the stage, however...

Bristol
17 Dec 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week amid the South Coast splendour of Brighton, a city boasting a rich culture and history.

A settlement is recorded here as long ago as 3000 B.C., when Celtic Druids practiced their ancient worship of oats, mistletoe and virgin maidens, and indeed, oats and mistletoe are still plentiful in Brighton.

Proud of its heritage, Brighton city council has taken to naming its buses after local landmarks and people, such as the boxer Chris Eubank, the Devil's Dyke Julie Birchill, and a nice couple from Hove - Mr. & Mrs. 23B.

Whilst the Brighton of today is best known for its fashionable chic and the stylish modernity of its young and vibrant population, there are extreme contrasts...Let's meet four of them...

Brighton
26 Nov 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You're welcome to join us now for a second week in the delightful Sussex city of Brighton.

An ancient settlement was recorded here by the Romans, who noted the area for its neolithic camp...a style later replaced by the Anglo-Saxon mince.

Much of the southern town had to be reconstructed following the disastrous sea floods of 1705, and this is commemorated in place names such as High-Tide Alley, Seaweed Row, and Toilet-Roll-Round-The-Ankle Lane.

With the new Georgian splendour afforded by the patronage of George, the Prince Regent, came Brighton's first pier - the Chain Pier - completed in 1823. It was so called because of its tensioned chain construction, and was the scene of much revellry. However, in 1837 it sadly collapsed when a drunk went to the toilet and over-enthusiastically pulled the nearest flush.

In 2001, Brighton was finally honoured by being offically designated a city, a move which it is hoped will attract a better class of visitor, rather than the seedy, unsavoury, shabby types of old. Until then, let's meet the teams...

Brighton
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Wolverhampton, an historic city with much to be commended.

[ The first record of a settlement here dates to 985 A.D., when a grant of land was made to Lady Wulfruna by Ethelred The Unready, in recognition of her marrying his reluctant brother, Ethelred The Unsureaboutit. Following Wulfruna's reorganisation of England's boundaries, the only existing map of England was redrawn here before being returned to the king. The process took a team of monks a total of eighty-one years - that was six months to redraw the map, and the rest of the time trying to work out how to fold it back into it's original shape. Not broadcast]

During the 15th century, the town prospered thanks to the wool trade, which was controlled by the Leverson family, who owned much of Wolverhampton. Their long-standing interest in sheep is evidenced by place names such as Mutton Street, Woollen Alley and Hand-Wash-Only Lane, where stands a fine statue of a handsome marino sheep with old Jeremiah Leverson firmly mounted on a plinth.

[ During the Civil War, the young Prince Charles disguised himself and hid for two days in an oak tree outside the town. He was only discovered when a Roundhead soldier spotted a long-haired, twelve stone pigeon nesting on a branch. The country's longest ever serving M.P., Sir Charles Villiers, represented Wolverhampton. Villiers sat permanently on the Westminster back benches for 63 years until he died in 1898...from an acute attack of piles. Not broadcast]

The first ever commercial flights from British soil began here in 1862 when Henry Coxwell began his hot-air balloon service to London. In addition, Coxwell flew charter passengers to Holland, Ireland, Spain, Norway and Canada...before realising that the wind direction kept changing.

[ In 1866, Queen Victoria chose Wolverhampton to make her first public appearance since the death of Prince Albert. After unveiling a statue of her late husband in High Green, it's recorded that she dined on roast chickens, boar's heads, oysters, hams, turkeys, pheasants, partidge and rabbits. In honour of the bereaved Queen, the town renamed the area Greedyfatwidow Street. The Wolverhampton of today is world famous for its fine football team, known universally as Wolves, because they go out at night and scavenge food, and probably the town's most famous contemporary son is the lead singer of the pop group Slade, Noddy Holder. Noddy isn't his real name - his parents in fact named him Pugh Pugh Barney McGrew Cuthbert Dibble Grub Holder Not broadcast]

The town became well-known for the fine houses built by its merchants. One of these, Molyneux Grange, was the original headquarters of Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club, and became the subject of national interest in 1889, when thieves broke into the trophy room...and made off with the carpet.

Let's meet the teams - they're four comedians who just love entertaining people...who knows, one day they might meet some entertaining people...

Wolverhampton
12 Nov 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Wolverhampton, the Midlands town associated with many great names from the past.

In the middle ages, it's recorded that William Shaw, the town dog whipper, was paid six shillings a year to expel dogs from St. John's Church, by gripping them with wooden tongs and whipping them ferociously. He held the post for nearly twenty years until his enthusiasm for the task got the better of him, when he attacked a group of golden labradors, and was subsequently banned from conducting all future tours for the blind.

Jeremiah Chubb, one of the world's most famous locksmiths, came here to set up business as a key cutter and shoe repairer in 1817. Recent renovation work to his premises revealed an original receipt for re-soling a pair of workmen's boots. Following carbon dating analysis of the faded document, the city archivists can provide scientific evidence that the boots will be ready next Thursday.

John 'Iron Mad' Wilkinson built the first iron furnace here in 1767. So keen was he on iron that he built bridges, railways, houses and ships from it. Parish records reveal that at his funeral Wilkinson was even laid to rest in a coffin made from six inch thick iron plate, and that it took nearly eight weeks to cremate him.

In December 1880, great honour was brought to the town when Queen Victoria came to Wolverhampton to decorate the Mayor, Sir Henry Fowler, in the main square, although the practice stopped the following year when the council bought a Christmas Tree instead.

[ Another famous local name is that of Button Gwinnett, who travelled to America, later adding his signature to the Declaration of Independence, and as a result, he was thrown out of the Washington Museum and put on the first plane home Not broadcast]

But there's more to Wolverhampton today than just these dimly remembered characters from the past...Let's meet four more...

Wolverhampton
19 Nov 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us this week amid the ancient splendour of Norwich, a city that glories in a fascinating history.

The first known settlers here were the Iceni tribe, led by Boadicea in her wars against the invading Romans. Turmoil and confusion were caused by successive battles in 55, 54 and 53 B.C., until someone noticed they were reading the calendar back to front. The iron age Iceni were skilled in metalwork, but their history is sketchy as they were illiterate. What is recorded is that Queen Bo Derek bottled against the Mormon centenarians on her charoot pulled by sick horses. Her Amy finally met deaf feet on the River Wensum, which her worriers crossed by climbing into small boots and piddling into bottle.

As the locality has no indiginous rock supply, Norwich was built largely of flint, and here was born the craft of 'flint-knapping'. Knappers would hold a flint between their thighs to hit it with a lump hammer. These craftsmen gave us the term 'knapsack'...a painful medical condition caused by missing the flint.

Later the city became populated by Flemish weavers, who brought with them the art of canary breeding, and in a recently converted Norwich church is found the National Canary Museum, where visitors are invited to climb the tower, ring the bell, and smack their heads against a small mirror.

Modern Norwich is also famous for its six breweries, each providing guided tours and free tastings. Few visitors ever manage to sample the delights of all of them in a single afternoon, but let's meet four who did...

Norwich
25 Jun 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us back for a second week in Norwich, a fine city boasting many famous names.

The future King, Henry Tudor, set up base here, when the Houses of York and Lancaster fought the Wars of the Roses, for control of the chocolate sweet market.

Before entering naval college, Horatio Nelson attended the King Edward VI School. His time here is commemorated by the Norwich pub which bears his name - The Nelson's Arm.

TV cook Delia Smith lives nearby, and as director of Norwich City Football Club, has brought fine food to the terraces, hence the fans' chant of "Who ate all the boeuf en croute with cranberry sauce?"

Another well-known business based here is Norwich Union, the insurance company that was once claimed to be the largest in the world, although this claim was rejected...along with all the others.

Well with us tonight, we have the same four comedians who joined us last week, and you know, when we made that show, I didn't expect them to be half as good...but they were!

Norwich
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us in what is in fact the thirtieth year of the show. You know, back when we started, the critics thought us mad to attempt such a project...well, they're not laughing now!

This week you find us in Sheffield, a fine city whose history is inextricably linked with steel. The first recorded reference to steel products is found in the works of Chaucer, who mentions the famous 'Sheffield Twittle', an ancestor of the modern pen-knife. With a super sharp blade, and immensly strong retracting spring, Chaucer describes its constant use by a pilgrim, one Edwin The Fingerless.

In the reign of Henry VIII, Sheffield was chosen to supply sets of silver plate for his household. In those days, the term 'cutlery' meant only spoons, which explains the derivation of Her Majesty's exclamation to staff, which to this day is used to begin all Royal feasts: "Oy! Where's my fork'n'knife?"

But a stones-throw from this very theatre is the Wilkinson Memorial, dedicated to Sheffield's most famous razor manufacturer. During the City's annual 'Safety Blade' festival, revellers flock there to enjoy the custom of decorating the statue's face by sticking tiny pieces of tissue to it.

Behind the memorial lies the National Museum of Shaving Requisites, where visitors can inspect a large collection of traditional shaving brushes, or stroll in the grounds, where they'll find shivering, Europe's largest domestic herd of bald badgers. This area is known as the 'Peace Gardens', a place of tranquility, favoured by weary souls...but that's not the only place in Sheffield where seats are provided for a quiet undisturbed half-hour snooze...Let me introduce the teams...

Sheffield
11 Jun 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Sheffield, a city rightly proud of its two fine football teams: Wednesday and United.

Sheffield Wednesday took its name from the day on which the team played their first ever game, after taking the bus to their original ground just outside the town. If they hadn't chosen to go by First Mainline, they would have been called Sheffield Tuesday Afternoon.

Famous celebrities born in Sheffield include: Michael Palin, whose name is derived from 'planisher' - someone who finished metal by hand; Sean Bean, whose family were 'banders', or craftsmen that made barrel hoops by hand; and Joe Cocker, whose family declined to comment.

For centuries, the city's name has been found on knives the globe over, and in recognition of this achievement, the City Fathers erected a sign on all roads leading into town that reads "Welcome to Sheffield, home of the world's finest cutlery." Not to be outdone, the nearby Peak District council posted a sign reading "Welcome to Bakewell, birthplace of the world's greatest tarts."

Sheffield has also been made famous by the annual World Snooker Championships, where increasingly young players dazzle the packed theatre with their cueing skills. But it's not every show in Sheffield today that involves talented youngsters, or cueing...Let me introduce the teams...

Sheffield
18 Jun 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Reading, a fine town steeped in a rich history.

Britain's oldest known song was written here in about 1240. It's early English title "Sumer Is E'Coomin' In E'Hoodas Sing Cuckoo", which to our modern ears seems quite meaningless, translates as "Agadoo-Doo-Doo, Push Pineapple, Shake The Tree".

William Lord, Archbishop of Canterbury from 1633 was born in Broad Street, where W.H. Smith stands, which is evidenced by the Lord family crest of crossed pen and pencil set ardent, topped by readers' wives rampant.

Reading is proud to be the home of the Yellow Pages - and what a boon they are. If you want to unblock a toilet, they'll readily find you a bulldozer to drive through the middle of Slough.

In Silver Street, but a stone's throw from this very theatre, is found 'The Oxford Arms', an ancient hostelry, where hangmen used to take the condemned for a last drink before their execution in the town square. However, the tradition of going out for a few beers in preparation for dying in public hasn't entirely disappeared here...Let's meet the teams...

Reading
28 May 2001
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Reading - the Berkshire town associated with many great names from past and present.

Visitors may wish to take in the memorial to John Blagrave, the eminent 19th century mathematician and Father of Algebra, although after being ribbed at school, little Algebra changed his name...on the advice of his Aunt, Mrs. Emily Quadratic-Equation.

World fame was brought to Reading by Joseph Huntley, of Huntley & Palmer fame, the philanthropist who provided a row of terraced houses for the poor. Sadly at the official Grand Opening, the ones at each end were found to have developed cracks and quickly crumbled.

Probably Reading's most famous temporary resident was Oscar Wilde, who, in that less enlightened Victorian time, served two years hard labour in prison here, for what the Town's Guide describes as a 'Social Indiscretion'. According to Lord Alfred Douglas, Oscar was as indiscrete as a nine bob note.

Clive Sinclair, who invented the C5, was born here. Commercial success evaded his novel electric scooter, as its range was limited to no more than a few hundred yards...or slightly more if you bought the optional extension lead.

As we can see, Reading is a veritable A to Z of famous names - but what of the ordinary people, whose mundane everyday lives are so rarely exposed to public gaze? Let's meet the teams...

Reading
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in High Wycombe, a town boasting a rich and varied past.

The very name High Wycombe has an interesting derivation - the Saxon word 'Wyc' means a small village community, 'Combe' was the Celtic word for a small depression or hollow, while the middle English 'High' has the same meaning as today, hence the literal translation 'Hello, villagers who live in a hole!'.

The area's wealth was built on the manufacture of traditional furnishings, and High Wycombe quickly became known as the furniture capital of England; and then with the growth in demand for chests of drawers and fancy footstools, Wycombe was elevated to the tall-boy and pouffe capital of Britain.

Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike.

The Chiltern Hills are famous for the health-giving properties of their fine spring waters, but when bottles were recently discovered to contain urine, they were quickly withdrawn from supermarket shelves...and moved round to the own-brand lager section.

The area is also home to many celebrities, including Sporty Spice, Noel Gallagher and Kate Moss, and according to the official guide, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor lives within spitting distance. So while he wipes himself down, let's meet the other team members...

High Wycombe
11 Dec 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at the 'Wycombe Swan' in the Buckinghamshire town of High Wycombe.

The town is rightly famous for its wealth of splendid buildings. In the 1890's, the unconventional architect Gaudí devised his 'organic façade' style, developing this genre to its ultimate incarnation in his sensational plans for the dreamlike 'Templus Sagrada Familia', with its massive encrusted towers and swooping majestic visions of fabulous animals. He then decided that neo-Catalan revisionism looked out of place next to Woolworths in the High Street, so he went off and built it in Barcelona.

The area first attracted pilgrims in the Dark Ages when the sick came to take the waters of the local holy wells, which they believed could cure their blindness. This practice had to stop when, despite the warning signs, the deep wells became blocked by the many who'd fallen down them. Let's meet the teams...

High Wycombe
18 Dec 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Belgrade Theatre in Coventry. We were supposed to be at the Coventry Theatre, Belgrade, but RAF Bomber Command got there first.

Coventry enjoys several Royal connections. Mary Queen of Scots was held here, and was given a small dog which she took with her to the Tower of London. The animal was there at her grizzly end, even as the axe fell...then a witness shouted "Fetch!"

Another famous event here was a duel between Coventry's Sheriff, the Earl of Hereford, who challenged the Duke of Norfolk. When the latter arrived at the city gate in search of a bride, he was called by Hereford, who asked: "Identify yourself, and state your intentions towards my daughter" The gauntlet was cast down after the reply: "Norfolk and good"

Amongst its many other attractions, the modern city is rightly proud of its Herbert Museum. That's not the only place visitors can come to see a bunch of old Herberts...Let's meet the teams...

Coventry
27 Nov 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at the Belgrade Theatre in the fine city of Coventry.

The name 'Coventry' entered the language as a popular phrase during the English Civil War, when Royalist prisoners were sent here. As the locals were Parliamentarian, they refused to speak to them, hence the common expression..."Sod the Cavaliers!"

The earliest promoter of Coventry was the Earl of Mercia, who played an important role in stimulating growth for the city's founding fathers, as did his wife Godiva when she rode naked through the streets. In fact, all the townsfolk agreed to avert their gaze, except for one - Peeping Tom - who watched her single handed...and as a result, went blind.

Modern Coventry is noted for its car manufacturers, including Jaguar, who in this their first season of Grand Prix racing, did so much to secure the World Title...for Ferrari.

Before Coventry became so involved with heavy industry, the area was famous for its finely dyed blue fabrics. With only primitive equipment, the 'woaders' as they were known, had to compress layers of cloth into vats of dye using their body weight by sitting on the top. They're long gone, but there's a small band that has revived the noble art of dying on their arse...Let's meet the teams...

Coventry
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us at the Pavilion Theatre, amidst the Southern coastal splendour of Bournemouth.

The town's origins can be traced to one Lewis Tregonwell, who built the first house here in 1810 as a retirement home. He planted the famous pine trees of the area for their scent, which was believed to cure various diseases. However, the habit of tree sniffing has lately fallen out of fashion with the advent of the pine fresh toilet duck.

In Bournemouth's early years, shops were banned, and tradesmen had to call from Poole or Christchurch. It was only thanks to the townsfolk's exceptionally acute sense of hearing that anyone ever heard them at all.

It wasn't until 1941 that Bournemouth came to the world's attention, when the course of World War 2 was changed for good...after the Japanese made the mistake of bombing Poole Harbour.

The Dorset coast is also famous for its sedimentary deposits dating from the Eocene Age, and the curious still come here in search of fossils and even obscure little-known dinosaurs...Let's meet the teams...

Bournemouth
13 Nov 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us for a second week in the delightful Dorset town of Bournemouth.

Bournemouth was developed into the resort we know today in the 1890's, when fine avenues were laid out to be opened by Queen Victoria and visiting guest Kaiser Wilhelm in full military garb. At the ceremony, everyone gasped in amazement except Kaiser Wilhelm, who gasped because he'd inadvertently sat on his helmet.

Nearby is Brownsea Island, where in 1907, Lord Baden-Powell founded the Boy Scout movement. Ever since, young lads have gained their merit badges in camping and fieldcraft by reference to his 'Scouting For Boys', and in fire starting by reference to his 'Arson For Beginners'.

Dorset's most remarkable attraction is the Cerne Abbas Giant, a graphic representation of a naked man cut into the chalk hillside. Many people have joined the distinguished Cerne Abbas Society, and I'm delighted to see several prominent members here tonight.

Bournemouth today has a reputation as a magnet for those in their twilight years. The elderly and frail who've lost contact with the modern world come here to spend their days in peaceful idleness...Let's meet the teams...

Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. This week you find us at the Royal National Theatre Complex at the heart of London's glitzy South Bank.

The theatre we're in today is named the Lyttelton, in honour of the internationally renowned jazz trumpet player whose glittering performances here, including today's, now total a staggering...one.

A national theatre for Britain was originally proposed by the publisher Effingham Wilson in 1848. The project was completed in record time for a public building, and was in use as early as...1976. During much of his dealings with the builders, Effingham Wilson was in fact 'effing 'em daily.

Recently the area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy a 45 minute uninterrupted viewing of London and the Thames...as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, as some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way...

South Bank
19 Jun 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the show that gets laughs at the drop of a cat.

You join us for our second week amid the splendour of the Royal National Theatre. The National actually comprises three stage venues: the Olivier, which is named after Sir Laurence Olivier; the Cottesloe, which... isn't named after Sir Laurence Olivier; and our venue today, the Lyttelton, named after a relative of mine, Oliver Lyttelton, First Viscount Chandos, and the theatre's first chairman. Oliver, or Uncle Viscount Chandos as I knew him, joined the government in 1940 when a House of Commons seat was found for him at Aldershot...which explains why he had to shout during Prime Minister's Question Time. In his capacity as head of non-ferrous metals, Oliver organised the war effort campaign to collect pots, pans and kettles for the RAF; but Bomber Command found that dropping high explosives was more effective.

Since his time as chairman, the National has seen many varied productions from Beckett's 'Happy Days', famously featuring Dame Peggy Ashcroft in the lead role of...The Fonz, through to Michael Bogdanov's contraversial 1980 staging of 'The Romans In Britain'. The graphic scenes of Roman soldiers ravishing young British men prompted Mary Whitehouse to bring a private prosecution for obscenity. The result of her detailed evidence of the physical act was the banning from the London stage of any scene depicting explicit leapfrog.

The area has also recently benefited from the 3.5 billion pound Jubilee Line extension to the Millennium Dome - possibly the only stretch of London Underground where each passenger is guaranteed an empty coach; and just nearby is the Museum of the Moving Image, dedicated to the history of cinema from its earliest days; but they have no monopoly on showing visitors the naive comic antics of long-forgotten actors from the age of the flickering screen...Let's meet the teams...

South Bank
26 Jun 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at The Royal, Hanley, Stoke-on-Trent.

The area is well known for its coal, iron, beer, and pottery. It was near here in 1739 that the famous Wedgewood factory was set up at Burslem. Soon their distinctive stoneware pots were in great demand by the townsfolk, who would use them to quaff copious quantities of the local ale, later taking full advantage of the porcelain products of the nearby Royal Doulton works.

Other famous local names include the writer Arnold Bennett who, during a visit to Paris, wrote his popular Staffordshire 'Five Towns' novels after an exchange of ideas with Flaubert, and it's surprising what proportion of Madame Bovary is influenced by the industrial landscape of 19th century Stoke. As far as scholars can make out...not a single word.

In 1925, these five surrounding towns were subsumed, and officially formed into the new city of Stoke, which is why the surrounding area now has a hundred and fifty signs saying 'To The City Centre', all pointing in different directions. But what a relief it was to the long-suffering supporters of Burslem Fenton Handy Longton Tunstall & Stoke-Upon-Trent Rangers F.C., who every Saturday had to respond to the call "Give us a 'B'..."

Stoke city's most famous son is undoubtedly Sir Stanley Matthews. Rated as the finest controller of the ball ever, he played well into his fifties, but football isn't the only place fans go to see an astonishingly old man dribbling in public...on my left, please welcome Barry Cryer. Sadly, Graeme Garden's agent has written to say he can't be with us today. I can't quite read the handwriting, but I think it says that Graeme's currently 'staring at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane'...hang on a minute...yes, it does...

Stoke-on-Trent
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You're welcome to join us for a second week in Stoke-on-Trent...if you've got nothing better to do.

This part of England's West Midlands is commonly known as The Potteries. Famous for its manufacture of china products, buyers come here from the world over to obtain fine silk sarongs, chopsticks, and rickshaws.

A well-known neighbouring town, which has recently become involved in the local art of brewing, is Bourneville. Traditionally associated with chocolate, Bourneville has taken advantage of its natural springs for the production of lager...which is why there's a glass and a half of water in every pint.

But a stones-throw away is Newcastle-Under-Lyme, so named after a new castle built under the Lyme forest. Nearby they constructed a feather store on the site of an old scrapyard, and so was born the charming village of Down-In-The-Dumps.

Famous local characters include: Thomas Minton, the inventor of Minton; Josia Spode, the inventor of Spode; and Edward Knoblock, who luckily for some of us, didn't invent anything. Let's meet the teams...

Stoke-on-Trent
12 Jun 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You're welcome to join us today in the fine Southern England town of Woking, described by no less an authority than the Longer Oxford English Dictionary as: A town in Southern England.

In the 16th century, Henry VIII was a frequent visitor to Woking Palace...whom he saw beat West Bromwich Albion 2-0 in a thrilling Cup Tie in 1536.

Modern Woking is famously home to the Kenwood Mixer, named after its inventor...Ken Woodmixer. Life was transformed for a generation of 1960's housewives experiencing the joys of his chopper attachment on the kitchen table.

Woking today is largely known as a dormitory town, and appropriately enough, we're expecting to see a lot of people sleeping in a large room tonight...Let's meet the teams...

Woking
22 May 2000
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at Woking's New Victoria Theatre.

Woking was little more than a small market town until nearby Brookwood was chosen as the site for Britain's largest cemetery. With the cemetery came its own dedicated railway station for the running of regular funeral trains from London. Out of respect, South West Trains still operate services at a walking pace [??muffled].

The town guide tells us that Woking's environs are famous for their wildlife habitats, home to rare types of bee, adders and the unique spider-hunting wasp. Sadly, the Woking & District Wasp Pack have recently had their spider hunt disrupted by saboteurs...laying false trails of jam sandwiches.

Famous names associated with the area include: Formula One Team MacLaren; the electronics concern Kenwood; and the writer of 'War Of The Worlds', H.G. Wells. Proud Woking commemorated these local success stories by erecting a huge racing car, a 100 foot long mural depicting food mixers, and a 17 metre high statue of a Martian. One can only imagine the relief felt by the council when they missed out on leasing premises to the Viagra company.

In 1994, The Spice Girls started their sensational pop careers here at Knapp Hill Studio, but Woking today isn't just about the world-wide success of four vibrant young performers (not in the least!)...Let's meet our teams...

Woking
29 May 2000
Hello, & welcome with a seasonal greeting to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today amid the North London splendour of Golders Green, at the very heart of London's Jewish community...so how fitting we should be here for our special Christmas show.

Golders Green is of course famous for two great buildings - the Hippodrome and the Crematorium. I'll let the listeners at home decide for themselves which we're coming from.

As you'd expect from the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Christmas Special, we have four performers who have top class comedy coming out of their ears...it's just a pity it doesn't often come out of their mouths...

1999 Christmas Special
25 Dec 1999
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today in Greenwich, the London borough with a rich history and centuries of Royal association.

Henry V landed here after the battle of Agincourt in 1415, when the vastly superior French horsemen were comprehensively routed by our English archers...but then, ten minutes of Marjorie Antrobus is enough to terrify anybody.

Elizabeth I came here in 1580 to knight Francis Drake in reward for his round the world voyage. Townsfolk flocked to witness the sight of Good Queen Bess taking up a large sword to perform his circumnavigation ceremony. As a result of a slight misunderstanding, the words "Arise Sir Francis" were entirely wasted on him.

In the seventeenth century architect Christopher Wren did much to set the style of Greenwich when his collonaded neo-renaissance Royal naval College was commissioned. However this was only after his original design of a huge upside-down Tupperware bowl held up by string attached to big sticks, was rejected on the ground the town wanted something visitors might bother to come and see...

But since that time, Greenwich has developed the knack of getting people to come here to take a look at the most unlikely curiosities...Let's meet the teams...

Greenwich
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, with our special Millennium Celebration Edition.

You join us for a second week at the Greenwich Theatre, in the heart of London's officially designated Millennium Borough. But there's more to the town than just selling hastily printed souvenir tea-towels. Greenwich is also famous for its long association with literature. Christopher Marlowe frequented many local taverns, and was supposedly killed in one during a brawl with friends over the bill for dinner. The theory that Marlowe didn't actually die, but assumed a new identity as William Shakespeare is supported by the line from Twelfth Night: "If music be the food of love, play on...but there's no way I had a prawn cocktail starter!"

Local residents have included the intellectual and gardener John Evelyn. As reward for his many works, Evelyn was honoured by James II, when he became Keeper of the King's Privvy Seal...a position made necessary by the peculiar seventeenth century habit of keeping an amphibious mammal in the toilet.

As Greenwich is situated on the very line of longitude where the new year will begin, we feel honoured to be invited here to record this, our special Second Millennium show, and I'm specially pleased to be able to introduce the original cast who appeared to celebrate the first one...

Greenwich
13 Dec 1999
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Malvern Festival Theatre in the fine county of Worcestershire.

The town nestles in the Malvern Hills, under the Worcestershire Beacon. After climbing to the summit, many hikers gaze out across fourteen counties and under certain weather conditions, it's possible to catch a sight of Birmingham...despite the many clearly posted warning signs.

Famous names associated with the area include Sir Edward Elgar. It was here that he composed his 'Enigma Variations', which later found great commercial stage success as 'Bletchley Park - The Musical'.

The nearby public school Malvern College was founded in 1862. This was taken over during World War II by the Air Ministry as a research base exploiting advances in microwave technology to develop an aircraft tracking radar system. Expected to take many months of development, they actually managed it in just two and a half minutes. As a result, air defences could readily identify and bring down Luftwaffe bombers - the aircraft being hit be a barrage of piping hot, ready cooked pigeons.

Famous old boys of Malvern College include the occultist Aleister Crowley, and it was here that he first became interested in black magic, the paranormal, and reincarnation. Crowley was buried in St. Wulfrun's churchyard in 1934...at Golders Green synagogue in 1956, and finally in 1972 at the West Dudley pet cemetery. Another notable grave at St. Wulfrun's is that of Britains first recorded fatal case of asbestosis. The poor chap was buried there in 1827, but not until after they'd spent three weeks trying to cremate him.

The ancient county of Worcestershire has much to admire including Hagley Hall, the family seat of the Lyttelton dynasty. Set in 350 acres of superbly landscaped deer park, the house contains Van Dyke masterpieces and fine Chippendale furniture. The land, house and title have passed down the line to my cousin, Viscount Cobham, the eighth Lord Lyttelton and his heirs, reminding me that at any given time I am but one small, and entirely fatal minibus accident away from wealth, privilege and complete idleness beyond my wildest dreams. I could be up there with Duke Ellington and Count Basie without even trying.

A world famous local product is, of course, Worcestershire Sauce. The first reference dates from 1642 when Oliver Cromwell proudly proclaimed to parliament that he had won The Bottle Of Worcester, thanks to drawing Yellow 61 in that years' Roundhead Social Club raffle. However, it wasn't until 1835 that the famous dark and spicy condiment was discovered by two chemists, Lea & Perrins. Their ingredients remains a closely guarded secret even today, known only to a handful of members of the Lea & Perrins families...and anyone who can be bothered to read the label marked 'Ingredients' on the side of the bottle.

To the unknowing outside, the Worcestershire of today is often considered a sleepy backwater, where simple elderly folk spend quiet days untroubled by the modern world - a reputation that can only be reinforced when I say: "It's time to meet the teams..."

Malvern
18 Nov 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Malvern, a fine town boasting much of interest to the visitor.

The name Malvern derives from the Celtic words describing the original settlement - the prefix 'Mal' meaning 'spring water pools', while the word 'Vern' refers to small areas of woodland, hence the precise translation, Little Woods Pools.

Malvern's proud boast is that theirs is the only natural spring water used by Queen Elizabeth II, and when in 1987 a Royal Act of Charter was drawn up to sanction supplies of bottled water to Her Majesty, she kindly invited the town council to witness as she passed it.

A major source of local employment is provided by the Coca Cola company. In the 1950's, the townsfolk erected a memorial to the factory's founder in the form of a statue in the main square. However, this has recently required some restoration after all its teeth fell out.

The town's first known documentation dates from 1083, when its lavish Benedictine monastery was built. It's recorded that this was the cause of much friction with the nearby Convent of St. Agatha, as the monastery was maintained by a generous endowment from Edward the Confessor, and the nuns jealously eyed the monks who were obviously so well endowed.

The surrounding district still bears the name of Malvern Chase, which was originally a Royal hunting forest, but in later years it became the haunt of petty thieves and nere-do-wells seeking a refuge in which to avoid retribution for their series of criminal acts against an unsuspecting public...Let's meet the teams...

Malvern
25 Nov 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today amidst the contemporary splendour of Milton Keynes.

The town was founded in 1967 and grew steadily into a municipal borough until, in 1997, the council celebrated their 30th anniversary by applying for unitary authority status...they certainly know how to have a good time here!

The name Milton Keynes has an interesting derivation, many believing it to be a tribute to John Milton, who wrote the trilogy comprising Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained and in his advanced years Paradise I Know I Left It Here Somewhere. Milton suffered for his work - his eyesight eventually failing him completely. He would doubtless have been proud of what the town planners achieved. With its broad avenues and boulevards laid in grid pattern, Milton Keynes is often mistaken for New York. Remarkably, there's no record of New York ever having been mistaken for Milton Keynes. However, the local townsfolk were nonetheless delighted when the French government presented them with a huge statue of a woman holding a torch in celebration of Milton Keynes's victory in the War Of Independence, and sent a bemused New York City Corporation a small herd of concrete cows to mark their application for unitary authority status.

It would be a mistake to think that Milton Keynes today can offer nothing with a history dating further back than the 1960's...Let's meet the teams...

Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in the fine city of Milton Keynes.

Although it's known as a new town, anyone who believes the area has no history before 1967 couldn't be more wrong, as there's evidence of a tribe of stone-age tool users constructing crude dwellings in nearby Bletchley as early as...1958.

It was at Bletchley Park during World War II that the world's very first computer was installed, and it's top secret output will make fascinating reading, just as soon as they get the printer to work. The original buildings have been preserved as a museum with various artefacts from the period, and for a small entrance fee, visitors can be transported back to 1942. A cheaper alternative is to hop on a bus to Newport Pagnell.

Milton Keynes today has much to be proud of - it's the home of the Open University, founded in 1969 by Harold Wilson, who declared degree-level education would be available to anyone with a basic passion to study men in beards and flared trousers at 3 o'clock in the morning.

The town also boasts the huge National Bowl, probably the finest annual exhibition of sanitary ware in Europe.

Alright, let's meet the teams. We have the same line up back for a second week, and I can honestly say you couldn't ask for four better comedians...so that's answered your next question...

Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week amid the splendour of the Grand Opera House in historic York.

The first known settlement here was during the Bronze Age and was called Brigantia, or literally Home Of The Briganti Tribe, but when Quintas Patilius and his 9th legion arrived in A.D. 71, it became known as Eboracum, or literally Not Any More It Isn't.

Very soon the town was overrun by the invading Anglo-Saxons and reverted to Celtic rule after King Arthur's famous victory. This was short lived however, as Arthur fled South when a messenger arrived from Camelot with the urgent news that it was another bonus rollover jackpot week.

By the 8th century, York was capital of Northumbria, but during a succession of wars against the Vikings under Ivar The Boneless, the city fell several times...although not nearly as often as Ivar.

The Vikings were finally defeated in 1066 at Stamford Bridge, going down to Chelsea 5-4 after a thrilling penalty shoot-out, and with the subsequent arrival of the Normans, this pattern of history established the old centre of York much as we see it today...repeatedly overrun by foreigners.

However the story of the people of York having unwelcome visitors forced upon them doesn't end there...Let's meet the teams...

York
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us back for a second week in York, the fine city who's name has been adapted in so many ways: there's the Yorkie - the staple diet of lorry drivers everywhere who like to snack on a small dog; the famous 'yorker' was developed here - the bowling technique that put this year's England cricket team where they are today...opening a supermarket in Rotherham; and of course, there was the Grand Old Duke Of York, who famously 'had ten thousand men', the title passing down to today's Duke Of York, who's ex-wife famously tried so hard to match him.

York is also associated with many other notorious names from history. Dick Turpin was hanged here in 1739 after he made the journey from London in 15 hours, and there's an interesting parallel with Turpin's exploits for anyone travelling to York today on Virgin Rail...daylight robbery in the restaurant car. Guy Fawkes was born in York. In 1606 he was hung, drawn and quartered at Tyburn...and buried at Marble Arch, Cheapside, Ludgate and Wandsworth. His co-conspirators included one Humphrey Littelton, who was dragged in chains to Guildford and publicly executed. Imagine the shame brought upon my family. Apparently they were okay about 'publicly executed', but Guildford...

York is a mecca for visitors seeking to soak up its wealth of cultural delights, including York Minster and the Mystery Cycle...that appears chained to its railings every morning.

Wandering the old streets today, many come aiming to take in the famous Shambles...So let's meet the teams...

York
15 Nov 1999
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us today at the Theatre Royal in Nottingham, a fine city with a fascinating history.

The legendary people's hero Robin Hood spent his life nearby. He famously, on his deathbed, shot an arrow from his bow asking that wherever in Sherwood Forest that arrow should land, there he should be laid to rest, and the whole area covered with an enormous plastic bubble for visitors to ride bikes in.

It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe.

Amongst its many attractions, the town proudly boasts the 'Trip To Jerusalem' which is the oldest pub in England - a unique distinction shared with only 117 other inns. Coincidentally, the oldest pub in Israel is called the 'Day Out To Center Parcs'.

The greatest bare-knuckle fighter of the Victorian age was born here - one William Bendigoes Thompson, probably the most famous British boxer until Frank 'Down 'E Goes' Bruno.

Another famous son of the city is Albert Ball, who shot down a total of 43 German aircraft. There would have been more, but Mr. Ball was eventually banned from East Midlands Airport.

Let's meet the panel. You wouldn't think four top comedians of outstanding quality with perfect timing, total originality and excellent acting skills would turn out to do this show...and you'd be right...

Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at the Theatre Royal in the heart of Nottingham.

Nottingham is associated with many famous names - born in 1850, Jesse Boot founded the chain of chemists that took his name. After a few years, he realised his slogan "Buy your drugs from Jesse's" wasn't that great, and he changed the firm's name to Boots. The business started in Goosegate Street, where Jesse's father had a tiny oak-beamed pill shop, but there was so little demand for tiny oak-beamed pills they decided to diversify.

J.M. Barry once visited here, and was inspired to write Peter Pan when he spotted an urchin in the street...what a one-in-a-million chance that one should have escaped from the marine biology aquarium, thus frightening him round the corner, where he bumped into a disabled pirate and a crocodile with a clock in its mouth.

Nottingham is also famous for its links with football, and Notts County is proud to be the oldest teams in the English league...but they hope soon to buy some younger players.

Now it's time to meet the teams. With comedy very much the watchword, I can honestly say we have four men who couldn't possibly be any funnier if they tried...more's the pity...

Nottingham
28 Jun 1999
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today at the Grand Theatre in the fine Lancashire seaside town of Blackpool.

Blackpool's first known settlement was founded by the Brigantis, an intimitating people whose war-like women-folk terrified encroaching tribes with fearsome charges for the use of hot water and the cruet set. Little is known of the subsequent history of this area, but exciting evidence of the emporer Vespasian's occupation was discovered recently by a local archaeologist when a lost hoard of Roman coins fell at his feet after he got three cherries up. After the Roman occupation, Vikings arrived in what is now Lancashire. That it was a peaceful integration is suggested by the many place names that are combinations of Scandinavian and Anglo-Saxon including: Leyton-Cum-Warbreck; Bispham-With-Norbreck; and Wigan-By-Smorgasbord. These northern settlers had arrived via the Isle Of Man, where they'd gone seeking to create a new type of forward-looking liberal society...not a mistake they'll make again in a hurry.

From the 13th century, the district was controlled by the Butler family, Barons of Warrington. In 1257, Henry III granted William Le Butler an annual fair and a weekly market in Leyton. However, the charter was withdrawn in a fit of pique when the King decided the Butlers were selling off his wife's stolen underwear. [ It wasn't until the Victorian era that the town expanded into a seaside resort. With the growth in visitors, the North Pier was built in 1863, and its grand opening was celebrated by much drinking and revelry. Some are reported to have dived off the end despite many warnings, before coming back a few hours later to try again when the tide was in. This was followed by the Central Pier and the South Pier, and in 1902, construction of yet another was begun. Intended to stretch two miles from the promenade, by the time it reached the railway station, the builders realised they'd got it the wrong way round. To compete for trade lost to the piers, the Winter Gardens decided to build a huge wheel measuring 220 feet in diameter. This spun slowly from {??? unreadable}. It was never a great success, and finally closed in 1926 when the hamster died. Not broadcast]

The town became a health resort in the 18th century when bathing in seawater became a national craze. When it was time for the ladies to bathe, a bell was rung, and any gentleman found on the shore taking a peek was fined a shilling. Court records from 1757 reveal that one offender, Joshua Curtis, defended himself on the grounds that he'd gone deaf, and after medical reports confirmed this, he was fined a further half crown for gross public indecency.

Curiously, each planning application for a new entertainment in Blackpool results in mass objections from local residents, on the grounds that they're lowering the tone of the area, so the town hall switchboard should brace itself when I say...Let's meet the teams...

Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Blackpool, officially Europe's most popular coastal resort.

[ The town became a health resort in the 18th century when bathing in seawater became a national craze. When it was time for the ladies to bathe, a bell was rung, and any gentleman found on the shore taking a peek was fined a shilling. Court records from 1757 reveal that one offender, Joshua Curtis, defended himself on the grounds that he'd gone deaf, and after medical reports confirmed this, he was fined a further half crown for gross public indecency. Not broadcast]

The first of Blackpool's famous decorative illuminations were erected in Christmas 1912, when Princess Louise opened the Princess Parade. Her Royal Highness was then invited to inspect the seven miles of bulbs strung on poles...until she found the dud one that was stopping all the others from working.

The most famous pioneer of Blackpool's amusement business was Thomas Parkinson, who opened his first establishment on Queen's Promenande in the 1890s. As it was little more than a tiny wooden hut providing light refreshments, dancing and bingo sessions, he took its title from the book Uncle Tom's Cabin, and appropriately every Friday night the star bingo prize was a trip to the West Indies...chained to two thousand Africans in a leaking hulk.

In the 1930s, George Formby was a regular favourite at the Winter Gardens. With his trademark gapped teeth and ukelele, he stunned everyone when, in 1975, he came out of retirement in Kinshasa to fight Mohamud Ali for the World Heavyweight Title.

[ It was in Blackpool that Jaguar cars were first built. Originally called the Swallow Sidecar Company, its most successful model in the 1930s was a sports car known as the SS100. However, with the onset of war, this was thought to be inappropriate, so after much head scratching they changed the name to the 2.5 litre drophead Gestapo. The role of Blackpool was largely enabled by the coming of the railways, but these days with the opening of good motorway links, commuters can now easily take their cars right into the centre of Manchester...although most of them still come back by train.

Blackpool has recently become world renowned as a conference centre, and as the traditional home of the T.U.C.s annual conference, it was here in 1997 that they took the historic decision to scrap the old system of block votes, after one delegate ordered hot drinks and scotch delivered to 3.5 million white {??? unreadable} Not broadcast]

The Blackpool Magic Circle also holds its annual convention here, and this year their special guest speaker was our own Barry Cryer. In a consumate demonstration of the magician's art, the evening climaxed to the amazement of onlookers when Mysterious Marvo made Barry disappear in a flash...by asking "Whose round is it?".

We are fortunate today in being guests of Blackpool's Grand Theatre, whose proud boast is they'll only ever employ the biggest names in show business. On my right, Timothy Edward Albert Mandy Rice-Brooke-Taylor and Lord Anthony Hawks of Brighton and Hove, and on my left, Barry Barney McGrew Cuthbert Cryer O.B.E. S.F.A., and Dr. Graeme Angus Dougal Kensington Garden...

Blackpool
09 Dec 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at Sadler's Wells in London's Clerkenwell.

A small settlement was originally founded here many centuries ago as a stopping off point on the main route to London, when a turnpike was established to charge tolls on farmer's wagons and stagecoaches, in the certain knowledge that this would prevent any increased congestion of the city's streets. I can't imagine any fool trying that again.

By the 19th century, Clerkenwell was a bustling mix of artist's studios and ale houses, frequented by famous authors including John Bunyon. After he published his alegorical tale Pilgrim's Progress, Bunyon was honoured by the city fathers...by having a foot disorder named after him.

During the 20th century, Clerkenwell became known as 'Little Italy' when it changed sides half way through the Second World War.

Such is its fashionable reputation that this part of London is know known as the new Soho, with the result that the inevitable down-at-heel, seedy element is just beginning to emerge...Let's meet the teams...

Sadler's Wells
16 Dec 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a return visit to London's Clerkenwell, where we're guests of Sadler's Wells.

A music house was first founded on this site by one Richard Sadler in the 1680s. He discovered a well in his grounds when gravel was dug out for reconstruction work on nearby Pentonville Road, and as the audience make their way home later, they may care to inspect how it's getting on.

Sadler marketed his well water as a curative, and soon began to provide his customers with a variety of theatrical entertainment. The first act to top the bill was the 'Hibernian Cannibal'. To great amazement, the cannibal proceeded to eat a huge live cockerel which he consumed feather, feet and all, with a side order of fresh giblets and a pint of brandy. Few were surprised when the cannibal died of food poisoning three days later...after eating a donner kebab in Exmouth Market.

In late Victorian times, the theatre installed a skating rink; however their ambitious musical 'Joan Of Arc On Ice' was not a great success, despite the unintentional plot twist in the final scene when Joan was drowned.

By the 1930s, the theatre's reputation was enhanced by the establishement of Britain's first national ballet company. Since then, Sadler's Wells has seen many landmark productions, including Matthew Bourne's all-male version of Swan Lake. In their trademark silk tights and elegant feathers, what a magnificent sight the company made each evening...as the arrived to change into costume.

This reputation for nothing but the finest performing arts lives on today, and we have to thank Sadler's Wells for inviting the teams here to provide something in the way of comedy...and there's not many who can get in the way of comedy more than them...

Sadler's Wells
23 Dec 2002
Hello - this is Humphrey Lyttelton, coming to you from the palladian splendour of my withdrawing room, beautifully designed after Inigo Jones...about 250 years after Inigo Jones. The walls are lined with hunting trophies, including the heads of many ferocious cats, wild and domestic, alongside many ancestral portraits. Opposite, I can see the imposing face of the first Viscount Sir William Lyttelton, looking down at me with that trademark blank stare of his. Sir William...the nurse has arrived to take you back now. Off you go. I'll never know how he keeps escaping from that home.

It's here that I come to reflect, to compose, and to admire my mint collection of pre-war mints. And it was here at this very desk in fact, that the opening bars of my enormous success Bad Penny Blues first hit me...just after the shelf above me collapsed.

As 2002 draws to an end, I'd like to share with you my own chronicle of the last 12 months: a diary of news items that keeps me busy during quiet moments...such as sitting through recordings of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. My assistant Samantha is also here and ready to play extracts from the show, which I have been sent to remind me of what I missed. Some of these include items that first time round were unaccountably never broadcast...and several which quite inexplicably were...

2002 Christmas Special
30 Dec 2002
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today at the Theatre Royal in Plymouth, a fine city boasting a long history and rich culture.

The town is first recorded in cave drawings by local Celts, when they noticed an Iron Age tribe had arrived here to mine ore, and smelt in a basic fashion. To be fair, this was before the invention of bathrooms.

Probably Plymouth's most celebrated son is Sir Francis Drake. Sailing for the Caribbean in 1577, Drake and his men fought their way through a hundred leagues of the Spanish Main...ending a solid season as runners up in Division Two. When Drake returned home in triumph the following year, the delighted townsfolk swarmed out to greet him, dancing all the way from St Andrew's Cross to the famous Plymouth Sound...although it's said that Drake himself preferred the R&B derived Mersey Beat

Steeped as it is in the history of sea-faring, Plymouth attracts many visitors in search of ancient wrecks. Some less important examples can sit ignored for years, but still hold a small grain of historical interest for those prepared to look...Let's meet the teams...

Plymouth
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us back a second week in the Theatre Royal in the fine Devon city of Plymouth.

It was from here the Pilgrim Fathers set sail in 1620. Before boarding the Mayflower, these devout Puritans held a service of thanksgivings at the Plymouth Hoe...followed by hymns at the Exeter shovel, and prayers for the Torquay rotary mower. Their crossing was eventfull, and even saw the birth of a baby to Master and Mistress Hopkins. Inspired by the vast expanse of the Atlantic, they named the boy Oceanus Freedom Hopkins. By coincidence, exactly the same thing happened during a commemorative voyage in 1987, and what joy there was amongst the crew at the christening of Oil-slick Condom Johnson.

OK, let's get on and meet the teams, but before they're introduced by name, just pause to think - four bright-eyed, sharp young comedians, each one of them bursting with original ideas...that's what this show could have done with, but no...

Plymouth
14 Jun 1999
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show in which laughter follows fun as sure as night follows dawn. You join us today in the splendid Liverpool Playhouse.

Liverpool is a fine old city whose linguistic derivation is an interesting one. Apparently it takes its name from two old English words meaning 'boggy water'. The town is first mentioned in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle when King Edmund sailed up a creek of the Mersey and discovered muddy pools...who went on to become one of the greatest blues guitarists of the 9th century... Let's meet the teams. They're four performers who I first knew as hopeless beginners, barely able to string a joke together, and I can honestly say that success hasn't changed them at all...

Best of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - where fun and laughter get on like a mouse on fire.

You join us for a second week at the City Varieties Theatre in the fine Yorkshire town of Leeds. Founded on textiles, the city had, until 1969, one of the world's largest woollen mills...then someone pulled at a loose thread and the whole building unravelled.

No visit here would be complete without taking in the City Art Gallery. Sadly, Rosetti's famous pre-Raphaelite portrait of the young Queen Victoria as the Goddess Aphrodite drinking from the fountain of Zeus is no longer on show. It was found to be a fake when cleaning revealed she was wearing a Leeds Rugby League Club jersey. A silly mistake, as Queen Victoria was, of course, a Hull Kingston Rovers supporter.

Leeds' galleries and museums may contain countless priceless artefacts, but keen-eyed visitors may also find here certain curiosities of no financial value. Remnants from a bygone age guaranteed to kill half an hour. Let's meet the teams...

Leeds
18 May 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that never fails to cut the custard.

You join us at the Theatre Royal in Windsor, a town famously associated with our own Royal family. It was in 1917 that the house of Saxe-Coburg-Gothe took their new name from the place where they all spent most of their time; so by the same tradition, when Sarah Ferguson married Prince Andrew, she naturally assumed the title "Duchess of Airport".

Windsor Castle receives thousands of visitors each year who marvel at the recently completed restoration work undertaken painstakingly by a team of experts who took several months to work out the Latin for "In case of fire, break stained glass here". For the finest view, the famous round tower is best approached through Henry VIII's gateway...skirting by Queen Mary's Budgens and popping in to James II's Tesco Metro.

But Windsor has more to offer than just obviously popular attractions - indeed there are today several often ignored sites, completely unspoilt by endless queues of eager faces. Let me point out four of them...

Windsor
27 Apr 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that's guaranteed to bring the hearse down.

You join us today in the fine city of Birmingham. The town's industrial origins go back to the 14th century when peasants, finding iron ore and coal deposits, started to experiment to produce hot smelting fires and to fashion basic farm tools. It was only after decades of failure that they realised that iron doesn't burn and lumps of coal make lousy shovels - but they persevered, and eventually Birmingham expanded with the industrial revolution. Still little larger than a village in the 1790's, the population had grown by 1850 to nearly a quarter of a million, thanks to the success of high quality manufacturing, and the failure of low quality contraception.

With the growth in production came a canal system so extensive that Birmingham is often described as the 'Venice Of The North'. History relates that when Canaletto was commissioned to paint the Renaissance splendour of the Grand Canal, Venice, he climbed from the Piazzo San Marco onto the Bridge of Sighs, and admiring the Doges Palace remarked "Bloody 'ell! It looks just like Birmingham!"

We are today guests of Birmingham's Alexandra Theatre, where the newly refurbished stage accommodates lavish musical productions, and attracts top shows from the West End; but the Alex enjoys a broad repertoire and doesn't only present big names guaranteeing box office success...not by a long chalk! Let's meet the teams...

Birmingham
28 Dec 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show where the teams come in like a lion and go out like a light.

You find us once again in Windsor, the town which gave its name to a type of chair, a knot, and most famously a soup...although this was before the Royal Borough changed its name from Campbell's Cream Of Mushroom On Thames.

But a stones throw across the river is Eton, with its world renowned school. According to my guide notes, Eton's most famous former pupils include: the Duke of Wellington; William Gladstone; George Orwell; and Humphrey Lyttelton, the jazz musician and panel game host. They don't say what those other three were famous for.

Let's meet the teams. The same four comedians were here at the Theatre Royal last week when they produced a performance that's impossible to forget...I've been to hypnosis, but it didn't work...

Windsor
04 May 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that never fails to pull something surprising out of the bog.

You join us today in the fine city of Leeds which still has many reminders of the part it played in the Industrial Revolution. Starting at nearby Middleton is the oldest railway in England. With its original line and stock virtually unchanged since 1758, it was recently privatised and renamed the Midland Mainline to Euston service.

The city has connections with many famous people: well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett and Barry Cryer...used to know his milkman.

We are guests today of the City Varieties Theatre. This, the undisputed home of old-time music hall, is famous for folk who sport Edwardian costume, and I notice that our team members are dressed in suits of similar vintage...

Leeds
11 May 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Today we're coming to you from historic Oxford, whose interesting name apparently came about when an observant local noticed an ox in a ford and thought it would make a nice name for a university city. Interestingly enough, things noticed in stretches of water have, for a long time, provided the inspiration for the names of towns: there's Catford; Bedford; the Irish town of Waterford; and, of course, Brokenpramacoupleofoldbootsandabicycleford... Oxford
20 Jun 1992
Hello & welcome to a brand new, fresh faced, and dimple-cheeked series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Today we find ourselves amid the ancient splendours of Buxton, an historic market town whose natural wonders included: several warm springs, popular with the Romans; its limestone caves, popular with the Victorians; and its Tim Brooke-Taylor, popular with the Normans - that's Mr & Mrs Wallace Norman of 52 Cherry Orchard Drive; and if that were not ancient splendours enough would you welcome on my left, Barry Cryer & Graeme Garden, and on my right Willie Rushton & the Buxtonian himself Tim Brooke-Taylor... Buxton
14 Nov 1992
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that does for comedy what the Ice Age did for the woolly mammoth. Once again we're coming to you from the Palace Hotel in the delightful spa town of Buxton, which is coincidentally the home town of our own Tim Brooke-Taylor, and in honour of his many achievements, I can proudly reveal that the town has recently bestowed upon him the Freedom Of His Bedroom... Buxton
21 Nov 1992
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that has done for comedy...

Today we're in Chichester, an ancient market town which I understand was originally given its name by a galley load of invading Roman stutterers...who were hoping to settle in Chester...

Chichester
12 Dec 1992
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Today we're broadcasting from the Minerva Theatre in Chichester, where the show is certain to go down awfully well this time...oh, sorry, that should read 'where the show is certain to go down awfully. Well, this time...' Chichester
19 Dec 1992
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us today at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre in Guildford, a town offering many surprises to the first time visitor. It's not every Surrey commuter town that can boast not only a bustling Bohemian Latin quarter, but also a Moorish citadel surounded by a warren of dark, sinister streets that provided film locations for Truffaud, Fasbinder and Bergman...and neither can Guildford.

The town really started to grow during the industrial revolution after the construction of the Way navigation canal, providing 19th century merchants with a means to distribute their new products, and 20th century consumers with somewhere to dump their old ones.

In 1837, Josiah Hawkins came here to build England's first ever paper mill. Sadly, during the great gale of 1838, it blew away.

As today's show is the first in a brand new series, we have new games, new songs, and a new time slot. In fact it's difficult to think of a single element that isn't fresh and up to date. Four elements however...

Guildford
24 May 1999
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us once again at the splendid Yvonne Arnaud Theatre in Guildford.

The town is first recorded in the 9th century, when King Alfred used Guildford as a base to launch his attack on Danish held London, his army managing to reach the outskirts of the city in less than 6 hours, a feat occasionally matched to this day by South West Trains.

Nearby are many natural attractions including one of Surrey's highest points at Leaf Hill. Allowing for the weather, on a reasonable day you can see as far as Sevenoaks...on a perfect day, you can't see it at all.

You find us back for a second show here, and after last week's, there was only one word to describe the teams' performances - 'staggering'. Let's hope they've sobered up a bit...

Guildford
31 May 1999
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us for a second week in Birmingham, a city with a proud history in scientific discovery. Here in the last century, William Murdoch devised gas lighting, Joseph Priestley discovered oxygen, and James Watt pioneered steam power, their combined efforts producing the first British attempt at the World Land Speed All Night Underwater Steam Roller record.

Other famous Brummies include the political thinker Joseph Chamberlain, whose sons Austin and Neville also left their marks. Austin lent his name to the popular car manufactured nearby - the Chamberlain Allegro GLX, while one-time mayor Neville Chamberlain did so much to ensure the restructuring of the city centre...when he failed to prevent World War II.

Names from the arts include the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins, who became more popular when he dropped the name Gerard, donned a blond wig, and sang the 1969 Eurovision entry 'Those Were The Days'. Romantic novellist Barbara Cartland was born at nearby Edgbaston, and made regular return visits, until the unfortunate occasion when she was asked to smile for the cameras, and three photographers died in a chalk dust explosion.

It's time we met the teams who will do battle in what is the last match in the current series; and what a competition we have in store. Possibly the most thrilling confrontation since Daniel stepped into the Lyon's Corner House...

Birmingham
04 Jan 1999
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us this week at the Civic Theatre in Darlington, the fine town which proudly claims to be the unofficial capital of southern County Durham.

One of the most admired features of Darlington is St. Cuthbert's Church. According to legend, the holy relics of St. Cuthbert were brought to the town by monks at the time of the Viking raids and concealed on the site of the current church. Some years later, the townsfolk returned St. Cuthbert's relics to Lindisfarne, who were so delighted they treated the town to an impromptu performance of Fog On The Tyne. The church of St. Cuthbert was actually built in the 12th century by Bishop Pudsey, who preached in his purple robe and wearing a spotted handkerchief knotted over one eye.

In the early 19th century, Darlington's thriving cattle market was at the centre of an agricultural revolution. Two local farmers, Robert and Charles Colling, experimented with the breeding of short-horned cattle, which resulted in the famous Durham Ox. One prime specimen known as 'The Comet' which weighed in at 189 stone, won many prizes at the Durham show in 1810. Her Royal Highness Princess Louise honoured the brothers when she personally inspected and tied rosettes on their gigantic ox.

The story of Darlington's history is neatly encompassed in its coat of arms: the cross of St. Cuthbert represents the town's resistance to Viking raids; a bull's head signifies the local breeding of fine cattle; and white chevrons with black lines indicate no overtaking on an urban freeway.

Darlington's history since 1825 is, of course, synonimous with the railway, when the scheme to run a line from Darlington to Stockton was hatched by a local businessman Edward Pease. He had settled here to found the local Quaker movement, a new religion designed to promote his range of porridge oats. Pease commissioned the engineer George Stephenson, and soon the world's first passenger railway was opened. Stephenson's engine was a wonder of single compression cylinder technology called 'The Locomotion', which although requiring a whole new range of skills, was remarkably simple to operate, as illustrated by this extract taken from the original instruction handbook: "My little baby sister can do it with ease. It's easier than learning your ABC's. So come on, come on, do The Locomotion with me." Within weeks, 600 passengers were catching the train to Stockton every day, until after two months, the town was completely deserted. A trend which I can sense might be revived when I say "Let's meet the teams..."

Darlington
26 May 2003
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us for a second week at the Civic Theatre in Darlington, a fine town nestling on the County Durham and North Yorkshire border. According to local folklore, this area was once the domain of a notorious creature called the Sockburn Worm. Such was the terror wreaked by this beast, that the Prince Bishop of Durham himself offered a reward to anyone able to rid him of this terrible beast. The worm was eventually slain by one John Conyers, and to this very day every year, a special public ceremony is held at which the senior member of the Conyers family has the great honour of de-worming the Bishop of Durham.

As the area around the Tees valley around the town is well known for the proliferation of cuckoos, Darlington is home to the British Cuckoo Society, who's office is to be found on Church Street. It's actually a branch of the Halifax, but whenever they go out to lunch, they come back to find the Cuckoo Society has moved in.

However, they're not alone in their position of receiving unwanted visitors trying to get something for nothing. Let's meet the teams...

Darlington
02 Jun 2003
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us this week in historic Buxton, a fine town with much to interest the visitor. Buxton is, of course, world famous for high quality mineral waters from its ancient spa, although I'm required to point out that they are also available from other good supermarkets.

Probably Buxton's most famous historical visitor was Mary Queen of Scots, who came here to take the waters in search of a cure for her dropsy-induced headaches, a problem that was later cured permanently by Elizabeth I. Mary stayed at the Old Hall Hotel, where she famously scratched messages to the townsfolk on a window pane with her diamond ring. These included: "I am the only true Queen of England"; and "Why does the shower curtain never seem to work?"

Today, we're honoured to be guests on the 100th anniversary of the Buxton Opera House's first opening night. Early performances at the new Opera House included many by the great stars of the day, and it was here that the great Anna Pavlova was honoured by having a dessert named after her. Pavlova was, of course, a stage name, she having, in fact, been christened Sherry Trifle.

The theatre is said to be haunted by the ghost of a poor soul who became so distraught at one of the first performances that he threw himself from the upper circle, which is why safety barriers have had to be erected before I can say "Let's meet the teams"...

Buxton
09 Jun 2003
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

We welcome you to join us for a second week in the delightful spa town of Buxton. It was the Romans who first developed this area. It is recorded that they arrived in November 70 A.D. and discovered a warm spring...but the Roman calendar was always a bit odd.

In the 18th century, the Duke of Devonshire decided to develop the town's natural hot springs as a spa, and turn Buxton into a sort of small Bath...at which time he changed the town's name to Bidet. Nearby is the cavern known as the Robber Pool, named after a notorious highwayman who lived there. However, when additional troops were needed to protect the town from attack, he was pardoned after he rode non-stop to London on an unsaddled wild stallion. His reward was a small plot of land where he tended his two acres...

Surrounding Buxton are the beautiful hills of the Derbyshire Peak District, where many rock climbers enjoy their sport, and indeed Sir Edmund Hilary came here to prepare before going off to Everest...to become a double glazing salesman.

Other famous names associated with Buxton include: Dave Lee Travis, better known to radio listeners as 'D.L.T.', ever since he came second in the national Name That Sandwich competition; and, of course, our very own Tim Brooke-Taylor was born here, and was recently honoured by being given the Keys of the City - Buxton having specially revived the post of official Town Caretaker.

Although Buxton is set over 1000 feet up in the Derbyshire Peak District, there's more to this part of the world than just peaks - quite the opposite - as you learn when I say "Let's meet the teams"...

Buxton
16 Jun 2003
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us this week in Torquay, the fine holiday resort on the South Devon coast. The area around Torbay has much to offer the interested visitor, including Kent's Cavern. It was in these caves that archæologists unearthed Britain's earliest evidence of human habitation from the neolithic age, including a rudimentary toilet consisting of a prehistoric hole in the ground...and that's not the area's only connection with France. The modern town owes its expansion to the Napoleonic Wars, when Torbay was developed as a naval base. Admiral Lord Nelson was hospitalised in Torquay after losing an eye at the Battle Of The Nile, and it was here that he famously remarked to his surgeons "I'd give my right arm to have that eye back." [ We can only imagine Nelson's fury when it turned out that they had, in fact, removed the left arm instead. Not broadcast] In 1815, Napoleon himself was brought here on his way into exile. He was billetted with his guards at a local inn for a short while, and it was after this that he sent a note that read Not tonight Josephine. I've just been forced to spend the night in the Duke Of Wellington.

The splendid Oldways Mansion was built at nearby Paignton by Isaac Singer, the American-born industrialist, and sewing machine magnate. His son further developed the family's home, and as an early manufacturer of domestic freezers, became known as the world's first fridge magnate.

Rudyard Kipling also lived at Paignton, and there wrote his immortal lines: If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs, then why not treat yourself to one of my exceedingly good cakes.

Indeed, this part of the world can boast more than its fair share of famous names, so let me provide something in the way of balance. Let's meet the teams...

Torquay
23 Jun 2003
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us for a second week in Torquay, the Queen of the English Riviera. In the 18th century, this coastline became the notorius haunt of smugglers, who constantly evaded capture to the irritation of customs officers. Contraband would be unloaded and carried under cover of darkness from nearby Smuggler's Cove to the cellar of the Smuggler's Inn. If only the customs men had had more to go on.

Probably Torquay's most famous daughter was the author and playwright Agatha Christie. Her stage drama 'The Mousetrap' has been running continuously in the West End of London since 1952...but in those days they did tend to write much longer plays. 'The Mousetrap' was actually adapted from Christie's radio drama 'Three Blind Mice', but the title was later changed as everyone quickly worked out that it was the farmer's wife who did it.

However, Torquay is not without its stage mysteries. Let me introduce four of them...

Torquay
30 Jun 2003
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in High Wycombe, a town boasting a rich and varied past.

The very name High Wycombe has an interesting derivation - the Saxon word 'Wyc' means a small village community, 'Combe' was the Celtic word for a small depression or hollow, while the middle English 'High' has the same meaning as today, hence the literal translation 'Hello, villagers who live in a hole!'.

The area's wealth was built on the manufacture of traditional furnishings, and High Wycombe quickly became known as the furniture capital of England; and then with the growth in demand for chests of drawers and fancy footstools, Wycombe was elevated to the tall-boy and pouffe capital of Britain.

Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike.

The Chiltern Hills are famous for the health-giving properties of their fine spring waters, but when bottles were recently discovered to contain urine, they were quickly withdrawn from supermarket shelves...and moved round to the own-brand lager section.

The area is also home to many celebrities, including Sporty Spice, Noel Gallagher and Kate Moss, and according to the official guide, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor lives within spitting distance...So while he wipes himself down, let's meet the other team members...

ISIHAC 7, Side 1
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us once again in Brighton, the fine Sussex town that was the inspiration for such works as 'Vanity Fair', 'Dombey & Son' and 'Brighton Rock'. Later of course, Stan Getz came here to write his 1960s classical smba 'The Girl From Ipanema'. Driving along the front, he noticed an attractive women whose every movement turned mens heads, so he stopped the car to ask if she could sing. Well, the magistrate didn't believe him either, so he was fined ten guineas and sent back to Brazil, and that's why we never hear his other great title 'The Girl Called Easy Lil From Burgess Hill'.

An ancient settlement was recorded here by the Romans, who noted the area for its Neolithic Camp, a style later replaced by the Anglo Saxon Mince.

Proud of its heritage, Brighton City Council has taken to naming its buses after local landmarks and people, such as the boxer Chris Eubank, The Devil's Dyke, Julie Burchill, and a nice couple from Hove...Mr & Mrs 23B.

Whilst the Brighton of today is best known for its fashoinable chic, and the stylish modernity of its young and vibrant population, there are extreme contrasts. Let's meet four of them...

ISIHAC 7, Side 2
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Bristol, a fine city boasting a rich history and culture.

In its heyday, Bristol's dock area was known for its many taverns, and it was in one of these that Daniel Defoe met Alexander Selkirk. Over many hours, during a long evening of ales and porters, Selkirk regailed Defoe with his endless stories. It was this meeting that inspired Defoe to write his most famous novel - 'How I Had My Arse Bored Off By A Drunken Scotsman'. Defoe later went on to write Robinson Crusoe, based on Selkirk's story of being stranded on a desert island with the company of just one other human, whom he named 'Sue Lawley'.

In the 19th century, the docks became central to Bristol's industrialisation, and two great monuments to this period remain today - the Clifton Suspension Bridge, and the SS Great Britain. With its mighty stone block towers and steel rope construction, it's little wonder the ship sank on her maiden voyage, after she was hit by a huge paddle-wheel that fell off the bridge.

In 1910, Britain's first commercial aircraft factory was established at nearby Filton to manufacture the 'Bristol Boxkite'. Despite the Boxkite's limited range, commercial flights soon began, with routes going as far as...the string would stretch. In the 1950's, the factory turned to making luxury cars such as the 'Bristol Bulldog' and the 'Bristol 401', which still have an enthusiastic following today. Every summer, the owner's club meets to display their classic vehicles, and while they chat and swop stories, members' wives proudly clean and polish their Bristols which are then displayed and judged by the mayor.

These days, several famous names live here, including the television actor Tony Robinson, who so hilariously plays the scruffy, idiot sidekick in...Time Team. Another resident is Paul McGann from the famous actor family which includes his brothers Joe, Mark and Renault.

We are today guests of the Theatre Royal in Bristol. As the oldest theatre in Britain, it still retains many interesting architectural features, including a Georgian proscenium arch and Victorian gas-lamp holders. And if the audience should care to look upwards, they'll see the ornately decorated ceiling is studded with stars. If they look at the stage, however...

ISIHAC 7, Side 3
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us this week amid the ancient splendour of Norwich, a fine city boasting many famous names.

The future King, Henry Tudor, set up base here, when the Houses of York and Lancaster fought the Wars of the Roses, for control of the chocolate sweet market.

As the locality has no indiginous rock supply, Norwich was built largely of flint, and here was born the craft of 'flint-knapping'. Knappers would hold a flint between their thighs to hit it with a lump hammer. These craftsmen gave us the term 'knapsack'...a painful medical condition caused by missing the flint.

Later the city became populated by Flemish weavers, who brought with them the art of canary breeding, and in a recently converted Norwich church is found the National Canary Museum, where visitors are invited to climb the tower, ring the bell, and smack their heads against a small mirror.

TV cook Delia Smith lives nearby, and as director of Norwich City Football Club, has brought fine food to the terraces, hence the fans' chant of "Who ate all the boeuf en croute with cranberry sauce?"

Another well-known business based here is Norwich Union, the insurance company that was once claimed to be the largest in the world, although this claim was rejected...along with all the others.

Well with us tonight, we have the same four comedians who joined us last week, and you know, when we made that show, I didn't expect them to be half as good...but they were! {Gap in intro after teams and Samantha introduced, then:}

Modern Norwich is also famous for its six breweries, each providing guided tours and free tastings. Few visitors ever manage to sample the delights of all of them in a single afternoon, but let's meet four who did...

ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You're welcome to join us this week in Bradford, at the fine Alhambra Theatre.

Bradford is not only a tiny picturesque village of mellow Bath stone cottages, nestling along the banks of the river Avon, but is also 150 miles away in Wiltshire, as today we're in the Yorkshire city of Bradford, which boasts a rich and varied history.

The name of the town is derived from 'broad ford' because of the river crossing here, which was wide and convenient for dumping stolen Escorts. Originally a small Saxon village, little of the original settlement survives, apart from a fine 15th century cathedral, which took 194 years to complete. A construction period of nearly two centuries may seem ridiculous to us, but of course builders were a lot quicker in those days.

The town's prosperity grew thanks to the wool trade, and during the Royalist seige of the Civil War, balls of wool were even hung on the city walls to protect them from cannon fire. This proved largely ineffective, as the Royalists hurled large numbers of playful kittens to bat them and unroll them.

The productivity of the woollen mills was raised beyond measure in 1798 with the arrival of steam power. The engineer James Watt, who having noticed how the steam from a boiling kettle forced its lid open, was inspired to build his labour-saving machine. With reciprocating three foot piston cylinders, connected by a massive cast-iron cantilever beam, Watt had created the world first seven ton teasmade.

Bradford is also known for the arts, and the composer Frederick Delius was born here. He, of course, wrote 'Sonata for Strings' and 'Dance Rhapsody No. 2', but is perhaps best remembered for 'Delius - How To Cook'. Bradford was also known for the excellence of its Edwardian theatre, which pioneered pantomime, music hall and classical drama. It was here in 1905 that the great actor/manager Sir Henry Irving, then in the twilight of his life, made his last performance. Having given a hushed audience his bloody Thomas A'Becket murder scene, Irving sadly collapsed and died. It was most unfortunate, as he was actually playing Widow Twanky at the time. But there's more to Bradford today than just famous people dying on stage...Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC 8, Side 1
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us this week in Torquay, the fine holiday resort on the South Devon coast. In the 18th century, this coastline became the notorius haunt of smugglers, who constantly evaded capture to the irritation of customs officers. Contraband would be unloaded and carried under cover of darkness from nearby Smuggler's Cove to the cellar of the Smuggler's Inn. If only the customs men had had more to go on.

The area around Torbay has much to offer the interested visitor, including Kent's Cavern. It was in these caves that archæologists unearthed Britain's earliest evidence of human habitation from the neolithic age, including a rudimentary toilet consisting of a prehistoric hole in the ground...and that's not the area's only connection with France. The modern town owes its expansion to the Napoleonic Wars, when Torbay was developed as a naval base. Admiral Lord Nelson was hospitalised in Torquay after losing an eye at the Battle Of The Nile, and it was here that he famously remarked to his surgeons "I'd give my right arm to have that eye back." In 1815, Napoleon himself was brought here on his way into exile. He was billetted with his guards at a local inn for a short while, and it was after this that he sent a note that read Not tonight Josephine. I've just been forced to spend the night in the Duke Of Wellington.

The splendid Oldways Mansion was built at nearby Paignton by Isaac Singer, the American-born industrialist, and sewing machine magnate. His son further developed the family's home, and as an early manufacturer of domestic freezers, became known as the world's first fridge magnate.

Rudyard Kipling also lived at Paignton, and there wrote his immortal lines: If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs, then why not treat yourself to one of my exceedingly good cakes.

Indeed, this part of the world can boast more than its fair share of famous names, so let me provide something in the way of balance. Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC 8, Side 2
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us this week at the Civic Theatre in Darlington, the fine town nestling on the County Durham and North Yorkshire border. According to local folklore, this area was once the domain of a notorious creature called the Sockburn Worm. Such was the terror wreaked by this beast, that the Prince Bishop of Durham himself offered a reward to anyone able to rid him of this terrible beast. The worm was eventually slain by one John Conyers, and to this very day every year, a special public ceremony is held at which the senior member of the Conyers family has the great honour of de-worming the Bishop of Durham.

The story of Darlington's history is neatly encompassed in its coat of arms: the cross of St. Cuthbert represents the town's resistance to Viking raids; a bull's head signifies the local breeding of fine cattle; and white chevrons with black lines indicate no overtaking on an urban freeway.

Darlington's history since 1825 is, of course, synonimous with the railway, when the scheme to run a line from Darlington to Stockton was hatched by a local businessman Edward Pease. He had settled here to found the local Quaker movement, a new religion designed to promote his range of porridge oats. Pease commissioned the engineer George Stephenson, and soon the world's first passenger railway was opened. Stephenson's engine was a wonder of single compression cylinder technology called 'The Locomotion', which although requiring a whole new range of skills, was remarkably simple to operate, as illustrated by this extract taken from the original instruction handbook: "My little baby sister can do it with ease. It's easier than learning your ABC's. So come on, come on, do The Locomotion with me." Within weeks, 600 passengers were catching the train to Stockton every day, until after two months, the town was completely deserted.

As the area around the Tees valley around the town is well known for the proliferation of cuckoos, Darlington is home to the British Cuckoo Society, who's office is to be found on Church Street. It's actually a branch of the Halifax, but whenever they go out to lunch, they come back to find the Cuckoo Society has moved in.

However, they're not alone in their position of receiving unwanted visitors trying to get something for nothing. Let's meet the teams..."

ISIHAC 8, Side 3
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us this week in historic Buxton, a fine town with much to interest the visitor. It was the Romans who first developed this area. It's recorded that they arrived in November 70 A.D., and discovered a warm spring...but the Roman calendar was always a bit odd.

Probably Buxton's most famous historical visitor was Mary Queen Of Scots who came here to take the waters in search of a cure for her dropsy induced headaches...a problem that was later cured permanently by Elizabeth II. Mary stayed at the Old Hall Hotel where she famously scratched messages to the townsfolk on a window pane with her diamond ring. These included: "I am the only true Queen of England"; and "Why does the shower curtain never seem to work?"

Today, we're honoured to be guests on the 100th anniversary of the Buxton Opera House's first opening night. Early performances at the new Opera House included many by the great stars of the day, and it was here that the great Anna Pavlova was honoured by having a dessert named after her. Pavlova was, of course, a stage name, she having, in fact, been christened Sherry Trifle.

Surrounding Buxton are the beautiful hills of the Derbyshire Peak District, where many rock climbers enjoy their sport, and indeed Sir Edmund Hilary came here to prepare before going off to Everest...to become a double glazing salesman.

Other famous names associated with Buxton include: Dave Lee Travis, better known to radio listeners as 'D.L.T.', ever since he came second in the national Name That Sandwich competition.

Although Buxton is set over 1000 feet up in the Derbyshire Peak District, there's more to this part of the world than just peaks - quite the opposite - as you learn when I say "Let's meet the teams"...

ISIHAC 8, Side 4
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You're welcome to join us this week from the Theatre Royal in Winchester, a fine city set at the heart of the ancient kingdom of Wessex. It was the Romans who established a town here on the site of a small British settlement, and called it 'Wenterbelgarum'. The Latin word 'Wenter' simply meant 'home', while the word 'Belgarum' indicated a base of rocky hills or tors, hence the literal translation 'Home-Base-Tors'.

With the withdrawal of the Romans, the town went into decline until revived as a Saxon stronghold to fend off the Vikings. Much of England to the North-West was terrorised by invading Danes, who forced the native populus to endure such hardships as pillage, slavery, torture and bacon slices pumped full of water.

With the building of the cathedral, the city became the venue for Royal weddings. In 1002, Emma, the daughter of the Duke of Normandy, came here to marry Ethelred The Unready, who used the occasion to launch his unsuccessful range of torch batteries.

With the city constantly expanding, St John's Hospital was built here in A.D. 935. Their first ever patient is recorded as one Will The Shepherd. His decendants still live in the area, and treasure the document confirming his admission date, which has been passed down the family since the very day it was received...in 1984. St John's is believed to be the oldest medieval hospital in Britain. The N.H.S. recently began a modernization programme...to bring all their others up to this standard.

Well, it's now time to meet the teams, and this week we have four comedians off the television...and there aren't many who've been off the television as long as these...

Winchester
17 Nov 2003
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us for a second week at the Theatre Royal in Winchester, an ancient and fascinating city.

Under the rule of Alfred The Great, Winchester became the capital city of England. Alfred reunited the kingdom in the face of Danish invasion, and became known as the Father of the English Navy...as he had several dozen girlfriends in Portsmouth.

With the establishment of the cathedral, Winchester became favoured by Royalty. In 1554, the Archbishop of Canterbury came here and married Queen Mary and King Philip of Spain...and was subsequently excommunicated for committing bigamy.

The cathedral is today a major attraction, and houses the 12th century Winchester Bible, which is beautifully illuminated. This Christmas, they're hoping to get Ainsley Harriot to switch it on.

The poet John Keats wrote several of his odes in Winchester. It was here, living in abject poverty, that he composed Ode To Autumn, Ode To A Nightingale, and Ode To A Bookmaker The Sum Of One Hundred Quid Lost On Grecian Urn At Kempton Park With A Win Double On Mellow Fruitfulness In The Three-Fifteen.

Another famous name with local associations is that of Jane Austen, who's pictured in the city's portrait gallery with her hair in a bun. That was the evidence that got her sacked from the Winchester Grill Burger Bar. Austen's arrival in Winchester marked the end of her professional career...Let's meet the teams...

Winchester
24 Nov 2003
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us today in Southsea, the fine Hampshire coast town where visitors with an interest in history seek out the many exhibitions and museums to see how a simple island race lived in the distant past. Alternatively, they can hop on a ferry to the Isle Of Wight.

The town serves as the residential district of Portsmouth. Although a small naval base since Roman times, the port really grew when Henry VII had his dry dock built here. He hadn't intended it to be a dry dock - that only came about after the running of it passed to Southern Water plc. Most famously, the port is associated with Lord Nelson's flagship, the Victory, to which visitors flock to see the very spot where the great man fell. It's marked by a plaque reading "Here, on July 12th 1798, Lord Nelson tripped over a bloke screwing a brass plate to the deck, after inadvertently putting his patch on the wrong eye."

Let's meet the teams...

Southsea
25 May 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the show that's never afraid to grab the bull by the horn.

You join us for a second week at the King's Theatre in Southsea, for what is the last programme in the current series, and there isn't a single word in our language that can express how we all feel at this news...it takes a minimum of four - absolutely, delighted, thoroughly, relieved.

Southsea and neighbouring Portsmouth share links with many famous historical figures: Isambard Kingdom Brunel was born here, and christened in the local church amid great celebration as his parents had just won the first two prizes in Southsea's Most stupid novelty name for a small child competition. Now, after our panel appeared here last week and promised a second show, a throng of locals besieged the theatre, queueing overnight for returns...but the manager refused point blank to take any tickets back, so the teams do actually have an audience, and here are the teams...

Southsea
01 Jun 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You join us this week at the Devonshire Park Theatre in the fine south coast resort of Eastbourne, a town which literally drips with history.

The earliest settlement here on a stream, or 'bourne', had no name, but as the hamlet grew, a competition was held to choose a title to suit this town to the east of the bourne. On the day of the final entries, Haley's Comet passed over, and the new name became Bourne Under A Wanderin' Star. However, following copyright problems with the writers of Paint Your Wagon, it was changed to Oklahoma! This resulted in obvious confusion with coach parties travelling to the American mid-west in search of a bingo hall; and so the town became Eastbourne.

[ Eastbourne grew rapidly as a garrison town during the Napoleonic Wars, when troops were massed here to embark for Waterloo...but as usual the 8.45 stopping train was cancelled, so they went to Belgium instead. There, they met Napoleon in a conflict which was to give the famous railway station its name: the Battle Of...Maidstone West.

During Victorian times, the town centre was rebuilt under the Duke of Devonshire, who sent Henry Curry on a tour of Europe to collect architectural ideas. Curry travelled to Paris, Berlin and Pisa, the result being the fine neo-classical construction in Grove Road...known as the Leaning Wall Of Eiffel. Not broadcast]

Noted historic buildings in Eastbourne include the Old Manor House, where recent restoration work has revealed a hidden wall mosaic and a priest hole, but despite putting traps down, they haven't caught him yet.

In 1847, a sporting activity was established at Devonshire Park to prepare English ladies tennis players for Wimbledon. Training involved a single player hitting a ball against the side of the club house, and every summer since, Eastbourne has echoed to the cry of "Advantage - Brick wall".

Eastbourne has long been the subject of Royal patronage, the connection specially commemorated during the Silver Jubilee, when the Mayor, Winifred Lee, was presented to the Queen Mother...most other towns just gave her a box of chocolates.

[ In the 1930s, the young Princesses, Elizabeth and Margaret holidayed here, and built castles on the beach. However, these had to come down after they were refused planning permission on the grounds that the sisters already had seven between them. Not broadcast]

With its close proximity to France, these days Eastbourne is a popular summer choice for students on school shop-lifting exchanges.

Charles Darwin developed his theory of evolution here, and his great great great great grandson still lives in the town, where he retired after a long career on television...appearing in adverts for PG Tips.

A regular summer visitor here was the writer Richmal Crompton, who was responsible for bringing us the amusing little character...Martin Jarvis.

A famous resident today is Dame Vera Lynn, who's something of an ambassador for Eastbourne, always turning out to greet famous celebrities whenever they visit the town, so we have to wish her a very pleasant evening...in front of the television, as I introduce the teams...

Eastbourne
01 Dec 2003
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to Eastbourne, the popular resort on what's known as the Côte d'Azur of Sussex: 'Côte' meaning 'coast' and 'Azure' meaning 'blue rinse'.

It was in 1903 that Eastbourne came to the world's attention as the first town to create a municipal bus company running steam-powered coaches. However, the people of Bexhill rioted in fear of such modern technology when the service was extended there last year.

[ In 1911, Britian's first flying school was opened nearby, and trained airmen for the First World War. When the clubhouse was refurbished recently in order to get an extended hours drinks licence, the school was invited to train pilots for British Airways. During World War II, Eastbourne became the first British town to be the target of a bombing raid, but with improvements in aircraft range, the RAF soon began to bomb Germany instead. At the start of the war, many school children were evacuated here from London, but being too close to the action, they were soon taken by train to Coventry.

Noted historic buildings in Eastbourne include the Old Manor House, where recent restoration work has revealed a hidden wall mosaic and a priest hole, but despite putting traps down, they haven't caught him yet.

In 1968, the eminent archaeologist Laurence Stevens discovered evidence here of the use of crude stone pots and flint knives...and vowed never to eat in that café again. Not broadcast]

Famous names associated with Eastbourne include Douglas Bader, and the town's museum holds some of his personal possesions. These include his last school report which reads: "In future, Bader really must learn to pull his socks up." [ Contained in a special display cabinet can be found Bader's artificial limbs. During the dedication ceremony, the Mayor put the left leg in, then the right leg in, did the hokey-cokey and he turned around...

Political thinkers Marx and Engels came here to formulate their Communist Party Manifesto, but the pair fell out over whether it really was the worker's inalienable right to control the means of productivity, so Marx instead opened a small underpants shop with his friend Spencer. Not broadcast]

The composer Debussy, inspired by the view from his balcony, wrote his orchestral work La Mer at Eastbourne's Grand Hotel. The following year he returned, but being allocated a room without a sea view, wrote his less popular piece, La Tesco's Car Park.

Okay audience, let's see who we've got lined up on the teams for you. Well, talk about four top class original comedians...that'll give you something to take your minds off this for the next half hour...

Eastbourne
15 Dec 2003
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today in Leeds, the fine Yorkshire city that boasts a rich history.

By the 13th century, Leeds had grown to become the largest wool producer in England, and the prosperity of the town was based solely on all things woollen; consequently the population soared from a few hundred to over six thousand, at which point, loose-knit condoms fell out of favour.

During the Civil War, Charles I was a fugitive here, and stayed at the Kings Head for threepence a night. Over a century later when Lord Nelson visited, he stayed at the Admiral's Rest for half a guinea, while Lady Hamilton lodged at the Whippet Inn for sixpence.

Wool production in Leeds only began to lose prominence with the Industrial Revolution. As industry grew, the Leeds to Liverpool canal was constructed. This was opened in 1816 in great ceremony by the two City Mayors, although it's recorded that the Mayor of Liverpool stole the show.

We are today at Leeds' magnificent Grand Theatre & Opera House in its 125th anniversary year...so it's only appropriate that we should be honoured by the presence of some of the greatest comedians in the country. How nice to see the board of Leeds United in the audience...

Leeds
08 Dec 2003
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us for a second week in the fine city of Leeds, at the Grand Theatre & Opera House.

Leeds was really put on the map by the Industrial Revolution, and the world's first commercial steam railway opened here in 1814. Called the Middleton Colliery Railway, it's advanced technology and efficiency of operation was considered a modern marvel...when visited last week by the operators of Arriva Trains Northern.

[ During Victorian times, Leeds became a haven for Jewish refugees from Europe, Irish workers fleeing the potato famine, and Indian families from the sub-continent. Evidence of this rich cultural mix is still to be seen in the tandoori gefilte fish stalls in front of Murphy's Builders and Barmitzva Service Not broadcast]

Among the many businesses to start here was that of John Waddington, who opened a shop on Bridge Street, which he visited every time he threw a double six. Waddington soon built a factory to produce board games, but this was the scene of rioting by Luddites, so named because they refused to accept the new Ludo technology. [ However, the enterprise thrived until 1939 when Waddington's factory switched to helping the war effort. At one time the produced Monopoly boards for British P.O.W.s in Germany, which included hidden maps and compasses to aid escapes. One group of intrepid escapees tunnelled for 18 months, only to come up underneath a hotel and had to pay £200 because it was on Regent Strasse. Not broadcast]

In 1884, Marks & Spencer opened their first shop in Leeds, and took as their trademark St Michael - the Patron Saint of returned cardigans. [ Montagu Burton also established his first outlet here. With the shortage of property he was forced to take premises that were far too large...but they son rode up with wear. Not broadcast]

In Victorian times, many Leeds businessmen provided funds for civic amenities, including the Tetley family of brewers, who built a hostel for the destitute. However, down-and-outs were surprised to find that they were kicked out every night at ten thirty to shouts of "Ain't you got no 'omes to go to?" [ and in 1872 Leeds Grammar was founded. The school still keeps a small collection of artefacts bequethed by their benefactor, John Harrison, who aimied to provide the city's literacy through his philanthropy. Remarkably though, there seems to be no trace of his stamp collection Not broadcast]

With the advent of the First World War, the Leeds Rifles were formed, and it was they who played that game of football against German troops in no-mans-land on Christmas Day 1914. However the spirit of the game was spoiled when the German centre forward executed a superb diving header...and then ran off with the ball stuck on his spike. After the war, the Leeds Rifles returned to join Leeds City Football Club, which was later renamed and became the team we all know so well today as...Leeds United Nil.

Famous celebrities associated with Leeds include: Sir Jimmy Savile; Peter O'Toole; Alan Bennett; and of course, our own Barry Cryer...has seen them on the telly. So let's meet him and the rest of the teams who always guarantee a laugh a minute...without ever specifying which minute...

Leeds
22 Dec 2003
Hello & welcome to a brand new series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today in the splendid Liverpool Playhouse.

Liverpool is a fine old city whose linguistic derivation is an interesting one. Apparently it takes its name from two old English words meaning 'boggy water'. The town is first mentioned in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle when King Edmund sailed up a creek of the Mersey and discovered muddy pools...who went on to become one of the greatest blues guitarists of the 9th century... Let's meet the teams. They're four performers who I first knew as hopeless beginners, barely able to string a joke together, and I can honestly say that success hasn't changed them at all...

Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the panel game that's done for comedy what Gareth Hunt did for rhyming slang.

We come to you from historic Stratford where thousands of visitors flock each year to admire and wonder at the site that once launched our nation's greatest theatrical career, or to marvel at the place where his wife once lived...by visiting Emma Thompson's cottage.

We're located in the magnificent Royal Shakespeare Theatre, and by way of a tribute to our noble surroundings, this final show in the current series will take a strictly Shakespearean theme.

Now Stratford isn't only about fine stage performances from well rehearsed professionals...oh no...so let's meet the teams...

Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the panel game that's done for comedy what Gareth Hunt did for rhyming slang.

We come to you from historic Stratford where thousands of visitors flock each year to admire and wonder at the site that once launched our nation's greatest theatrical career, or to marvel at the place where his wife once lived...by visiting Emma Thompson's cottage.

We're located in the magnificent Royal Shakespeare Theatre, and by way of a tribute to our noble surroundings, this final show in the current series will take a strictly Shakespearean theme.

Now Stratford isn't only about fine stage performances from well rehearsed professionals...oh no...so let's meet the teams...

Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us in Dartford, the Kentish town with much to fascinate the curious visitor.

Dartford has been occupied by man since the dawn of civilisation, and at various times animal species as diverse as cave lions, rhinos, tree monkeys and bison roamed the area...until someone thought fit to put a new padlock on the zoo gates. The area was also noted for its vast number of lemmings, and as the ice age receded, cave paintings record their migration north to Essex where, after a short stay, they took up the habit of throwing themselves off cliffs.

The Peasants' Revolt of 1381 started in Dartford, when a Poll Tax collector's brains were beaten out with a hammer by Wat Tyler, to promote his new roofing trade magazine.

The next event of historical interest occurred in 1956 when Dartford's famous tunnel was completed. It was opened by Her Majesty The Queen, to the applause of motorists queueing to be the first through. When she returned to open the new Dartford Bridge some forty years later, she was surprised to recognise the same ones again.

Today, Dartford welcomes four additional visitors, and how best to describe them? Well, think of four cutting-edge, top-class comedians. Now think again, as I introduce the teams...

Dartford
31 May 2004
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in the historic town of Dartford.

Dartford was but a small village until the middle ages, when the town enjoyed rapid growth thanks to the many pilgrims passing through on their way to Canterbury. They would assemble in London under the Charing Cross and pray for a safe days' journey. The tradition of praying at Charing Cross to get to Dartford on the same day survives even now.

In 1660, Dartford was struck by the plague. When the epidemic ended, the town mayor decreed that the mighty bells of Holy Trinity church be rung constantly for a week...the same week in fact that the tinitus epidemic started.

During the industrial age, Dartford took to making fine wax candles, and became the largest producer in Europe. However, with the coming of town gas, demand collapsed, and traders found they had wax coming out of their ears. Fine metal working soon took over as a principal industry, and until very recently, parts were supplied to the luxury car market. At a specialist factory, it took one man nearly a year to hand finish a single radiator grille...so they sacked him...

Dartford
07 Jun 2004
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Grand Opera House, Belfast. We're guests here of BBC Music Live, which, eager listeners will be interested to learn, can be heard...four weeks ago.

Belfast boasts a rich and diverse history, and the city has managed to survive troubled times with an air of optimism, recently being awarded status as European City Of Commerce...for it's services to the balaclava industry.

By the Middle Ages, the area around Belfast was noted for its manufacture of fine linen. Famous as the handkerchief capital of Europe, Belfast Linen Mill proudly boasted that the world wiped its nose on their products, while the Newtonards Soft Paper Mill kept very quiet...

During the late 17th century, Hugenots fled here from France seeking freedom from religious bigotry - not a mistake they're likely to make again.

Famous names associated with Belfast include George Best. Once voted European Footballer Of The Year, Best scored over 100 goals for Manchester United and represented Northern Ireland 37 times, so if you're listening George - that's what you did.

But the real Belfast of today is as much about ordinary folks that no-one is ever likely to have heard of. Let's meet the teams...

Belfast
14 Jun 2004
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at the Grand Opera House, Belfast.

Belfast is rightly proud of its neo-classical palazzo, where may be found a memorial to the awful Titanic disaster; and quite rightly, as it was possibly the world's worst ever movie. It was from Belfast's Harland & Wollf shipyard that the Titanic sailed on her maiden transatlantic voyage to New York. They called at Southampton to take on passengers, Cherbourg to take on coal, and then Oslo to get the compass fixed. The Titanic's sister vessel, the Britannic, was converted to become a troop ship, seeing action off Israel in 1946, where she was eventually sunk by a Goldberg.

During the Victorian era, many of the population emigrated to the U.S.A., and Northern Ireland sent America no less than 10 presidents...until the White House asked them to stop as they already had one.

The nearby town of Killyleagh is noted as the birthplace of Sir Hans Sloane, the founder of the British Museum, although little of interest at his family's fine mansion remains, after everything was stolen by the Egyptians.

Very much a city of tradition, Belfast is famous for its marching season, when men in dark suits and bowler hats parade in tribute to the Home Pride Flour Graders. Amongst the famous names associated here is that of Eamonn Holmes. He started out in Belfast as a local reporter, before going on to become very big on television. The author C.S. Lewis was also born here. Following his success with The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis went on to invent riot gas.

Now, I have to introduce four comedians who love amusing people...not that they meet many amusing people...

Belfast
21 Jun 2004
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Lowry Centre in Salford, part of the great metropolis of Manchester.

The origins of Manchester lie in a Roman settlement founded by Julius Agricola. His fortified town was called 'mamucium', meaning 'a hill shaped like a breast', as Agricola boasted he liked to name places after whatever he missed from home. However, he kept strangely quiet after founding the town of Ramsbottom. [ It was Agricola who devised modern methods of farming, and it is from him that we get the word 'agriculture', and also the words 'Get off my bloody land!'

{??? unreadable} in the 5th century, with the departure of the Romans, when raiding parties from the nearby tribes pillaged building materials from their fine houses. To this day, marble Doric columns adorn council flats in many parts of {??? unreadable}. Manchester sadly fell into obscurity for several centuries until 1028, when King Canute decided to have one of his ten mints here {??? unreadable} foresee the introduction of sweet rationing. Not broadcast]

In 1485, Manchester figured heavily in the Wars of the Roses. Eventually the dynasties known as the House of Lancaster and the House of York were united by Henry VII, who combined both into the House of Fraser. Peace reigned here until the Civil War, when Royalist troops under Prince Rupert used the city as a base from which to attack nearby towns. He ordered the sacking of Bolton, when the entire town was reduced to a miserable pile of rubble. Later, funds were provided for reconstruction, and work is expected to start soon. [ The Royalists were soon defeated, however, and Cromwell decided to dissolve parliament, an act made possible by the habit of constructing public buildings from sugar cubes Not broadcast]

The Manchester we recognise today only really appeared with the Industrial Revolution, when the city's population was housed in overcrowded slum dwellings. However, sanitary conditions were improved when pipelines were constructed to bring fresh water from the Lake District. These worked well until the 1960s, when one resident ran a bath and discovered Donald Campbell in it. [ Manchester became famous for its many mills. There were woollen mills, cotton mills, silk mills, and with the coming of Italian migrant labour, Europe's largest pepper mill. It's still in use in the spaghetti house on Victoria Street Not broadcast]

Throughout the 19th century, inventors devised many industrial machines here. There was Arkwright's Cotton Frame, and Hargreave's Eight Spindle Jenny, and workers were later amazed by Crompton's Spinning Mule...possibly one of the cruellest circus acts in history. In the mighty cotton mills, weavers were forced to pull strong threads from the machines using their teeth. Compensation was payed for the resultant injury, which prevented them pronouncing the letters 'F' and 'TH', so they couldn't say fairer than that then.

Despite the progress made in working conditions, the Manchester of today still has its share of poor workers, who struggle vainly to make themselves understood. Let's meet four of them...

Salford
28 Jun 2004
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You find us for a second week at Salford's fine Lowry Centre, in the heartland of England's industrial north.

It was at nearby Trafford Park that Henry Ford's famous car factory built the massively successful Model T, a car he boasted you could have in any colour 'as long as it was black'. As at that time 75 percent of the world's vehicles were Model T's, one can imagine the frustration of trying to find yours when you got back to the car park.

The industrial labour movement was born in Manchester, eventually growing into the Trades Union Congress. So successful was the T.U.C., that it was once honoured by having a cheese biscuit named after it. [ Their factory workers were served well by the collective bargaining credo of "One out - All out" {??? unreadable} miserable Not broadcast]

The Womens' Movement also started here, with Emmeline Pankhurst and the Suffragettes, who toured with Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas. [ When one of her followers was trampled after throwing herself under the King's horse at the Epsom Derby. Mrs. Pankhurst was understandable led away in tears. She had a 10 bob accumulator on it. Not broadcast]

The most famous name associated with Salford is artist L.S. Lowry. A number of his famous 'matchstick' paintings are displayed here in the Lowry Centre - approximate contents 49.

The TV antiques expert David Dickinson spent his formative years in Manchester [ where, as a young man, he dated the girl who was to become his wife...he said "about 1937" Not broadcast]. Dickinson has since left, as he said he didn't like the constant rain - it makes him go streaky. [ Cricketer Mike Atherton was also born here. After a successful career, in 2000 he announced his retirement from first class cricket to spend more time in the England team. Not broadcast]

Another famous Mancunian is Judy Finnigan, who presents TV shows with husband Richard Madeley. She claimed a certain notoriety when, at an awards ceremony, her blouse fell off, allowing everything to spill out. Ever the professional, Madeley carried on, bravely ignoring the pain of his broken toes. But Richard Madeley isn't alone in having to witness embarrassing disasters...let me introduce the teams...

Salford
05 Jul 2004
Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us in Basingstoke, the fine Hampshire town which boasts an historical tapestry, richly woven with culture.

[ Evidence of an early settlement here with its trading links may be seen at the town's Willis Museum, which houses Roman pottery found at Silchester camp, and a hoard of bronze and iron European coins...retrieved from Basingstoke's parking meters. Not broadcast] Pride of place in the town's museum goes to the skull of a 300,000 year old male, discovered here in 1962. A primitive being with short legs and long arms, Basingstoke Man is described by experts as genetically somewhere between ape and human. Sadly, they don't know anything about that old skull.

[ In 1256, a Royal Charter was granted by King Henry III to the men of Basingstoke, with the proclamation "Divine and thine heirs, {??? unreadable} of thy norial? and hundred perpetual {??? unreadable} booze", but as they hadn't got the faintest idea (what he was talking about {??? unreadable}), they ignored it.

In 1392, the town was destroyed by fire, and had to be completely rebuilt. The King subsequently made the 'Good Men of Basingstoke' into a corporation, giving them the right to use his common seal. It seems that the nostrils of an amphibious mammal (useful detecting smoke {??? unreadable}).

The town's Police Force was formed in 1816. Their first call was from a Joshua Greenside???, who reported a burglary at his home in North Street. One can imagine the Greenside family's relief when an officer called to take notes...last Thursday.

Nearby is the home of the Dukes of Wellington since 1817, where visitors can see the grave of the first Duke's stallion, Copenhagen. It was after the battle of Waterloo, where Wellington famously spent 18 hours in the saddle, that a grateful nation gave him his country seat...although he couldn't use it for at least a fortnight. Copenhagen was buried at Stratfield Saye House with full military honours. His grave was marked by a simple headstone, and four hooves sticking out of the ground. Not broadcast]

Jane Austen was born at nearby Steventon, where she [ wrote Sense And Sensibility, Mansfield Park, Pride And Prejudice, and Northanger Abbey, but her publisher said that title was far too long. It was during this time that Austen Not broadcast] shared a romance with a Basingstoke man, widely believed to be a forester, but their engagement lasted only one night. History doesn't record what suddenly prompted her to leave "Acorn" Willy Jenkins.

One of Basingstoke's most famous sons was Thomas Burberry, inventor of rain-proof Gabardine. He perfected his proofing method after noticing that an oily substance from wool made a shepherd's trousers water resisitant after prolonged contact with sheep. [ It must have taken a mightily inventive brain to have witnessed that and thought about waterproofing raincoats.Not broadcast] Burberry set up shop in Winchester Street, and business flourished until 1905 when the premises were destroyed by fire. The Fire Brigade attended immediately, but they got soaked when all the water from their hoses bounced straight back at them. Luckily, the business was saved when townsfolk arrived by covering the merchandise with wet blankets, and to this day, Basingstoke holds an annual event in commemoration, so please welcome four honoured guests to the Basingstoke Wet Blanket Festival...

Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Basingstoke, the undisputed jewel in Hampshire's crown.

The name Basingstoke is first mentioned when William The Conqueror commissioned the Domesday Book, where it's listed as a settlement with a population of some 200 odd people. But the Norman's could be a bit judgemental.

Basingstoke's early prosperity was based on the production of wool. Sheep were raised locally, and their wool was cleaned by being beaten with a mixture of water and clay by large wooden hammers driven by water mills. Later, in a more enlightened age, it was decided to shear them first.

[ Basingstoke's first hospital was founded in the early 13th century, and dedicated to St. John The Baptist. However, medical treatment was crude in the extreme, and amputations were performed using a large blunt axe...or a sharp one if you went private. Not broadcast] The hospital of St. John The Baptist saw its ultimate test with the Black Death of 1347 which left Basingstoke decimated. "'Tis a sight to vex the spirit. Them the Lord hath spared do move with hollow cheeks and eyes that are sunken into their sockets. Broken are they that despair in the pity of their existence. A stillness most dreadful and ghostly doth cloak the whole town with all." but other than those comments, the RAC Guide gives it two rosettes.

1657 saw the Basingstoke witch trials, where a woman called Goody Turner was found guilty of practising witchcraft. After surviving a ducking in the pond, an angry mob then tried to burn her at the stake, but she was too damp, and kept going out. [ While they were drying her off, she asked for seventeen burglaries, two serious assaults, and one attempted murder to be taken into consideration, so her sentence was reduced to community service.

Famous names associated with Basingstoke include Hollywood movie star Elizabeth Hurley, who as a young girl was educated here. Her primary school teacher recalls Elizabeth taking her first acting lesson, and having seen her many films, her pupils are keen to invite her back for a second one. Not broadcast]
The family of Sarah, Duchess of York, came from the nearby village of Dummer, which is presumably why she's constantly referred to as one of the Dummer Fergusons. [ Another {??? unreadable} is Arthur Nash, official broom maker to Her Majesty the Queen, who lives in Basingstoke. Her Majesty doesn't believe in modern contrivances such as vacuum cleaners, when carpets can be cleaned perfectly well by ringing a bell. Not broadcast]

Basingstoke today is probably most famous as housing the headquarters of the AA, and we're expecting a party from their offices here tonight. We've been told to expect them sometime in the next seven hours.

Now, let's meet four comedians who are today considered the funniest in their field. However, the council do say they'll have their caravans towed away if they don't move on...

Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Kingston-Upon-Hull, a fine city boasting an impressive history.

During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters.

At the outbreak of World War II, many trawlers were converted as minesweepers, and it was Hull's sailors who helped clear the way for Churchill's allied landings, before he expanded next door as Allied Carpets.

The mighty Humber Suspension Bridge was opened by the Queen in 1981. Linking Willoughby with Barton-Upon-Humber, the structure was, at that time, the longest and most expensive single-span concrete supported bridge in the world that connected two places no one wants to go to.

A famous name associated with Hull is Phillip Larkin, who was librarian at the university for 30 years. The famous poet, jazz lover and collector of pornography died here in 1985, having contracted terminal tennis elbow.

Let's meet the teams. They are four veteran comedians, who after all these years in the business are simply incapable of writing a bad joke. You'd think by now they'd have progressed at least that far...

Hull
20 Dec 2004
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to Hull, the mighty port on the river Humber.

The original name of Kingston-Upon-Hull was Siacric, an old Norse term which experts have translated as "Kingston-Upon-Hull." Hull is famous for its mystery plays, and regularly stages the story of Noah's Arc. Each year there's great competition among the women folk here to be chosen to play the part of his wife, Joan. However, proceedings were interrupted in 1997 when real animals from the town zoo were employed. Two giant pandas, Ann-Ann and Ling-Ling, who hadn't previously mated for 15 years became over-excited, and were visibly frustrated when they had to be separated by their keepers, Git-Git and Bastard-Bastard.

In the 1960s, Hull became the birthplace of the discount trading warehouse with the Comet chain starting here. Forty years on, Comet stores pride themselves that their staff can tell you everything they know about a product...in under 4 seconds.

The city is home to the new National Sardine Museum, which was opened recently by the Mayor...or at least it would have been if the key hadn't immediately snapped off...

Our teams this week are comprised of four performers who come from a long line of comedians. Those queues don't get any shorter at the soup kitchen...

Hull
03 Jan 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week amongst the Regency splendour of Royal Tunbridge Wells, in the county of Kent.

[ Although Kent was the first part of England to be colonised by the Romans, they never settled in Tunbridge Wells, having been frightened off by the local tribes' fearsome house prices. Not broadcast] The area suffered a decline in the 16th century when a weak and vulnerable populous was cruelly exploited at the hands of a number of landed families. There were the Natsbulls of Merson, and the Sackvilles of Knole, but things worsened still with the arrival of the notorious Allders of Croydon.

Tunbridge Wells proper was founded in 1606, when natural springs were discovered here, and the town's mattress industry began. During the 17th century, the town began to welcome the well heeled, due to the absence of shoe repair shops. Many arrived to take the restorative mineral waters, and even King Charles I came here hoping to cure his chronic dandruff. A problem that was eventually solved by major surgery, after which Royal Appointment was awarded to his regular brand of shampoo which was specially renamed And Shoulders.

The elegance of the spa years lives on in the area known as The Pantilles, a colonnaded walkway named after the pavement of clay tiles. After her son slipped and fell there, Queen Anne famously paid for Tunbridge Wells to be provided with stone flags, but since no-one could get them up the poles they ended up on the floor.

1735 saw the arrival here of Beau Nash, who appointed himself Master of Ceremonies, and formulated some strict rules of etiquette. These included: which fork you picked your nose with; and that a gentleman should always take his hat off if a lady walks passed the window he's urinating out of.

For centuries, the main industry here was the production of hops. As a consequence, the countryside is scattered with many oast houses, where Kent's traditional rural crafts are still practiced, such as tarting them up and flogging them off for three quarters of a million quid.

[ Rural Kent today is at the forefront of the support of the countryside pursuits, a tradition that stretches back to the memorable occasion when the Archbishop of Canterbury was invited by the Reverend Doctor Spooner to join the Kentish Hunt.

A few miles to the south east, tourists may care to visit Romney Marsh, and discuss the many successful seasons he spent at Q.P.R. Not broadcast]

During the Second World War, Kent was under the main flight path to London for German aircraft, and Tunbridge Wells was heavily bombed, but the Luftwaffe aren't alone in coming here to bomb heavily. Let's meet the teams...

Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to Royal Tunbridge Wells in the fine county of Kent; (I was just thinking with horror that I nearly read that wrong).

It was not until 1909 that the town gained the right to call itself 'Royal' Tunbridge Wells, when Edward VII granted his patronage after he visited the spa here. The visit was a revelation for him as he was normally a Tesco's shopper.

[ Tunbridge Wells springs were made famous by the Earl of Dudley. Seeking a cure for his ill health caused by over-indulgence, he decided to try the orange-coloured water. Although unpleasant in taste, it appeared to have health-giving properties, so Dudley sold it in bottles labelled Sunny Delight.

For centuries, the main industry here was the production of hops. As a consequence, the countryside is scattered with many oast houses, where Kentish traditional rural crafts are still practiced, such as tarting them up and flogging them off for three quarters of a million quid. Not broadcast]

On the outskirts of the town are the interesting sandstone formations known as 'Toad Rock' and 'High Rocks', which are used to train mountaineers. A young Ranulph Feinnes came here to practice, and went on to make his first attempt on Annapurna...while her husband was working nights.

Just a few miles out of town is found the home of Rudyard Kipling, at Burwash. Kipling's 'If' is one of the country's most popular poems. It's the one that starts: "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then why not treat yourself to one of my exceedingly good cakes?"

Other famous names associated with Tunbridge Wells include William Makepeace Thackeray, and Oswald Lets-Startawar Moseley. It was while living here that Thackeray wrote and published Vanity Fair, and then later, Woman's Own...and Motorcycle Monthly. Let's meet the teams: they're four comedians whose jokes I can't get enough of. In fact, I hardly get any of them at all...

Tunbridge Wells
17 Jan 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Regent Theatre in Ipswich, the fine county town of Suffolk.

[ Originally occupied by the Celts, this area became known as East Anglia with the arrival of various tribes from northern Europe. First came the Lower Saxony Angles, then the Jutland Angles, and finally the Cheesy Tri-Angles. Later with the Viking invasion, Suffolk was ruled under the system known as 'Dane Law' which burdened the people with heavily increased taxes, and slightly salted butter.

The name 'Suffolk' is actually a corruption of 'South Folk', as the area was known until the 13th century. It was in 1215 that King John was confronted in Ipswich by the Barons, before he was taken to Runnymede to sign Magna Carta. King John was, of course, completely illiterate. On being instructed to sign with a cross, he solemnly drew a circle. The mark was countersigned by the Bailiff of Ipswich, who inscribed the initials John Reginum alongside his area of responsibility, and thus Magna Carta was duly annotated 'J.R., South Folk'. Magna Carta established the principle of habeas corpus, a law stating that no man in England shall be imprisoned indefinitely without fair trial before judge and jury...unless, of course, he appears a bit foreign looking. Not broadcast]

Thanks to sea-trade with Europe, Ipswich flourished during the Middle Ages, and had close ties with Antwerp...later twinned with Dectwerp.

Ipswich is a major centre for the manufacture of agricultural machinery. Here is produced equipment essential to farmers' needs, such as the revolving reel combine harvester, which separates grain from straw to ensure an efficient harvest, and the gear-driven half spinner which turns intruders round to ensure they're not inadvertently shot in the back.

Just along the coast is the village of Orford, famous for its ancient smoke-houses. Recent experiments with different types of wood produced a variety of smokes with the result that the nuns of nearby Orford Convent celebrated 7 new Popes in one afternoon.

[ During the Civil War, Ipswich was a Royalist stronghold, and it was from here that Prince Rupert and his cavalry rode south to fight the Battle of Brentwood. The Roundheads lost...and so were forced to keep it.

Ship building became important here during the Napoleonic Wars, and Lord Nelson frequently came here to Ipswich. He stayed at the Galleon Tavern in Dock Street where Lady Hamilton kept a room. Now Grade 1 listed, Lady Hamilton's bedroom has been preserved, complete with its original revolving door.

By Victorian times, Ipswich was growing rapidly, and horse-drawn trams were introduced. However, with the construction of a power station in 1888, these old, slow conveyances were adapted to run on electricity. It was amazing how they speeded up when the horses had 240 volts [shoved up them??? unreadable]. The Victorians constructed many fine buildings, including Not broadcast]

Ipswich [ County Hall. This Not broadcast] houses the court where Mrs. Wallace Simpson obtained her divorce [ papers Not broadcast] prior to marrying the Duke of Windsor. However, Wallace kept her married surname, preferring not to go back to her maiden name of And-Grommit.

However, not all names from the past are so easily confused with amusing comic characters. Let's meet the teams...

Ipswich
30 May 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week on a return visit to Ipswich, the undisputed jewel in Suffolk's crown.

[ Suffolk was once famous for its fine pigs, but local bacon production began to suffer with competition from Danish imports. However, the trend reversed when it was discovered how much water Danish bacon contained, after a Sudbury man drowned on his breakfast.

During the First World War, the town's pork processing plant was requisitioned to produce ammunition. Explosive devices similar to Mills Grenades were made there, and became nicknamed 'Sausage Bombs' but, without careful storage, they kept going off. Not broadcast]

A beautiful county of gently rolling hills, Suffolk is bordered by Norfolk, with its historic Tudor villages and nature reserve coastline; by Cambridgeshire, with its fine University and unspoilt countryside; and by Essex.

[ Ipswich is a major centre for the manufacture of agricultural machinery. Here is produced equipment essential to farmers' needs, such as the revolving reel combine harvester, which separates grain from straw to ensure an efficient harvest, and the gear-driven half spinner which turns intruders round to ensure they're not inadvertently shot in the back.

In 1903, the world's first ever lawnmower was invented here, and in 1986 it was loaned to the Science Museum. Ipswich still hasn't got it back. Not broadcast]

Opening in the 1920s, Ipswich Airport operated Britain's first air services to Paris. It was one of these flights that brought the great French dessert chef Escoffier to Ipswich, where he set about traditional English tarts, and was soon famous for his Spotted Dick. Early charity parachute jumps also took place at Ipswich Airport, including the first made by a blind man. Older staff at the aerodrome remember it as a unique occasion, as they'd never before heard a golden labrador scream.

To the north of Suffolk is Newmarket, home of the Jockey Club. Founded in 1752, it's responsible for the control and regulation of underpants.

[ Just along the coast is the village of Orford, famous for its ancient smoke-houses. Recent experiments with different types of wood produced a variety of smokes with the result that the nuns of nearby Orford Convent celebrated 7 new Popes in one afternoon.

In the art world, the Suffolk countryside inspired the work of Constable, Gainsborough and Lovejoy. Gainsborough is particularly associated with the area which he toured with his easel making beautiful copies of chocolate-box lids. Constable is famous for his painting in fine detail of the Old House at Colchester. Completed in vivid oils, the owner complained he actually only wanted his windows {touched up?? unreadable}. Not broadcast]

In recent years, the coastline around Ipswich has suffered severe erosion, but this has proved a boon to hunters of fossils that are released by the waves and deposited by the incoming tide, so there's no shortage of washed-up relics here. Let's meet the teams...

Ipswich
06 Jun 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Rhyl, the fine North Wales coastal resort.

[ According to the official history of the region, in about 1000 B.C. the area became inhabited by a primitive Celtic tribe who spoke a language recognisably akin to modern Welsh, this being an era before vowels had been invented. These Celts practiced ritual sacrifice in local bogs, worshipping their God, Ceil Dan Rwhyd, which roughly translates as "Call Dyno-Rod." Evidence of Roman occupation may be found in the bath house at nearby Prestatyn, where exclusively male bathers rubbed each others' bodies with olive oil, before scraping it off with sea shells. This is well documented by Julius Sextus Maximus, the local camp commander. The area then reverted to Celtic rule, and Not broadcast] Historians have recently proved that a small group led by one Owain Madog sailed from these shores for America. Their decendants were discovered in the 18th century as a tribe of apparently native American Indians, who were, in fact, obviously Welsh. As the English settlers crossed the mid-West plains, they spotted smoke signals, and realised the tribe were burning down their holiday homes. [ After the Anglo-Saxons conquered England, they looked to invade Wales, but history recalls the defence was led by the priest who became St David. He went into battle brandishing aloft a leek to intimidate the Saxon warrior Gudrun. When that didn't work, he twatted him with a big {metal bar??? unreadable}. Not broadcast]

This coastline is famous for its massive castles, and the first was built by Llywelyn The Great as a Royal home, but this is now a sad ruin, thanks to Llewelyn The Bowen. Inland, the area is noted for its outstanding natural beauty, and down the years it's attracted many famous visitors, including Princess Margaret, who went on her honeymoom to Mount Snowdon. [ In a ceremony in 1194, Llywelyn The Great became Prince Of Wales, and was required to swear allegiance to his country, marry his cousin, and have an affair with an army major's wife. Not broadcast]

Along the coast, the town of Colywn Bay boasts the world's largest annual fishing festival. Last years was this big.

[ In 1277, Edward I sent a massive army to conquer North Wales, and set about building a mighty castle at Harlech. Construction was overseen by Henri de Savoy, the French mason who took the opportunity to sell his cut-price cabbages at lodge meetings. Not broadcast]

This part of Wales is very much linked with the legend of Owain Glendwr, the 15th century nationalist leader who locals believe will reappear to fight unwelcome incursions by the English, and seldom can his presence have been more urgently required than when I say: Let's meet the teams...

Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in the fine seaside town of Rhyl in North Wales. The Welsh coast is noted as the last place in Britain to have been invaded by foreign troops. In 1797, a French naval force landed, to be greeted by local women in their traditional scarlet costume and tall black hats. The French took them for British redcoats and fled, clearly terrified that they'd inadvertently invaded Butlins.

During the Industrial Revolution, Rhyl became a centre of brickmaking, and by the beginning of the 20th century, many thousands of tons of brick were going to Manchester to build housing, and to Liverpool to prop cars up. (If I apologise now, can I not have to go to Liverpool?)

Nearby, St Asaph boasts the smallest cathedral in Britain. This is open to visitors only on Wednesdays, as that's when they take it out of the fish tank for cleaning.

[ Inland, the area is noted for its outstanding natural beauty, and down the years it's attracted many famous visitors, including Princess Margaret, who went on her honeymoom to Mount Snowdon.

Along the coast, the town of Colywn Bay boasts the world's largest annual fishing festival. Last years was this big.

{???unreadable} of St Marys, visitors can see the Victorian monument to Nicholas Hooks, a father of 41 children, alongside his wife's unusual 'Y'-shaped grave. Not broadcast]

The 6 miles of golden sands here were host to the Wright brothers, who demonstrated their new flying machine in 1907. Visitors to the town's museum will find photographs of Wilbur, sat at the controls in his flying suit, and Orville, sat on his lap in a duck costume.

Famous names associated with Rhyl include Carol Vorderman, who mlocals remember had a Saturday job in the chemists on Flynn Street. One recalls her selling him some ointment for an embarrassing itch on his consonant vowel consonant consonant.

As a student in 1897, the young Albert Einstein spent the summer here in Rhyl, and began to formulate his general theory of relativity, as he worked the season DJ-ing under the stage name of MC Squared.

The radio pioneer Marconi made the first ever wireless broadcast from the top of the water tower here, with the words "Help! I'm stuck up a water tower!". But Marconi isn't alone in reminding Rhyl of the early days of wireless broadcast disasters. Let's meet the teams...

Rhyl
20 Jun 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in the New Theatre, Oxford, the City of Dreaming Spires. As the name implies, Oxford was once well known for rearing oxon. According to Delia Smith's History Of English Foods, the meat of a certain part of the ox was considered a delicacy that could provide a nutritious family meal, if it was well hung.

During Tudor times, the Protestant Bishops Latimer and Ridley were burnt alive here in 1555, followed by Archbishop Cranmer the following summer. After an investigation, it was discovered that the General Synod event's committee had bought a faulty barbecue.

[ Nearby is Blenheim Palace, the seat of the Malborough dynasty. The name derives from the decisive battle of 1704, when the first Duke of Malborough won a {???unreadable}victory over Louis XIV, thus saving Europe from French domination. {???unreadable} recently began generating its own electricity from a dynamo connected to Malborough's tomb. Not broadcast]

In the early 1700s, Edmund Halley came to Oxford, where he calculated that a huge comet would appear in 1987 - and sure enough, in August that year exactly as predicted, one opened next to B & Q.

[ Another {???unreadable} to work here was Sir William Gladstone, the 18th century jurist noted as the founding father of the United States' legal system - one which presumes to this day that every man is innocent, even if he's obviously guilty as hell. Not broadcast]

In the 1880s, Oxford's first horse-drawn trams were introduced, operating along the Banbury Road. In 1910, these old, slow conveyances were converted by Morris Motors to run on electricity. It was amazing how they speeded up when the horses had 240 volts pushed through them.

[ Lawrence of Arabia was born here on Halstead Road. Riding a camel and wearing full Arab costume, it's little wonder the people of Oxford called him Tee Hee Lawrence. During the First World War, Lawrence served {???unreadable} Port Said, he was shocked to find seedy characters trying to sell him dirty postcards of their sisters. Explaining that, as a British Guards officer, he would naturally refuse, the hawkers apologised...and instead offered dirty pictures of their brothers... Not broadcast]

Tim Henman was born nearby, and as a young lad, developed his tennis skills by playing alone against the side of his parents' house. One recalls his first tournament, where he got all the way through to the semi-finals, only to be beaten in straight sets by a garage door. But, it's all too easy to mock those who, despite their best efforts seem constantly to fail - let's meet the teams...

Oxford
27 Jun 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in the New Theatre in Oxford, a fine historic city with much to offer. No introduction to Oxford would be complete without a mention of its world famous University. So that's that done.

[ The first evidence of human settlement here dates from around 2000 B.C., with discoveries of crude arrow spearheads. Later, a more sophisticated tribe of metalworkers settled at the confluence of the Cherwell and Thames to forge their Bronze Age jewellery, which they sell on eBay.

Oxfordshire was once famous for raising fine pigs, but local bacon production began to suffer with competition from Danish imports. However, the trend reversed when it was discovered just how much water Danish bacon contained, after an Abingdon man drowned on his breakfast. Not broadcast]

During the Civil War, Oxford was a Royalist stronghold, and it was from here that Prince Rupert's cavalry rode north to fight Cromwell's forces at the Battle of Birmingham. The Roundheads lost...and so were forced to keep it.

[ With the Restoration of the Monarchy, Oxford found favour with King Charles II who was a frequent visitor, staying at the Old Red Lion on Merton Street, where Nell Gwynne kept a room. Now Grade I listed, her bedroom has been preserved, complete with its original revolving door. Not broadcast]

The Reverend Doctor Spooner lived and lectured here in Oxford. As a boating enthusiast, he spent many hours renovating and maintaining local water craft, and what a reaction there was from the Women's Institute when along with his boatman, Doctor Spooner presented his lecture "Care Of Punts."

William Morris, later Lord Nuffield, established car manufacture in Oxford in 1913. His first model was the famous 'Bull Nose' Morris, so called because his name was Morris, and he wore a large brass ring through his nose. [ During the First World War, the car plant was requisitioned to produce ammunition. Small devices similar to Mills grenades were made there which, due to their shape, became nicknamed 'Sausage Bombs', but without careful storage, they kept going off. Not broadcast] The Morris organisation laid the foundations of what later became Austin Morris, then B.M.C., then British Leyland, then Jaguar Leyland, then Jaguar Rover, then M.G. Rover, and finally the Xing-Hai Cac Shanghai Trading Corporation (in receivership) Ltd. Sadly now gone, the company once provided steady employment for generations of signwriters.

Colin Dexter, the author and creator of 'Inspector Morse' lives and works here. As we follow the Morse stories on TV, the greatest mystery is, of course, why so many people die in Oxford, but it won't take a detective to understand as I say: Let's meet the teams...

Oxford
04 Jul 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us today at the Festival Fringe here in Edinburgh, Scotland's fine capital. [ Very much a city of culture and elegenace, Edinburgh is often called the 'Athens of the North', from the local habit of eating vine leaves stuffed with deep fried Mars bars. Not broadcast]

The city was founded by Edwin of Northumbria, and was originally known as Edwinburgh, but later the 'W' was dropped. Unpopular with the townsfolk, Edwin sailed for Turkey, where they dedicated the city of Ankara to him.

[ Edinburgh's first charter was granted in 1329 by Robert The Bruce, who gained Scotland independence. Legend has it that Bruce drew inspiration from watching a spider...so he sat in an empty bath and refused to be flushed down the plughole until {???unreadable}.

According to the city's official records, Edinburgh became the capital in 1482, when the Scots lost Berwick, but I have startling news - I know where it is! Just down the road, on the river Tweed!

The city's political importance declined after 1707 with the Act of Union, which decreed Members of the Scottish Parliament moved to Westminster, to run England from there.

In the early 18th century, the Scots continued the fight for their independence, and it was during the Jacobite Rebellions that Flora MacDonald became famous...when she invented margarine. Not broadcast]

At the far end of the Royal Mile is Holyrood House and Queen Mary's Bath. History records it's here that Queen Mary bathed up to her waist in fine claret. One courtier who tasted the wine had difficulty describing its flavour, saying there was a hint of something he couldn't put his finger on. [ Over in Princes Street, tourists flock to see the Scott Memorial, and gaze in awe at Europe's finest display of scaffolding. The memorial is dedicated to Sir Walter Scott of course, and not Captain Scott, although the two are easily confused as Sir Walter never made it to the South Pole either. Not broadcast]

Famous names associated with Edinburgh include Sir James Young Simpson, who discovered chloroform. Making his revolutionary presentation to the Royal Surgical Academy, its members were reported to be amazed when Sir James brought in several young volunteer nurses, and proceeded to knock one out in front of them. Chloroform, of course, became known as a safe and efficient agent to quickly produce a deep state of anaesthesia, but it's now been superceded - let's meet the teams...

Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the London Palladium, the jewel in the crown of London's theatreland. From the 1860s until the turn of the century, the Palladium building was a successful amusements arcade, but fortunes declined. These were reversed in 1906 with the opening of the innovative Oxford Circus tube station, when crowds flocked to gaze in awe at the sight of a moving escalator. Next year, London Underground hope to celebrate the event by repeating the spectacle.

The Palladium building was frequently refurbished, and proudly boasted it was the first theatre in Britain to be entirely carpetted, a luxury made affordable in 1910 as it coincided with the start of Allied Carpets' closing down sale.

[ Early performances here included the novelty act George Robey, who appeared as Berlington Bertie, the singing toilet roll. Not broadcast]

As its fortunes progressed, the theatre attracted big names from America, such as Harry Houdini. It's recorded however that his audience became restless as Houdini's opening night was delayed by nearly an hour...when he got locked in the lavatory. After his death, Houdini's son inherited his father's secrets, and went on to invent the CD case.

[ {??? unreadable} Anna Pavlova made her London debut on this very stage. She soon had a summer fruit and meringue dessert named after her as that was the only food ever eaten by Pavlova's dogs. Not broadcast]

With the decline of music hall in the 1920s, the Palladium was refurbished again, and turned to staging great spectaculars, including one show of Apache indians. The first night was plunged into darkness, sadly, when it was found the theatre had been rewired by a bunch of cowboys. This impressive auditorium was fashioned by Frank Matcham with ornate decoration and furnishings. According to the Palladium's official history, the fine Rococo oppulence was designed with the intention of helping ordinary people escape their miserable, meagre existences. Let's meet four of them...

London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week for a second visit to the London Palladium, a fine theatre in the London district of Soho. During the 17th century, many settlers moved to Soho from mainland Europe. These included [ Greek craftsmen fleeing Ottoman domination, as they were unable to compete with discount Turkish sofas. {???unreadable} refugees escaping religious persecution, including Not broadcast] Polish Catholics, French Hugenots and German Lutherans. Evidence of this is found in names such as Greek Street, and the famous French House pub, but migrant assimilation wasn't without its troubles, particularly when the Germans invaded Poland Street.

[ Despite its seedy reputation, Soho has been the home of many famous names. These include the eminent physicist John Dalton, who pioneered research into colour-blindness when he discovered he was unable to distinguish blue light from red. This became apparent when Dalton went into Berwick Street police station and asked for twenty minutes with Easy Lil from Burgess Hill. Nearby, the home of Herbert Spencer, who applied revolutionary theory to the study of society, is in the same building occupied by the German philosopher Karl Marx. The founder of modern communism lived with his family in crowded conditions...until Harpo and Groucho moved out. {???unreadable} to develop his political theory of giving the workers the means to control production, Marx collaborated with Spencer, and opened an underpants shop. Another famous former resident was Washington Irving, who wrote Rip Van Winkle, and many other medical text books. Not broadcast]

In the art world, Soho has been home to artists Constable and Canaletto. Constable lived on Frith Street in the early 19th century, and it was from there that he travelled the countryside with his easel, making beautiful copies of chocolate boxes, and it was while living in Soho that Canaletto famously painted Westminster Bridge At Dusk. Completed in vivid oils, Westminster Council complained they had only wanted it brushed over with Hammerite.

[ A short walk from here is Gerrard Street, in the heart of Chinatown, where once lived Hillaire Belloc the poet and historian. He lodged there at number 28, or, as the locals call it, stir-fried Szechuan Noodles. Not broadcast]

In the late 60s, Soho was home to Jimmy hendrix, who overcame his dyslexia to become one of the world's greatest rock guitarists. Sadly, Hendrix died here in 1970 after choking on his own vimto.

Probably the most famous Soho thoroughfare is Carnaby Street. Once known as the centre of swinging London, that title fell into disuse with the abolition of capital punishment. What used to be the epicentre of a burgeoning fashion industry, the Carnaby Street of today is but a shadow of its former glory, offering the unwary visitor tawdry reminders of a faded past of forty years ago. Let's meet four more...

London Palladium
21 Nov 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in the city of Brighton, England's trendy south coast resort. We are, in fact, guests of the Brighton Comedy Festival, to which we've been invited to bring something a little different.

Brighton has a short but varied history. Joseph Taylor, writing in 1770, believed that the earliest settlement here was occupied by the Druids, who worshipped oak trees and virgins, and indeed there are still many oak trees here to this day.

[ Brighton first became famous during the English Civil War. With his father executed, Prince Charles fled here awaiting a ship to France. Seeking an inn to take refuge, he was offered The King's Head, which seemed a little insensitive, so they quickly renamed it The Slug & Orphaned Exile.

With the coming of the 18th century, Brighton became fashionable thanks to the patronage of the Prince Regent. The rich tended to imitate the behaviour of the Royal Family, and they soon flocked to Brighton in their thousands...to marry their cousins. Many homes in the old town were demolished to make space for the Royal Pavilion. The Prince ordered his soldiers to build a new road for the displaced. A competition was held amongst them to choose a name for the new road, and it was duly named...'New Road'. The second place went to 'Tell-Him-Where-To-Stick-His-New Road'. In the 1780s, the Prince Regent began to spend heavily on drink and womanising to the deep dismay of his wife Caroline of Brunswick. Parliament soon passed an act to prevent the Prince of Wales wasting public funds on frippery and adultery, one which has been studiously ignored by every heir to the throne ever since.

{???unreadable} the writer Lewis Carroll regularly visited his sister here. He was inspired by watching his neice at play to write both Alice's Adventures In Wonderland and Alice's Adventures Doing Cartwheels For Uncle Lewis Not broadcast]

Brighton was heavily bombed during World War 2, but Adolf Hitler ordered that the Royal Pavilion should be left intact as he intended to use it as a base following a successful invasion. Hitler had a particular affinity for the building as it only had one ballroom. [ Soon after the War, Laurence Olivier built a fine mansion just outside the town, complete with its own sports facilities. Richard Attenborough often tells how, in between filming Brighton Rock, he played tennis with Sir Laurence, sadly losing by four sets to luvvie. Not broadcast]

When Queen Victoria came to the throne, the Pavilion became her favourite holiday home. However, in 1841 the London to Brighton Railway was built close by, and she ordered that whenever she was in residence, trains should stop outside the town until she left. Perhaps someone should tell Network Rail she's not still there.

Anita Roddick opened her first business here in Brighton during the early 70s. She offered such alternative delights as Jojoba & Sesame Oil, Tea Tree Bark with Nettle Extract, Seaweed and Willow Sap Tincture, plus over thirty varieties of Brazilian Tree Frog Creams. However, after six months, the restaurant folded, and she went into skin-care products instead.

Famous names associated with modern Brighton include Chris Eubank, who lives here in part of a converted monastery. He's often seen driving his famous truck, but ran into trouble recently when he was stopped by the police. Giving his address as 67 Cistercian House, Sussex Street, he inadvertently drowned two traffic cops.

[ Graham Greene's 1937 novel Brighton Rock paints a vivid picure of the pre-war town as a haunt of seedy racketeers shamelessly extorting money from innocent residents, a work of fiction which is made all too real when I say: Not broadcast]...Let's meet the teams...

Brighton
28 Nov 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Brighton.

Brighton is now a bustling resort, but the numbers visiting only really started to grow in the 1760s, when Dr Richard Russell claimed that drinking Brighton's sea-water would cure ailments such as asthma, ricketts and impotence. This came as good news to the Prime Minister William Pitt, or as he was affectionally known, 'Wheezy Bandy Floppy Willie'.

[ It wasn't until the advent of cheap rail travel that Londoners began to flock here in their thousands, when Brighton became known as London-By-The-Sea, much in the same way that Eastbourne became known as Kick-The-Bucket-By-The-Sea. Not broadcast]

Brighton's first modern shopping centre was built in the 1960s. Called Churchill Square, it was named in memory of the great wartime leader...and it was modelled on his concrete bunker.

Famous Brighton residents include Jordan and husband Peter André. Rumours abound that their marriage is, in fact, a sham, and the paparazzi are constantly trying to get photos of the pretend pair falling out.

One of Brighton's great unsung heroes recently retired. Eighty year old Ted Latham was the town's longest serving deckchair attendant until last month, when he collapsed on the beach, and it took three people half an hour to put him back up again.

We're coming to you today from the splendid Brighton Dome. Now listed, and recently restored, Grade II regulations require that nothing is allowed in the Dome that might be out of keeping with its original pre-war interior. Let's meet the teams...

Brighton
05 Dec 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Harrogate International Centre which has, in the past, played host to the annual conference of the Liberal Democrats, the party which is so ably led by Charles Kennedy. Hang on, I'd better just do a retake for anyone listening to the repeat. Yes, we all remember where we were when we first heard the news that Kennedy's character had been assassinated.

The spa town of Harrogate first became famous for the health-giving properties of its sulphur and iron rich waters. [ For many years, the N.H.S. sent patients from all over England to Harrogate for treatment at the baths. Patients had the choice of being submerged in cold, fetid mud under a spray of sulphurous, rusty water, or a nice warm tub with plenty of bubble-bath, if they were with BUPA. Not broadcast] Still operating in the Royal Bath House is its original Turkish Bath and Vichy Shower Jet Room, although the latter had to be closed during the war as the water kept changing sides. [ {???} water boasts a fine museum display in the Royal Pump Room, where visitors can view a collection of {???} Victorian gym shoes. Not broadcast]

In the early 19th century, Harrogate quickly became popular with the Royal family, and as it was then the fashion to copy the habits of royalty, the town was soon overrun with visitors who came here to marry their cousins. [ In the years leading up to the First World War, Harrogate saw many holiday visits by the Imperial Russian Royal Family, and indeed when revolution broke out, they requested asylum here. However, a campaign led by the Daily Mail ensured that they were refused, on the grounds that there was no real evidence that they were under any real threat at home. Not broadcast] There are also local connections with Admiral Lord Nelson, whose chaplain gave up the sea to become a vicar here. Interest in the Reverend Doctor Alexander Scott was revived recently when his family sold some furniture, which historians realised had come from Nelson's flagship when they spotted a small-ad that read: For Sale, One Arm Chair.

The town has a significant American population who staff the top-secret monitoring station at Menwith Hill. This has resulted in Harrogate's unusual traffic system where the Americans drive on the right, the British drive on the left, and the four-by-fours drive any where they bloody well like!

Purely in a spirit of fun, Harrogate keeps up a mediaeval tradition of appointing an official village idiot. Every New Year's Day, he's paraded through the town on a horse drawn cart, while locals try to touch his hem for luck...and the Americans try to vote him in as President.

In 1926, mystery surrounded Agatha Christie who was discovered staying at a hotel here, eleven days after disappearing from her home. She had become distressed after learning that her husband had got a young woman pregnant, although in his defence, he claimed that it was the policeman who did it. Agatha Christie was, of course, famous for writing thrilling mysteries featuring characters hoping to get away with murder.

Let's meet four more...

Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to the fine town of Harrogate in North Yorkshire. [ Harrogate plays host to the world's largest crime-writing festival, generously sponsored by Theakstons, brewers of the strongest northern ales. This years winning entry was an intriguing thriller, even if no one could actually remember who actually did it. Not broadcast]

This year saw Harrogate's 56th International Christmas & Toy Fair. The event was opened by the town's Mayor, but he burst into tears and complained it wasn't the one he wanted.

The area is well known for a number of fine abbeys including Fountains Abbey, Rievaulx Abbey and Jervaulx Abbey, which are now financed and promoted by a division of the National Trust. Restoration has begun on Fountains Abbey's lodging houses, or pensions, provided for travellers. However, experts fear that the pensions may collapse since being taken over by the Abbey National Trust fund.

In the 19th century, Low Harrogate gained something of a seedy reputation, but its [ cheap Not broadcast] housing attracted many who went on to achieve greatness. These include the eminent physicist John Dalton, who pioneered research into colour blindness, when he discovered he was unable to distinguish blue light from red. This became apparent when Dalton went into Harrogate police station and asked for twenty minutes with Easy Lil from Richmond Hill. Another famous former resident was the author Washington Irving, who wrote Rip Van Winkle...and many other medical text books. It's recorded that Lord Byron wrote his poem entitled "To A Beautiful Quaker" while on a trip to Harrogate in 1806, after noticing a beautiful girl in a black robe. The poem begins: "Sweet girl, though only once we met. That meeting I shall ne'er forget. And though we ne'er may meet again, Remembrance will thy form retain." Lost for many years, a poem in reply was recently unearthed in the Harrogate library archive. It reads: "Sweet Lord Byron you flatter me so. But to your offer of love I must say no. For I am the vicar, and aged eighty-four. And I think you've been at the laudenum once more."

[ The Russian ballerina Anna Pavlova made her British debut here in the Royal Hall Theatre in 1905. She soon had a summer fruit and meringue dessert named in her honour, as that was the only food ever eaten by Pavlova's dogs. Not broadcast]

During the Blitz, many government offices were moved to Harrogate from London. It was amazing how far a building would travel when the Luftwaffe scored a direct hit.

[ A famous son of nearby Knaresborough was the 18th century mapmaker and road surveyor 'Blind Jack' Metcalfe, who designed the Great North Road. He quickly had stagecoaches coming all the way north from London to Penzance. Other famous names associated with this part of the world include that of Dracula. The novellist and keen sportsman Bram Stoker based his character on a Whitby man, whom he admired as Yorkshire's opening bat. Not broadcast]

Mother Shipton, the famous witch of Yorkshire, was born in Knaresborough in 1488. [ As a small child, she was associated with many mysterious events, such as causing furniture to fly into the air, much to the annoyance of her mother, who was sitting in an armchair at the time. It's recorded that she went through the roof! Not broadcast] Mother Shipton later began foretelling future events, and is said to have predicted the Great Plague of London, the Charge of the Light Brigade, and even the sinking of the Titanic. However, there was one all too predictable disaster she unaccountably missed. Let's meet the teams...

Harrogate
26 Dec 2005
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Bristol, a fine city boasting a long and fascinating history.

Bristol owes much to its maritime heritage. By the 14th century, the city was already trading with Spain, Portugal and Iceland, with ships returning laden with fine wines, intricate lacework and frozen peas. Ships sailing from Bristol also founded new colonies in the Americas. John Cabot set sail in 1497 for Canada, and began trading with the natives. The North American Indians gave his men fine jewellery of opals mounted in gold and silver, buffalo furs to make warm clothing and quality tobacco leaves to be traded in Europe's markets, while in return Cabot and his men gave them smallpox. With the Atlantic trade came grey squirrels, which have driven out the native red variety, and overrun the whole of England except the Isle of Wight. Arriving here from America, the grey squirrel has the Latin name Sciurus Carolinensis. As it will be unfamiliar to listeners on the Isle of Wight, I should explain that...America is a big country over the water. We're going to get letters about that...just as soon as their postman has rowed ashore...

Bristol's prosperity was further assured by the spoils of the slave trade. This murky history is commemorated in the Bristol and Transatlantic Slavery Gallery, where visitors can experience what it was like to be herded into an overcrowded, stinking hulk to be terrorised by the crew. Alternatively, they can book a Ryanair flight. [ The slave trade was eventually abolished thanks to the work of William Wilberforce, whose 1828 treatise became the basis of a United Nations resolution. Potential child slaves are therefore protected by the very same U.N. {???unreadable} legal process which prevents Britain invading Iraq...

Bristol is rightly proud of its association with Isambard Kingdom Brunel, who's celebrated for creating S.S. Great Britain - the U.K. branch of the German ex-servicemen's association. Brunel also designed the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Completed in 1864, locals were amazed to see construction workers hanging over the side in baskets high above the gorge, and it was later decided that they would look better planted with geraniums. The project ran out of money and had to be completed using second-hand chains. It's not known where they came from, but it's recorded that as one was being pulled through the south tower, the River Avon flushed out to sea. Brunel's original Temple Meads station now houses the British Empire and Commonwealth Museum. Visitors can learn how Britain's armies and navies took control of the Carribean and Africa to provide cotton and spices, and of India to provide somewhere for our insurance companies to put their call centres. Not broadcast]

With such a number of museums, it might be inferred that Bristol has an obsession with the past - an impression which can only be reinforced when I say...let's meet the teams...

Bristol
22 May 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to Bristol's Hippodrome Theatre.

The City of Bristol is rightly proud of its architectural heritage. Nestling on College Green is found Bristol Cathedral, which is Britain's finest example of a 'Hall Church', and it's noted for its stained glass - although it's nothing a quick rub over with Windolene won't fix. The original building was founded in 1140 by Robert Fitzharding, ancestor to the Earls of Berkeley. It was this family that later formed the famous Berkeley Hunt, who's activities have recently been curtailed by the new law banning rhyming slang.

Bristol is rightly proud of its association with Isambard Kingdom Brunel, who's celebrated for creating S.S. Great Britain - the U.K. branch of the German ex-servicemen's club. Brunel also designed the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Completed in 1864, locals were amazed to see construction workers hanging over the side in baskets high above the gorge, and it was later decided that they would look better planted with geraniums.

[ Bristol's modern history is very much associated with aviation, and especially the Concorde project. With a transatlantic flight time of a little over three hours, it was the proud boast of British Airways that Concorde passengers could have their breakfast in London, and their lunch in New York...and their luggage in Johannesburg. The very last Concorde is on display at Filton Airport, near Bristol, where it is recently reported to be rotting away, with components falling off. It's good to see they've preserved it in full operating condition. World War 2 fighter aircraft are also on display at Filton, and it's this reminder of our finest hour that prompted calls for a special day in celebration of 'Britishness'. The idea was to tag this on to an existing commemorative day, but no decision has been reached as Trafalgar Day would offend the French, while VE Day would upset the Germans. They're too spoilt for choice.

It was the local Liberal MP Samuel Plimsoll who introduced the Merchant Shipping Act of 1876, which required every vessel to be painted with a 'Plimsoll Line' to regulate the safe loading of gym shoes. Not broadcast]

The sculptor Edward Hodges Baily was born in Bristol in 1788. He's best known for his 16 foot figure of Lord Nelson, a project which, after two years of stone carving, was nearly a disaster when Baily slipped and knocked the left arm off. He was just about to start all over again when by a wonderful stroke of luck, Nelson had the same limb ripped off by a cannon ball.

[ The movie star Cary Grant came from Bristol. He was born Archibald Leach, and took to the stage here, but changed his name before achieving huge success in Hollywood, but Grant is not alone in thinking that disguising his real identity might improve career prospects... Not broadcast]

Let's meet the teams...

Bristol
29 May 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Birmingham. The city is still noted to this day for its military engineering excellence, and it was Birmingham technicians who were recently commissioned to convert army helicopters to make them operational in severe desert conditions. Great news for our lads out there in Kent and Surrey.

Down the centuries, Birmingham armament factories have supplied the military hardware used in every conflict from Waterloo to the Battle of Britain, and it was in light of this achievement that a special day was mooted in celebration of 'Britishness'. The idea was to tag this on to an existing commemorative day, but no decision has been reached, as Trafalgar Day would offend the French, while V.E. Day would upset the Germans, so, too spoiled for choice then...

During the 18th century, Birmingham was the power house of the Industrial Revolution, and a massive canal system was built. Barges were originally pulled by horses, but vessels were converted to steam power when it was found so many horses drowned.

The pioneering scientist Joseph Priestley came here in 1788, and after three years' work, discovered oxygen, which came as a great relief to the townsfolk, who had to hold their breath up until then. Priestley also invented the fizzy soda drink, by devising a method of forcing large quantities of carbon dioxide gas into water. He gave it to many friends, who trumpeted his achievement around the city.

Among the famous names associated with Birmingham is the rock musician Ozzy Osbourne, who was born in nearby Aston. He's famous as the former lead singer and songwriter for the heavy metal band Black Sabbath. In 1979, Osbourne left the band to embark on a highly successful solo career, and now tours the world performing to sell-out audiences, so Ozzy, if you're listening, that's who you are.

Let's meet the teams...

Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to the fine city of Birmingham, at the Hippodrome Theatre. The city of Birmingham is world famous for its architectural heritage. The first parish church of St Martin's was built by William the Conqueror, using architects and craftsmen brought from Normandy. That these artesans possessed specialist knowledge unknown to the English is commemmorated in a tapestry in a chancel which reads "This house of our Lord was constructed by the grace of Norman wisdom", just below a picture of a little builder falling off a ladder.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle lived and worked in Aston, where he regularly visited shops in Watson Street. It's recorded that while short of a name for a new character, Conan Doyle spotted a sign there, and so was born Dr. Massive Golf Sale.

The romantic novellist Dame Barbara Cartland was born in Edgbaston, but spent her working life on her estate. The last time she visited Birmingham, on the ocasion of her eightieth birthday, there was an unfortunate incident when she was asked to smile for the camera, and a large area of the city was destroyed in a chalk dust explosion.

Birmingham is proud to be the home of HP Sauce. In celebration of 100 years of production in 1998, the Queen Mother visited to address workers at the HP factory. Her Majesty was a little frail and unable to get her words out, so they turned her upside-down and smacked her on the bottom.

Let's meet the teams...

Birmingham
12 Jun 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Halifax, the fine Yorkshire town boasting a rich and varied history. [ The name Halifax is said to derive from a corruption of 'Holy' and 'Face', as local legend has it that the head of John the Baptist was buried here after his execution. In fact, several other Yorkshire towns are also rumoured to hold various other parts of St John's body: Knaresborough is said to house his knees; while the people of Coxswold...keep very quiet.A noted Halifax resident was William Herschel, the 18th century lensmaker and astronomer. When King George III visited his observatory here, Herschel proudly proclaimed: "With this powerful telescope, your Majesty, I have discovered a new planet, and predict that in the future, men will travel a great distance just to visit Uranus." Not broadcast]

James Ramsden, the noted maker of theodolytes, was born near here, and it was his pioneering work that produced the Ordnance Survey road maps we know today. At his funeral in 1837, mourners were surprised to see Ramsden's widow trying to read the lesson upside-down.

Another scientist born here was Henry Briggs, widely considered to be one of the three greatest mathematicians of the 17th century, the other being John Napier. Briggs excelled at university, became the father of modern mathematics, and went on to encourage the use of log tables...to promote his range of garden furniture.

Percy Shore, the inventor of the cats-eye road marking was born in Halifax in 1890. A pioneer of motoring, it's recorded that Shore was inspired driving home one night, when he spotted the reflection from the eyes of a cat walking in the road. Th following night, the cat was walking the other way, and Shore invented the furry pencil sharpener.

[ The Victorian artist and poet John Ruskin married here in 1872. However, Ruskin had led a sheltered life, and it's reported that on his wedding night, was so shocked by the sight of hair on his bride's body, that he was unable to make love, until she agreed to shave her beard off. Not broadcast]

The former High Court Judge James Pickles hails from Halifax. Pickles' contraversial career often made headline news. He found notoriety by suggesting that young women might become pregnant between arrest and sentencing to avoid a prison sentence. Unsurprisingly, few took him up on the offer... [ The very first High Court Judge in Halifax was one Josia Wainwright who, in 1760, was paid the annual sum of £60-3-4 for his services. There's not many of us could imagine living today on sixty quid a year, but let's meet the four who can...Not broadcast]

Let's meet the teams...

Halifax
19 Jun 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to Halifax, the fine Yorkshire town at the very epicentre of the County's cultural life. Amongst Halifax's many architectural jewels is the classically inspired Stansfield Hall, built in the 1840s by the architect Charles Barry for David Stansfield. At first sight Stansfield, a wealthy clothing merchant, disliked the proportions, saying the Doric collonades were too long, but Barry assured him they'd ride up with wear.

[ At the dawn of the industrial revolution, Halifax was a forward thinking metropolis, and had a police force even before London. As early as 1787, the town had constables on the beat who, although armed with muskets, were considered both helpful and affable...but it was best not to ask one to get your cat out of a tree.

Halifax was also way ahead of the rest of the country in the development of its first Post Office in 1759 on May 22nd...and closed it down on May 23rd. By 1823, the postal service was up and running again, when just one postman was employed to deliver all the mail in Halifax. With the town's massive growth in population, it became obvious that more were needed...and the Post Office are thinking of employing a second. Not broadcast]

The need for new housing in Halifax during the industrial revolution prompted the formation of building societies. The first was suggested in 1853 by Samuel Hanson, a local businessman, who became so disillusioned with depositing his money with traditional banks it began to affect his marriage. As his wife relates in her diaries, Hanson would put it in, lose interest, and take it out again.

[ The infamous murderer Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen took premises here, where he dispensed homeopathic medicines. As a qualified homeopath, Crippen had access to the chemicals in which he immersed his murdered wife's dismembered body...but she didn't get better. The Crippen case made criminal history in 1910, when he was arrested following a tip-off to police made by wireless from a ship. There was some delay however, while Scotland Yard went looking for a women called Dot Dashdash. Not broadcast]

The inventor Joseph Stannah worked here on a prototype of the stairlift which bears his name. He experimented by placing his elderly mother in an electrically propelled armchair which ran on rails attached to the staircase of their home. However, much to the annoyance of his mother, when Stannah first tested his machine it malfunctioned badly. She went through the roof...

[ The actor Roger Moore used to live in nearby Hebden Bridge. Moore first found fame on TV as Ivanhoe, and then as The Saint, but moved into the movies, where he became known as our seventh favourite James Bond. Not broadcast]

As we can see, down the years Halifax has become famous for many noteworthy people, so by way of contrast, let's meet the teams...

Halifax
26 Jun 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the seaside, in Southport, the fine Lancashire town in the county of Merseyside.

[ A settlement first appeared on this coast when Vikings stopped off here on their way from Denmark to Greenland. The town was therefore called Ottigremolese, being an old Norse word meaning 'Who was reading the bloody map'. Many small towns dotted around Southport still had names of Viking original right up until modern times. These include Olridvic, Tavosand Carlander and Ictor, but these were all changed when the towns discovered they were named after a range of Ikea sofas. Not broadcast]

Southport as a seaside resort was only really established in the early Victorian era, when the town built Britain's first ever pleasure pier. Following refurbishment, in 2003 Southport won Pier Of The Year, much to the dismay of neighbouring Blackpool, which could only manage second place in Toilet Of The Month.

The Emperor Napoleon the Third of France lived here in exile during the 1850s. When, to mark the centenary of the event, President De Gaulle arrived on his official jet at nearby RAF Woodvale, as a mark of respect the air traffic controllers went on strike. Napoleon returned to Paris in 1854, and began the recontruction of his capital, modelled on Lord Street in Southport, whose town councillors returned the compliment by providing Paris with donkey rides. The people of Paris were delighted by this goodwill gesture, pronouncing the donkeys "very tasty". Influences of Southport's architectural style can be still seen in Paris today. The monument of Les Invalides borrows heavily from Southport's Norman church, while the Pompidou Centre was copied from the east face of Kwiksave.

[ The writer Michael Ireland was brought up here. Born into a wealthy family, he led something of a playboy lifestyle, including a rumoured affair with Nancy Cunard, despite her being married to the shipping magnate James Crosschannelferry. Ireland wrote many novels and essays during the 1930s, but when his writing skill left him, he retired to raise beef cattle...but sadly suffered from butcher's block. Not broadcast]

Another notable Southport local is Derek Acorah, the psychic medium who speaks to the dead through an ancient Ethiopian warrior, but Acorah's not the only one in Southport with the ability to summon up those no-one's heard of for many years...Let's meet the teams...

Southport
13 Nov 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to Southport, the jewel in the crown of England's north west coast. Southport is rightly proud as the home of Red Rum. The famous racehorse was trained here, running on the sands and swimming in the sea. Red Rum won the Grand National in 1973, '74, and '77, and then in 1978, the 100 metres backstroke.

Among Southport's many varied events, the town hosts an annual Air Show, with visitors enthralled by the displays of air from all over the world. This years' event was won by Albert Greasby of Warrington who gained gold rosettes in three categories: Longest Piece of Air; Dried Air Mounted on Card; and Mixed Preserved Airs in Sealed Glass Jar. Mr Greasby put his success down to the rich and fertile loamy soil found around his bicycle pump.

Every 12th July, Southport hosts an Orange Men's March. This year included Robert Kilroy-Silk and David Dickinson. [ Sadly, Dale Winton had to cancel as he'd contracted a nasty case of Death Watch Beetle.

Politically, Southport is a stronghold of the Liberal Democrats. When Charles Kennedy resigned, it was Southport's constituancy party that held the most sway in deciding who would be chosen to lead the Lib-Dems into third place at the next General Election. With the new leader appointed, he was duly paraded around the town in a convertible Mercedes Bing. Not broadcast]

Britain's last chief hangman Albert Pierpoint lived here in Southport. During a career spanning three decades, Pierpoint is credited with executing 433 men and 17 women, including 6 U.S. soldiers at Shepton Mallet, 200 Nazis at Nuremberg, and a parking meter attendant in Wythenshawe, that last one being a private job.

[ Probably Southport's most famous resident is the actress Jean Alexander, who for many years played Hilda Ogden in Coronation Street. During her run in the series, Corrie regularly attracted an audience of 15 million...and one bloke. On retiring from Coronation Street, Miss Alexander was recruited to join the cast of Last Of The Summer Wine, as the producers felt that it could use an injection of younger blood. And how one can empathise with that sentiment as I say: Not broadcast] Let's meet the teams...

Southport
20 Nov 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in London, at the Victoria Palace Theatre. This area's most famous attraction is Tate Britain, the art gallery on the site of the old Millbank Prison. During renovation work, evidence of the former use of the building was discovered in the form of a slopping-out bucket which had lain unemptied for a century. A workmen dragged the fettid bucket out into the main hall, where it promptly won that year's Turner Prize. A strange piece of art, maybe, but one judged by critics to be particularly fine, as the flies follow you around the room. [ The gallery was founded by the philanthropist Henry Tate, who made his millions selling sugar cubes. A statue of him in front of the gallery recently needed urgent restoration work...after the teeth fell out. Attempting to gain wider appeal, the Tate has expanded in recent years, with Tate Modern, Tate Liverpool, Tate St. Ives, and their touring show, Tate That.

For much of the architecture in this area we have to thank master builder Thomas Cubitt. Many of his buildings are now offices, including the headquarters of the Office for National Statistics, which are just 1.765 stones throws away. Not broadcast]

The child prodigy Mozart lived for a time here, where at the age of four he wrote his first two symphonies - the 'a' major, and 'g' minor.

[ The founder of the interior design and furnishings concern Laura Ashley lived here. Once a flourishing business, in the 1990s, the company's financial position declined, and although never actually in the red, they were occasionally in the Autumn Russett. Not broadcast]

The comedian Professor Stanley Unwin regularly appeared here. Despite his apparent jolly demeanour, Unwin was in fact a lifelong sufferer of clinical depression, admitting to frequent bouts of feeling suicidalo. But, he's not alone in finding causes of deep depression in these parts...Let's meet the teams...

Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to the Victoria Palace in London, home to the musical Billy Elliot, [ which came to this theatre in 2005. Not broadcast] The show tells the story of a young lad whose dreams are on a London stage. Welcome to my world!

In the early 19th century, French prisoners of war were housed in prison ships moored on the Thames at nearby Millbank. However, these ships regularly sank, until it was discovered prisoners were tunnelling their way out.

With the opening of the Channel Tunnel, Victoria Station became the London terminus of the Orient Express. Well heeled travellers can make the romantic journey from Venice, across the Alps Meritine and along the Côtes d'Azure, before turning north to sip Champagne as they're sped all the way in luxury all the way to a points failure at Orpington. [ Victoria Station also runs the Gatwick Express service. In the first 9 months of 2006, Gatwick Airport received just over 23 million passengers...and hopes to get them boarded soon. Not broadcast]

The TV cook Nigella Lawson lives nearby here. When she was born, her father, the former Chancellor, chose her name by simply adding the letter 'A' to his own, and she was duly registered as Thatuselessfatgita Lawson. [  Nigella is married to Charles Saatchi, who was an early?? patron of the young Damien Hurst. However, Saatchi was bitterly disappointed having paid 400,000 for a dissected veal calf, only to find it served up on a coulis of warm {???unreadable} lunch. Saatchi's advertising agency's fortunes were amassed in the promotion of Conservative MPs and cigarettes, which will soon be banned in public places. What wonderful news that is. Hang on - I think it only means the cigarettes. Not broadcast]

An early famous performer in this theatre was the ballerina Pavlova. In 1911, the chef Escoffiere created a desert pudding in her honour, which he delivered here in person. However, before she could sample it, the phone rang, and Pavlova's dogs ate it. The famous bronze statue of Pavlova in front of the theatre was removed in 1939. The theatre management can't say whether it's metal was taken for the War effort to make bombs, or whether it ended up in someone's garden. The answer is both. However, Pavlova isn't the last performer here to end up broken down and bombing...Let's meet the teams...

Victoria Palace
04 Dec 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us on a visit to Sunderland in the fine county of Tyne & Wear. A settlement first appeared here in the 7th century when [ the Not broadcast] Vikings stopped off on their way to Greenland. The town was therefore called Soondourlunt, being an old Norse word meaning "Who was reading the bloody map?"

[ The Saxon king Ecgfrith set up court in Sunderland to rule Northumbria, and fight the Vikings who'd captured Newcastle. However, after negotiations, they took the town back for a payment of 12 silver shillings. Not a great sum even then, but the Vikings couldn't afford to pay more.

Probably the most important aspect of Sunderland's early growth was shipbuilding. It began here in 1346, at the beginning of the Hundred Years War. Many vessels were build to carry troops, but recruitment was difficult as so few soldiers were prepared to sign up for that long. Not broadcast]

Because of their long association with the making of ships, the people of Sunderland became known as 'Makems', or more correctly now 'Used-To-Makems'.

[ We are today guests of the recently refurbished Sunderland Empire Theatre. An architectural triumph, its distinctive tower was originally adorned by a statue of Terpsichore, the Greek goddess of dance, but the original statue was moved during wartime air raids. It's now located at the top of a staircase, the bottom of a canal, {???unreadable}. For many years, the theatre hosted the University of Sunderland's graduation ceremony, being one if the few local venues that could accommodate a capacity crowd of seven.

Sunderland has recently become famous for its call centres, and is rightly known as the UK's call centre centre. The town was chosen because the north east accent is rated the most trustworthy in the country, and who wouldn't believe someone who told you your call was important to them every ten seconds for three quarters of an hour? Not broadcast]

It was Sunderland's Chief Constable Frederick Crawley who designed the first police box. This concept was taken as the model for the Tardis, which appears large on the inside despite being quite tiny on the outside. When Mr Crawley left the force, he took up photography, producing sales brochures for Barrett Homes.

The intrepid BBC reporter Kate Adie was brought up in Sunderland. Miss Adie was present at the storming of the Iranian Embassy, the invasion of Iraq, the bombing of Tripoli, and three Turkish earthquakes. When she returned here recently to launch a ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck. Indeed, Kate Adie has witnessed most major disasters broadcast by the BBC, so it's a surprise she isn't here today, as I say...Let's meet the teams...

Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at the Empire Theatre in the fine city of Sunderland.

The family of the first U.S. President George Washington came from this area. It was George Washington who led the revolt by the American colonists, as they no longer wished to be treated as the subservient lackies of Britain. Well, he certainly reversed that one, and so War of Independence began, and soon Americans were raining cannon salvoes down upon their former British allies...a tradition they proudly preserve to this day.

Sunderland is rightly proud of its fine football team. In 1989, Sunderland AFC were required to turn their old Roker Park home into an all-seater stadium, but the scheme failed when the team found it nearly impossible to play the long ball game sitting down. Instead, a site for a new stadium was found at nearby Monkwearmouth. Work on the replacement ground began in 1996, when it was labelled the Wembley of the north. However, as the city wanted it complete before the entire team died of natural causes, it was renamed the Stadium of Light. That name was borrowed from Benfica's stadium in Lisbon, baceuse of the obvious similarity between the two cities. Lisbon is a coastal city with constant sunshine, boasting Baroque and Romanesque architecture, whose cultural heritage makes it a Mecca for writers and artists...and Sunderland is also on the coast.

The author Lewis Carroll was a regular Sunderland visitor, and set sail from here on his journey to China. Carroll's inspiration for the name 'Wonderland' came when he heard the word 'Sunderland', and simply substituted the first letter. Luckily he wasn't going to Nanking.

[ One William Paley, rector of nearby Bishopwearmouth, wrote a treatise on natural theology. This denied Darwin's theory of evolution, Paley arguing that inferior lifeforms are also capable of survival??? How proud he would have been to hear me say: Not broadcast] Let's meet the teams...

Sunderland
18 Dec 2006
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the London Coliseum, in the heart of the West End's theatreland.

[ Just to the east of here is found Covent Garden, designed by Inigo Jones after the style of the architecture of Venice. When the refurbished Covent Garden Piazza was reopened in 1980, an international football match was screened there in celebration, with the Venicians winning a thrilling game in extra time. Yes, there was dancing in the streets of Venice that night.

With increasing traffic congestion, in 1974 the old Covent Garden Market fruit and vegetable sellers moved to Nine Elms. They actually wanted to move to Eight Elms, but it was a little bit over. Not broadcast]

This fine theatre is found on St Martin's Lane, nestling between the districts of Soho and Covent Garden. In addition to its many shops and bars, Covent Garden is also home to the London Transport Museum, where visitors can enjoy a static display of vintage Underground carriages. Alternatively they can save a few quid by taking a trip on the Northern Line.

At the beginning of World War II, Covent Garden had become run down and seedy. It's recorded that a young German woman named Helga Schmitt, suspected of being a spy, was hidden in a loft here by a notorious spiv, who protected her in return for sexual favours. What a relief it was for frauline Schmitt when she learned the War was over...in 1978.

[ On the street known as Long Acre are the premises of Edward Stanford, the famous Victorian maker of maps. Stanford's map shop was opened in November 1886, and was open continuously for 120 years, until someone finally worked out how to close it again. He's buried in nearby St Paul's churchyard, alongside that of his wife with her unusual upside-down headstone.

Just to the north is the area known as Seven Dials where seven streets converge around a sundial. The original Baroque one was pulled down by an angry mob in 1752, when the Gregorian calendar was introduced. As September 2nd was to be followed by September 14th, the rioters believed they were being robbed of 12 days of their lives. Poor ignorant fools - they hadn't lost twelve days, they'd only lost eleven. After England, the new system was gradually introduced elsewhere, until today virtually the whole world operates by the Gregorian calendar except for the motor trade, which works under the Readers' Wives calendar. Not broadcast]

We are today guests of the London Coliseum, which, in the Edwardian era, ran horse races here on the theatre's famous revolving stage which operated like a running machine, until one evening when it malfunctioned and suddenly stopped, which explains why the pub next door has four horses' heads on the wall...and above them the heads of four very surprised little jockeys.

In August 1914, the future Queen Mother was brought here by her parents to celebrate her fourteenth birthday. In the afternoon, they took in a matinee, and on the way home, war was declared on Germany...although she said she'd have been just as happy with a pony.

[ The Coliseum is proud to be the largest theatre in London. As I introduce the teams to an audience of 2400, I know not one will be disappointed...so apologies to the other 2399... Not broadcast] Let's meet the teams...

London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to the London Coliseum, the home of English National Opera. This fine theatre is found on St Martin's Lane, nestling between the districts of Soho and Covent Garden.

Just around the corner is Long Acre, home to the headquarters of the National Association of Second Hand Car Dealers, who claim a membership of 25000, although the true figure is probably more than twice that.

[ In Victorian times, Covent Garden became the haunt of ne'er-do-wells and prostitutes. Prime Minister Gladstone took to patrolling the area by night, and taking fallen women back to his home to teach them the evils of sin. {???} after a few weeks, he {???} again. Not broadcast]

On the far side of Covent Garden is Bow Street, home of the famous Bow Street Runners, which from 1749 to 1829 won every year's Best String Bean display.

But a short walk from here is the National Portrait Gallery, which has recently courted controversy with several avant garde works, including a less-than-flattering portrait of Richard Branson. The Virgin boss has huge yellow teeth, great puffy red lips, and leers menacingly through green eyes under bushy brows...and the picture tries to convey this.

[ To the north of Leicester Square is the old London home of the writer P.G. Wodehouse, who invented film classification. In fact, the original offices of the British Board of Film Classification are still on Soho Square, and are open to members of the public, but only if they're accompanied by their parents. Not broadcast]

[ Famous names associated with this part of London include that of Kate Moss, the supermodel. Miss Moss worked at a fashion house here recently, putting in fourteen hour days to complete her new range, although the team made sure she took her half an hour lunch break {???} Not broadcast]

But a stones-throw away is Trafalgar Square, where every December is erected a huge Christmas Tree sent by the people of Norway, who also send funds to provide workmen, who spend the other eleven months picking needles out of the pigeons.

Along The Strand is Coutts Bank, who for generations have handled the finances of the Royal family. As a young girl of seven, Queen Elizabeth was visited by the manager of Coutts to discuss a small loan, and after chatting with him, she duly agreed to let him have one.

Alongside St Paul's Church, Covent Garden, was created the Avenue Of The Stars, with plaques commemorating the names of the top 500 most famous British actors and performers. Let's meet numbers 501 to 504...

London Coliseum
11 Jun 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in the Wales Millennium Centre, in the fine city of Cardiff. The people of Wales have made a contribution to world events far out of proportion to the size of their population. [ It's now well accepted that a small group of Welsh colonised America in the 12th century to get away from their English oppressors, who constantly dragged them on crusades to the Middle East to fight the Muslims. Not broadcast] Evidence that the Welsh settled in America was discovered in 1792 by the English explorer Stanley Richardson, who found a tribe of fair skinned, blue eyed people who lived in wigwams and spoke a form of Welsh...although they only did that when he turned up. This tribe, known as the Madogwys, not only taught Richardson how to prepare their native dish, of melted cheese on toast, but also showed him how to make fires to send smoke signals. Sadly, Richardson was a bit slow on the uptake, and they quickly ran out of English holiday cottages. [ In the 19th century, Canada was charted by Welshman David Thompson. He spent 35 years meticulously measuring every inch of Canada, and noting his findings in 77 huge volumes. He died in 1857, following a heart attack induced by the excitement of spotting some paint drying. Thompson was also responsible for drawing the border between Canada and the U.S.A., he being one of the few people at that time to have a two and a half thousand mile ruler. Both of America's greatest universities, Yale and Harvard, were founded by Welshmen. Harvard is rightly proud of its graduates in law, business studies and science, and Yale its many superbly qualified key cutters, who often also major in shoe repairs. Not broadcast]

[ Born to Welsh parents in 1867, the architect Frank Lloyd Wright devised the first open-plan house and other revolutionary designs. The famous Kaufmann residence was built into the side of a mountain, with a stream running through the living room, and water cascading down the reception area walls. I had a builder like that once... Not broadcast]

The notorious Chicago gangster Al Capone wasn't Welsh, but his right-hand man 'Machine Gun' Murray was. Murray was the gang's 'fixer' of leading politicians, and became boss for a while when Capone was in prison. Murray died in 1937 of herpes. You don't normally die of herpes, but you did if you gave it to Al Capone's wife...

We couldn't come to Cardiff without a mention of their fine football team. Although a fiercely proud Welsh team, Cardiff City play in the English league, despite the language barrier, but they're gradually getting to grips with Italian and Portuguese.

[ We are today guests of the Millennium Centre here in Cardiff. The venue opened in 2004, and with nothing but the finest acts, has recorded an unbroken run of success, and we've got four record breakers for you tonight. Not broadcast] Let's meet the teams...

Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to the Wales Millennium Centre, in the fine city of Cardiff. The city sits on the river Taff, which gives rise to the nickname 'Taffy' for those from the Cardiff area, much in the same way that those who live alongside the river Thames in London are known as...homeless.

It was one Oliver Evans, an engineer from south Wales, who invented the first motor car in 1817. His machine weighed 26 tons, was driven by four enormous wheels, required massive amounts of fuel and needed a ladder to get on board. The public never took to it, so he gave it to his wife to take the children to school.

[ The last truly Welsh Prince of Wales was Owain Glyndwr, who was even recognised by the English King John. In 1204, Glyndwr requested Joan, daughter of the King, for his wife. Mrs Glyndwr said she'd have preferred a toaster. Not broadcast]

The current Prince of Wales was formally given the title at Caernarvon Castle. (Did I say that right - Caernarvon? Well, why can't they spell it right then?) Amid much pageantry and splendour, when he arrived for his investiture in 1969, Prince Charles took an oath promising, as Liege Lord of Wales, to serve, honour and protect the Welsh people from all manor of foes. Never seen him since.

[ The Welsh national symbol, now depicted on the flag, came to Uther Pendragon in a dream, when he saw a red dragon appear to him in a comet, which promised freedom from English oppression, but only if he took the three year extended warranty. The custom of wearing a leek to promote Welsh national pride is a long tradition. The English were often assumed to be ignorant of Welsh culture, but in fact Shakespeare refers to this custom in Henry V, when his character Fluelleninsists on wearing a leek in battle, saying "For I am Welsh, you know, Och-Aye The Noo." The leek is purported to possess all manor of special powers. It is not only said to be a cure for the common cold, but can also reduce the pain of childbirth. Practioners of alternative medicine have been pushing for its use for years. They've been told they'll have to push harder. Not broadcast]

Today, the Welsh language is the most widely spoken Celtic tongue. It's closely related to Cornish and Manx, but Cornish died out over a hundred years ago, while Manx is now spoken only by one man, who continues to promote its usage, although he recently admitted that for all the good it does, he might as well be talking to himself.

[ The Wales Millennium Centre is proud to be the largest theatre in Wales. As I introduce the teams to an audience of 1900, I know not one will be disappointed, so apologies to the other 1899... Not broadcast]

Let's meet the teams...

Cardiff
25 Jun 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Wimbledon, a vibrant town boasting a long and fascinating history. [ Scholars believe that there's been a settlement here since the Iron Age. In 1973, labourers working for the gas board discovered ancient knives and forks, clearly showing traces of petrified flesh, and a cooking pot containing the remains of a dog. So they contacted the authorities, who had their canteen shut down. In Roman times, a fort was constructed on Wimbledon Common. Great pomp and ceremony accompanied its inauguration, when the Roman governor Agricola opened the mighty gates and declared "Caesar's Camp!" What was he thinking? Brown sandals with a purple toga? Not broadcast] Wimbledon village and four hundred acres of prime land were under the ownership of the Cecil family until 1638, when King Charles I bought the property as a birthday present for his wife Henrietta Maria. Sadly, it was not only the wrong size and colour, but it also made her bum look big. Luckily, the Cecils agreed to exchange it for a Burberry handbag, as long as Charles made up the difference in price.

During the late 18th century, many duels were fought on Wimbledon Common. One of the most infamous was when Sir Francis Burdett was challenged by the Duke of York. Burdett was offered the choice of rapier or pistol, and as an accomplished swordsman, chose the rapier. It didn't do him much good - the Duke chose the pistol.

Admiral Lord Nelson had a house here and regularly frequented the Dog & Fox Inn for boughts of drunken gambling. It was there one night he made a famous wager, declaring: If Lady Hamilton isn't a virgin, you can pull my arm off and poke me in the eye with it.

[ By the 1890s, Wimbledon was well established as a commuter town, with regular horse-buses running to the city. However, when the electric tram line arrived in 1907, the horses went to London on that instead. Not broadcast]

[ The inventor of the milk carton, Arthur Reynolds, had a small mill producing cardboard here. After devising the new carton, Reynolds' business expanded rapidly, and he built a large new factory and warehouse. Sadly, he died at the grand opening when half the contents spilled out on top of him. However, Reynolds wasn't the last to endure a disastrous opening in Wimbledon. Not broadcast] Let's meet the teams...

Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to Wimbledon, the jewel in the crown of London's south west suburbs. Wimbledon is probably most famous for its tennis tournament, which began in 1877. Until 1905, players were exclusively English, but then a 14 year old American girl, May Sutton, was allowed an entry, and at her first attempt won the Ladies' Singles, the Men's Singles, the Men's Doubles, the Ladies' Doubles, and the meat raffle.

During the war, Wimbledon's centre court was dug over as part of the Dig For Victory campaign, and groundsmen report that vegetables occassionally pop up, even to this day. A small turnip which appeared on the base line in 1998 was blamed for putting Tim Henman out of the quarter finals...when it beat him three sets to love. In 1985, Boris Becker created a record when he became the first unseeded player to win the men's title. Becker's last match was in 1999, when he was again unseeded...this time by a Russian model in a broom cupboard.

[ Another famous sporting venue here is Wimbledon Stadium. Once the home of speedway racing, Wimbledon Stadium now only hosts greyhound and stock car races. The cars usually win. Not broadcast]

[ During the 1960s, the French philosopher and dramatist Jean Paul Sartre came to live and work in Wimbledon. An exponent of atheistic existentialism, it was here Sartre wrote Les Chemins de la Liberté and Les Wombles De La Common De Wimbledon. He left England shortly after, complaining he'd been plagiarised by a TV series called Les Chemins de la Liberté De Noddy Et Big Ears Not broadcast]

Wimbledon was the birth place of Samuel Cunard of shipping line fame. Cunard left school at the age of twelve, but could find no work. Finding an abandoned rowing boat on the Thames at Mortlake, he repaired it and began ferrying passengers for a penny a time. With the cash he bought more old rowing boats and patched them up until after seventeen years of tirelessly repairing and rowing fourteen hours a day...Cunard's rich uncle died and left him a shipping line.

Well now it's time to introduce the teams. [ They are four comedians who all achieved overnight success...although sadly during the day it seems to escape them... Not broadcast]

Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Croydon, the sparkling gemstone in South London's suburban crown. Croydon was first noted as the London residence of the Archbishops of Canterbury, who lived at Addington Hall. When the Hall needed to be refurbished in 1807, the Archbishop asked for 'Capability' Brown, but the General Synod said that he had to have Dulux El Paso Beige. [ In 1953, Addington Hall became the home of the Royal College Of Music, where they pioneered the use of hypnosis for treatment of those performers who suffered stage fright. At their first concert, the conductor proudly counted in his band, and the entire string section fell into a deep sleep. Not broadcast]

Croydon's ancient parish church was rebuilt by the architect Giles Gilbert Scott, who famously also designed our traditional red telephone boxes. Sadly Gilbert Scott died before completion, but as a mark of respect at his funeral, male mourners patiently waited their turn to urinate in his tomb.

[ London's first international aerodrome opened here soon after the First World War. However, by the 1950s it was realised that Croydon Airport was too small. A study was undertaken which proved the airport to be hopelessly unable to cope with either London's modern air traffic, or passenger numbers, and was therefore judged perfect. Not broadcast]

[ Croydon is home to the Association of British Video Games Players. They're about to move from their old offices in Whitehorse Road to more suitable permises...in Keith's bedroom. Not broadcast]

[ Famous names associated with Croydon include that of Matthew Fisher, former keyboard player with Procol Harem. In a recent landmark court case, Fisher was judged to have been co-writer of their record A Whiter Shade Of Pale...but he'll be lodging an appeal. The cricketer Mark Butcher is from Croydon. Having played county cricket for Surrey for several seasons, in 1997 Butcher was selected to play test matches for England. After a few games he became plagued by injury, his form declined badly...and he was promoted to captain. Not broadcast] The international basketball player Luol Deng lives in Croydon. He arrived in South Norwood in 1998 as a young boy with his family, refugees fleeing civil war in Sudan. The family spent an uncertain six months applying for asylum, before the Home Office agreed the situation there was so bad, they should be allowed to leave South Norwood.

We are today guests of the Fairfield Halls, which found national fame as the home of professional wrestling. When ITV decided to stop broadcasting wrestling, the Fairfield Halls claimed they were badly hurt by the loss of revenue...but they weren't really.

You join us today at the beginning of the fiftieth series of the show. It seems like only yesterday that four comedians got together to prepare a rambling new show based around the flimsiest of formats. One wonders how such a half-hearted, amateur, creation would fair today. Let's find out...

Croydon
12 Nov 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second visit to the Fairfield Halls in Croydon, south London's capital of culture, boasting a rich and varied history. Still preserved in the centre of Croydon are its famous Elizabethan Whitgift Almshouses. When they were opened in 1599, the mayor proclaimed there was free food and shelter, and invited the town's poor, needy and impotent. Well, the poor and the needy arrived, but the impotent couldn't come.

[ In the early 19th century, Croydon was established as a suburb for middle class commuters working in the City. When the East Croydon Railway opened in May 1839, the service reached London Bridge station in 15 minutes...just the once. Not broadcast]

Long before Charles Darwin's studies, a noted local biologist named Alfred Russel Wallace came up with an early theory of evolution. It was Wallace who coined the phrases 'natural selection' and 'survival of the fittest' to which, when Darwin's book was published, he added 'thieving bastard'.

[ Croydon is noted as the home to the first ever self-service Sainsbury's in England. When its doors opened in February 1958, thousands of Croydon's eager residents rushed in to clear the shelves of an unimagined range of goods, thus heralding the golden age of shoplifting. Not broadcast]

[ As part of its current reconstruction programme, Croydon commissioned the building of a skyscraper to rival Canary Wharf. On the grand opening day, it was discovered that from the 24th floor balcony, it was possible to see as far as Orpington, but the architects have agreed to come back and demolish it free of charge. It was either that or take the balcony off, but they went for the cheaper option. Not broadcast]

[ The supermodel Kate Moss is a Croydon girl. Despite her recent problems, Miss Moss is still pictured in all the fashion magazines, and you often see her face in The Mirror, {??? unreadable} a newspaper of the same name. Not broadcast]

We are once again guests of the Fairfield Halls, which appeared briefly in the recent movie of The Da Vinci Code. The Halls and surrounding area were used to depict Notre Dame Cathedral and the Îsl De La Cité in Paris, making that scene amongst the most convincing in the whole film. [ Since opening in 1962, the Fairfield Halls has boasted performances from some of the greatest names in show business. They take pride in presenting exceptional talent...and we certainly have four exceptions tonight... Not broadcast]

Croydon
19 Nov 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Manchester, the fine metropolis boasting a wealth of culture and history. [ According to the Office of National Statistics, Manchester is now Britain's second city. They don't say what the first one is. Not broadcast] As the epicentre of the Industrial Revolution, it was here that a phrase was coined that has survived to this day: "What happens in Manchester today happens in the rest of the world tomorrow." So, if you're listening rest of the world, tomorrow it's going to drizzle.

[ Manchester Cathedral is rightly noted for the Gothic splendour of its architecture. Begun in the Middle Ages, construction work continued on and off for several centuries before being completed, thanks to a van load of Poles arriving from {???unreadable}. After it was damaged during a bombing raid in December 1940, Manchester Cathedral's verger vowed revenge, and set up a gun in the spire intending to shoot down a German aircraft. His diligence eventually paid off, and he downed three in one night...in February 1976. Not broadcast]

[ In 2007, the Church of England demanded an apology from the Sony Corporation over the use of Manchester Cathedral as the setting for a gun fight in a PlayStation game. The Church explained this was blasphemy, and they wouldn't put up with it. They didn't go to all that trouble burning blasphemers at the stake just to suffer one slightly unrealistic video game. Not broadcast]

[ Manchester is proud to be home of Cheatham's Library, the oldest lending library in Britain. It was there that Karl Marx developed his arguments against the proletarian control of capital, and the rights of workers to share in the profit of labour, but the librarian said that despite all that, he was still being fined 1'6d, and if she caught him drawing in the margins of Fanny Hill again, it would be half a crown. Not broadcast]

[ Manchester's Arndale Centre is already Britain's largest city centre shopping mall, but there are plans afoot to add space for another 200 outlets, at least three of which aren't going to be Starbucks. Not broadcast]

Famous people from Manchester include Gordon Hill, a former top division football referree. Beginning in 1958, Mr Hill officiated at over 400 matches. Sadly, he was forced to retire on medical grounds in 1972...when his eyesight suddenly came back.

[ A fictional name associated with Manchester is Daphne Moon, from the American sitcom Frasier. On the programme, they frequently mention that Daphne is from Manchester...to overcome the confusion caused by her accent. Not broadcast]

Nearby Wilmslow is the upmarket suburb that's become home to many premier league footballers. However, a recent documentary following the daily lives of their wives and girlfriends had to be abandoned, when the film crew collapsed due to peroxide inhalation. Wilmslow was also the home of Alan Turing, whose work during the war eventually cracked the German Enigma code. Turing spent countless hours trying to make some sense out of a baffling series of transmissions. Welcome to my world.

Manchester
26 Nov 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Manchester, the fine city and jewel of England's north west. The Manchester area has long welcomed immigrant labour from Europe. Salford was known as New Flanders because of its Flemish weavers, while Ancoats became known as Little Italy because it changed sides three times during World War II.

The pioneer and feminist Emiline Pankhurst was born in Manchester. Starting in 1910, Pankhurst campaigned noisily for women's rights outside Parliament every day from 4 o'clock in the afternoon. She would have got there earlier, but she always had a stack of ironing to get through first. Another noted Mancunian was the businessman and philanthropist Jonathan Didcot. On retiring, he sold his business here and left to tend the poor and homeless in Liverpool, where his good work was said to be 'tireless'...just like his car.

Since 2002, Manchester has been home to the Northern Imperial War Museum at Salford Quays. Last summer they presented an exhibition of camouflage techniques and were proud to report that over 2000 visitors a week failed to see it.

Manchester's first aerodrome was opened at Trafford Park in 1911, where visitors could take pleasure trips in a novel form of aircraft powered by gas. These weren't a success as in windy weather the pilot kept going out.

[ Outside the city at Ringway is Manchester Airport which is served by more airlines than any other British airport. Consequently they can offer a range of over 200 destinations for passengers, and nearly 500 for their luggage. Not broadcast]

Nearby Wigan was the birthplace of James Thompson, inventor of the Thompson Tunneller. Designed in the 1950s, his rotary grinding machine meant tunnels all over Britain could be dug in a quarter of the time it used to take. But Thompson isn't alone in knowing how to bore the country quickly. Let me introduce the teams...

Manchester
03 Dec 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in Peterborough, the fine cathedral city boasting a long and fascinating history. There's evidence of a Bronze Age settlement here at Flag Fen to the east of the city. This fenland site was discovered in 1982 when a team funded by English Heritage carried out a survey of local dykes...and when they couldn't help, the team started digging up old flood defences.

[ It's officially recorded that the Peterborough Town Hall is exactly 75 miles from London's Charing Cross. The Cross was commissioned by King Edward I in memory of Eleanor, his Queen. Such was his grief at the death of his beautiful bride, Edward decreed that a cross be carved ornately in marble from the Dolomites, inlaid with gold and lapis lazuli, and be erected exactly 75 miles from Peterborough Town Hall. Not broadcast]

[ Following the invasion of William The Conqueror, the Peterborough area was the last in England to submit to Norman rule. This was due to rebellions in the fens led by the resistance fighter Hereward the Wake, the first man in England to own an alarm clock. Not broadcast]

[ Catherine of Aragon came to live near Peterborough after her divorce from Henry VIII. Her settlement included estates at Kimbolton Castle, an adequate pension of 1000 gold duckets, a fondue set, and half a canteen of cutlery. She also got Acquitaine, but had to give it back every other weekend. Not broadcast]

[ Burghley House built by William Cecil in 1572 at Peterborough Soke has, since 1961, been home to the Burghley Horse Trials, the absolute pinnacle of the equestrian eventing. Spectators flock there annually from across the country in the hope of seeing a posh bird fall into a muddy pond. Not broadcast]

[ Although now officially part of Cambridgeshire, Peterborough has at various times been in Rutland, Northamptonshire and Lincolnshire. One resident aged 98 who has lived in the same cottage all his life has recently been rehoused due to travel sickness. Not broadcast]

During the War, Radar was invented at nearby RAF Wittering, and to celebrate the anniversary of the event, the original machinery was recently restored to re-enact its first use. At 8.30am on 10th October this year, a team of technicians set the equipment running, while at the same time a restored World War II German bomber set off from Hamburg, and sure enough, at just after 9.15, France surrendered.

We are today guests of Peterborough's Broadway Theatre, which reopened in its present form in 2001. Since then, the Broadway hasn't presented anything but top line entertainment, and today that's exactly what we have...anything but top line entertainment...

Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week for a second visit to Peter Brough. With his cheeky dummy Archie Andrews, Peter Brough became the world's most famous radio ventriloquist. However, most experts agree that his technique wasn't the greatest. In fact, when Brough was listening to Archie, you could see his ears move.

[ Peter Brough's cathedral is one of England's finest... Not broadcast] Hang on - I see what's happened - there's an 'O' missing. Peterborough's cathedral has its origins in the Saxon abbey built in the 10th century and dedicated to St Peter. As it expanded, the abbey and its surroundings were known as a 'burgh', which soon came to be called 'St Petersburgh'. Eventually of course that name evolved into the one we know today - Leningrad.

Despite the fact that they were mainly marshland, the fens were first inhabited around 35 thousand years ago, the earliest settlers having walked from Europe, which was then still attached to England. Evidence exists of many from France occupying the local bogs, as they were so much nicer than the French ones.

This part of England is notoriously flat and low lying, with many areas actually below sea level. This was never a problem until the German raids of 1940 when the town hall was torpedoed by a U-boat.

[ The automotive engineer Henry Royce was born in Peterborough. He formed a company with Charles Rolls to build the finest cars in the world. It was their boast that having turned the ignition key, you would never hear the engine running. I've had a few cars like that. Not broadcast]

[ Just a few miles north of here is the town of Grantham, the birth place of both Margaret Thatcher and Nicholas Parsons. That such a small town should produce even one great talent of world renown would be remarkable, but to produce two...well, that didn't happen either. Another local is Toby Anstis, the radio and TV presenter who appeared on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. That explains why you've never heard of him. Not broadcast]

[ During the War, Radar was invented at nearby RAF Wittering, and to celebrate the anniversary of the event, the original machinery was recently restored to re-enact its first use. At 8.30am on 10th October this year, a team of technicians set the equipment running, while at the same time a restored World War II German bomber set off from Hamburg, and sure enough, at just after 9.15, France surrendered. Not broadcast]

Also born near Peterborough was Douglas Metcalfe, the pioneer of the modern electronic digital computer. Sadly, Metcalfe died in hospital in 1968 following a minor malfunction of his life support machine. His last words were "Have you tried switching it off and on again?" But he isn't alone in dying while items of electrical equipment are being switched off...

Peterborough
17 Dec 2007
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Grand Opera House, Belfast.

Belfast boasts a rich and diverse history, and the city has managed to survive troubled times with an air of optimism, recently being awarded status as European City Of Commerce...for it's services to the balaclava industry.

By the Middle Ages, the area around Belfast was noted for its manufacture of fine linen. Famous as the handkerchief capital of Europe, Belfast Linen Mill proudly boasted that the world wiped its nose on their products, while the Newtonards Soft Paper Mill kept very quiet...

During the Victorian era, many of the population emigrated to the U.S.A., and Northern Ireland sent America no less than 10 presidents...until the White House asked them to stop as they already had one.

The nearby town of Killyleagh is noted as the birthplace of Sir Hans Sloane, the founder of the British Museum, although little of interest at his family's fine mansion remains, after everything was stolen by the Egyptians.

Very much a city of tradition, Belfast is famous for its marching season, when men in dark suits and bowler hats parade in tribute to the Home Pride Flour Graders.

Famous names associated with Belfast include George Best. Once voted European Footballer Of The Year, Best scored over 100 goals for Manchester United and represented Northern Ireland 37 times, so if you're listening George - that's what you did.

But the real Belfast of today is as much about ordinary folks that no-one is ever likely to have heard of. Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC 9, Side 1
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Lowry Centre in Salford, part of the great metropolis of Manchester.

The origins of Manchester lie in a Roman settlement founded by Julius Agricola. His fortified town was called 'mamucium', meaning 'a hill shaped like a breast', as Agricola boasted he liked to name places after whatever he missed from home. However, he kept strangely quiet after founding the town of Ramsbottom.

In 1485, Manchester figured heavily in the Wars of the Roses. Eventually the dynasties known as the House of Lancaster and the House of York were united by Henry VII, who combined both into the House of Fraser. Peace reigned here until the Civil War, when Royalist troops under Prince Rupert used the city as a base from which to attack nearby towns. He ordered the sacking of Bolton, when the entire town was reduced to a miserable pile of rubble. Later, funds were provided for reconstruction, and work is expected to start soon.

The Manchester we recognise today only really appeared with the Industrial Revolution, when the city's population was housed in overcrowded slum dwellings. However, sanitary conditions were improved when pipelines were constructed to bring fresh water from the Lake District. These worked well until the 1960s, when one resident ran a bath and discovered Donald Campbell in it.

The industrial labour movement was born in Manchester, eventually growing into the Trades Union Congress. So successful was the T.U.C., that it was once honoured by having a cheese biscuit named after it.

The Womens' Movement also started here, with Emmeline Pankhurst and the Suffragettes, who toured with Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas.

The most famous name associated with Salford is artist L.S. Lowry. A number of his famous 'matchstick' paintings are displayed here in the Lowry Centre - approximate contents 49.

The TV antiques expert David Dickinson spent his formative years in Manchester. Dickinson has since left, as he said he didn't like the constant rain - it makes him go streaky.

Another famous Mancunian is Judy Finnigan, who presents TV shows with husband Richard Madeley. She claimed a certain notoriety when, at an awards ceremony, her blouse fell off, allowing everything to spill out. Ever the professional, Madeley carried on, bravely ignoring the pain of his broken toes. But Richard Madeley isn't alone in having to witness embarrassing disasters...Let me introduce the teams...

ISIHAC 9, Side 2
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us in Dartford, the Kentish town with much to fascinate the curious visitor.

Dartford has been occupied by man since the dawn of civilisation. The area was also noted for its vast number of lemmings, and as the ice age receded, cave paintings record their migration north to Essex where, after a short stay, they took up the habit of throwing themselves off cliffs.

Dartford was but a small village until the middle ages, when the town enjoyed rapid growth thanks to the many pilgrims passing through on their way to Canterbury. They would assemble in London under the Charing Cross and pray for a safe days' journey. The tradition of praying at Charing Cross to get to Dartford on the same day survives even now.

The Peasants' Revolt of 1381 started in Dartford, when a Poll Tax collector's brains were beaten out with a hammer by Wat Tyler, to promote his new roofing trade magazine.

n 1660, Dartford was struck by the plague. When the epidemic ended, the town mayor decreed that the mighty bells of Holy Trinity church be rung constantly for a week...the same week in fact that the tinitus epidemic started.

The next event of historical interest occurred in 1956 when Dartford's famous tunnel was completed. It was opened by Her Majesty The Queen, to the applause of motorists queueing to be the first through. When she returned to open the new Dartford Bridge some forty years later, she was surprised to recognise the same ones again.

Probably the most famous name associated with Dartford is Mick Jagger. His contribution to Dartford is recognised in the town's music and arts venue, the Mick Jagger Centre, where elderly men with bad haircuts can take their pick from a selection of 19 year old Brazilian prostitutes. But there's more to Dartford today than just one internationally renowned superstar, so by way of a complete contrast...Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC 9, Side 3
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week at the Regent Theatre in Ipswich, the fine county town of Suffolk.

A beautiful county of gently rolling hills, Suffolk is bordered by Norfolk, with its historic Tudor villages and nature reserve coastline; by Cambridgeshire, with its fine University and unspoilt countryside; and by Essex.

Ipswich is a major centre for the manufacture of agricultural machinery. Here is produced equipment essential to farmers' needs, such as the revolving reel combine harvester, which separates grain from straw to ensure an efficient harvest, and the gear-driven half spinner which turns intruders round to ensure they're not inadvertently shot in the back.

Just along the coast is the village of Orford, famous for its ancient smoke-houses. Recent experiments with different types of wood produced a variety of smokes with the result that the nuns of nearby Orford Convent celebrated 7 new Popes in one afternoon.

Opening in the 1920s, Ipswich Airport operated Britain's first air services to Paris. It was one of these flights that brought the great French dessert chef Escoffier to Ipswich, where he set about traditional English tarts, and was soon famous for his Spotted Dick. Early charity parachute jumps also took place at Ipswich Airport, including the first made by a blind man. Older staff at the aerodrome remember it as a unique occasion, as they'd never before heard a golden labrador scream.

To the north of Suffolk is Newmarket, home of the Jockey Club. Founded in 1752, it's responsible for the control and regulation of underpants.

In recent years, the coastline around Ipswich has suffered severe erosion, but this has proved a boon to hunters of fossils that are released by the waves and deposited by the incoming tide, so there's no shortage of washed-up relics here. Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC 9, Side 4
Hello, & welcome to a brand new series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, coming to you from the Theatre Royal in Brighton.

We are here as part of the Brighton Festival, the country's premier festival of the arts, whose reputation for staging pioneering and original entertainment of the very highest quality has been built up painstakingly over many years. What a shame to blow it all with one show.

Speaking personally, I'm delighted to be here, having spent a very pleasant afternoon looking at antiques, I'm in the perfect mood to settle back and listen to some. Let me introduce you to them now...

Brighton
27 May 1995
Hello, & welcome to a brand new series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, coming to you from the Theatre Royal in Brighton.

We are here as part of the Brighton Festival, the country's premier festival of the arts, whose reputation for staging pioneering and original entertainment of the very highest quality has been built up painstakingly over many years. What a shame to blow it all with one show.

Speaking personally, I'm delighted to be here, having spent a very pleasant afternoon looking at antiques, I'm in the perfect mood to settle back and listen to some. Let me introduce you to them now...

ISIHAC Classic Repeat
27 Apr 2008
Hello, & welcome to a brand new series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Today we're coming to you from the ancient and splendid Theatre Royal in Windsor which, I was interested to learn, has been frequented by an impressive succession of Queens. Anyway, everywhere you look there are fascinating reminders of a vanished comic era. Let me introduce you to four of them... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
16 Jun 2008
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week at the 'Wycombe Swan' in the Buckinghamshire town of High Wycombe.

The very name High Wycombe has an interesting derivation - the Saxon word 'Wyc' means a small village community, 'Combe' was the Celtic word for a small depression or hollow, while the middle English 'High' has the same meaning as today, hence the literal translation 'Hello, villagers who live in a hole!'.

The area's wealth was built on the manufacture of traditional furnishings, and High Wycombe quickly became known as the furniture capital of England; and then with the growth in demand for chests of drawers and fancy footstools, Wycombe was elevated to the tall-boy and pouffe capital of Britain.

The Chiltern Hills are famous for the health-giving properties of their fine spring waters, but when bottles were recently discovered to contain urine, they were quickly withdrawn from supermarket shelves...and moved round to the own-brand lager section.

Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC Classic Repeat
23 Jun 2008
Hello & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

You're welcome to join us this week from the Theatre Royal in Winchester, a fine city set at the heart of the ancient kingdom of Wessex. It was the Romans who established a town here on the site of a small British settlement, and called it 'Wenterbelgarum'. The Latin word 'Wenter' simply meant 'home', while the word 'Belgarum' indicated a base of rocky hills or tors, hence the literal translation 'Home-Base-Tors'.

With the withdrawal of the Romans, the town went into decline until revived as a Saxon stronghold to fend off the Vikings. Much of England to the North-West was terrorised by invading Danes, who forced the native populus to endure such hardships as pillage, slavery, torture and bacon slices pumped full of water.

With the building of the cathedral, the city became the venue for Royal weddings. In 1554, the Archbishop of Canterbury came here and married Queen Mary and King Philip of Spain...and was subsequently excommunicated for committing bigamy.

The cathedral is today a major attraction, and houses the 12th century Winchester Bible, which is beautifully illuminated. This Christmas, they're hoping to get Ainsley Harriot to switch it on.

With the city constantly expanding, St John's Hospital was built here in A.D. 935. Their first ever patient is recorded as one Will The Shepherd. His decendants still live in the area, and treasure the document confirming his admission date, which has been passed down the family since the very day it was received...in 1984. St John's is believed to be the oldest medieval hospital in Britain. The N.H.S. recently began a modernization programme...to bring all their others up to this standard.

Well, it's now time to meet the teams, and this week we have four comedians off the television...and there aren't many who've been off the television as long as these...

ISIHAC Classic Repeat
30 Jun 2008
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week on a return visit to Ipswich, the undisputed jewel in Suffolk's crown.

A beautiful county of gently rolling hills, Suffolk is bordered by Norfolk, with its historic Tudor villages and nature reserve coastline; by Cambridgeshire, with its fine University and unspoilt countryside; and by Essex.

Opening in the 1920s, Ipswich Airport operated Britain's first air services to Paris. It was one of these flights that brought the great French dessert chef Escoffier to Ipswich, where he set about traditional English tarts, and was soon famous for his Spotted Dick. Early charity parachute jumps also took place at Ipswich Airport, including the first made by a blind man. Older staff at the aerodrome remember it as a unique occasion, as they'd never before heard a golden labrador scream.

To the north of Suffolk is Newmarket, home of the Jockey Club. Founded in 1752, it's responsible for the control and regulation of underpants.

In recent years, the coastline around Ipswich has suffered severe erosion, but this has proved a boon to hunters of fossils that are released by the waves and deposited by the incoming tide, so there's no shortage of washed-up relics here. Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC Classic Repeat
07 Jul 2008
Thank you ladies & gentlemen, and welcome to Just A Minute...oh, I'm sorry, I'm new to this. Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us this week in London's glitzy West End at Her Majesty's Theatre. This fine venue is situated on London's famous thoroughfare known as Haymarket. Now a busy one way street, it acquired that name because the traffic travels only one way...

[ It was in 1705 that the playright and architect John Vanburgh decided to build a theatre on this site, and sought funding from fellow members of the famous Kit-Cat Club, but they were having a break, so he had to wait. Vanburgh then approached the Royal Westminster Bank with his business plan. Not only were theatres notorious loss making enterprises, but also Vanburgh was frequently bankrupt, and as a hopeless habitual gambler, was a regular inmate at the debtor's prison...so the bank made him chairman. Not broadcast]

[ Haymarket is situated in the City of Westminster, the London borough which boasts some of the most exclusive and expensive residential property in the world. Mayfair, for example, is now populated only by those of fabulous means, such as billionaire Russian oligarchs, Arab oil sheiks, and Labour MPs claiming second home allowances. The Borough's most prestigious landmark must be Westminster Abbey. In 2005, newspapers revealed that the Queen made plans for the Duke of Edinburgh to have a state funeral there, but she was advised that Royal protocol dictated that she had to wait for him to die first. The Abbey is founded, of course, on Parliament Square, the scene of many political protests. Earlier this spring, when the National Association of Beekeepers marched there, police baton-charged them with rolled up copies of the Women's Weekly. As you probably know, London's police have of late suffered heavy criticism over their handling of protests, but a senior investigaing officer from the IPCC has promised he's going to get into the Met. and knock a few heads together. Not broadcast]

[ Nearby where we are this evening is the world famous auction house of Sotheby's, who recently hosted a sale of showbiz memorabilia, which included the original Sooty puppet. Sadly it failed to sell as the auctioneer collapsed after constantly hitting himself on the head with his little hammer. Not broadcast]

[ Until 2008, the world famous fashion house of Hardy Amies had their headquarters in Saville Row, round the corner. However, in the recession the company sadly failed after sales declined, and the went into the crimson blush. Not broadcast]

Close by here, of course, is Soho, home to London's French quarter, which was visited by President Sarkozy during his recent stay in London. The French President was greeted at Waterloo station, and driven via Trafalgar Square, and began to suspect someone was trying to make a point as he sat down to lunch at the Surrender-Monkey Bistro.

Also in Soho is found London's Chinatown, where visitors flock to the annual International Festival of Feng Shui. We can't say where this year's venue is, because they keep rearranging it...

London's West End is of course best known as Theatreland, hosting many a hit show. Amongst the most successful was a recent revival of Cabaret, the musical set in 1930s Berlin. With its hyperinflation, worthless currency, mass unemployment and economic collapse, it's amazing the West End could afford to put on the show at all really. One of the stars making Cabaret such a hit was Julian Clary. Now Julian, you may remember, began his career as The Joan Collins Fan Club, with Fanny the Wonderdog. However, when her teeth fell out meaning she couldn't chew her bones properly, and she took to sniffing strange mens' trousers, Julian and Fanny sent her a Get Well card...

This very theatre has played no small part in the West End's success with The Phantom Of The Opera, which in a run of 23 years has unbelievably grossed more than 1.8 billion pounds, and talking of unbelievably gross, let's meet the teams...

[ Westminster is also home to Britain's only Slovenian church, which hosts many traditional services. According to their web site, at a Slovenian wedding it's considered bad luck to throw rice or confetti at the bride, so they throw peas instead - it doesn't say whether frozen or tinned - but the tradition of throwing vegetables isn't confined to weddings...Let's meet the teams... Not broadcast]

Haymarket
15 Jun 2009
Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in London's West End at Her Majesty's Theatre. [ This fine venue is situated on London's famous thoroughfare known as Haymarket. Now a busy one way street, it acquired that name because the traffic travels only one way... The area once featured a deep pond. Until the 17th century, Haymarket often staged witch trials. In 1635, one Mad Mary Prouting was found guilty of witchcraft after she was ducked in the Haymarket pond before being steamed at the stake. Not broadcast]

It was in 1705 that the playright and architect John Vanburgh decided to build a theatre on this site, and sought funding from fellow members of the famous Kit-Cat Club, but they were having a break, so he had to wait. Vanburgh then approached the Royal Westminster Bank with his business plan. Not only were theatres notorious loss making enterprises, but also Vanburgh was frequently bankrupt, and as a hopeless habitual gambler, was a regular inmate at the debtor's prison...so the bank made him chairman.

A stones-throw distant is Covent Garden where, in the 1850s, William Gladstone spent his evenings saving the fallen women of the area's many brothels. Eventually exhausted by his selfless devotion to the cause, his physician suggested he urgently devote his energies to saving the local clap clinic.

[ Westminster Embankment was where the first bus service to Heathrow airport ran from. That's long gone, and now London's Mayor wants to close Heathrow as well. He should send a party of a dozen or so passengers down there to check in - that usually does the trick. Not broadcast]

Famous institutions here in Westminster include the old Royal London Hospital which was recently the subject of restoration work. However, disaster struck when the homeopathic wing collapsed because they used scaffold poles which were just one millionth the strength of proper scaffolding that actually worked.

[ Close by here, of course, is Soho, home to London's French quarter, which was visited by President Sarkozy during his recent stay in London. The French President was greeted at Waterloo station, and driven via Trafalgar Square, and began to suspect someone was trying to make a point as he sat down to lunch at the Surrender-Monkey Bistro. Not broadcast]

[ Also in Soho is found London's Chinatown, where visitors flock to the annual International Festival of Feng Shui. We can't say where this year's venue is, because they keep rearranging it... Not broadcast]

[ London's West End is of course best known as Theatreland, hosting many a hit show. Amongst the most successful was a recent revival of Cabaret, the musical set in 1930s Berlin. With its hyperinflation, worthless currency, mass unemployment and economic collapse, it's amazing the West End could afford to put on the show at all really. One of the stars making Cabaret such a hit was Julian Clary. Now Julian, you may remember, began his career as The Joan Collins Fan Club, with Fanny the Wonderdog. However, when her teeth fell out meaning she couldn't chew her bones properly, and she took to sniffing strange mens' trousers, Julian and Fanny sent her a Get Well card... Not broadcast]

[ This very theatre has played no small part in the West End's success with The Phantom Of The Opera, which in a run of 23 years has unbelievably grossed more than 1.8 billion pounds, and talking of unbelievably gross, let's meet the teams... Not broadcast]

Let's meet the teams...

Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


Back to www.isihac.org.uk

Copyright © 1998-2017 Kevin Hale. All rights reserved

Made with Cascading Style Sheets logo    Valid CSS!    Valid HTML 4.01!