The ISIHAC
Limericks Page

Last Updated
17 Jul 2007

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds involves the teams completing a limerick, one line each in turn, after being given a fruitful first line by chairman Humphrey Lyttelton. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)


Limerick Categories:
Christmas Limericks Clothing Limericks
Cookery, Food & Drink Limericks Detective Limericks
Dictator Limericks Explorer Limericks
Geographical Limericks Gods & Goddesses etc. Limericks
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Limericks Literary Limericks
Miscellaneous Limericks Mrs. Trellis of North Wales' Limericks
Musical Limericks Philosopher Limericks
Plant & Animal Limericks Politicical Limericks
Religious Limericks Sport & Hobby Limericks
Television, Radio & Newspaper Limericks The Opposite Sex Limericks
Unfortunately Ending Limericks


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Christmas Limericks

While out in the woods after holly,
I heard someone sing: "Hello Dolly!"
It was Danny La Rue,
Who said: "How do you do?"
So I showed him, with the use of my brolly.
1993 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1993
When Santa was out in his sleigh
He said: "How I love Christmas Day!
All over the Earth
We rejoice in His birth."
And the reindeer all shouted: "Oy Veh!"
1993 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1993
While hanging some balls on my tree,
I suddenly saw I had three.
I had some fruit cup
And two then lit up,
And the third one said: "What about me?"
1993 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1993
There was an old skinflint called Scrooge
Who anointed his nipples with rouge.
Said: "I feel a right Charlie,
But you should see Marley!
He's chained to a sailor in Bruges"
1993 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1993
There's a fairy on top of our tree
Who looks strangely familiar to me.
That isn't a fairy -
It's Julian Clary.
Well I never! Good heavens! Blow Me!
1994 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1994
In the night, when you've hung out your stocking
From the chimney, you'll hear something shocking.
It might well be Santa -
He's been at the decanter.
And now vintage port back he's knocking
1994 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1994
When Santa gets bored in his grotto
He doesn't play bingo or lotto.
He sits on a shelf,
And toys with an elf.
"Sod this for a lark!" is his motto.
1994 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1994
While hanging some balls on my tree,
I suddenly saw I had three.
I had some fruit cup
And two then lit up,
And the third one said: "What about me?"
1994 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1994
When Santa gets bored in his grotto
He doesn't play bingo or lotto.
He sits on a shelf,
And toys with an elf.
"Sod this for a lark!" is his motto.
ISIHAC 2, Side 1
There's a fairy on top of our tree
Who looks strangely familiar to me.
That isn't a fairy -
It's Julian Clary.
Well I never! Good heavens! Blow Me!
1992 Xmas Special
26 Dec 1992
In the night, when you've hung out your stocking
From the chimney, you'll hear something shocking.
It might well be Santa -
He's been at the decanter.
And now vintage port back he's knocking
1992 Xmas Special
26 Dec 1992
This Christmas we found a Yule Log
On which there was sitting a frog.
He turned into a prince -
We've not seen him since...
Mind you, we've not looked in the bog!
1992 Xmas Special
26 Dec 1992
When Santa gets bored in his grotto
He doesn't play bingo or lotto.
He sits on a shelf,
And toys with an elf.
"Sod this for a lark!" is his motto.
1992 Xmas Special
26 Dec 1992
While out in the woods after holly,
I heard someone sing: "Hello Dolly!"
It was Danny La Rue,
Who said: "How do you do?"
So I showed him, with the use of my brolly.
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
When Santa was out in his sleigh
He said: "How I love Christmas Day!
All over the Earth
We rejoice in His birth."
And the reindeer all shouted: "Oy Veh!"
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
While hanging some balls on my tree,
I suddenly saw I had three.
I had some fruit cup
And two then lit up,
And the third one said: "What about me?"
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
There was an old skinflint called Scrooge
Who anointed his nipples with rouge.
Said: "I feel a right Charlie,
But you should see Marley!
He's chained to a sailor in Bruges"
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
There's a fairy on top of our tree
Who looks strangely familiar to me.
That isn't a fairy -
It's Julian Clary.
Well I never! Good heavens! Blow Me!
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
In the night, when you've hung out your stocking
From the chimney, you'll hear something shocking.
It might well be Santa -
He's been at the decanter.
And now vintage port back he's knocking
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
This Christmas we found a Yule Log
On which there was sitting a frog.
He turned into a prince -
We've not seen him since...
Mind you, we've not looked in the bog!
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
When Santa gets bored in his grotto
He doesn't play bingo or lotto.
He sits on a shelf,
And toys with an elf.
"Sod this for a lark!" is his motto.
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Clothing Limericks

I once found my pet puss in Boots,
Buying condoms and herbal cheroots.
I said: "Naughty cat,
You mustn't do that.
They'll think we're a couple of fruits."
Northampton
30 Nov 1996
Whenever I wear my new clogs,
I'm followed by frisky young dogs.
One started to beg,
Then cocked his leg
And dampened the hem of my togs.
Northampton
30 Nov 1996
You won't guess what I keep in my wellies:
Three tarts and a couple of jellies,
A Cadbury's Flake
And a portion of hake
And an old spotted dick of George Melly's.
Northampton
30 Nov 1996
Whenever I wear winklepickers,
I know the footsteps behind are the vicar's.
It's the backs of my shoes
He likes to peruse -
Or perhaps it's the cut of my knickers.
Northampton
I once found my pet puss in Boots,
Buying condoms and herbal cheroots.
I said: "Naughty cat,
You mustn't do that.
They'll think we're a couple of fruits."
ISIHAC 4, Side 2
Whenever I wear my new clogs,
I'm followed by frisky young dogs.
One started to beg,
Then cocked his leg
And dampened the hem of my togs.
ISIHAC 4, Side 2
You won't guess what I keep in my wellies:
Three tarts and a couple of jellies,
A Cadbury's Flake
And a portion of hake
And an old spotted dick of George Melly's.
ISIHAC 4, Side 2
Whenever I wear winklepickers,
I know the footsteps behind are the vicar's.
It's the backs of my shoes
He likes to peruse -
Or perhaps it's the cut of my knickers.
ISIHAC 4, Side 2
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Cookery, Food & Drink Limericks

They do say when cooking with chives,
"Wait till the fire engine arrives."
They tend to explode,
Then you dump your load!
I'm speaking to you from St. Ives!
Richmond-Upon- Thames
22 Jun 1996
I have an aversion to dill.
I've been given an anti-dill pill.
Taken three times a day,
In an unusual way,
It still gives me a bit of a thrill.
Richmond-Upon- Thames
22 Jun 1996
It's said that if Prince Charles eats sage.
He boils it until it's turned beige.
The sage he likes most
Is Laurens Van der Post,
Who he keeps in a very small cage.
Richmond-Upon- Thames
22 Jun 1996
There's something about oregano
That prevents you from singing soprano.
To hit a top C,
Take this tip from me,
Wear a truss made of rusty Meccano.
Richmond-Upon- Thames
22 Jun 1996
When drinking a cup of Earl Grey,
My trousers began to decay.
I clutched at my zip,
But the old PG Tip
Was determined to have its own way.
07 Dec 1991
Admirers of Lapsang Souchong
Always bang on a very large gong;
Like J. Arthur Rank,
Who we'd all like to thank
For kindly not coming along.
07 Dec 1991
Consuming too much herbal tea
Can cause havoc when having a pee.
When out on the razzle
You tend to pass Basil,
And last night, old Basil passed me.
07 Dec 1991
When alone with a cup of Darjeeling,
I observed that the brew was congealing.
It set like meringue,
And went off with a bang!
And I found myself stuck to the ceiling!.
07 Dec 1991
Whilst eating a piece of Lymeswold,
I suddenly felt very old.
The cheese was quite rancid
And not to be fancied,
But nor's Barbara Cartland, I'm told.
02 Apr 1983
Whilst eating a piece of Gruyere,
I found I was losing my hair.
In a panic, I called
"Oh my God, I've gone bald!",
But then so's Barbara Cartland - Unfair!
02 Apr 1983
Whilst eating a nice piece of Cheddar,
I found I was turning much redder.
So I took a cold shower
For the best part of an hour,
With old Barbara Cartland in Jedda.
02 Apr 1983
Whilst eating a ripe Gorgonzola,
I got a piece stuck in my molar.
So I took a tooth pick
And was violently sick,
Into Barbara Cartland's pianola.
02 Apr 1983
A Welshman who ate some Caerphilly
Said: "I love Wales because it's so hilly.
The girls in the valley
Are ever so pally.
They shout: 'Show us your...' don't be so silly."
Oxford
27 Jun 1992
A Frenchman who ate too much Brie
Shrugged his shoulders and said: "C'est la vie!
That's enough of that stuff
'Cos an oeuf is an oeuf.
I shall 'ave one on toast for my tea."
Oxford
27 Jun 1992
An Italian who loved Parmesan
Broke wind in the back of his van.
With an ear-splitting roar
It blew off the door,
So it's arrivederci Milan.
Oxford
27 Jun 1992
A Greek who could only eat Feta
Once crept up behind Henrietta.
He bowed very low
And shouted: "Hello!"
Then shoved his head right up her sweater.
Oxford
27 Jun 1992
One lunchtime while quaffing some ale,
George Bush's heart started to fail.
And things got much worse
When a well meaning nurse
Said: "Don't worry, I've sent for Dan Quayle."
19 Oct 1991
After tasting a bottle of wine,
The Pope shouted: "Your place or mine?"
I said: "I'll give you a call."
So he wrote on the wall
His phone number: VAT 69.
19 Oct 1991
The medicinal power of brandy
Is vouchsafed for, so keep some of it handy.
It's wondrous effect
Kept Churchill erect,
But at the same time did sod all for Gandhi!
19 Oct 1991
After drinking large measures of port,
You may well find that you've been caught short,
And you're miles from the Gents -
Well, it seems to make sense -
Shove the cork up your arse - just a thought!
19 Oct 1991
The best way to eat avocado
Is underneath Miss Brigitte Bardot.
Well, it was in the forties,
When I practised my naughties
With the help of old Doctor Barnardo.
Oxford
18 Jun 1994
One Christmas I lost my satsuma.
No, not there! There's no truth in the rumour.
No, not under my hat,
Up my trousers, you prat!
My God, have you no sense of humour?
Oxford
18 Jun 1994
After eating a large bowl of prunes
I put on a tape of The Goons.
I suddenly laughed,
There's a fearsome noise aft,
Oh! Bang go my blue pantaloons!
Oxford
18 Jun 1994
While squeezing the juice from a lime
I found I was stuck for a rhyme.
My first thought was: "Orange",
And then I thought: "Pint",
Good God, is that really the time?
Oxford
18 Jun 1994
Last night I had curry for dinner
At the Taj Mahal Palace, in Pinner.
I cried: "Waiter! Hey you!
There's a mess in the loo!"
He replied: "No sir, that's Michael Winner."
Unknown
One evening while eating a curry,
I had to get out in a hurry.
The waiter said: "Hey!
You've forgotten to pay,"
But by then I was half way to Surrey.
Westminster Theatre
22 Dec 1990
One evening while eating Chinese,
I spilt sweet and sour on my knees.
My trousers exploded,
My socks were corroded,
I went home in a pair of lychees.
Westminster Theatre
22 Dec 1990
One evening while eating jugged hare,
I suddenly spied Lionel Blair.
He stood on one leg,
And ate a boiled egg,
Which showed quite exceptional flair.
Westminster Theatre
22 Dec 1990
One evening while eating tandoori
I was seized by a raven-haired houri.
I gave such a start,
My zip burst apart -
At least that's my defence to the jury.
Westminster Theatre
22 Dec 1990
The medicinal power of brandy
Is vouchsafed for, so keep some of it handy.
It's wondrous effect
Kept Churchill erect,
But at the same time did sod all for Gandhi!
ISIHAC 3, Side 4
The best way to eat avocado
Is underneath Miss Brigitte Bardot.
Well, it was in the forties,
When I practised my naughties
With the help of old Doctor Barnardo.
ISIHAC 2, Side 1
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Detective Limericks

That remarkable sleuth Hercule Poirot
Was attacked by an over-sexed marrow.
He said: "I've got your number
You saucy cucumber!
I'll see you the same time tomorrow!"
Windsor
04 Jun 1994
"Here's a strange case!", said Watson to Holmes.
"Outside there are two garden gnomes.
One's lost his wee rod,
And the other poor sod
Has been sat on by Nicholas Soames!"
Windsor
04 Jun 1994
The thing about Inspector Morse
Is that now he is right back on course.
In Provençe for a year
He's revived his career
As the back of a pantomime horse.
Windsor
04 Jun 1994
Did you hear about old Van der Valk?
He powders his bottom with talc.
When they asked him: "What for?"
He said: "My bum's red raw.
You can tell by the way that I walk."
Windsor
04 Jun 1994
Did you hear about old Van der Valk?
He powders his bottom with talc.
When they asked him: "What for?"
He said: "My bum's red raw.
You can tell by the way that I walk."
ISIHAC 2, Side 1
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Dictator Limericks

At lunch with Attila the Hun
I ordered a roast corn-fed nun.
He said: "We do have some monks
Served on pineapple chunks."
I said: "All right" and he gave me one.
Hackney
18 Nov 1995
At the seaside I saw Mussolini
Struggle into a tight brown bikini.
I said: "Hold hard, Benito,
This must spell finito
Now I've seen where you keep your Zuccini."
Hackney
18 Nov 1995
My anorak was Idi Amin's.
My corset was H.M. The Queen's.
My large wonderbra
Once belonged to the Shah,
And these are Roy Hattersley's jeans.
Hackney
18 Nov 1995
A weakness of Vlad the Impaler
Was to shout out at men: "Hello Sailor!"
In far Transylvania
He'd indulge in his mania,
And dress up as Elizabeth Taylor.
Hackney
18 Nov 1995
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Explorer Limericks

While exploring with Captain James Cook
He gave me an old-fashioned look.
He said: "Hello Sailor!
Tell me, who's your tailor?
It must be that nice man, Tim Brooke-".
Brighton (d?)
03 Jun 1995
A habit of Vasco da Gama's
Was to tear off the first mate's pyjamas.
Then he'd wave them about
And give a great shout:
"I wish you were here, Judith Chalmers!"
Brighton (d?)
03 Jun 1995
The odd thing about Cecil Rhodes
Was his fondness for natterjack toads.
He'd eat them alive,
Sometimes three, four or five!
Hence his need for enormous commodes.
Brighton (d?)
03 Jun 1995
When out sailing with Sir Francis Drake
We discovered Veronica Lake.
We climbed Peggy Mount
(Jimmy Hill doesn't count).
Scaling Cliff was a dreadful mistake.
Brighton (d?)
03 Jun 1995
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Geographical Limericks

A porter from Gonville & Caius
Grew potatoes on both of his knees.
On the end of his nose
Grew a rare kind of rose,
But you'll never guess where he grew these!
Cambridge
14 Dec 1996
While out with a couple of Blues
I didn't know which one to choose.
The one with the squint,
Or the one with the splint?
I had both, I've got nothing to lose.
Cambridge
14 Dec 1996
While out on the Cam in a punt,
I saw Reverend Spooner in front.
He said: "What a day gay!"
And: "Anchors aweigh!"
And: "Make way for my podding sunt!"
Cambridge
14 Dec 1996
If you're studying Natural Science
I suggest that you wear this appliance.
You strap it on thus,
Then just hop on a bus,
And you'll find you get masses of clients.
Cambridge
14 Dec 1996
In Bath they've remarkable buns.
I was told this by several youngs nuns.
You take a quick bite,
And you're up half the night
With a terrible case of the runs!
Bath
14 Jun 1997
In Aylesbury they have this strange duck.
If you meet it, you're way out of luck.
It's about six feet tall
And has no teeth at all,
But it gives you a terrible suck!
Bath
14 Jun 1997
In Epsom I drank some strange salt.
I admit, it was all my own fault.
Filled my glass to the brim,
Then nipped down to the gym.
My mistake was attempting a vault.
Bath
14 Jun 1997
I once spent a weekend in Hove
With a most unattractive old cove.
He took out his teeth,
And said "I'm Edward Heath!"
But he wasn't - his Y-fronts were mauve.
Brighton
29 Jun 1991
I once spent a weekend in Penge.
I had bicycled down from Stonehenge.
I drank eight pints of fluid
With a friendly old druid,
Then Montezuma took his revenge...
Brighton
29 Jun 1991
I once spent a weekend in Rhyl -
I'd gone there in search of a thrill.
We passed through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch,
Which gave me a shock...
I thought Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch was in Brazil.
Brighton
29 Jun 1991
I once spent a weekend in Brighton
With the legendary Miss Enid Blyton.
She said: "You be Noddy
And I'll show you my body,"
But Big Ears kept turning the light on.
Brighton
29 Jun 1991
There was a young fellow from Ongar
Whose main joy in life is the Conga.
He's been dancing to date
Since 1908,
I don't think he'll be doing it much longer.
19 Sep 1981
There's a café in old Milton Keynes,
Where the waiter wears very tight jeans.
With an awfully large bulge
Which, when asked, he'll divulge
Is in fact seven tins of baked beans.
05 Oct 1987
A warped taxidermist from Stoke,
Was stuffing a pig in a poke.
Said the porker: "Hey Fred!
I'm very far from dead.
Is this your idea of a joke?"
06 Sep 1986
At a party near Jodrell Bank
I've forgotten how much we all drank.
The snag with an orgy,
As I said to Boy Georgie,
Is when you leave you don't know who to thank.
11 Mar 1989
While streaking through Buckingham Palace,
Prince Charles, with an absence of malice
Enquired of a plant:
"Have you seen my fat Aunt?"
"Yes, she's out playing South Fork in Dallas?"
03 Feb 1990
There's a lady I knew in Calcutta,
Who spoke with a very slight stutter.
Her impediment
Was delightful, it lent
Such charm when she'd utter "B-butter."
Unknown
The pleasures of old Singapore
Are seductive - you cry out for more.
There's massages and rubs
And dubious clubs
With unspeakable things on the floor.
Unknown
How well I remember Hong Kong,
It reminds me of that old sweet song
That I heard in a disco
About San Francisco
Hang on - I think I've got that wrong.
Unknown
Don't forget, when you visit Bangkok
The ex-pats are a bit of a shock.
If they've no watch or clock
On your door they will knock
And shout: "Got the time on ya cock?"
Unknown
While washing my smalls in Bangkok
Where you bash them quite hard on a rock.
By the banks of a creek
I let out a shriek
When I missed them and mangled my...sock.
18 Feb 1989
There was a young girl from Sri Lanka,
Who had an affair with a banker.
She gave him her all,
He made a withdrawal,
And didn't even bother to thank her.
08 May 1982
A Portuguese goer from Chile,
Once met a young hooker named Willie.
He started to hug her,
She said: "Let's play rugger."
Half time score: Chile-Three, Willie-Nillie.
02 Jun 1984
A belly dancer hot from Jakarta,
Went back to her old Alma Mater.
She kept the school waiting,
To see her gyrating
'Til somebody pressed her self-starter.
06 Jul 1985
A young man from near Milton Keynes,
Was into some strange kinky scenes.
He'd stand on his head,
Take a French loaf of bread...
I think we all know what that means!
29 Aug 1981
There was a young lady from Penge,
Who had a day out with some frenge.
She was given some fluid,
By a randy old druid,
And now she's the toast of Stonehenge!!
29 Aug 1981
There was a young man from Devizes
Who falls, & occasionally rises.
He said "It's my fault.
I am such a dolt.
My legs are of different sizes!"
25 Apr 1972
There once was a woman from Poole
Who thought she was frightfully cool.
She went for a walk.
She tripped on a cork,
And said: "Oh dear, I feel such a fool!"
25 Apr 1972
There was a stout person from Brum,
Who lost twenty pounds off her tum.
When people said "Great!",
She replied: "Just you wait,
'Til you see what I've lost from my...thumb"
04 Jul 1972
I once had a blind date with Cilla.
I took her to watch Aston Villa.
She sang to the crowd,
And she sang very loud
And that's why they threatened to kill her.
Liverpool
16 Nov 1996
I once had a trial with Bill Shankly -
At the end he just looked at me blankly.
Said: "You're no Roger Hunt,
In fact, I'll be blunt,
You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!"
Liverpool
16 Nov 1996
We went to a show with Ken Dodd.
The usherette said: "Oh my God!
He'll go on for years,
And he's bound to sing Tears.
When he finishes, give us a prod!"
Liverpool
16 Nov 1996
Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar,
He paid with some cash from a jar.
He said: "See, I saved this!"
So I gave him a kiss,
And he tipped himself over the bar.
Liverpool
16 Nov 1996
While out on the banks of Loch Ness
I was startled to see Rudolph Hess.
He shouted: "Who's won?"
The ignorant hun.
I said: "You did, in the end, more or less."
Edinburgh
13 Nov 1993
The thing about wearing a kilt
Is it tends to reveal how you're built.
But should you chance your arm,
It has an alarm,
And your sporran lights up and says: "Tilt!"
Edinburgh
13 Nov 1993
One night I was roused by the pipes
Being played by a band of strange types.
They then tossed a caber,
And shouted: "Vote Labour!"
My sporran lit up and said: "Cripes!"
Edinburgh
13 Nov 1993
There's a small breed of dog, called a Scottie,
Who's house-trained and sits on a potty.
He gives a loud yap,
That mischievious chap,
Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie.
Edinburgh
13 Nov 1993
There was a young man from Arbroath
Who was constantly plighting his troth.
To girls local and foreign
He'd lift up his sporran,
Then hang upside down like a sloth.
18 May 1985
A boozer who lived in Dundee,
Decided to go on a spree.
He visited pubs,
Where he drank out of tubs,
Until it was time for his tea.
04 Jul 1972
In Dundee they've this special wee cake
That's made out of haddock and hake
With a bit of dressed crab,
And a flounder or dab.
By jings, what a mess when you wake!
Bath
14 Jun 1997
There was a young man from Strathspey
Who said: "I don't think that I'm gay.
I'm quite neat and tidy,
But first thing on Friday
I'm tossing the caber away"
24 Aug 1987
A porter from Gonville & Caius
Grew potatoes on both of his knees.
On the end of his nose
Grew a rare kind of rose,
But you'll never guess where he grew these!
Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
While out with a couple of Blues
I didn't know which one to choose.
The one with the squint,
Or the one with the splint?
I had both, I've got nothing to lose.
Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Jun 1998
While out on the Cam in a punt,
I saw Reverend Spooner in front.
He said: "What a day gay!"
And: "Anchors aweigh!"
And: "Make way for my podding sunt!"
Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
If you're studying Natural Science
I suggest that you wear this appliance.
You strap it on thus,
Then just hop on a bus,
And you'll find you get masses of clients.
Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?)
06 Apr 1998
A porter from Gonville & Caius
Grew potatoes on both of his knees.
On the end of his nose
Grew a rare kind of rose,
But you'll never guess where he grew these!
ISIHAC 4, Side 4
While out with a couple of Blues
I didn't know which one to choose.
The one with the squint,
Or the one with the splint?
I had both, I've got nothing to lose.
ISIHAC 4, Side 4
While out on the Cam in a punt,
I saw Reverend Spooner in front.
He said: "What a day gay!"
And: "Anchors aweigh!"
And: "Make way for my podding sunt!"
ISIHAC 4, Side 4
If you're studying Natural Science
I suggest that you wear this appliance.
You strap it on thus,
Then just hop on a bus,
And you'll find you get masses of clients.
ISIHAC 4, Side 4
I once had a blind date with Cilla.
I took her to watch Aston Villa.
She sang to the crowd,
And she sang very loud
And that's why they threatened to kill her.
ISIHAC 4, Side 3
I once had a trial with Bill Shankly -
At the end he just looked at me blankly.
Said: "You're no Roger Hunt,
In fact, I'll be blunt,
You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!"
ISIHAC 4, Side 3
Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar,
He paid with some cash from a jar.
He said: "See, I saved this!"
So I gave him a kiss,
And he tipped himself over the bar.
ISIHAC 4, Side 3
While out on the banks of Loch Ness
I was startled to see Rudolph Hess.
He shouted: "Who's won?"
The ignorant hun.
I said: "You did, in the end, more or less."
ISIHAC 2, Side 3
The thing about wearing a kilt
Is it tends to reveal how you're built.
But should you chance your arm,
It has an alarm,
And your sporran lights up and says: "Tilt!"
ISIHAC 2, Side 3
One night I was roused by the pipes
Being played by a band of strange types.
They then tossed a caber,
And shouted: "Vote Labour!"
My sporran lit up and said: "Cripes!"
ISIHAC 2, Side 3
There's a small breed of dog, called a Scottie,
Who's house-trained and sits on a potty.
He gives a loud yap,
That mischievious chap,
Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie.
ISIHAC 2, Side 3
There was a young lady from Surrey,
Who ate all her meals in a hurry.
She liked her food tinned,
And so she got wind,
And a raspberry from Edwina Currie.
05 Oct 1987
I once had a blind date with Cilla.
I took her to watch Aston Villa.
She sang to the crowd,
And she sang very loud
And that's why they threatened to kill her.
Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
I once had a trial with Bill Shankly -
At the end he just looked at me blankly.
Said: "You're no Roger Hunt,
In fact, I'll be blunt,
You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!"
Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
We went to a show with Ken Dodd.
The usherette said: "Oh my God!
He'll go on for years,
And he's bound to sing Tears.
When he finishes, give us a prod!"
Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar,
He paid with some cash from a jar.
He said: "See, I saved this!"
So I gave him a kiss,
And he tipped himself over the bar.
Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
At a party near Jodrell Bank
I've forgotten how much we all drank.
The snag with an orgy,
As I said to Boy Georgie,
Is when you leave you don't know who to thank.
29 Jan 1990
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Gods & Goddesses etc. Limericks

Ithe woods once, I thought I saw Pan,
A strange creature - half goat and half man.
His father was Billy
His mother was silly
They met on Blind Date in Japan.
Harrogate
02 Dec 1995
That mythical creature the Sphinx
Is smarter than anyone thinks.
He sits there and smirks
And you don't think it works,
Then when you're not looking, it winks.
Harrogate
02 Dec 1995
When out clubbing with Helen of Troy
She suggested this interesting ploy:
She said: "Make a big horse
Out of plywood, of course
And stick it together with Gloy."
Harrogate
02 Dec 1995
There's a rumour that Oedipus Rex
Had a terrible Mother Complex.
His poor mum, Jocasta
Was a walking disaster,
But at least she took traveller's cheques.
Harrogate
02 Dec 1995
An old Greek called Oedipus Rex
Decided that he would change sex.
He was charged twenty drachmas,
For removing his nachmas.
Thank God they take traveller's cheques!
Unknown
30 May 1992
" By jove!" said the young man from Sparta
With a mouthful or taramasalata.
I've been charged twenty drachmas,
For a large plate of nachmas.
So much for the Citizen's Charter.
Unknown
30 May 1992
At a party with Pallas Athene,
I bumped into Frederico Fellini.
He showed me his 8½,
And said "If it don't make you laugh,
Just wait till you see Mussolini"
Unknown
30 May 1992
A remarkable habit of Zeus's
Was to bathe in tropical juices.
He committed a felony,
With an over-ripe melon, he
Subjected to disgusting abuses.
Unknown
30 May 1992
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Limericks

I'm sorry, I haven't a clue
So tell me just what would you do.
We haven't much time,
So answer in mime...
Oh I see, very well, same to you.
05 Oct 1987
There was a droll fellow called Cryer,
Who set his best trousers on fire.
As the flames reached his crutch,
Which he didn't like much,
His voice grew higher and higher.
29 Aug 1981
A brilliant young chairman called Humph,
Who was always surrounded by bumph,
Kicked his legs in the air,
Ran a comb through his hair -
Which for him was a major triumph.
29 Aug 1981
The teams are renowned for their wit,
They're convinced that the show is a hit.
They say: "Week after week
We hit a new peak!"
But the audience know that it's...rubbish.
Unknown
There is an old man of Hatch End,
Old watches and clocks he will mend.
He paints them bright red,
Then he takes them to bed;
It's driving his wife round the bend!
Unknown
When they raised the Titanic they found
That the band had survived and not drowned.
They hadn't gone far,
They were still in the bar,
And that is why Humph's still around.
18 Feb 1989
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Literary Limericks

The best way to read Conan Doyle
Is sitting astride Katie Boyle.
When she cries: "PTO!"
That's the moment to go.
There are some things from which I recoil.
Bury St Edmunds
27 Nov 1993
While pretending to read some Voltaire,
Strange noises emerged from my chair.
Then George Bernard Shaw
Said: "I'll open the door",
Thank God for a breath of fresh air!
Bury St Edmunds
27 Nov 1993
While tucked up in bed with a Proust,
I was suddenly violently goosed.
When I turned around,
To my horror I found
Barbara Cartland with corsets unloosed.
Bury St Edmunds
27 Nov 1993
There's a lady who reads Mills & Boon
By the light of the silvery moon.
She loves all the stories,
And votes for the Tories,
They'll be coming to get her quite soon.
Bury St Edmunds
27 Nov 1993
At a party with author Charles Dickens,
Lana Turner, Lord Reith and Slim Pickens.
Slim sat pickin' his nose,
Lord Reith doffed his clothes,
And Lana did tricks with some chickens.
Buxton
21 Nov 1992
The prime of Ms. Muriel Spark
Was in Brighton one night in the dark.
She met Graham Greene,
They did something obscene,
And next year they're going to Sark.
Buxton
21 Nov 1992
"Having children," said Evelyn Waugh,
"Is really a bit of a bore.
We wanted a few
But when Auberon was two
We said: 'Oh let's not have any more'."
Buxton
21 Nov 1992
When you curl up in bed with a Trollope,
Fish and chips, mushy peas and a scallop,
With a nice cup of tea,
And the news on TV,
That's a wild night in old Nether Wallop.
Buxton
21 Nov 1992
As I reached for my copy of Chaucer
I awkwardly fell on a saucer.
I started to swoon,
When I noticed the spoon...
At this point, the story gets coarser.
Canterbury
12 Jul 1997
In the pub with this old Wife of Bath,
She sat herself down by the hearth.
She lifted her skirt,
Said: "Don't think me a flirt,
It's a terribly well-trodden path."
Canterbury
12 Jul 1997
I've met this unusual monk
Dressed up as a pineapple chunk.
He lifts up his habit,
Invites you to grab it,
And then the wee tease does a bunk.
Canterbury
12 Jul 1997
While out with a Doctor of Physick,
He slipped me a strong analgesic.
I fell to the ground,
When I woke up I found
I was chained to a lamp-post in Chiswick.
Canterbury
12 Jul 1997
That potty old monarch King Lear
Was a martyr to chronic diarrhoea.
He'd sit on his throne,
Emit a loud groan,
And nobody else would go near.
Stratford-Upon- Avon
09 Dec 1995
That warrior Coriolanus
Did several things that were heinous.
He tortured the cat,
Set fire to my hat,
And now he's been sick in my trainers.
Stratford-Upon- Avon
09 Dec 1995
That jealous old soldier Othello
Let out a stentorian bellow.
He fell on his sword,
And shouted: "Oh Gawd!,
That's the last time that I'll play the cello!"
Stratford-Upon- Avon
09 Dec 1995
At an orgy, old Julius Caesar,
Met a virgin and tried hard to please her.
She said: "My name is Mimi,
Are you pleased to see me?
Or is that the Tower of Pisa?"
Stratford-Upon- Avon
09 Dec 1995
A romantic named Percy Bysshe Shelley
Said this of Liza Minelli:
"While one of her breasts
Is admired by my guests,
The other one looks like George Melly."
Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
"I'm depressed," said the Laureate Ted Hughes.
"Forty years on the throne, where's the muse?"
Then inspired, he wrote
Of a three-legged stoat
Disembowelling dead kangaroos.
Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
An exciting young poet named Keats
Was renowned for his dare-devil feats.
He'd dance and he'd sing,
Then belch God Save The King.
He was very well paid for repeats.
Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
At a seance with W.B.Yeats
He'd asked along several blind dates.
The table was rising,
It's hardly surprising,
He'd cracked open a packet of Mates.
Paris Theatre, London
05 Dec 1992
As I reached for my copy of Chaucer
I awkwardly fell on a saucer.
I started to swoon,
When I noticed the spoon...
At this point, the story gets coarser.
ISIHAC 5, Side 1
In the pub with this old Wife of Bath,
She sat herself down by the hearth.
She lifted her skirt,
Said: "Don't think me a flirt,
It's a terribly well-trodden path."
ISIHAC 5, Side 1
I've met this unusual monk
Dressed up as a pineapple chunk.
He lifts up his habit,
Invites you to grab it,
And then the wee tease does a bunk.
ISIHAC 5, Side 1
While out with a Doctor of Physick,
He slipped me a strong analgesic.
I fell to the ground,
When I woke up I found
I was chained to a lamp-post in Chiswick.
ISIHAC 5, Side 1
That potty old monarch King Lear
Was a martyr to chronic diarrhoea.
He'd sit on his throne,
Emit a loud groan,
And nobody else would go near.
ISIHAC 3, Side 1
That warrior Coriolanus
Did several things that were heinous.
He tortured the cat,
Set fire to my hat,
And now he's been sick in my trainers.
ISIHAC 3, Side 1
That jealous old soldier Othello
Let out a stentorian bellow.
He fell on his sword,
And shouted: "Oh Gawd!,
That's the last time that I'll play the cello!"
ISIHAC 3, Side 1
At an orgy, old Julius Caesar,
Met a virgin and tried hard to please her.
She said: "My name is Mimi,
Are you pleased to see me?
Or is that the Tower of Pisa?"
ISIHAC 3, Side 1
That potty old monarch King Lear
Was a martyr to chronic diarrhoea.
He'd sit on his throne,
Emit a loud groan,
And nobody else would go near.
Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
That warrior Coriolanus
Did several things that were heinous.
He tortured the cat,
Set fire to my hat,
And now he's been sick in my trainers.
Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
That jealous old soldier Othello
Let out a stentorian bellow.
He fell on his sword,
And shouted: "Oh Gawd!,
That's the last time that I'll play the cello!"
Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
At an orgy, old Julius Caesar,
Met a virgin and tried hard to please her.
She said: "My name is Mimi,
Are you pleased to see me?
Or is that the Tower of Pisa?"
Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Miscellaneous Limericks

While seated one day at the bidet,
My thoughts drifted right back to D-Day.
On Omaha beach
I enquired of this peach:
"How about it?". She said: "Quelle bonne idée."
18 Feb 1989
The trouble with smoking in bed
Is you find you set fire to your head.
You go bald as a coot
And you're covered with soot.
"You're a prat," the fire officer said.
03 Mar 1990
I was courting a girl from the North
Who in the sack...race had come fourth.
She had a slight lisp
But her diction was crisp
When she said: "Get your hand out my drawth!"
06 Jul 1991
I was courting a girl from the South
Who had a most kissable mouth.
But my friend from the North
Said: "You realithe of courthe
She'th built like the thide of a houthe."
06 Jul 1991
I was courting a girl from the East
Who was Ipswich's first woman priest.
She was tall, blond and lissom
And loved exorcism.
Dial 666 and ask for the beast.
06 Jul 1991
I was courting a girl from the West
Who had a tattoo on her chest.
'Twas a portrait of Gazza
And each one who has her
Says: "Blimey, love, pull down your vest!"
06 Jul 1991
The train driver told his young stoker:
"It's time for a game of strip poker.
It's a grand thing to do
As you're speeding through Crewe,
And when Elsie gets on, we'll de-coke her."
18 May 1985
Whilst probing my nose with a poker
To the strains of the old Kari-oka,
I lit up a fag
Who hit me with his bag
Crying: "Excuse me, this is a non-smoker!"
03 Feb 1990
As she swallowed her fifth jellied eel,
She said: "I know just how Linda Lovelace must feel!"
But the sixth eel was limp,
So she swallowed a shrimp.
Now she stars in prawn movies in Deal.
06 Jul 1985
An alternative Coco the Clown
Pulled his trousers up rather than down.
His nose was bright green,
And mildly obscene;
You should see where he's painted his frown.
06 Jul 1985
A Roman roué called Silenis
Had a dirty great passion for Venus.
He switched on Sky TV,
And what did he see?
Derek Jameson saying "Do they mean us?"
03 Feb 1990
I once saw a crime that was heinous -
The first act of Coriolanus!
Some mischievous joker,
Picked up a hot poker,
Which really did not entertain us.
08 May 1982
Haley's Comet came spiralling down,
And landed on top of George Brown.
He burst into flames,
Shouted several rude names,
And now he's the toast of the town.
19 Sep 1981
There was a young Duchess called Fergie
Who went down with a touch of the lurgie.
When Andrew came home,
He slipped her a bone
Which his Mother had meant for a curgi.
06 Sep 1986
A lion with a surgical truss
Said: "I don't want to make any fuss
But that damn unicorn
Keeps on showing me soft porn.
It's not a thing that I care to discuss."
06 Sep 1986
As they banged in the bed of hard nails,
"Woohoo!" said the Princess of Wales.
She blew him a kiss,
Said: "We've never done this
In top hat, and white tie, and tails!"
06 Sep 1986
As they banged in the bed of hard nails,
"Woohoo!" said the Princess of Wales.
She blew him a kiss,
Said: "We've never done this
In top hat, and white tie, and tails!"
ISIHAC 3, Side 4
If you're hoping to travel by train,
Then you're totally out of your brain.
You'll be squashed in the rush,
The compartment's a crush,
And you're wedged next to Robbie Coltrane.
30 Nov 1991
In London if travelling by car,
Chances are, you wont get very far.
It's deeply unpleasant,
Ah - Mornington Crescent!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
30 Nov 1991
When travelling in Holland by bike,
Something happened that I didn't like.
I had a mishap
When I hit a Dutch Cap
And my finger got stuck in a dyke.
30 Nov 1991
When deciding to travel by plane
You'll find it a hell of a strain.
The leg room's too small,
There's no room at all,
And you're wedged next to Robbie again!
30 Nov 1991
There was an old man with a stutter
Who massaged his larynx with...margarine.
He oiled hs false teeth,
And to his relief,
He found he could talk so much butter.
(d?)
20 Jun 1972
There was a young fellow from Troon
Who sat down one day on a spoon.
He said "That's so nice,
But I won't do it twice,
And never again is too soon."
(d?)
20 Jun 1972
There once was a tractor called Bert
Who pulled a cart over the dirt.
He went over some furrows,
And twelve rabbit burrows,
And said "Oh! Cor blimey! That hurt!"
(d?)
20 Jun 1972
There was a young lady so coy
That she'd never been out with a boy.
So she hid in a sack,
And lay on her back:
A most unsatisfactory ploy.
(d?)
20 Jun 1972
There was a young girl called Bianca
Who said as she sipped Fernet Branca:
"I'm thoroughly sick,
So I'm leaving you Mick."
And he didn't know quite how to thank her.
03 Sep 1979
There is a young lad called Rod Stewart.
Just give him a song, and he'll screw it.
He sings through his sporran,
While pulling anything foreign.
It's a damn good trick if you can do it!
03 Sep 1979
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Mrs. Trellis of North Wales' Limericks

There was a young lady from Slough,
Who last year developed a cough,
She wasn't to know,
It would last until now,
Let's hope the poor girl will pull through.
Birmingham
04 Jan 1999
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Musical Limericks

In Tesco's with Earth, Wind and Fire,
Mr Wind assaulted a buyer.
Mr Fire then hit Earth,
Who promptly gave birth.
"Tesco's, News at Ten, Barry Cryer."
Watford
17 Jun 1995
My hamster is called Otis Redding.
My goldfish is Joan Armatrading.
My dogs are The Platters -
Not that that matters.
No, we're all up to here with the wedding.
Watford
17 Jun 1995
The artist formerly known as Prince,
On stage he would posture and mince.
Then just for a giggle
Changed his name to a squiggle,
And nobody's heard of him since.
Watford
17 Jun 1995
When it snows you will find Sister Sledge
Out mooning at night on the ledge.
One storey down
Is the maestro, James Brown,
Displaying his meat and two veg.
Watford
17 Jun 1995
In the middle of singing a hymn,
I was jostled by old Francis Pym.
He tripped over a hassock,
Looked right up my cassock
And exclaimed: "Goodness me! Hello Tim!"
17 Nov 1990
In the middle of singing a psalm,
Michael Heseltine turned on the charm.
He shook his wild locks,
Removed both his socks
Which set off the fire alarm.
17 Nov 1990
In the middle of singing an anthem
The archbishop lisped: "My, you're 'anthome."
At which Norman Lamont
Toppled into the font.
He was pushed by that old bitch from Grantham!
17 Nov 1990
In the middle of singing a carol,
Geoffrey Howe cried: "Your turn in the barrel!"
"That's a bit of a bummer!"
Said John Selwyn Gummer
As Cecil whipped off his apparel.
17 Nov 1990
A man with a gift for the fiddle
Liked his steaks very rare on the griddle.
He played tunes multifarious
On his fine old Guanarious,
Which had A present from Rhyl in the middle.
02 Nov 1991
While playing some scales on the flute,
I noticed strange stains on my suit.
Am I losing my bottle?
I'm covered in dottle!
Does James Galway get this in mid toot?
02 Nov 1991
While learning to play the bassoon,
In a bordello in downtown Rangoon,
My reputation for blowing
Got all the girls going,
Oh these Burmese girls love a good tune.
02 Nov 1991
At the sound of a lone clarinet,
I shouted: "Stand back, I'm a vet!"
Picture Acker's alarm
As I thrust in my arm.
Oh God, I still drink to forget!
02 Nov 1991
I've an enormous collection of Strauss;
The Blue Danube runs through my house.
Johann himself
I have stuffed on a shelf
By my inflatable Sir Stanley Rous.
26 Oct 1991
One evening while listening to Brahms,
The vicar's wife leapt in my arms.
In the ensuing melee,
They danced on my belly
And set off the fire alarms.
26 Oct 1991
A little-known fact about Liszt
That listeners may well have missed:
He played ludo and lotto
While partially blotto,
But he had to be pissed to play whist.
26 Oct 1991
When Johann Sebastian Bach
Was asked what he did after dark,
He said: "I compose a Te Deum,
And perhaps a Requiem
Then I pop out and flash in the park."
26 Oct 1991
I've never been one for Peer Gynt,
The mere mention, my face turns to flint.
The reasons are legion -
Number one - he's Norwegian,
Number two - he pissed off with my bint.
Unknown
If like me you can't stand La Boheme
(I was right, I can hear bubbling phlegm)
Then you'll doubtless concur
There's something odd about her.
Still, I've heard Figaro's one of them.
Unknown
There are people addicted to Tosca
Well, there's Nigel and Clifford and Oscar
And a cheeful old sport
Who sent in this report
"John Cole, Bay Bay Seer, Moddogoscar."
Unknown
The first time I saw Wagner's Ring
How I prayed the fat lady would sing.
This would mean it was over,
I could go home to Rover
Oh the Ring is a terrible thing.
Unknown
There is a young lad called Rod Stewart
Just give him a song and he'll screw it.
He sings through his sporran,
Pulls anything foreign,
A damn good trick if you can do it.
Unknown
Michael Jackson's a bit of a card -
Every bit of himself he'll discard.
He's rebuilt his face
From all over the place,
Now his buttocks are terribly scarred.
19 Oct 1987
Barry Manilow's rather a freak,
Some say he's well passed his peak.
On one of his shows
He unblocked his nose -
I heard it on Pick Of The Week.
19 Oct 1987
As Humph licked the marge off his crumpet,
He rubbed vaseline on his trumpet.
He said: "D'ya fancy a blow?"
She said: "Ooh, I don't know..."
He said: "Well, you can like it or lump it!"
Paris Studios, London
09 Aug 1986
In Tesco's with Earth, Wind and Fire,
Mr Wind assaulted a buyer.
Mr Fire then hit Earth,
Who promptly gave birth.
"Tesco's, News at Ten, Barry Cryer."
ISIHAC 3, Side 2
My hamster is called Otis Redding.
My goldfish is Joan Armatrading.
My dogs are The Platters -
Not that that matters.
No, we're all up to here with the wedding.
ISIHAC 3, Side 2
The artist formerly known as Prince,
On stage he would posture and mince.
Then just for a giggle
Changed his name to a squiggle,
And nobody's heard of him since.
ISIHAC 3, Side 2
When it snows you will find Sister Sledge
Out mooning at night on the ledge.
One storey down
Is the maestro, James Brown,
Displaying his meat and two veg.
ISIHAC 3, Side 2
In the middle of singing a hymn,
I was jostled by old Francis Pym.
He tripped over a hassock,
Looked right up my cassock
And exclaimed: "Goodness me! Hello Tim!"
ISIHAC 1, Side 2
In the middle of singing a psalm,
Michael Heseltine turned on the charm.
He shook his wild locks,
Removed both his socks
Which set off the fire alarm.
ISIHAC 1, Side 2
In the middle of singing an anthem
The archbishop lisped: "My, you're 'anthome."
At which Norman Lamont
Toppled into the font.
He was pushed by that old bitch from Grantham!
ISIHAC 1, Side 2
In the middle of singing a carol,
Geoffrey Howe cried: "Your turn in the barrel!"
"That's a bit of a bummer!"
Said John Selwyn Gummer
As Cecil whipped off his apparel.
ISIHAC 1, Side 2
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Philosopher Limericks

That miserable bloke Friedrich Nietzche
Had one most extraordinary feature.
He used it to pester
A fat tart called Esther,
But it luckily didn't quite reach her!
West End
26 Nov 1994
In the pub with St Thomas Aquinas,
I was rapidly struck by his shyness.
When I said: "It's your shout,"
He quickly ran out.
Well, that was a bit of a minus.
West End
26 Nov 1994
A habit of René Descartes'
Was to eat very large baked bean tarts.
He became quite a cult,
With the melodious result
That is now number eight in the charts.
West End
26 Nov 1994
A little known fact about Plato:
He invented the concept of NATO,
The Swiss Army Knife,
The Inflatable Wife
And the Trouserless Jacket Potato.
West End
26 Nov 1994
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
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Plant & Animal Limericks

For a laugh, I dressed up as a bee.
Blame Anthea Turner, not me.
She was dressed as a rose,
But I'm not into those,
So I stung the poor cow on the knee!
Cheltenham
06 Jul 1996
I once had a fully trained moth
Trained, strangely enough, for the cloth.
He did one loop-the-loop
From pulpit to soup.
Garçon, there's a priest in my broth!
Cheltenham
06 Jul 1996
As a child, I was troubled by nits,
Which I caught when we stayed at The Ritz.
We moved to The Savoy,
Where a rogue savaloy
Leapt up and thrilled granny to bits.
Cheltenham
06 Jul 1996
I once had a fully trained moth
Who'd swim like a fish in Scotch Broth.
To end his routine
He'd fart: 'God Save The Queen'.
Has anyone here got a cloth?
24 Aug 1987
I've a cockroach that sings like a thrush.
Its song fills the evening hush.
The sound of its screech
Thrills the parts you can't reach,
And that's quite an adrenalin rush!
Unknown
The stripper's pet Boa Constrictor
Would purr like a cat as he licked her.
He once bit her fan,
Poor innocent man
In the back of an old Vauxhall Victor.
18 May 1985
I once had a date with a ferret
Thus earning the Order of Merit.
For dating a bee,
I got the V.C.
Which my offspring will one day inherit.
03 Mar 1990
I once had a smart-alec gerbil
Who did nothing but mumble and burble.
His one saving grace
Was to sit on my face
And impersonate Ivan the Terbil.
05 Oct 1987
A horny young owl in the zoo
Fell in love with a gay caribou.
He slipped out one night
In search of delight
Saying: "D'you fancy an odd cockatoo?"
Paris Studios, London
09 Aug 1986
I once caught this dreadful old trout
'Cos there wasn't much else, round about.
She was green round the gills.
She'd forgotten her pills,
And that's why she's now up the spout.
Brighton
28 Jun 1997
To avoid getting chased by a shark,
Buy a dogfish and teach it to bark.
Then you get it to breed.
To be sure you succeed
Show it pictures of old Alan Clark.
Brighton
28 Jun 1997
Sometimes I dress up like a kipper
In a tight-fitting gown with a zipper.
I do a cartwheel
And I dance with an eel,
Then I go out to dinner with Flipper.
Brighton
28 Jun 1997
I'm not a great fan of the pike.
I once had one I didn't like.
It burst into flames
And called me rude names,
Then it followed me home on a bike.
Brighton
28 Jun 1997
I once had a fully trained moth
Who'd swim like a fish in Scotch Broth.
To end his routine
He'd fart: 'God Save The Queen'.
Has anyone here got a cloth?
ISIHAC 3, Side 4
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Politicical Limericks

There once was a fellow called Tebbit,
Who had this unusual hebit,
He'd jump on his bike,
Then juggle with pike,
And play Hearts of Oak on a rebbit.
08 May 1982
There once was a fellow called Biffin,
Who liked a bit round about tiffin,
He'd have crumpet with cheese,
Then fall to his knees,
And play Hearts of Oak on a griffin.
08 May 1982
Geoffrey Howe's in a bit of a tiz
Since I found some French drawers that were his.
He claims that he's butch;
He protesteth too much:
He says that he isn't; he is!
19 Oct 1987
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Religious Limericks

If you meet the Archbishop of York,
For God's sake, don't offer him pork.
Well, it is sort of true-ish
He's just a bit Jewish.
Rabbi Blue told me - he's one to talk.
23 Nov 1991
An old bishop - late of Bath and Wells,
Used to break up his room in hotels,
Then he'd rip off his gaiters,
Abuse several waiters;
Well he was never one for the gels.
23 Nov 1991
A radical curate from Brent,
Who gave up entirely for Lent;
Simply lay in the aisle
With a faraway smile
And dreamt of the Duchess of Kent.
23 Nov 1991
In a launderette I bumped into the Pope.
He said: "I have given up hope."
He simply lay in the aisle
With a faraway smile,
While we hit him with soap-on-a-rope.
23 Nov 1991
The bishop and I shared a gherkin
As we knocked back the ale by the firkin.
He said: "During confessions
I do farmyard impressions:
Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Well it's better than workin'!"
Paris Studios, London
09 Aug 1986
"Posing naked can often be fun,"
Said the priest, with a wink, to the nun.
She replied: "But I'm chaste,"
He said: "Oh what a waste -
I've seen worse on page three of The Sun."
18 Feb 1989
Hooray for the Venerable Bede
Who frequently scattered his seed.
Twixt alter and pew,
He would seek postures new,
And whenever it rained, cried: "God's peed."
18 May 1985
I like to play leap-frog with vicars,
For it plays merry hell with their tickers.
They utter loud cries,
And then drop like flies
In a heap, like a scrum down at Twickers
03 Mar 1990
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Sport & Hobby Limericks

|In my car with the great Murray Walker
He suddenly let loose a corker!
'Twas the first of a batch
In the pits at Brands Hatch.
He did the same thing in Majorca.
Bath
12 Nov 1994
|A strange fact about Tony Gubba
Is his fondness for eating whale blubber.
He starts off quite slow
And then lets one go,
And folks say: "Do I smell burned rubber?"
Bath
12 Nov 1994
|When the studio guest's Jimmy Hill
The aroma can make you feel ill.
While stroking his chin
He just can't keep it in
The score's Arsenal: PHTHRRRP!!!, Chelsea: Nil.
Bath
12 Nov 1994
|Whenever I see Trevor Brooking
He lets fly when nobody's looking.
It's very discreet -
Starts at his feet.
You can tell he likes Indian cooking!
Bath
12 Nov 1994
|That extraordinary grunting from Seles
Her opponents describe as quite hellish.
The noise she is making
You'd swear she was faking
But it's something the gentlemen relish.
Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
|While serving to Billie Jean King
I suddenly heard a loud "ping!"
To roars of applause
She slipped on new drawers
Which the umpire'd remembered to bring.
Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
|There's a rumour about Yannick Noah:
In the showers, he's a bit of a goer!
He pretends he's an owl,
With the aid of a towel,
Two balls and a pink feather boa.
Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
|On a court with the Swede, Mats Wilander,
I couldn't help taking a gander.
His shorts were so tight,
Oh my word, what a sight!
No wonder his grip's a two-hander!
Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
|One evening while playing at whist
My partner leaned forward and hissed:
"That's your tenth double gin,
You've a vacuous grin,
In a word - ah, you're getting the gist."
13 Jul 1991
|One evening while playing gin rummy,
I ended up feeling a dummy.
It was Linda Lusardi
On coke & bacardi,
With her mouth full, she sounds really quite plummy.
13 Jul 1991
|One evening while playing mah jong
I suddenly burst into song.
My song was inspired
By some lads from a Triad
Doing unmentionable things with a prong.
13 Jul 1991
|One evening while playing canasta
My hostess produced some warm pasta,
Poured it over my head
And jovially said:
"How's that for an albino rasta?"
13 Jul 1991
|One evening at Trivial Pursuit
I got: "Who played the name role in Klute?"
Without pausing to ponder
I called out: "Jane Fonda!"
But it wasn't of course, it was Donald Sutherland.
13 Jul 1991
|The art of the old highland reel
Is to spin round upon your left heel.
Then you waggle your dirk
With a bit of a smirk;
At least those are my grounds for appeal.
Brighton
06 Jun 1992
|At a party when doing the rumba,
Down my trousers I thrust a cucumber.
"My God, what is that?"
Cried a girl in a hat,
So I gave her my telephone number.
Brighton
06 Jun 1992
|When invited to a Morris Dance
I strap on my bells in advance.
"My God, what is that?"
Cried a girl in a hat,
"Another cucumber perchance?"
Brighton
06 Jun 1992
|For those who enjoy a gavotte,
I do, I admit, quite a lot.
Hundreds of nights
Leaping round in my tights,
And it does keep the vegetables hot.
Brighton
06 Jun 1992
|I only once dabbled in croquet
(My psychiatrist gave me the OK)
I spent happy hours
Whacking balls into flowers
Which made an unusual bouquet.
Unknown
|At a championship final in bowls,
The green was invaded by moles.
They dug up the drains,
Colonel Fawcett's remains
And some very old British Rail rolls.
Unknown
|One night when we played table tennis
Overlooking the Grand Canal, Venice,
Cried a stout gondolier:
"Look what I gotta here!"
It was Neil and his lovely wife Glenys.
Unknown
|While out for a game of badminton
I asked the young Pro for a hint on
Care of my shuttlecock.
He said: "One - An old sock
Or Two - Fewer weekends in Frinton."
Unknown
|While playing a tough game of patience
I was savaged by several alsatians.
In quite severe pain
I jumped on a train,
And continually flushed between stations.
Chichester
19 Dec 1992
|At a party we all played strip poker.
I was sat between Cher and Bram Stoker,
When old Brian Clough
Stripped down to the buff,
It was then that Frank Bough played his joker.
Chichester
19 Dec 1992
|When gambling away at pontoon,
I blew up like a barrage balloon.
I grew fatter and fatter -
Particularly the latter;
Well it screwed up the whole afternoon.
Chichester
19 Dec 1992
|While playing a game of bezique
I was jumped on by Zorba the Greek.
He grabbed my bazooki,
Cried: "How's this for nookie?"
And I couldn't sit down for a week.
Chichester
19 Dec 1992
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Television, Radio & Newspaper Limericks

One evening on Crimewatch UK
My heart was quite stolen away,
When Nick Ross confessed
That he'd pinched Sue Cook's vest,
And was exiled to Botany Bay.
London
11 Dec 1993
Last night, I was watching Blind Date
When they brought on a chimp in a crate.
Cilla said: "Who's for you?"
And the chimp said: "You'll do!"
And immediately started to mate.
London
11 Dec 1993
If you find you enjoy Pebble Mill
You're probably mentally ill.
Judy Spiers is no slouch
When it comes to the couch,
So lie back and keep perfectly still.
London
11 Dec 1993
Last week, if you saw Panorama,
It's clear that Ken Clarke is a charmer.
He's fat, and he smokes,
And tells terrible jokes,
Like the one about Huntley and Palmer.
Unknown
While tuned in to BBC1,
I was lying in bed with a nun.
I decided to stop
When a flash bulb went: "Pop!"
I'm now on page three of The Sun.
London (??)
02 Jul 1994
When turning on BBC2
I thought: "They need something brand new.
Something witty and funny,
That doesn't cost money.
Why not Sorry I Haven't A Clue?."
London (??)
02 Jul 1994
If you regularly watch ITV
(Which I gather is on Channel Three),
They have jolly good breaks
With commercials for cakes,
It's the programmes that mystify me.
London (??)
02 Jul 1994
If you happen to watch Channel Four,
Then you must be a bit of a bore.
You can see Richard Whiteley
Not once, but twice nightly.
I don't think I can take any more!
London (??)
02 Jul 1994
On thumbing my way through The Sun
On page three was an old topless nun.
Since Murdoch found God
His behaviour's quite odd
But as he says: "It's all good clean fun."
27 Jul 1991
While reading the Exchange and Mart,
A terrible noise made me start.
But I didn't worry,
It was only Pete Murray -
And with him it's not rude, it's an art.
27 Jul 1991
While leafing my way through The Times
I read the bizarrest of crimes.
It appears in Rangoon
A man sued a baboon.
Not funny, but be fair it rhymes.
27 Jul 1991
I saw in this morning's Express
Princess Di in a transparent dress.
Oh - Is that the Royal Show?
Prince Charles shouted: "No!"
But the man from Del Monte said: "Yes!"
27 Jul 1991
"I like to dress up in a frock,"
Captain Kirk whispered fondly to Spock.
But when beamed up by Scottie
He emerged minus bottie,
And never got over the shock.
03 Mar 1990
At the commons with newsman John Cole,
I enquired if he sang Rock and Roll.
He bridled: "A smidgeon",
As he fondled a pigeon
And said: "Undoubtedly...Belfast...No, so..."
09 Nov 1991
When travelling abroad with Kate Adie,
She told me her background was shady.
She said: "I'm the love child
Of the late Oscar Wilde
And someone called Bosey O'Grady."
09 Nov 1991
Whenever I watch Anna Ford
I sometimes cry out: "Praise the Lord!"
Oh goodness, love hurts
When you're starching your shirts,
And your trousers go stiff as a board.
09 Nov 1991
While out with Sir Alastair Burnett,
I shouted: "Stand back, I'm a vet!"
He'd been attacked by the Greens,
I cried: "Quick nurse, the screens!"
And deftly removed the courgette.
09 Nov 1991
If you go in the kitchen with Delia,
Beware, for she's certain to feel ya.
She'll fondle your rump,
Then carve off a lump,
And the ointment takes ages to heal ya.
Unknown
There was a young girl called Bianca
Who said as she sipped Fernet Branca:
"I'm thoroughly sick
So I'm leaking you, Mick,"
And he didn't know quite how to thank her.
Unknown
I take off my hat to Frank Bough.
It's terribly easy to scoff,
But that man is a whizz,
He certainly is!
Ain't he great! Ain't he grand! Switch him off!
19 Sep 1981
A bouncy page three girl called Sam
Said: "For clothing I give not a damn!"
To be totally bare
She shaved off her hair,
And now she's the King of Siam.
Paris Studios, London
09 Aug 1986
While having a drink with Ken Bruce
I noticed his trousers were loose.
I said: "You need a belt
You unspeakable Celt."
He said: "I've just had twelve on the hoose."
20 Jul 1991
At an orgy with Sir Jimmy Savile
His track suit began to unravel.
He said: "Don't make a fuss"
And fashioned a truss
Out of cement - two parts sand, three parts gravel.
20 Jul 1991
At afternoon tea with John Peel,
I enquired if his accent was real.
He said: "Out of the house
I'm incredibly Scouse,
But at home it depends how I feel."
20 Jul 1991
In a restaurant with veteran Pete Murray,
He demolished a vindaloo curry!
There came a great roar
That rattled the floor
And laid waste vast areas of Surrey.
20 Jul 1991
Let's hear it for old Russell Harty-o,
He's a bit of a lad for a party-o.
You arrive about eight
And you're given a plate
Of chicken and ham and tomat-io
02 Jun 1984
While listening to Radio One,
I decided "This isn't much fun."
Simon Bates played Our Tune,
The unspeakable loon...
I reached for my elephant gun.
Brighton
22 Jun 1991
While listening to Radio Two,
Jimmy Young said: "My wig is askew."
I heard a cat's wail,
Then a hammer and nail,
And a terrible slurping of glue.
Brighton
22 Jun 1991
While listening to Radio Three,
I thought "This just isn't for me."
It was something by Brecht
Which I didn't expect.
So I popped out for a Christopher Lee.
Brighton
22 Jun 1991
While listening to Radio Four,
I suddenly heard Lord Haw-Haw.
He appears every day
To present Down Your Way -
Makes you wonder who did win the war!
Brighton
22 Jun 1991
A radio producer called Perkins
Had a passion for eating raw gherkins.
He'd munch them while dreaming
Of a naked Jan Leeming,
Which played hell with his internal workins'
19 Sep 1981
Whatever became of Jack Slipper?
He caught his best friend in his zipper.
Now it wasn't the pain
That made him complain.
It was changing his first name to Pippa.
24 Aug 1987
When turning on BBC2
I thought: "They need something brand new.
Something witty and funny,
That doesn't cost money.
Why not Sorry I Haven't A Clue?."
ISIHAC 2, Side 1
While reading the Exchange and Mart,
A terrible noise made me start.
But I didn't worry,
It was only Pete Murray -
And with him it's not rude, it's an art.
ISIHAC 3, Side 4
At an orgy with Sir Jimmy Savile
His track suit began to unravel.
He said: "Don't make a fuss"
And fashioned a truss
Out of cement - two parts sand, three parts gravel.
ISIHAC 3, Side 4
In a restaurant with veteran Pete Murray,
He demolished a vindaloo curry!
There came a great roar
That rattled the floor
And laid waste vast areas of Surrey.
ISIHAC 3, Side 4
A sandwich prepared by Pru Leith
Got stuck in the teeth of Ted Heath.
If the overstuffed pig,
Should drop off the twig
Then the lettuce will make a nice wreath.
16 Nov 1991
The technique of the two Brothers Roux
Is: 'Throw everything in the stew'.
They call it: 'Pot Luck'
And you're instantly struck
By memories of Regent's Park Zoo.
16 Nov 1991
Dining alone with Keith Floyd
Is something we all should avoid.
Everything's fine
Till he gets to the wine,
And then he's a right haemorrhoid.
16 Nov 1991
"Pass the wok then," said Hudson to Halls.
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid nature calls."
"Stop that you fat Kiwi!"
"It's only a wee wee!
It might even improve the Prawn Balls."
16 Nov 1991
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The Opposite Sex Limericks

A woman once said: "What the heck" to me,
"You look like a physical wreck to me,
You're a leery old gent -
However, come to my tent,
Though it doesn't look very erect to me."
02 Jun 1984
My wife and I sadly are parting,
In our lounge is a farm she is starting.
She's fed all the pigs
On syrup of figs,
No wonder my eyes are still smarting.
11 Mar 1989
I'm suing my wife for divorce,
Since she had an affair with a horse.
I walked in one day,
There's this dappled grey -
He was chatting her up - what a sauce!
11 Mar 1989
Saw this girl at the Henley Regatta,
Enjoying champagne and a natter.
I said: "Pardon me
Aren't you Rusty Lee?"
She said: "No, I am Jomo Kenyatta."
11 Mar 1989
My wife and I sadly are parting,
In our lounge is a farm she is starting.
She's fed all the pigs
On syrup of figs,
No wonder my eyes are still smarting.
29 Jan 1990
I'm suing my wife for divorce,
Since she had an affair with a horse.
I walked in one day,
There's this dappled grey -
He was chatting her up - what a sauce!
29 Jan 1990
Saw this girl at the Henley Regatta,
Enjoying champagne and a natter.
I said: "Pardon me
Aren't you Rusty Lee?"
She said: "No, I am Jomo Kenyatta."
29 Jan 1990
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Unfortunately Ending Limericks

A cheeky young cow-poke called Hank,
Went into the woods...with a plank.
For three or four winters,
He sufferred the splinters,
But he laughed all the way to the bank.
02 Jun 1984
There was a young lady called Chuck
(And we're all wishing Barry good luck);
'Twas an old merchant-banker
Who finally sank her
With a highly-trained Muscovy duck.
19 Oct 1987
They hailed her as Vivat Regina!
One night on an old ocean liner
A jolly jack tar
He went one step too far,
And it's a hell of a long way to China.
06 Jul 1985
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