The ISIHAC
Humph's Closing Gems Page

Last Updated
08 Dec 2016

At the end of most editions of the BBC Radio 4 panel game I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the chairman will make a witty conclusion to the show. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

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Well, all good things must come to an end, and so must this programme...
...and with the big hand pointing upwards and my little hand pointing towards my digital watch, I notice that it is time to go... Edinburgh
13 Nov 1993
...and with the big hand pointing upwards and my little hand pointing towards my digital watch, I notice that it is time to go... ISIHAC 2, Side 3
Well, they do say that time flies when you're having fun, and to prove it I notice my sundial has stopped... Windsor
28 May 1994
Ladies and gentlemen, as Wee Willie begins the frantic search for his winkie, I notice that we've run out of time... Windsor
04 Jun 1994
Well, with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake...
02 Jul 1994
Well, with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake... ISIHAC 2, Side 2
Well, a quick glance at the time tells me that it's fast coming up to eighty-one hundred hours, which means, of course, that I've put my digital watch on upside-down again... Bath
05 Nov 1994
Ladies and gentlemen, one glance at my diver's watch tells me that he's probably drowned... Bath
12 Nov 1994
Well, as I see the sands of time are being washed by the Tide of eternity, it's time to decide whether it's kinder on coloured fabrics than our usual brand... West End
19 Nov 1994
Well, as the burnished chariot of fate is wheeled-clamped by the traffic warden of eternity... West End
26 Nov 1994
...and so, as we rapidly approach the bus stop of the Apocalypse, I notice that the Four Horsemen have all come along at the same time... Chester
03 Dec 1994
...and so, as the vanquished charwoman of time begins to Shake'N'Vac the shagpile of eternity... Chester
10 Dec 1994
...and so, as I notice the eternal flame of hope has just been put out by the fire officer of destiny with the sand bucket of fate... Brighton
27 May 1995
...and so, as the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles towards the abbatoir of destiny... Brighton (d?)
03 Jun 1995
...and so, as the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles towards the abbatoir of destiny... ISIHAC 3, Side 3
...and so, as the Rock of Ages is cleft in twain by the karate chop of fate, I notice it has 'Souvenir of Watford' written all the way through it... Watford
10 Jun 1995
...and so, as the frisky tom-cat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity... Watford
17 Jun 1995
...and so, as the frisky tom-cat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity... ISIHAC 3, Side 2
...and so, as the privatised utility of time meets the Nolan Enquiry of eternity, and the Rob Andrew of life meets the Jonah Lomu of destiny... Radio Theatre, London
24 Jun 1995
...and so, as the little white dot of eternity shrinks into the middle of the TV screen of destiny, while outside os parked the detector van of the Apocalypse, I see that it's time to blame the dog for eating the licence again... Radio Theatre, London
01 Jul 1995
...and so, as time's winged chariot hurries us off the airwaves, my mind turns to metaphysical thoughts, and the words of the great John Dunn - "That's all for now. Join me at the same time tomorrow here on Radio 2"... Hackney
11 Nov 1995
...and so, as the labrador puppy of time scampers off with the toilet roll of destiny, it's time to bid the whining little child of show-business adieu once more... Hackney
18 Nov 1995
...and so, as the sand castles of destiny are washed away by the incoming tide of time, it is clear that the grim deck-chair attendant of doom will shortly be upon us... Harrogate
25 Nov 1995
...and so, as the boiling water of time collides with the sweet and sour instant pot snack of fate, I notice that the tomato sauce sachet of destiny has been accidentally left inside... Harrogate
02 Dec 1995
...and so, as the still-warm seat of eternity is lifted by the charlady of time, before she brandishes aloft the Toilet Duck of destiny... Stratford-Upon- Avon
09 Dec 1995
...and so, as the still-warm seat of eternity is lifted by the charlady of time, before she brandishes aloft the Toilet Duck of destiny... ISIHAC 3, Side 3
...and so, as the dandruff of time is confronted by the Head And Shoulders of destiny, and the single sock of fate succumbs to the twin-tub of eternity... Stratford-Upon- Avon
16 Dec 1995
...and so, as the little Andrex puppy of time scampers onto the busy dual carriageway of destiny, and the extra strong meat vindaloo of fate confronts the 'Toilet Out Of Order' sign of eternity... Brighton
01 Jun 1996
...and so, as the plastic duck of destiny has been sunk by the loofah of fate, and Old Father Time has gone wrinkly in the bath water of eternity, it must be time to pick out the short hairs of hope from the plug hole of infinity... Brighton
08 Jun 1996
...and so, as the wheelie-bin of time is hoist aloft by the dustman of fate, and the broken egg shells of despair are scattered down the front path of destiny, it must be time to regret not tipping him better... Richmond-Upon- Thames
15 Jun 1996
...and so, as the relentless juggernaut of time runs over the final hedgehog of hope, and the last traffic cone of fate is removed from the student bedsit of destiny... Richmond-Upon- Thames
22 Jun 1996
...and so, as the Qualcast mower of time cuts through the electric flex of destiny... Cheltenham
29 Jun 1996
...and so, as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair... Cheltenham
06 Jul 1996
...and so, as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair... ISIHAC 4, Side 1
...and so, as the Pete Best of time picks up the redundancy notice of eternity, and the Trevor Jordash of fate glimpses the garden patio of destiny... Liverpool
09 Nov 1996
...and so, as the fluff-ball of time pops out of the navel of destiny, and the nylon underpants of fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of despair... Liverpool
16 Nov 1996
...and so, as the fluff-ball of time pops out of the navel of destiny, and the nylon underpants of fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of despair... ISIHAC 4, Side 3
...and so, as the loose-bowelled pigeon of time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed minicab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity... Northampton
23 Nov 1996
...and so, as the loose-bowelled pigeon of time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed minicab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity... ISIHAC 4, Side 2
...and so, as the salad fork of time lifts aloft the hidden slug of fate towards the open mouth of eternity, and the hibernating tortoise of hope explodes in the microwave of infinity... Northampton
30 Nov 1996
...and so, as the eternal flame of time licks hungily around the Eurotunnel freight wagon of destiny, and the three bar electric fire of fate topples into the bubble bath of human dreams... Cambridge
07 Dec 1996
...and so, as the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW Beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny... Cambridge
14 Dec 1996
...and so, as the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW Beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny... ISIHAC 3, Side 4
...and so, as the twin buttocks of time struggle onto the photocopier of eternity, and the tipsy secretary of fate fends off the managing director of destiny... 1996 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1996
...and so, as the Neil Hamilton of time meets the Martin Bell of destiny, and the airport extension of life confronts the Swampy of eternity... Bath
07 Jun 1997
...and so, as the BMX Roadster of time collides with the erratic minicab of fate, and the unprotected crotch of hope slams hard against the crossbar of destiny... Bath
14 Jun 1997
...and so, as the delinquent teenager of time tastes the fatal alco-pop of eternity... Brighton
21 Jun 1997
...and so, as Grandfather Time takes an absent-minded swig from Granny Time's denture mug... Brighton
30 Jun 1997
...and so, as the Spanish trawler net of time ensnares the Dover sole of destiny, and the avenging Cornish crab of fate crawls up the Andalucian trouser leg of eternity... Canterbury
05 Jul 1997
...and so, as the rare Bengal tiger of time meanders into the cross-hair sights of Prince Philip's fateful pump-action shot gun... Canterbury
12 Jul 1997
...and so, as Old Father Time is finally traced to an address in Lowestoft by the Child Support Agency worker of destiny... Wimbledon
08 Nov 1997
...and so, as the sleepy toad of time confronts the whirling hover-mower of destiny, and the unsuspecting dog of complacency cocks a leg at the electric fence of fate... Wimbledon
15 Nov 1997
...and so, as the absent-minded zookeeper of time scrubs his loo with the startled bush-baby of hope, and the frisky King Penguin of fate approaches the small nun of destiny... Newcastle
22 Nov 1997
...and so, as the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity... Islington
06 Dec 1997
...and so, as the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity... ISIHAC 5, Side 2
...and so, as the spectacular shag of time wheels high over the rock face of eternity, before being sucked into the Pratt & Whitney jet engine of destiny... Islington
13 Dec 1997
...and so, as the scales of time are confronted by the Vanessa Feltz of eternity, and the cubicle of destiny is selected by the George Michael of fate... Windsor
28 Apr 1998
...and so, as the plump juicy earwig of time burrows into the uncapped toothpaste of destiny, and the hairy spider of fate lurks hungrily under the toilet seat of eternity... Windsor
04 May 1998
...and so, as the blue-cagoulled rambler of time confronts the colour blind bull of destiny, and the dead pigeon of fate decomposes in the water tank of eternity... Leeds
11 May 1998
...and so, as the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate... Leeds
18 May 1998
...and so, as the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate... ISIHAC 5, Side 3
...and so, as the Robin Cook of fate wheedles out of the public enquiry of destiny, and the Michael Howard of eternity chokes on his own smug smile of fate... Southsea
25 May 1998
...and so, as the flatulent skunk of time wanders into the air conditioning system of eternity, and the piranha fish of fate circles hungrily in the bidet of destiny... Southsea
07 Jun 1998
...and so, as the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate tries to mount the bagpipes of eternity... Glasgow
07 Dec 1998
...and so, as the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate tries to mount the bagpipes of eternity... ISIHAC 6, Side 3
...and so, as the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the crunchy fruit-and-nut meusli of destiny... Cardiff
14 Dec 1998
...and so, as the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the crunchy fruit-and-nut meusli of destiny... ISIHAC 5, Side 1
...and so, as the red-red-robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snowplough of eternity, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation... Birmingham
28 Dec 1998
...and so, as the red-red-robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snowplough of eternity, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation... ISIHAC 5, Side 4
...and so, as the bottom of time falls out of the bin bag of destiny, and the unseen charlady of fate Mr.Sheens the formica tabletop of eternity... Birmingham
04 Jan 1999
...and so, as the slavering Radio 4 scheduler of time savages the airwaves of eternity, and the popular panel game of hope is axed by the cataclysmic network controller of doom... Guildford
24 May 1999
...and so, as the pleasant sitting room of time is mutilated by the Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen of destiny... Guildford
31 May 1999
...and so, as the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate... Plymouth
08 Jun 1999
...and so, as the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate... ISIHAC 6, Side 1
...and so, as the Wispa of mortality melts into the upholstery of fate in the overheating Vauxhall of destiny, towing the caravan of doom ahead of the motorway tailback of eternity... Plymouth
14 Jun 1999
...and so, as the sands of time blow up the trunks of destiny, and the grit of fate lodges uncomfortably in the winkle of despair... Nottingham
21 Jun 1999
...and so, as the full-moon of time is glimpsed in the rugby coach window of destiny... York
08 Nov 1999
...and so, as the rare field mouse of time cannons out of the combine harvester of destiny, and the grey squirrel of fate nibbles hungrily at the nuts of eternity... York
15 Nov 1999
...and so, as the computer-generated dinosaur of time gobbles up the licence fee of eternity... Milton Keynes
22 Nov 1999
...and so, as the organically-fed pig farm of time defeats the ozone layer of destiny, and the short-sighted Aberdeen Angus of hope attempts to mount the concrete cow of eternity... Milton Keynes
29 Nov 1999
...and so, as the Wee Willy Winkie of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity... Greenwich
06 Dec 1999
...and so, as the Wee Willy Winkie of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity... ISIHAC 6, Side 2
...and so, as the Millennium Bug of fate breeds in the sewage-eating cattle of destiny, and the millennium hype of eternity bores the arse of doom off Old father Time... Greenwich
13 Dec 1999
...and so, as the two turtle doves of time drown in the fish tank of eternity, and the ten lords-a-leaping blast the partridge of plenty from the pear tree of hope... 1999 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1999
...and so, as the adventurous dung-beetle of time spits out the Pot Noodle of destiny, and the toadstool of fate is plucked out of the startled toad of eternity... Woking
22 May 2000
...and so, as the short-sighted terrier of time chases the startled stick-insect of hope, and the supple dachshund of fate is knotted by the absent-minded balloon magician of eternity... Woking
29 May 2000
...and so, as the tide of time laps up against the sewage outflow of destiny, and the wind of change begins to pervade the lift of eternity... Stoke-On-Trent
05 Jun 2000
...and so, as the Little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the Little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast... South Bank
19 Jun 2000
...and so, as the Little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the Little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast... ISIHAC 6, Side 4
...and so, as the David Shayler of time prepares to confront the eternal scales of justice, having long since defeated the bathroom scales of destiny... Bournemouth
13 Nov 2000
...and so, as the cricket ball of time is whacked firmly by the bat of fate, and the wincing cricket of destiny pleads with the bat to stop... Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
...and so, as the elegant swan of time glides onto the bank of destiny, while the rescue dinghy of hope crashes into the first floor of the Post Office... Coventry
27 Nov 2000
...and so, as the La-La of time plays with the Tinky-Winky of destiny, and the Dipsy of fate sits on the Po of eternity... Coventry
04 Dec 2000
...and so, as the sleeping princess of time lies undisturbed on the pea of fate, thanks to the rubber bedsheet of eternity... High Wycombe
11 Dec 2000
...and so, as the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity... High Wycombe
18 Dec 2000
...and so, as the actress of time said to the bishop of destiny, "That's that finished again for another week!"... Reading
28 May 2001
...and so, as the PC of time crashes on the superhighway of fate, and the sergeant of doom takes his bent panda car away... Reading
04 Jun 2001
...and so, as the hot custard of time dribbles down the spotted dick of destiny, and the clumsy nurse of fate is deafened by the screaming patient of eternity... Sheffield
11 Jun 2001
...and so, as the Mr.Sheens of time sprays over the coffee table of fate, while the Mrs.Sheens of destiny quickly ushers him out of Habitat... Sheffield
18 Jun 2001
...and so, as the short-sighted stick insect of time attempts to mate with the left over Twiglet of fate, and the laughing hyena of eternity is silenced by the Joe Pasquale of doom... Norwich
25 Jun 2001
...and so, as the golf ball of time rolls down the rabbit hole of destiny, and the half-eaten Mars bar of fate melts forgotten in the pocket of my new cricket whites...
...and so, as the irritating caraway seed of fate is removed by the dental floss of destiny...
...and so, as the frisky goose of time is formally reported by the angry waitress of destiny... Wolverhampton
12 Nov 2001
...and so, as the jersey of time is tumble-dried with the Comfort of eternity, and the farmer of destiny wonders how his cow got into the washing machine... Wolverhampton
19 Nov 2001
...and so, as the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger Dentufix... Brighton
26 Nov 2001
...and so, as the Ann Robinson of time says 'Goodbye' to the weakest link of fate, and the house-brick of doom hurtles through the TV screen of eternity... Brighton
03 Dec 2001
...and so, as the greyhound of destiny savages the electric rabbit of fate, and the manager of Mothercare chases the greyhound out of the shop... Bristol
10 Dec 2001
...and so, as the squirrel of time nibbles on the nuts of eternity, while the irritated bulldog of destiny tries to shake him off... Bristol
10 Dec 2001
...and so, as the Argentinian boot stud of time confronts the second meta-tarsel of eternity, and the England squad of uncertainty goes out in the second round of inevitability... Bradford
20 May 2002
...and so, as the frozen cod pieces of time are plunged into the boiling oil of destiny, before the Shakespearean actors of fate ask for the male doctor at the burns unit of eternity... Bradford
27 May 2002
...and so, as the rabbits of time munch their way through the maize of eternity, while the Hampton Court of destiny calls in the pest controllers of doom... Leicester
03 Jun 2002
...and so, as the visually-impaired hairdresser of time waves cheerio to the Gary Rhodes of eternity... Leicester
10 Jun 2002
...and so, as the Greg Dyke of time cuts the crap of destiny... Hastings
17 Jun 2002
...well, as the smouldering embers of time fade peacefully in the brazierre of eternity... 1994 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1994
...well, as the Father Christmas of time gleefully reads the cards in the telephone box of eternity... 2001 Xmas Special
24 Dec 2001
We've reached the moment that never fails to bring a lump to the eye and a tear to the throat...
11 Mar 1989
...and so, as the mushroom gatherer of time plucks the toadstool of destiny, and the toad of doom croaks with pain... Malvern
18 Nov 2002
...and so, as the delicate young deer fawn of time sups at the clear spring water of destiny, and the manager of Waitrose boots it up the arse of fate... Malvern
25 Nov 2002
...and so, as the proud sea captain of time casts off on the liner of fate, and the first mate of destiny thanks him for knitting him the cardigan of eternity... Blackpool
02 Dec 2002
...and so, as the Dentufix of time gently secures the top set of destiny, before it's ripped out by the Wurther's Original of doom... Blackpool
09 Dec 2002
...and so, as the butler of time eagerly rifles through the drawers of fate, the Princess of Destiny suggests he might let her take them off first... Sadler's Wells
16 Dec 2002
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the end of the show, and indeed the series. Well, what a series it's been, providing so many memories that will never leave me...at least, not without a long course of expensive therapy... Sadler's Wells
23 Dec 2002
...well, that's all the extracts we have time for. Samantha is collecting the tapes, and putting them away safely with all the other items to go into the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue time capsule. This will be buried deep under Broadcasting House where it might be rediscovered by someone in the future, who will doubtless be delighted by the naivety of the simple humour from a distant, bygone age...when it's dug up in two or three months time... 2002 Xmas Special Compilation
30 Dec 2002
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the three-toed sloth of time dozes in the rainforest of eternity, and the three toads decide to make good their escape... Darlington
26 May 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the orchestra of eternity prepares to enter the Albert Hall of fate, and Albert Hall decides it's time he got a proper job... Darlington
02 Jun 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the Steve Davis of time clambers over the table of eternity to reach for another red, and the wine waiter of destiny asks him to leave the restaurant... Buxton
09 Jun 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the crocodile of time attacks the Australian of hope, and the primary school teacher of eternity tells them not to be so rude to tourists... Buxton
16 Jun 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the hamster of time spins round on the wheel of eternity, and the lorry driver of fate makes a mental note to scrape it off later... Torquay
23 Jun 2003
...well, I notice it's the end of the show, and indeed the end of another series. Yes, I don't mind telling you it's at times like these that my emotions can get the better of me, and I can sometimes find a tear forming in my eye...sheer joy and relief often have that effect... Torquay
30 Jun 2003
...and so, as the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity... ISIHAC 7, Side 1
...and so, as the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger Dentufix... ISIHAC 7, Side 2
...and so, as the squirrel of time nibbles on the nuts of eternity, while the irritated bulldog of destiny tries to shake him off... ISIHAC 7, Side 3
...and so ladies and gentlemen, I notice it's the end of the show, and indeed, the series, and there are but few words that can express how I feel at that news although 'Yee' and 'Haa' would seem to fit the bill nicely... ISIHAC 7, Side 4
...Ladies and gentlemen, it's very hard to believe that we've come to the end of our show. It's even harder to believe that we shall be back again at the same time next week...
12 Oct 1987
Well, one glance at my neighbourhood watch...tells me I've been burgled...
25 Jun 1994
...and so, as the twin buttocks of time struggle onto the photocopier of eternity, and the tipsy secretary of fate fends off the managing director of destiny... 1995 Xmas Special
25 Dec 1995
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the end of the show, and indeed the series. Well, what a series it's been, providing so many memories that will never leave me...at least, not without a long course of expensive therapy... ISIHAC 8, Side 1
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the hamster of time spins round on the wheel of eternity, and the lorry driver of fate makes a mental note to scrape it off later... ISIHAC 8, Side 2
...and so, as the Dentufix of time gently secures the top set of destiny, before it's ripped out by the Wurther's Original of doom... ISIHAC 8, Side 3
...and so, as the visually-impaired hairdresser of time waves cheerio to the Gary Rhodes of eternity... ISIHAC 8, Side 4
...and so, as the bride of time is led down the aisle of fate, before the manager of Tesco's points out they don't do wedding ceremonies... Winchester
17 Nov 2003
...and so, as the actress of time and the bishop of fate go into the pub of destiny, and the landlord of eternity says "Is this some kind of joke?"... Winchester
24 Nov 2003
...and so, as the coal face of time is hewn by the miner of destiny, and the colliery manager of fate is arrested for employing under-age labour... Eastbourne
01 Dec 2003
...and so, as the moose of time is blasted by the marksman of eternity, and the manager of the dairy department goes to get a mop... Eastbourne
15 Dec 2003
...and so, as the guardsman of time strokes the bearskin of eternity, and the sergeant major of fate orders him back to the barracks to put some clothes on... Leeds
08 Dec 2003
...and so, as the trawlermen of time pick the cod of hope out of the fishnets of fate, and then the haddock of happiness out of the frilly panties of despair... Leeds
22 Dec 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the hamster of time spins round on the wheel of eternity, and the lorry driver of fate makes a mental note to scrape it off later... Best of ISIHAC 2003
29 Dec 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the nuts of time roast gently before the fireplace of eternity, and the plump bird of fate receives the stuffing of a lifetime... 2003 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2003
...and so, as the little Andrex puppy of time scampers onto the busy dual carriageway of destiny, and the extra strong meat vindaloo of fate confronts the 'Toilet Out Of Order' sign of eternity... Best Of ISIHAC 2/3
13 Apr 1998
...and so, as the fluff-ball of time pops out of the navel of destiny, and the nylon underpants of fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of despair... Best Of ISIHAC 3/3
20 Apr 1998
...and so, as the leathery sole of time is hammered by the cobbler of destiny, before the waiter of hope offers to take it back to the kitchen for him... Dartford
31 May 2004
...and now, ladies and gentlemen, before we end the show, I'm advised that there have been some complaints from listeners about a short break in transmission. We really are very sorry - it wasn't nearly long enough... Belfast
14 Jun 2004
...and so, as the boiling water of fate is poured over the ant of time, and the insecticide of destiny is sprayed over the dec of doom... Belfast
21 Jun 2004
...well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end the show. If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme, please write to the BBC Helpdesk, Broadcasting House, London, taking care to mark your envelope 'basket case'... Salford
28 Jun 2004
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, I notice it's the end of the show, and sooner than any of could imagine, it's the end of another series, and how poignant it is to reflect back on the six weeks of wild applause and gales of laughter...the teams had hoped to get... Salford
05 Jul 2004
...and so, as the Finger-of-Fudge of time gives the Kids of destiny a treat they'll never forget, and the aniseed balls of fate shatter the teeth of eternity... Dominic Fortes
...and so, as the speed camera of time issues the fixed penalty fine of destiny, and the driver of fate extends the middle digit of eternity... Dominic Fortes
...and so, as the Millennium footbridge of time sways precariously in the gentle breeze of destiny, and the pedestrian of fate holds on grimly for dear life... Dominic Fortes
...and so, as the little Dutch boy of destiny sticks his finger in the dyke of fate, and the former BBC Director General asks him not to... Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
It's time now to end the show, but first I've been asked to make a short announcement. We understand from the theatre management that there have been complaints that certain members of the audience couldn't hear the show. Our sincere apologies go to anyone who was unable to swop seats with them... Basingstoke
13 Dec 2004
...and so, as the twin buttocks of time struggle onto the photocopier of eternity, and the tipsy secretary of fate fends off the managing director of destiny... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
...well, as the Father Christmas of time gleefully reads the cards in the telephone box of eternity... I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
...and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of this week's show, but if you missed any of the broadcast, tuned in late, or have only just switched on, then you can visit the BBC web site, where there full, easy to follow instructions...on how to read a wristwatch... Hull
20 Dec 2004
...OK, ladies and gentlemen, before we end the show, I have to advise the listeners that BBC Radio has an audience reaction phone line. Anyone who's enjoyed the show and wishes to register their comments can ring 08700 100 222. Alternatively, if you have any complaints or criticisms of the show...then you can shut your face! Hull
03 Jan 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the cowboy of time surveys the range of infinity, and the housewife of doom is shocked by a bill of 90 quid an hour to fix the cooker of fate... Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series. However, we know that there are a number of loyal listeners that tune in to repeats of the show over on BBC7, and we'd like to say a personal thanks to all of them, so Thankyou, Thankyou, Thankyou... Tunbridge Wells
17 Jan 2005
...as the housewife of time adjusts her lipstick in the mirror of destiny, and the cyclist of fate disappears under her speeding four-by-four... Ipswich
30 May 2005
...as the fluffy new-born chick of hope tumbles from the egg shell of life and splashes into the hot frying pan of doom... Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and you must agree, it certainly ticked all the boxes - particularly those marked 'terrible' and 'rubbish'... Rhyl
20 Jun 2005
...as the runaway stallion of time attempts to mount the reluctant mare of fate, and the town council meeting has to be halted for the day... Oxford
27 Jun 2005
...well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed the end of the series, but there'll be another one later in the year, so there's something to look forward to...the end of another series... Oxford
04 Jul 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the lone piper of time appears at the gates of dawn, and Dawn throws open the window and tells him where to stick his bagpipes... Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the hoodie of time is roughly ejected from the Lakeside of eternity, and the Benedictine Monk complains he only wanted to buy a new pair of sandals... London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the meatball of time congeals in the gravy of destiny, and the swede of fate is mashed in the queue to get out of Ikea... London Palladium
21 Nov 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the lemmings of fate run over the crumbling cliff of eternity, and the Shadows try to shoo them off... Brighton
28 Nov 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the larva of time eats into the Granny Smith of eternity, and the Smith family make a note not to take her up Vesuvius again... Brighton
05 Dec 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the binge drinkers of time stagger from the pub of eternity, before taking the controls of the jumbo jet of destiny... Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
...well, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series. And what a mighty roller-coaster of a series it's been...in the sense that roller-coasters always make me feel sick... Harrogate
26 Dec 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the grandfather of time passes peacefully away in his sleep, while his 350 passengers scream in terror... Bristol
22 May 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the penguins of time relieve themselves on the iceberg of eternity, and the greengrocer of destiny boots them out of the door... Bristol
29 May 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Humpty Dumpty of time falls off the wall of fate, and the wall owner of destiny is served the personal injuries claim of doom... Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the song of time is sung for the supper of destiny by Little Tommy Tucker, and the censor of doom cuts the second line... Birmingham
12 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the flaming meteorite of time smashes into the mighty comet of fate, and two hundred quids worth of washing machines are destroyed... Halifax
19 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series, but I'll run through all the high points of the last six weeks in a moment. Actually, it won't take nearly as long as that... Halifax
26 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the lumberjack of time plunges his axe into the redwood of doom, and the Conservative member for Wokingham gets all he deserves... Southport
13 Nov 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the smoker of time steps outside for the cigarette of fate, and learns how dangerous smoking is if you step out of a cable car... Southport
20 Nov 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the 4x4 of destiny on the level crossing of fate, stalls in the path of the speeding freight train of doom, and the signalman of time rushes to fetch his camera... Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the milkman of time leaves a pint on the doorstep of eternity, and the policeman of doom arrests him for urinating in public... Victoria Palace
04 Dec 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the thermometer of destiny drops below the freezing point of fate, and the Geordie lad of time slips on the sleeveless T-shirt of eternity... Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series. And what could be worse news than that? Well, there'll be another series in the spring... Sunderland
18 Dec 2006
We've reached the moment that never fails to bring a lump to the eye and a tear to the throat...
29 Jan 1990
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the cyclist of time jumps the red light of fate, and the brothel keeper of doom throws his bike out after him... London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the ink cartridge of time is rammed into the printer of destiny, and the printer finds he can't sit down... London Coliseum
11 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the florist of time takes a daffodil out of her vase, and the greengrocer of fate takes a leek out of his window... Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, we must end the show, but first I have to advise any listeners who may want information about the programme, or wish to post comments on the message board, they can go to www.don'tyouhaveanyfriendsatall.com, where there's a list of councillors who may be able to assist... Cardiff
25 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the goldfish of time swims round the bowl of fate, before being flushed round the U-bend of eternity... Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
...and with that, ladies & gentlemen, it's the end of the show and indeed the end of this series. And, what a marvellous time I've had...reading that previous sentence... Wimbledon
09 Jul 2007
...that, ladies & gentlemen, is the end of the show, but before we go I'm required to make an apology. We very much regret that the trailer for this programme appeared to make Her Majesty the Queen look grumpy, impatient and sour-faced. This was due to a failure in our editing process...we didn't do any... Croydon
12 Nov 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the playful puppy of time bounds after the toilet tissue of destiny, and the handle of fate flushes him round the U-bend of doom... Croydon
19 Nov 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the South African prop forward of time goes into touch, and the English hooker of fate explains she charges extra for that... Manchester
26 Nov 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the drunken sailor of time relieves himself into the dock of fate, and the magistrate adds an extra three months for contempt of court... Manchester
03 Dec 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the cabinet minister of time addresses the House of destiny, and the dodgy builder of fate bungs him another couple of grand... Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
...ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show and indeed this series. I'd really like to say how much I've enjoyed it, but I'm not allowed to before 9pm... Peterborough
17 Dec 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the chill wind of time carries aloft the solitary snowflake of destiny, and Network South East closes down for the week... Humph In Wonderland
25 Dec 2007
...as the fluffy new-born chick of hope tumbles from the egg shell of life and splashes into the hot frying pan of doom... ISIHAC 9, Side 1
...well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end the show. If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme, please write to the BBC Helpdesk, Broadcasting House, London, taking care to mark your envelope 'basket case'... ISIHAC 9, Side 2
...as the housewife of time adjusts her lipstick in the mirror of destiny, and the cyclist of fate disappears under her speeding four-by-four... ISIHAC 9, Side 4
...and so, as I notice the eternal flame of hope has just been put out by the fire officer of destiny with the sand bucket of fate... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
27 Apr 2008
Well, they do say that time flies when you're having fun, and to prove it I notice my sundial has stopped... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
16 Jun 2008
...and so, as the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
23 Jun 2008
...and so, as the actress of time and the bishop of fate go into the pub of destiny, and the landlord of eternity says "Is this some kind of joke?"... ISIHAC Classic Repeat
30 Jun 2008
...and so, as the bull of time wrecks the china shop of destiny, and the china shop owner decides he should probably have got a cat... Haymarket
15 Jun 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the muffled mobile of time goes off in the theatre of destiny, and the surgeon of fate realises he's sewn his phone inside a patient once again... Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the curious kitten of time peers through the washing machine window of fate, before the housewife of destiny opens the door to let it out... Southampton
29 Jun 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the charlady of time rubs Mr Sheen over the sideboard of destiny, and Mr Sheen decides his West Wing scripts aren't what they used to be... Southampton
06 Jul 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the little green man of fate flashes over the zebra of time, and the zookeeper of destiny puts the startled zebra back in his pen... Newcastle
13 Jul 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman of time go into the pub of destiny, and the landlord of doom tells them he doesn't serve clichés... Newcastle
20 Jul 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Little Bo Peep of time looks for her lost sheep of fate, and is told to prepare for a shock by the abbatoir owner of destiny... Old Vic
16 Nov 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Little Jack Horner of fate pulls out his plums of doom, before the school matron of destiny says 'cough'... Old Vic
23 Nov 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the celebrity chef of time gets his finger stuck in the pasta maker of destiny, and the pasta maker threatens she'll take legal action... Chichester
30 Nov 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the trout of time leaps to take the flies of fate, and the manager of Burtons decides his shop needs a much better damp course... Chichester
07 Dec 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the gentle donkey of time is led into the tranquil Bethlehem of hope, before having its ears blown off by the Isreali army of eternity... Scarborough
14 Dec 2009
...and with that, it's the end of the show and in fact the end of the series, but before we go, I've just been passed a note asking me to point out my most enjoyable highlights of the last six weeks. Uh, well, um, I thought Spooks was good... Scarborough
21 Dec 2009
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the arrow of time smashes through the apple of hope, and the William Tell impressionist is thrown out of PC World... Cheltenham
21 Jun 2010
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Double Gloucester cheese of time is thrown down the hillside of destiny, and the chasing crowd decide Accardo's delivery standards aren't what they used to be... Cheltenham
28 Jun 2010
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Toyota of time crashes through the showroom window of destiny, and the car dealership of eternity spots the flaw in their faulty brake recall programme... Carlise
05 Jul 2010
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the gloopy crude oil of destiny smothers the tender young prawns of time, and Heston Blumenthal decides he may have overdone the dressing again... Carlise
12 Jul 2010
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the North Korean football manager of time calls up the sub of fate, and his team captain points out you're not technically allowed to fire torpedos in a World Cup game... Cambridge
19 Jul 2010
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, I notice it's the end of the show, and in fact the end of the series, and I have to say I didn't regret being here for one moment. It was that moment just then when I said "It's the end of the series" ... Cambridge
26 Jul 2010
[ ...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the chicken of time crosses the road of hope, and the juggernaut of fate speeds round the blind corner of eternity and saves us all from a spectacularly unfunny punchline... Not broadcast] Leeds
27 Dec 2010
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, it only remains for us to take a look at the scores. Interesting... Leeds
03 Jan 2011
[ ...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the German Shepherd of time sniffs at the trouser crotch of eternity, while his dog sits obediently next to him... Not broadcast] Crawley Session 1
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the dentures of time clink into the glass of eternity, and the wine waiter of fate apologises to the diner of destiny... Crawley
10 Jan 2011
[ ...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the dentures of time clink into the glass of eternity, and the wine waiter of fate apologises to the diner of destiny... Not broadcast] Crawley Session 2
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the German Shepherd of time sniffs at the trouser crotch of eternity, while his dog sits obediently next to him... Crawley
17 Jan 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the vacuum cleaner of time sucks at the rug of destiny, and the Bruce Forsyth of fate is relieved he used extra strong fixative... Chatham
24 Jan 2011
...well, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show and unbelievably the end of another series. It is amazing how time flies when you're enjoying yourself. You come in here at 6.30, settle down waiting for the jokes, and before you know it...the kids have grown up... Chatham
31 Jan 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the electric drill of time bores into the plaster of destiny, and the howl of agony erupts from the patient with the broken leg... Nottingham
27 Jun 2011
...well, it's very nearly the end of the show, but we can't go before we have Thought For The Day, so off you go teams. All done?... Nottingham
04 Jul 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the rabbit of time is chased by the labrador of fate, and the David Blunkett of destiny is dragged screaming around Walthamstow dog track... Aylesbury
11 Jul 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the horse of time walks into the pub of destiny, and the barman says "What? Do you think I believe in talking horses? By the way, I know you have a long face - you're a horse. Now, get out"... Aylesbury
18 Jul 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the actress of time said to the bishop of fate: "Hello, Mr Sentamu. My name's Judi Dench. Blimey! That's a big one! Where'd you get a hat like that?"... Grassington
25 Jul 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, [ as the 4x4 of time reverses into the gap of destiny, and the manager points out that a clothes shop is no place to park a 4x4 Not broadcast] I see it's the end of the show, and in fact, this series, and if anyone's worrying about whether there'll ever be another series, you're quite right to. There will be... Grassington
01 Aug 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the chilly rambler of time pulls on the jersey of fate, and the farmer of destiny tells him to stop molesting his cattle... Guildford
14 Nov 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the CDs of hope are washed off the desert island of time by the waves of fate, and the audience of eternity wonders what kind of idiot leaves his eight treasured CDs on a tidal beach... Guildford
21 Nov 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the night owl of time hoots incessantly under the moon of destiny, and is fined fifty quid for sounding his horn in a built up area... Gateshead
28 Nov 2011
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Grand Prix winner of time throws the magnum of destiny over the adoring fans of fate, and they go off to wash ice cream out of their hair... Dunstable
12 Nov 2012
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the trawlerman of time hauls on the fish nets of fate, and the first mate tells him how good his legs look in them... Dunstable
19 Nov 2012
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the chainsaw of time smashes the tobacconist's display of destiny, and the lumberjack of fate is told he's supposed to be cutting ash trees, not ash trays... Birmingham
26 Nov 2012
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the white horse of time goes into the pub of destiny, and the barman of fate says "You're a horse, you can't speak, and you don't drink beer, so get out!"... Birmingham
03 Dec 2012
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Radio 1 DJ of destiny approaches the microphone of fate, and speaks only to confirm his name, age and address... Preston
10 Dec 2012
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and also the end of this series, and I can honestly say I've never enjoyed myself more...than reading that sentence... Preston
17 Dec 2012
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Santa Claus of fate goes down the chimney of destiny with a new flat-screen TV, and meets the burglar of time coming up with the old one... 2012 Xmas Special
24 Dec 2012
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the retail store of destiny ends their mammoth sale, and the pet shop nex tdoor runs out of mammoth food... Norwich
30 Jun 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the insecticide of destiny is sprayed on the tomatoes of time, and the diner of fate complains he actually wanted vinaigrette... Worthing
14 Jul 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the beer drinker of time takes two cans from the fridge of fate, and wonders how these large-billed tropical birds got in there... Worthing
21 Jul 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the chicken of time crosses the road of destiny and thinks to itself 'Does anyone really care why I did that?'... Bradford
28 Jul 2014
...and with that, it's the end of the show, and in fact the end of yet another series working with the teams. People often ask me "Jack, would you say they're comedy greats?" and I say "Yes it does"... Bradford
04 Aug 2014
...[ and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the wobbly shopping trolley of time is wheeled up the aisle of destiny, and the vicar of fate decides the bridegroom may not be entirely sober Not broadcast]... Richmond upon Thames Session 1
...OK, well it is nearly time to end the show, but not before we have the Yes/No Interlude, so is everybody ready? YES. Yes. NO. NO. ...and with that, it is the end of the show... Richmond upon Thames
17 Nov 2014
...[ OK, well it is nearly time to end the show, but not before we have the Yes/No Interlude, so is everybody ready? YES. Yes. NO. NO. ...and with that, it is the end of the show Not broadcast]... Richmond upon Thames Session 2
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the wobbly shopping trolley of time is wheeled up the aisle of destiny, and the vicar of fate decides the bridegroom may not be entirely sober... Richmond upon Thames
24 Nov 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Domino's pizza delivery boy falls off his scooter, and one-by-one all the other Domino's pizza boys fall off theirs... Stoke-on-Trent
01 Dec 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the teacher of time is given an apple by the pupils of destiny, and the teacher suspects the kids have been shoplifting in PC World again... Stoke-on-Trent
08 Dec 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as a lolly stick and a Christmas cracker go into a pub, and the barman says "There must be a joke in there somewhere"... Canterbury
15 Dec 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, if you tune in again next week, same time, same place, you'll be in for a real treat, because we won't be here, but we will be back next year... Canterbury
22 Dec 2014
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Cillit Bang of time dissolves the stubborn gravy stain of destiny, and the Glade plug in of eternity perfumes the living room of existence... Hastings
13 Jul 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Julian Assange of time overstays his welcome in the ambassadorial utility room of destiny... Hastings
20 Jul 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the errant nasal hair of time sprouts from the nostril of eternity, and the laughable comb-over of destiny covers the bald spot of existence... St Albans
27 Jul 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the slipperless foot of time stands on the upturned Lego brick of destiny, and the Chilean Merlot of existence stains the newly cleaned Axminster of eternity... St Albans
03 Aug 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the unsaved document of time disappears from the Windows 8 of eternity, and the search history of destiny is deleted from the laptop of existence... Sheffield
10 Aug 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the beer belly of timeflops out of the darts shirt of eternity, and the double chin of destiny ruins the passport photograph of existence... Sheffield
17 Aug 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the solitary skylark of time smacks into the double-glazed conservatory of destiny, and the hidden thrush of hope hops into the S.T.D. clinic of doom... Dorking
30 Nov 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the power hose of time is inadvertently fitter at the colonic hydrotherapy clinic of destiny, and the internal organs of fate are ceremoniously flushed through the bowels of eternity... Dorking
07 Dec 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Persil non-bio of time begins to dissolve the grease mark of eternity, and the filthy Staines of destiny is avoided by the A30 bypass of existence... York
14 Dec 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, I notice that the clock, like a junior Sudoku, has beaten us again... York
21 Dec 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the tourist tat of time is condemned by the trading standards officer of eternity, and the dead donkey of destiny is recycled in the service station sausage of salvation... Blackpool
28 Dec 2015
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the flatulent seagull of fate alights upon the open-topped Daihatsu of destiny, and the hung-over hen party of hindsight seeks out the morning-after pill of penitence... Blackpool
04 Jan 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the silicone implants of time light up the Ladies' Day of destiny, and the fake-tanned footballer of fate surreptitiously pees into the pint pot of posterity... Liverpool
27 Jun 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the pool attendant of time holds aloft the fishing net of fate, while the hot tub of hope has been cleared by the toddler's turd of eternity... Liverpool
04 Jul 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the vicious wind of time whistled up the real Scotsman's kilt of eternity, and the scrotal sac of serenity puckers beneath the sporran of existence... Glasgow
11 Jul 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the deep-fried pizza slice of time is coated with the salt and sauce of serendipity, and the pie supper of posterity narrows the aorta of eternity... Glasgow
18 Jul 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the tarnished Tarmac of time is furtively fly-tipped by the cowboy builder of beligerence, while the mouldering mattress of mortality pisses off the persistent picnicers of penitence... Southend
25 Jul 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the gippy tummy of time confronts the partially thawed prawn of pestilence, and the Imodium of immortality is powerless to prevent the dastardly diarrhoea of destiny... Southend
01 Aug 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the inebriated squaddie of time is ejected from the Wetherspoon's of destiny, and the disgruntled minicab driver of fate instigates the soiling charge of eternity... Colchester
14 Nov 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the tangerine spray tan of time creosotes the facial features of fate, and the twinkling Swarovski crystals of dreams are stapled to the dazzling vajazzle of destiny [we're off to Sugar Hut, and Tim's buying Not broadcast]... Colchester
21 Nov 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the impatient road haulier of time launches the yellow lemonade bottle of desperation towards the hard shoulder of despair, and the pancaked badger of indignity delights the school minibus of desdain... Wolverhampton
28 Nov 2016
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the small black pastic bag of time is left hanging on the evergreen of eternity, and the park keeper of penitence bad-mouths the labradoodle of destiny... Wolverhampton
05 Dec 2016
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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