ISIHAC Games - Humph's Closing Gems

At the end of most editions of the BBC Radio 4 panel game I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, the chairman, Humphrey Lyttelton, will make a witty conclusion to the show. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

Well, all good things must come to an end, and so must this programme...
...and with the big hand pointing upwards and my little hand pointing towards my digital watch, I notice that it is time to go...	Edinburgh 13 Nov 1993
...and with the big hand pointing upwards and my little hand pointing towards my digital watch, I notice that it is time to go...	ISIHAC 2, Side 3
Well, they do say that time flies when you're having fun, and to prove it I notice my sundial has stopped...	Windsor 28 May 1994
Ladies and gentlemen, as Wee Willie begins the frantic search for his winkie, I notice that we've run out of time...	Windsor 04 Jun 1994
Well, with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake...	02 Jul 1994
Well, with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake...	ISIHAC 2, Side 2
Well, a quick glance at the time tells me that it's fast coming up to eighty-one hundred hours, which means, of course, that I've put my digital watch on upside-down again...	Bath 05 Nov 1994
Ladies and gentlemen, one glance at my diver's watch tells me that he's probably drowned...	Bath 12 Nov 1994
Well, as I see the sands of time are being washed by the Tide of eternity, it's time to decide whether it's kinder on coloured fabrics than our usual brand...	West End 19 Nov 1994
Well, as the burnished chariot of fate is wheeled-clamped by the traffic warden of eternity...	West End 26 Nov 1994
...and so, as we rapidly approach the bus stop of the Apocalypse, I notice that the Four Horsemen have all come along at the same time...	Chester 03 Dec 1994
...and so, as the vanquished charwoman of time begins to Shake'N'Vac the shagpile of eternity...	Chester 10 Dec 1994
...and so, as I notice the eternal flame of hope has just been put out by the fire officer of destiny with the sand bucket of fate...	Brighton 27 May 1995
...and so, as the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles towards the abbatoir of destiny...	Brighton (d?) 03 Jun 1995
...and so, as the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles towards the abbatoir of destiny...	ISIHAC 3, Side 3
...and so, as the Rock of Ages is cleft in twain by the karate chop of fate, I notice it has 'Souvenir of Watford' written all the way through it...	Watford 10 Jun 1995
...and so, as the frisky tom-cat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity...	Watford 17 Jun 1995
...and so, as the frisky tom-cat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity...	ISIHAC 3, Side 2
...and so, as the privatised utility of time meets the Nolan Enquiry of eternity, and the Rob Andrew of life meets the Jonah Lomu of destiny...	Radio Theatre, London 24 Jun 1995
...and so, as the little white dot of eternity shrinks into the middle of the TV screen of destiny, while outside os parked the detector van of the Apocalypse, I see that it's time to blame the dog for eating the licence again...	Radio Theatre, London 01 Jul 1995
...and so, as time's winged chariot hurries us off the airwaves, my mind turns to metaphysical thoughts, and the words of the great John Dunn - "That's all for now. Join me at the same time tomorrow here on Radio 2"...	Hackney 11 Nov 1995
...and so, as the labrador puppy of time scampers off with the toilet roll of destiny, it's time to bid the whining little child of show-business adieu once more...	Hackney 18 Nov 1995
...and so, as the sand castles of destiny are washed away by the incoming tide of time, it is clear that the grim deck-chair attendant of doom will shortly be upon us...	Harrogate 25 Nov 1995
...and so, as the boiling water of time collides with the sweet and sour instant pot snack of fate, I notice that the tomato sauce sachet of destiny has been accidentally left inside...	Harrogate 02 Dec 1995
...and so, as the still-warm seat of eternity is lifted by the charlady of time, before she brandishes aloft the Toilet Duck of destiny...	Stratford-Upon- Avon 09 Dec 1995
...and so, as the still-warm seat of eternity is lifted by the charlady of time, before she brandishes aloft the Toilet Duck of destiny...	ISIHAC 3, Side 3
...and so, as the dandruff of time is confronted by the Head And Shoulders of destiny, and the single sock of fate succumbs to the twin-tub of eternity...	Stratford-Upon- Avon 16 Dec 1995
...and so, as the little Andrex puppy of time scampers onto the busy dual carriageway of destiny, and the extra strong meat vindaloo of fate confronts the 'Toilet Out Of Order' sign of eternity...	Brighton 01 Jun 1996
...and so, as the plastic duck of destiny has been sunk by the loofah of fate, and Old Father Time has gone wrinkly in the bath water of eternity, it must be time to pick out the short hairs of hope from the plug hole of infinity...	Brighton 08 Jun 1996
...and so, as the wheelie-bin of time is hoist aloft by the dustman of fate, and the broken egg shells of despair are scattered down the front path of destiny, it must be time to regret not tipping him better...	Richmond-Upon- Thames 15 Jun 1996
...and so, as the relentless juggernaut of time runs over the final hedgehog of hope, and the last traffic cone of fate is removed from the student bedsit of destiny...	Richmond-Upon- Thames 22 Jun 1996
...and so, as the Qualcast mower of time cuts through the electric flex of destiny...	Cheltenham 29 Jun 1996
...and so, as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair...	Cheltenham 06 Jul 1996
...and so, as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair...	ISIHAC 4, Side 1
...and so, as the Pete Best of time picks up the redundancy notice of eternity, and the Trevor Jordash of fate glimpses the garden patio of destiny...	Liverpool 09 Nov 1996
...and so, as the fluff-ball of time pops out of the navel of destiny, and the nylon underpants of fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of despair...	Liverpool 16 Nov 1996
...and so, as the fluff-ball of time pops out of the navel of destiny, and the nylon underpants of fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of despair...	ISIHAC 4, Side 3
...and so, as the loose-bowelled pigeon of time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed minicab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity...	Northampton 23 Nov 1996
...and so, as the loose-bowelled pigeon of time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed minicab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity...	ISIHAC 4, Side 2
...and so, as the salad fork of time lifts aloft the hidden slug of fate towards the open mouth of eternity, and the hibernating tortoise of hope explodes in the microwave of infinity...	Northampton 30 Nov 1996
...and so, as the eternal flame of time licks hungily around the Eurotunnel freight wagon of destiny, and the three bar electric fire of fate topples into the bubble bath of human dreams...	Cambridge 07 Dec 1996
...and so, as the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW Beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny...	Cambridge 14 Dec 1996
...and so, as the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW Beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny...	ISIHAC 3, Side 4
...and so, as the twin buttocks of time struggle onto the photocopier of eternity, and the tipsy secretary of fate fends off the managing director of destiny...	1996 Xmas Special 25 Dec 1996
...and so, as the Neil Hamilton of time meets the Martin Bell of destiny, and the airport extension of life confronts the Swampy of eternity...	Bath 07 Jun 1997
...and so, as the BMX Roadster of time collides with the erratic minicab of fate, and the unprotected crotch of hope slams hard against the crossbar of destiny...	Bath 14 Jun 1997
...and so, as the delinquent teenager of time tastes the fatal alco-pop of eternity...	Brighton 21 Jun 1997
...and so, as Grandfather Time takes an absent-minded swig from Granny Time's denture mug...	Brighton 30 Jun 1997
...and so, as the Spanish trawler net of time ensnares the Dover sole of destiny, and the avenging Cornish crab of fate crawls up the Andalucian trouser leg of eternity...	Canterbury 05 Jul 1997
...and so, as the rare Bengal tiger of time meanders into the cross-hair sights of Prince Philip's fateful pump-action shot gun...	Canterbury 12 Jul 1997
...and so, as Old Father Time is finally traced to an address in Lowestoft by the Child Support Agency worker of destiny...	Wimbledon 08 Nov 1997
...and so, as the sleepy toad of time confronts the whirling hover-mower of destiny, and the unsuspecting dog of complacency cocks a leg at the electric fence of fate...	Wimbledon 15 Nov 1997
...and so, as the absent-minded zookeeper of time scrubs his loo with the startled bush-baby of hope, and the frisky King Penguin of fate approaches the small nun of destiny...	Newcastle 22 Nov 1997
...and so, as the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity...	Islington 06 Dec 1997
...and so, as the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity...	ISIHAC 5, Side 2
...and so, as the spectacular shag of time wheels high over the rock face of eternity, before being sucked into the Pratt & Whitney jet engine of destiny...	Islington 13 Dec 1997
...and so, as the scales of time are confronted by the Vanessa Feltz of eternity, and the cubicle of destiny is selected by the George Michael of fate...	Windsor 28 Apr 1998
...and so, as the plump juicy earwig of time burrows into the uncapped toothpaste of destiny, and the hairy spider of fate lurks hungrily under the toilet seat of eternity...	Windsor 04 May 1998
...and so, as the blue-cagoulled rambler of time confronts the colour blind bull of destiny, and the dead pigeon of fate decomposes in the water tank of eternity...	Leeds 11 May 1998
...and so, as the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate...	Leeds 18 May 1998
...and so, as the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate...	ISIHAC 5, Side 3
...and so, as the Robin Cook of fate wheedles out of the public enquiry of destiny, and the Michael Howard of eternity chokes on his own smug smile of fate...	Southsea 25 May 1998
...and so, as the flatulent skunk of time wanders into the air conditioning system of eternity, and the piranha fish of fate circles hungrily in the bidet of destiny...	Southsea 07 Jun 1998
...and so, as the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate tries to mount the bagpipes of eternity...	Glasgow 07 Dec 1998
...and so, as the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate tries to mount the bagpipes of eternity...	ISIHAC 6, Side 3
...and so, as the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the crunchy fruit-and-nut meusli of destiny...	Cardiff 14 Dec 1998
...and so, as the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the crunchy fruit-and-nut meusli of destiny...	ISIHAC 5, Side 1
...and so, as the red-red-robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snowplough of eternity, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation...	Birmingham 28 Dec 1998
...and so, as the red-red-robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snowplough of eternity, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation...	ISIHAC 5, Side 4
...and so, as the bottom of time falls out of the bin bag of destiny, and the unseen charlady of fate Mr.Sheens the formica tabletop of eternity...	Birmingham 04 Jan 1999
...and so, as the slavering Radio 4 scheduler of time savages the airwaves of eternity, and the popular panel game of hope is axed by the cataclysmic network controller of doom...	Guildford 24 May 1999
...and so, as the pleasant sitting room of time is mutilated by the Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen of destiny...	Guildford 31 May 1999
...and so, as the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate...	Plymouth 08 Jun 1999
...and so, as the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate...	ISIHAC 6, Side 1
...and so, as the Wispa of mortality melts into the upholstery of fate in the overheating Vauxhall of destiny, towing the caravan of doom ahead of the motorway tailback of eternity...	Plymouth 14 Jun 1999
...and so, as the sands of time blow up the trunks of destiny, and the grit of fate lodges uncomfortably in the winkle of despair...	Nottingham 21 Jun 1999
...and so, as the full-moon of time is glimpsed in the rugby coach window of destiny...	York 08 Nov 1999
...and so, as the rare field mouse of time cannons out of the combine harvester of destiny, and the grey squirrel of fate nibbles hungrily at the nuts of eternity...	York 15 Nov 1999
...and so, as the computer-generated dinosaur of time gobbles up the licence fee of eternity...	Milton Keynes 22 Nov 1999
...and so, as the organically-fed pig farm of time defeats the ozone layer of destiny, and the short-sighted Aberdeen Angus of hope attempts to mount the concrete cow of eternity...	Milton Keynes 29 Nov 1999
...and so, as the Wee Willy Winkie of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity...	Greenwich 06 Dec 1999
...and so, as the Wee Willy Winkie of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity...	ISIHAC 6, Side 2
...and so, as the Millennium Bug of fate breeds in the sewage-eating cattle of destiny, and the millennium hype of eternity bores the arse of doom off Old father Time...	Greenwich 13 Dec 1999
...and so, as the two turtle doves of time drown in the fish tank of eternity, and the ten lords-a-leaping blast the partridge of plenty from the pear tree of hope...	1999 Xmas Special 25 Dec 1999
...and so, as the adventurous dung-beetle of time spits out the Pot Noodle of destiny, and the toadstool of fate is plucked out of the startled toad of eternity...	Woking 22 May 2000
...and so, as the short-sighted terrier of time chases the startled stick-insect of hope, and the supple dachshund of fate is knotted by the absent-minded balloon magician of eternity...	Woking 29 May 2000
...and so, as the tide of time laps up against the sewage outflow of destiny, and the wind of change begins to pervade the lift of eternity...	Stoke-On-Trent 05 Jun 2000
...and so, as the Little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the Little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast...	South Bank 19 Jun 2000
...and so, as the Little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the Little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast...	ISIHAC 6, Side 4
...and so, as the David Shayler of time prepares to confront the eternal scales of justice, having long since defeated the bathroom scales of destiny...	Bournemouth 13 Nov 2000
...and so, as the cricket ball of time is whacked firmly by the bat of fate, and the wincing cricket of destiny pleads with the bat to stop...	Bournemouth 20 Nov 2000
...and so, as the elegant swan of time glides onto the bank of destiny, while the rescue dinghy of hope crashes into the first floor of the Post Office...	Coventry 27 Nov 2000
...and so, as the La-La of time plays with the Tinky-Winky of destiny, and the Dipsy of fate sits on the Po of eternity...	Coventry 04 Dec 2000
...and so, as the sleeping princess of time lies undisturbed on the pea of fate, thanks to the rubber bedsheet of eternity...	High Wycombe 11 Dec 2000
...and so, as the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity...	High Wycombe 18 Dec 2000
...and so, as the actress of time said to the bishop of destiny, "That's that finished again for another week!"...	Reading 28 May 2001
...and so, as the PC of time crashes on the superhighway of fate, and the sergeant of doom takes his bent panda car away...	Reading 04 Jun 2001
...and so, as the hot custard of time dribbles down the spotted dick of destiny, and the clumsy nurse of fate is deafened by the screaming patient of eternity...	Sheffield 11 Jun 2001
...and so, as the Mr.Sheens of time sprays over the coffee table of fate, while the Mrs.Sheens of destiny quickly ushers him out of Habitat...	Sheffield 18 Jun 2001
...and so, as the short-sighted stick insect of time attempts to mate with the left over Twiglet of fate, and the laughing hyena of eternity is silenced by the Joe Pasquale of doom...	Norwich 25 Jun 2001
...and so, as the golf ball of time rolls down the rabbit hole of destiny, and the half-eaten Mars bar of fate melts forgotten in the pocket of my new cricket whites...
...and so, as the irritating caraway seed of fate is removed by the dental floss of destiny...
...and so, as the frisky goose of time is formally reported by the angry waitress of destiny...	Wolverhampton 12 Nov 2001
...and so, as the jersey of time is tumble-dried with the Comfort of eternity, and the farmer of destiny wonders how his cow got into the washing machine...	Wolverhampton 19 Nov 2001
...and so, as the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger Dentufix...	Brighton 26 Nov 2001
...and so, as the Ann Robinson of time says 'Goodbye' to the weakest link of fate, and the house-brick of doom hurtles through the TV screen of eternity...	Brighton 03 Dec 2001
...and so, as the greyhound of destiny savages the electric rabbit of fate, and the manager of Mothercare chases the greyhound out of the shop...	Bristol 10 Dec 2001
...and so, as the squirrel of time nibbles on the nuts of eternity, while the irritated bulldog of destiny tries to shake him off...	Bristol 10 Dec 2001
...and so, as the Argentinian boot stud of time confronts the second meta-tarsel of eternity, and the England squad of uncertainty goes out in the second round of inevitability...	Bradford 20 May 2002
...and so, as the frozen cod pieces of time are plunged into the boiling oil of destiny, before the Shakespearean actors of fate ask for the male doctor at the burns unit of eternity...	Bradford 27 May 2002
...and so, as the rabbits of time munch their way through the maize of eternity, while the Hampton Court of destiny calls in the pest controllers of doom...	Leicester 03 Jun 2002
...and so, as the visually-impaired hairdresser of time waves cheerio to the Gary Rhodes of eternity...	Leicester 10 Jun 2002
...and so, as the Greg Dyke of time cuts the crap of destiny...	Hastings 17 Jun 2002
...well, as the smouldering embers of time fade peacefully in the brazierre of eternity...	1994 Xmas Special Compilation 25 Dec 1994
...well, as the Father Christmas of time gleefully reads the cards in the telephone box of eternity...	2001 Xmas Special 24 Dec 2001
We've reached the moment that never fails to bring a lump to the eye and a tear to the throat...	11 Mar 1989
...and so, as the mushroom gatherer of time plucks the toadstool of destiny, and the toad of doom croaks with pain...	Malvern 18 Nov 2002
...and so, as the delicate young deer fawn of time sups at the clear spring water of destiny, and the manager of Waitrose boots it up the arse of fate...	Malvern 25 Nov 2002
...and so, as the proud sea captain of time casts off on the liner of fate, and the first mate of destiny thanks him for knitting him the cardigan of eternity...	Blackpool 02 Dec 2002
...and so, as the Dentufix of time gently secures the top set of destiny, before it's ripped out by the Wurther's Original of doom...	Blackpool 09 Dec 2002
...and so, as the butler of time eagerly rifles through the drawers of fate, the Princess of Destiny suggests he might let her take them off first...	Sadler's Wells 16 Dec 2002
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the end of the show, and indeed the series. Well, what a series it's been, providing so many memories that will never leave me...at least, not without a long course of expensive therapy...	Sadler's Wells 23 Dec 2002
...well, that's all the extracts we have time for. Samantha is collecting the tapes, and putting them away safely with all the other items to go into the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue time capsule. This will be buried deep under Broadcasting House where it might be rediscovered by someone in the future, who will doubtless be delighted by the naivety of the simple humour from a distant, bygone age...when it's dug up in two or three months time...	2002 Xmas Special Compilation 30 Dec 2002
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the three-toed sloth of time dozes in the rainforest of eternity, and the three toads decide to make good their escape...	Darlington 26 May 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the orchestra of eternity prepares to enter the Albert Hall of fate, and Albert Hall decides it's time he got a proper job...	Darlington 02 Jun 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the Steve Davis of time clambers over the table of eternity to reach for another red, and the wine waiter of destiny asks him to leave the restaurant...	Buxton 09 Jun 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the crocodile of time attacks the Australian of hope, and the primary school teacher of eternity tells them not to be so rude to tourists...	Buxton 16 Jun 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the hamster of time spins round on the wheel of eternity, and the lorry driver of fate makes a mental note to scrape it off later...	Torquay 23 Jun 2003
...well, I notice it's the end of the show, and indeed the end of another series. Yes, I don't mind telling you it's at times like these that my emotions can get the better of me, and I can sometimes find a tear forming in my eye...sheer joy and relief often have that effect...	Torquay 30 Jun 2003
...and so, as the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity...	ISIHAC 7, Side 1
...and so, as the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger Dentufix...	ISIHAC 7, Side 2
...and so, as the squirrel of time nibbles on the nuts of eternity, while the irritated bulldog of destiny tries to shake him off...	ISIHAC 7, Side 3
...and so ladies and gentlemen, I notice it's the end of the show, and indeed, the series, and there are but few words that can express how I feel at that news although 'Yee' and 'Haa' would seem to fit the bill nicely...	ISIHAC 7, Side 4
...Ladies and gentlemen, it's very hard to believe that we've come to the end of our show. It's even harder to believe that we shall be back again at the same time next week...	12 Oct 1987
Well, one glance at my neighbourhood watch...tells me I've been burgled...	25 Jun 1994
...and so, as the twin buttocks of time struggle onto the photocopier of eternity, and the tipsy secretary of fate fends off the managing director of destiny...	1995 Xmas Special 25 Dec 1995
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the end of the show, and indeed the series. Well, what a series it's been, providing so many memories that will never leave me...at least, not without a long course of expensive therapy...	ISIHAC 8, Side 1
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the hamster of time spins round on the wheel of eternity, and the lorry driver of fate makes a mental note to scrape it off later...	ISIHAC 8, Side 2
...and so, as the Dentufix of time gently secures the top set of destiny, before it's ripped out by the Wurther's Original of doom...	ISIHAC 8, Side 3
...and so, as the visually-impaired hairdresser of time waves cheerio to the Gary Rhodes of eternity...	ISIHAC 8, Side 4
...and so, as the bride of time is led down the aisle of fate, before the manager of Tesco's points out they don't do wedding ceremonies...	Winchester 17 Nov 2003
...and so, as the actress of time and the bishop of fate go into the pub of destiny, and the landlord of eternity says "Is this some kind of joke?"...	Winchester 24 Nov 2003
...and so, as the coal face of time is hewn by the miner of destiny, and the colliery manager of fate is arrested for employing under-age labour...	Eastbourne 01 Dec 2003
...and so, as the moose of time is blasted by the marksman of eternity, and the manager of the dairy department goes to get a mop...	Eastbourne 15 Dec 2003
...and so, as the guardsman of time strokes the bearskin of eternity, and the sergeant major of fate orders him back to the barracks to put some clothes on...	Leeds 08 Dec 2003
...and so, as the trawlermen of time pick the cod of hope out of the fishnets of fate, and then the haddock of happiness out of the frilly panties of despair...	Leeds 22 Dec 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the hamster of time spins round on the wheel of eternity, and the lorry driver of fate makes a mental note to scrape it off later...	Best of ISIHAC 2003 29 Dec 2003
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the nuts of time roast gently before the fireplace of eternity, and the plump bird of fate receives the stuffing of a lifetime...	2003 Xmas Special 25 Dec 2003
...and so, as the little Andrex puppy of time scampers onto the busy dual carriageway of destiny, and the extra strong meat vindaloo of fate confronts the 'Toilet Out Of Order' sign of eternity...	Best Of ISIHAC 2/3 13 Apr 1998
...and so, as the fluff-ball of time pops out of the navel of destiny, and the nylon underpants of fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of despair...	Best Of ISIHAC 3/3 20 Apr 1998
...and so, as the leathery sole of time is hammered by the cobbler of destiny, before the waiter of hope offers to take it back to the kitchen for him...	Dartford 31 May 2004
...and now, ladies and gentlemen, before we end the show, I'm advised that there have been some complaints from listeners about a short break in transmission. We really are very sorry - it wasn't nearly long enough...	Belfast 14 Jun 2004
...and so, as the boiling water of fate is poured over the ant of time, and the insecticide of destiny is sprayed over the dec of doom...	Belfast 21 Jun 2004
...well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end the show. If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme, please write to the BBC Helpdesk, Broadcasting House, London, taking care to mark your envelope 'basket case'...	Salford 28 Jun 2004
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, I notice it's the end of the show, and sooner than any of could imagine, it's the end of another series, and how poignant it is to reflect back on the six weeks of wild applause and gales of laughter...the teams had hoped to get...	Salford 05 Jul 2004
...and so, as the Finger-of-Fudge of time gives the Kids of destiny a treat they'll never forget, and the aniseed balls of fate shatter the teeth of eternity...	Dominic Fortes
...and so, as the speed camera of time issues the fixed penalty fine of destiny, and the driver of fate extends the middle digit of eternity...	Dominic Fortes
...and so, as the Millennium footbridge of time sways precariously in the gentle breeze of destiny, and the pedestrian of fate holds on grimly for dear life...	Dominic Fortes
...and so, as the little Dutch boy of destiny sticks his finger in the dyke of fate, and the former BBC Director General asks him not to...	Basingstoke 06 Dec 2004
It's time now to end the show, but first I've been asked to make a short announcement. We understand from the theatre management that there have been complaints that certain members of the audience couldn't hear the show. Our sincere apologies go to anyone who was unable to swop seats with them...	Basingstoke 13 Dec 2004
...and so, as the twin buttocks of time struggle onto the photocopier of eternity, and the tipsy secretary of fate fends off the managing director of destiny...	I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
...well, as the Father Christmas of time gleefully reads the cards in the telephone box of eternity...	I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue
...and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of this week's show, but if you missed any of the broadcast, tuned in late, or have only just switched on, then you can visit the BBC web site, where there full, easy to follow instructions...on how to read a wristwatch...	Hull 20 Dec 2004
...OK, ladies and gentlemen, before we end the show, I have to advise the listeners that BBC Radio has an audience reaction phone line. Anyone who's enjoyed the show and wishes to register their comments can ring 08700 100 222. Alternatively, if you have any complaints or criticisms of the show...then you can shut your face!	Hull 03 Jan 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the cowboy of time surveys the range of infinity, and the housewife of doom is shocked by a bill of 90 quid an hour to fix the cooker of fate...	Tunbridge Wells 10 Jan 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series. However, we know that there are a number of loyal listeners that tune in to repeats of the show over on BBC7, and we'd like to say a personal thanks to all of them, so Thankyou, Thankyou, Thankyou...	Tunbridge Wells 17 Jan 2005
...as the housewife of time adjusts her lipstick in the mirror of destiny, and the cyclist of fate disappears under her speeding four-by-four...	Ipswich 30 May 2005
...as the fluffy new-born chick of hope tumbles from the egg shell of life and splashes into the hot frying pan of doom...	Rhyl 13 Jun 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and you must agree, it certainly ticked all the boxes - particularly those marked 'terrible' and 'rubbish'...	Rhyl 20 Jun 2005
...as the runaway stallion of time attempts to mount the reluctant mare of fate, and the town council meeting has to be halted for the day...	Oxford 27 Jun 2005
...well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed the end of the series, but there'll be another one later in the year, so there's something to look forward to...the end of another series...	Oxford 04 Jul 2005
...and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the lone piper of time appears at the gates of dawn, and Dawn throws open the window and tells him where to stick his bagpipes...	Edinburgh 01 Sep 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the hoodie of time is roughly ejected from the Lakeside of eternity, and the Benedictine Monk complains he only wanted to buy a new pair of sandals...	London Palladium 14 Nov 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the meatball of time congeals in the gravy of destiny, and the swede of fate is mashed in the queue to get out of Ikea...	London Palladium 21 Nov 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the lemmings of fate run over the crumbling cliff of eternity, and the Shadows try to shoo them off...	Brighton 28 Nov 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the larva of time eats into the Granny Smith of eternity, and the Smith family make a note not to take her up Vesuvius again...	Brighton 05 Dec 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the binge drinkers of time stagger from the pub of eternity, before taking the controls of the jumbo jet of destiny...	Harrogate 19 Dec 2005
...well, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series. And what a mighty roller-coaster of a series it's been...in the sense that roller-coasters always make me feel sick...	Harrogate 26 Dec 2005
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the grandfather of time passes peacefully away in his sleep, while his 350 passengers scream in terror...	Bristol 22 May 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the penguins of time relieve themselves on the iceberg of eternity, and the greengrocer of destiny boots them out of the door...	Bristol 29 May 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the Humpty Dumpty of time falls off the wall of fate, and the wall owner of destiny is served the personal injuries claim of doom...	Birmingham 05 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the song of time is sung for the supper of destiny by Little Tommy Tucker, and the censor of doom cuts the second line...	Birmingham 12 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the flaming meteorite of time smashes into the mighty comet of fate, and two hundred quids worth of washing machines are destroyed...	Halifax 19 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series, but I'll run through all the high points of the last six weeks in a moment. Actually, it won't take nearly as long as that...	Halifax 26 Jun 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the lumberjack of time plunges his axe into the redwood of doom, and the Conservative member for Wokingham gets all he deserves...	Southport 13 Nov 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the smoker of time steps outside for the cigarette of fate, and learns how dangerous smoking is if you step out of a cable car...	Southport 20 Nov 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the 4x4 of destiny on the level crossing of fate, stalls in the path of the speeding freight train of doom, and the signalman of time rushes to fetch his camera...	Victoria Palace 27 Nov 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the milkman of time leaves a pint on the doorstep of eternity, and the policeman of doom arrests him for urinating in public...	Victoria Palace 04 Dec 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the thermometer of destiny drops below the freezing point of fate, and the Geordie lad of time slips on the sleeveless T-shirt of eternity...	Sunderland 11 Dec 2006
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show, and indeed this series. And what could be worse news than that? Well, there'll be another series in the spring...	Sunderland 18 Dec 2006
We've reached the moment that never fails to bring a lump to the eye and a tear to the throat...	29 Jan 1990
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the cyclist of time jumps the red light of fate, and the brothel keeper of doom throws his bike out after him...	London Coliseum 04 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the ink cartridge of time is rammed into the printer of destiny, and the printer finds he can't sit down...	London Coliseum 11 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the florist of time takes a daffodil out of her vase, and the greengrocer of fate takes a leek out of his window...	Cardiff 18 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, we must end the show, but first I have to advise any listeners who may want information about the programme, or wish to post comments on the message board, they can go to www.don'tyouhaveanyfriendsatall.com, where there's a list of councillors who may be able to assist...	Cardiff 25 Jun 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the goldfish of time swims round the bowl of fate, before being flushed round the U-bend of eternity...	Wimbledon 02 Jul 2007
...and with that, ladies & gentlemen, it's the end of the show and indeed the end of this series. And, what a marvellous time I've had...reading that previous sentence...	Wimbledon 09 Jul 2007
...that, ladies & gentlemen, is the end of the show, but before we go I'm required to make an apology. We very much regret that the trailer for this programme appeared to make Her Majesty the Queen look grumpy, impatient and sour-faced. This was due to a failure in our editing process...we didn't do any...	Croydon 12 Nov 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the playful puppy of time bounds after the toilet tissue of destiny, and the handle of fate flushes him round the U-bend of doom...	Croydon 19 Nov 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the South African prop forward of time goes into touch, and the English hooker of fate explains she charges extra for that...	Manchester 26 Nov 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the drunken sailor of time relieves himself into the dock of fate, and the magistrate adds an extra three months for contempt of court...	Manchester 03 Dec 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the cabinet minister of time addresses the House of destiny, and the dodgy builder of fate bungs him another couple of grand...	Peterborough 10 Dec 2007
...ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the show and indeed this series. I'd really like to say how much I've enjoyed it, but I'm not allowed to before 9pm...	Peterborough 17 Dec 2007
...and so, ladies & gentlemen, as the chill wind of time carries aloft the solitary snowflake of destiny, and Network South East closes down for the week...	Humph In Wonderland 25 Dec 2007
...as the fluffy new-born chick of hope tumbles from the egg shell of life and splashes into the hot frying pan of doom...	ISIHAC 9, Side 1
...well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end the show. If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme, please write to the BBC Helpdesk, Broadcasting House, London, taking care to mark your envelope 'basket case'...	ISIHAC 9, Side 2
...as the housewife of time adjusts her lipstick in the mirror of destiny, and the cyclist of fate disappears under her speeding four-by-four...	ISIHAC 9, Side 4

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The ISIHAC
Humph's Closing Gems Page

Last Updated
06 Jan 2008

The ISIHAC Humph's Closing Gems Page

Last Updated06 Jan 2008

The ISIHAC
Humph's Closing Gems Page

Last Updated
06 Jan 2008