The ISIHAC
Correspondence Page
Last Updated
26 Jul 2007

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds requires the teams to improvise the letters of two famous historical figures who corresponded with one another in a series of letters, alternating one word at a time. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

Correspondees:

Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (original) Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (reply)
Burke & Hare (original) Burke & Hare (reply)
Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (original) Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (reply)
Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (original) Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (reply)
David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (original) David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (reply)
David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (original) David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (reply)
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (original) Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (reply)
Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (original) Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (reply)
Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (original) Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (reply)
Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (original) Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (reply)
Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (original) Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (reply)
Galileo & The Pope (original) Galileo & The Pope (reply)
God & Adam 1 (original) God & Adam 1 (reply)
God & Adam 2 (original) God & Adam 2 (reply)
God & Noah (original) God & Noah (reply)
Goliath's Agent & Goliath (original) Goliath's Agent & Goliath (reply)
Henry VIII & Catherine of Aragon (original) Henry VIII & Catherine of Aragon (reply)
Henry VIII & The Pope (original) Henry VIII & The Pope (reply)
Julius Caesar & Cleopatra (original) Julius Caesar & Cleopatra (reply)
King Arthur & Merlin (original) King Arthur & Merlin (reply)
King Harold & William The Conqueror (original) King Harold & William The Conqueror (reply)
Lady Hamilton & Lord Nelson (original) Lady Hamilton & Lord Nelson (reply)
Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa (original) Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa (reply)
Mary Queen Of Scots & Elizabeth I (original) Mary Queen Of Scots & Elizabeth I (reply)
Neville Chamberlain & Adolf Hitler (original) Neville Chamberlain & Adolf Hitler (reply)
Oliver Cromwell & Charles I (original) Oliver Cromwell & Charles I (reply)
Queen Victoria & Prince Albert (original) Queen Victoria & Prince Albert (reply)
Queen Victoria & John Brown (original) Queen Victoria & John Brown (reply)
Richard III & The Little Princes (original) Richard III & The Little Princes (reply)
Robin Hood & the Sheriff of Nottingham (original) Robin Hood & the Sheriff of Nottingham (reply)
The Two Princes in the Tower & Richard III (original) The Two Princes in the Tower & Richard III (reply)
Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 1 (original) Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 1 (reply)
Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 2 (original) Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 2 (reply)
Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I (original) Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I (reply)
William Tell & his Son (original) William Tell & his Son (reply)
Winston Churchill & Charles De Gaulle (original) Winston Churchill & Charles De Gaulle (reply)

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Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (original)

[ Dear George,

I have not been in Ireland for a very long time, but I still think in Irish. You probably have thought in American or some other strange thing. You may hear about a quarter of the world which is under canvas. However, the world needs someone like you or someone like fecking me so therefore might I say give us your fecking credentials {???unreadable} I would be so thrilled.

Yours sincerely,
Bob.

Not broadcast] 		Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (reply)

[ Dear Blob,

{???unreadable} {???unreadable} {???unreadable} Thanks for your letter which I have before me. As we realised what you are trying to do to the country as a whole and we think that it's a whole priority of our two endeavour suddenly to achieve an ultimate allieviuration of the problems in which we find our selves to be, although some people think, say and I am sure I agree with them that we owe should together work for allieviuration of the global politurisation which engulfs and overcomes and challenges although we also realise that we alone can do before the ultimate time of next allieviuration day.

Yours sinceriously,
George Dubya Bush.

Not broadcast] 		Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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Burke & Hare (original)

Dear Hare,

I would like to offer you some time when we are alone, and we are up in the attic with a chest and a leg of lamb which I find very tasty indeed. Sometimes, I like to [ nip out to a butchers to get a leg of lamb, but I often find that it's run out and it's time to get a body from the butchers which is a grave, so we would Not broadcast] go to the grave yard and with a shovel [ we will Not broadcast] dig a body out of the grave [ and we will send it to the first person who has seen a corpse, Not broadcast] which means that you will have to cook some legs and some arms and some feet and some eyes and some heads and some hair and some little pieces of knees which are best served cold. Yours are the coldest knees I have ever seen. All good people wish you good-day and love from [ me and Not broadcast] Burke.

 Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Burke & Hare (reply)

Dear Burke,

I received this letter this morning, which I will tell you I was utterly disgusted with.

Your sincerely felt lack of principal considering the time that we have been together in this enterprise, [ which we both realise independantly and questioningly and Not broadcast] nevertheless I would like to point out that we must, repeat must, on no condition [ will this letter Not broadcast] be revealed to any people other than our selves. Therefore, yours is colder than mine, but nevertheless I keep thinking of you fondly every time I open the fridge wherein hangs a tail and antlers, hooves and fetlocks which I rather think you should come round and examine yourself.

Much love,
Hare.

 Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (original)

[ Dear Archbishop,

We would like to give you some warning that we might soon discover a reason for living. This is quite interesting, because I believe that we are evolving something shocking. However, you might not think that this is so. Well, I will prove to you that the monkeys are our best descendants and the best of the monkeys is the one called Bonzo. Bonzo is quite a friendly monkey, in fact he is sitting on my knee as we write. However, Bonzo and his bottom, big though it is, is not anywhere near as I thought, so just in case you don't get the message, I am stating the obvious.

Yours sincerely,
Charles Darwin.

Not broadcast] 		Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (reply)

[ Dear me!

When I received your letter this morning, I thought to myself 'What the Dickens is this all about?' Furthermore, I thought monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! Is it conceivable that this man could possibly believe that monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! are the antecedants of the human species, and furthermore, I always am wary of anyone who calls me a charlatan, just because it is true. Therefore, I will write to you and say to you that these monkeys?! Monkeys?!!, I repeat MONKEYS?!!! will be never seen in this church ever, repeat ever, repeat MONKEYS?!!!

Yours,
Cantua.

Not broadcast] 		Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (original)

Dear Archbishop,

We would like to give you some warning that we might soon discover a reason for living. This is quite interesting, because I believe that we are evolving something shocking. However, you might not think that this is so. Well, I will prove to you that the monkeys are our best descendants and the best of the monkeys is the one called Bonzo. Bonzo is quite a friendly monkey, in fact he is sitting on my knee as we write. However, Bonzo and his bottom, big though it is, is not anywhere near as I thought, so just in case you don't get the message, I am stating the obvious.

Yours sincerely,
Charles Darwin.

 2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (reply)

Dear me!

When I received your letter this morning, I thought to myself 'What the Dickens is this all about?' Furthermore, I thought monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! Is it conceivable that this man could possibly believe that monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! are the antecedants of the human species, and furthermore, I always am wary of anyone who calls me a charlatan, just because it is true. Therefore, I will write to you and say to you that these monkeys?! Monkeys?!!, I repeat MONKEYS?!!! will be never seen in this church ever, repeat ever, repeat MONKEYS?!!!

Yours,
Cantua.

 2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
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David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (original)

Dear Victoria,

I am having a wonderful time here writing to you, but I wish you were here with me wherever you think I am.

Love from David.

Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
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David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (reply)

Dear Dave,

Thank you for your letter but I do have to insist that you come home immediately, or I will institute a legal and binding yet accommodating order to compel you to return my kaftan and my dictionary.

Yours,
Posh.

Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
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David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (original)

Dear Victoria,

I am having a wonderful time here writing to you, but I wish you were here with me wherever you think I am.

Love from David.

ISIHAC 9, Side 1
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David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (reply)

Dear Dave,

Thank you for your letter but I do have to insist that you come home immediately, or I will institute a legal and binding yet accommodating order to compel you to return my kaftan and my dictionary.

Yours,
Posh.

ISIHAC 9, Side 1
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Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (original)

[ Dear Mr Hyde,

I wonder if you would like to come and see the old result of my test. It is really very interesting, although I have to ask you when you gave me this chemical, did you realise how dangerous it was, because I have just been drinking it and I feel not very well, so do you [full-stop]

Yours sincerely,
Dr Jekyll.

Not broadcast] 		Brighton
28 Nov 2005
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Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (reply)

[ Dear Dr Jekyll,

Who said that I was in today, because you always write to me in this form because I or {??unreadable} time before will have no compunction in sueing you for breach of trousers, and do you think I have taken leave of my senses just because I failed to sue the council because they put stuff in my water which has caused my immediate hairyness and bad breath and aggressive loss of mental stability. What do you intend doing about this?

Yours sincerely,
Mr W [full-stop]

Not broadcast] 		Brighton
28 Nov 2005
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Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (original)

Dear me!

I am afraid that I was thinking [ of something else when I should have been writing to you. Therefore, let's start again, and I hope you will receive this letter in enough time for a reply first class. I was thinking Not broadcast] you would like to come and see Celebrity Big Jessie, who will perform for us tomorrow some way or other, [ yet I hope that it will be ameniable to you to partake of this entertainment. In passing, we, that is two of, Not broadcast] however, we, you and the Dalek hordes, could possible assemble and charge the Celebrity Big Jessies and thereby cause the war that exists to cease, and we could all restore peace to the Borough of Milton Keynes.

Your old chum,
Who.

 Southport
13 Nov 2006
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Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (reply)

Dear Doctor,

I am very happy to make your acquaintence, however I have plans for destruction of your patio, which is very ugly and badly constructed. You are annoying and [ a very bad {???unreadable}. Not broadcast] I am going to wreck your parasol and shed while I am refashioning all your outside barbeque which smells of pork and lard which stinks to high heaven. [ {???unreadable} have no {???unreadable} How -ever, not?? never??, {???unreadable} Not broadcast]

Lots of love and kisses and hugs and feelings from front to back. I am going to e-x-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-t-e by act of vengeance.

Love from Davros. That is Bobby Davros.

 Southport
13 Nov 2005
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Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (original)

[ Dear Richard,

I would like to see you in the black jumper which I wore for a short black man, because he was asking me to go with him down to the black, slow, black {???unreadable} black bobbing black {???unreadable} as black and really black, no really, really, really, really black. Blacker than real black. Black as a very black cat on a black hat surrounded by black and even blacker bits of cloth. So would you please come to see my house, where I have a large box which houses a small and round black gun. I wish to say goodbye, and show you my black play.

Yours sincerely,
Dylan Thomas.

Not broadcast] 		Halifax
19 Jun 2006
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Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (reply)

[ Dear Dylan,

I was walking down the Black Wall Tunnel the other day, when I saw a large, black envelope which came from you, and opening it I saw immediately that it was a black letter composed by you, inviting me to attend your book launch at my local convenience. Therefore, immediately I decided to say that I would be delighted, nay overjoyed, to attend the aforementioned event, therefore I will enclose this postal order for three and six pence to defray the cost of hiring the convenience which you mentioned.

Finally, I would like to sing, but alas I have lost my voice. So finally I must close with the quotation from the Bard himself, where he wrote on the paper before him that lovely mood piece entitled "Goodbye."

Yours,
Richard Burton.

Not broadcast] 		Halifax
19 Jun 2005
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Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (original)

Dear William,

We notice that you are writing several plays which are very rude. We think that sometimes rude -ness is not very nice. However, methinks I should be decapitating or torturing in the large prison which I have built especially for this occurence. Please inform us briefly of your decision.

Signed,
Elizabeth Bigitup I.

 Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
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Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (reply)

Dear Betty,

I am overwhelmed by your letter, and I would like to take this opportunity of writing this letter back to you.

My word, isn't this weather bloody awful, but we must keep going, mustn't we? Writing this play I am involved in creating a world of fantasy and escape, and furthermore, of delight. Not as you might know a play that I wrote previously which I consider very controversial because in that play I wrote a character called Hamlet, Ponce Of Denmark, and he was a... indecisive and hesitant, although he often couldn't make up his mind. Why, I ask myself? Well, I reply, and hoping this finds you as it leaves me.

Yours,
Will Shakespeare.

 Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
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Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (original)

Dear Lord Cardy,

I hope you are well and wish [ you nothing but good fortune as I think I have got to go to the chemist for some aspirins because I have run up a big bill at Boots and I feel I should go somewhere else. Now, I want Not broadcast] to tell you in deepest, deepest confidence that I plan to start a big family. This is not what I intended to do, but I just didn't plan this thing at the time of the planning. If you are getting horny at the thought of me having a baby, then you could be coming with a large set of pliers for a visit to the sumptious and yet strangely cold and yet strangely inviting place that I call home. If you don't come to see me I will kill my self.

Yours lovingly,
Florence.

 Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
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Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (reply)

Dear Nightingale,

I am furious at your letter because it was delivered to me by hand, and it contained the news that you were intending to produce a large family. Therefore I intend to sue you because I was very concerned to find that I am pregnant. [ Keep taking the tablets which I know you are currently indulging in and please shave {???} whiskers and wear a bow. I see my self in these circumstances Not broadcast] I hope you will soon be learning to fend [ to fend Not broadcast] for five and [ a half Not broadcast] will ensure that you will remain your pristine and pure and unsullied whilst still and continually fresh and somehow debauched yet fragrant although nouche self.

Yours very angrily,
Lord Cardy.

 Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
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Galileo & The Pope (original)

Dear Pope,

How are you? [ Sir Holiness Not broadcast] It is with great sorrow that I have to in- form you that unfortunately your view of the world is false- ly misleading, because I, Galileo, have discovered that the world goes around the sun every few days, so I would like to suggest that you change the religion to my view in the future. Also, God has not been around recently so I suggest that you give it a miss. Also, your niece gives very nice advice about publishing [ so it's with great pleasure that Not broadcast] I sign this letter to you, Galileo Galilei.

P. S. If your doubting mind suggests to you that I am wrong, then you are an arsehole.

 Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
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Galileo & The Pope (reply)

Dear Galileo,

May I suggest that you [ are a naughty boysy because I have heard your philosophy about the world and