The ISIHAC
Correspondence Page

Last Updated
18 Nov 2009

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds requires the teams to improvise the letters of two famous historical figures who corresponded with one another in a series of letters, alternating one word at a time. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)


Correspondees:

Angela Merkel & Silvio Berlosconi (original) Angela Merkel & Silvio Berlosconi (reply)
Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (original) Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (reply)
Burke & Hare (original) Burke & Hare (reply)
Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (original) Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (reply)
Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (original) Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (reply)
Chief Druid of Stonehenge & Wiltshire Planning Department (origina Chief Druid of Stonehenge & Wiltshire Planning Department (reply)<
Dan Brown & Pope Benedict (original) Dan Brown & Pope Benedict (reply)
David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (original) David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (reply)
David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (original) David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (reply)
David Cameron & Nick Clegg 1 (original) David Cameron & Nick Clegg 1 (reply)
David Cameron & Nick Clegg 2 (original) David Cameron & Nick Clegg 2 (reply)
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (original) Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (reply)
Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (original) Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (reply)
Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (original) Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (reply)
Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (original) Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (reply)
Emeline Pankhurst & the Archbishop Of Canterbury (original) Emeline Pankhurst & the Archbishop Of Canterbury (reply)
Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (original) Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (reply)
Galileo & The Pope (original) Galileo & The Pope (reply)
God & Adam 1 (original) God & Adam 1 (reply)
God & Adam 2 (original) God & Adam 2 (reply)
God & Noah (original) God & Noah (reply)
Goliath's Agent & Goliath (original) Goliath's Agent & Goliath (reply)
Henry VIII & Anne Boleyn (original) Henry VIII & Anne Boleyn (reply)
Henry VIII & Catherine of Aragon (original) Henry VIII & Catherine of Aragon (reply)
Henry VIII & The Pope (original) Henry VIII & The Pope (reply)
Hercules Poirot & Miss Marple (original) Hercules Poirot & Miss Marple (reply)
Isambard Kingdom Brunel & Queen Victoria (original) Isambard Kingdom Brunel & Queen Victoria (reply)
James I & Guy Fawkes (original) James I & Guy Fawkes (reply)
John Brown & Queen Victoria (original) John Brown & Queen Victoria (reply)
Joseph & the Holiday Inn, Bethlehem (original) Joseph & the Holiday Inn, Bethlehem (reply)
Josia Wedgwood & King George III (original) Josia Wedgwood & King George III (reply)
Julius Caesar & Boudicca (original) Julius Caesar & Boudicca (reply)
Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 1 (original) Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 1 (reply)
Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 2 (original) Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 2 (reply)
King Arthur & Merlin (original) King Arthur & Merlin (reply)
King Harold & William The Conqueror 1 (original) King Harold & William The Conqueror 1 (reply)
King Harold & William The Conqueror 2 (original) King Harold & William The Conqueror 2 (reply)
King Harold & William The Conqueror 3 (original) King Harold & William The Conqueror 3 (reply)
King Henry VIII & Pope Clement VII (original) King Henry VIII & Pope Clement VII (reply)
Lady Hamilton & Lord Nelson (original) Lady Hamilton & Lord Nelson (reply)
Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 1 (original) Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 1 (reply)
Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 2 (original) Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 2 (reply)
Mary Queen Of Scots & Elizabeth I (original) Mary Queen Of Scots & Elizabeth I (reply)
Napoleon & King George III (original) Napoleon & King George III (reply)
Neville Chamberlain & Adolf Hitler (original) Neville Chamberlain & Adolf Hitler (reply)
Nicholas Sarkozy & Silvio Berlosconi (original) Nicholas Sarkozy & Silvio Berlosconi (reply)
Oliver Cromwell & Charles I (original) Oliver Cromwell & Charles I (reply)
Peeping Tom & Lady Godiva (original) Peeping Tom & Lady Godiva (reply)
Queen Victoria & John Brown (original) Queen Victoria & John Brown (reply)
Queen Victoria & Prince Albert (original) Queen Victoria & Prince Albert (reply)
Richard III & The Little Princes (original) Richard III & The Little Princes (reply)
Robin Hood & Maid Marian (original) Robin Hood & Maid Marian (reply)
Robin Hood & the Sheriff of Nottingham (original) Robin Hood & the Sheriff of Nottingham (reply)
The Two Princes in the Tower & Richard III (original) The Two Princes in the Tower & Richard III (reply)
Thomas Chippendale & King George III (original) Thomas Chippendale & King George III (reply)
Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 1 (original) Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 1 (reply)
Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 2 (original) Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 2 (reply)
Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 3 (original) Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 3 (reply)
Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I 2(original) Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I 2(reply)
Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I (original) Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I (reply)
William Tell & his Son (original) William Tell & his Son (reply)
Winston Churchill & Charles De Gaulle (original) Winston Churchill & Charles De Gaulle (reply)


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Angela Merkel & Silvio Berlosconi (original)

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Angela Merkel & Silvio Berlosconi (reply)

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Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (original)

[ Dear George,

I have not been in Ireland for a very long time, but I still think in Irish. You probably have thought in American or some other strange thing. You may hear about a quarter of the world which is under canvas. However, the world needs someone like you or someone like fecking me so therefore might I say give us your fecking credentials {???unreadable} I would be so thrilled.

Yours sincerely,
Bob.

Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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Bob Geldof & George W. Bush (reply)

[ Dear Blob,

{???unreadable} {???unreadable} {???unreadable} Thanks for your letter which I have before me. As we realised what you are trying to do to the country as a whole and we think that it's a whole priority of our two endeavour suddenly to achieve an ultimate allieviuration of the problems in which we find our selves to be, although some people think, say and I am sure I agree with them that we owe should together work for allieviuration of the global politurisation which engulfs and overcomes and challenges although we also realise that we alone can do before the ultimate time of next allieviuration day.

Yours sinceriously,
George Dubya Bush.

Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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Burke & Hare (original)

Dear Hare,

I would like to offer you some time when we are alone, and we are up in the attic with a chest and a leg of lamb which I find very tasty indeed. Sometimes, I like to [ nip out to a butchers to get a leg of lamb, but I often find that it's run out and it's time to get a body from the butchers which is a grave, so we would Not broadcast] go to the grave yard and with a shovel [ we will Not broadcast] dig a body out of the grave [ and we will send it to the first person who has seen a corpse, Not broadcast] which means that you will have to cook some legs and some arms and some feet and some eyes and some heads and some hair and some little pieces of knees which are best served cold. Yours are the coldest knees I have ever seen. All good people wish you good-day and love from [ me and Not broadcast] Burke.

Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Burke & Hare (reply)

Dear Burke,

I received this letter this morning, which I will tell you I was utterly disgusted with.

Your sincerely felt lack of principal considering the time that we have been together in this enterprise, [ which we both realise independantly and questioningly and Not broadcast] nevertheless I would like to point out that we must, repeat must, on no condition [ will this letter Not broadcast] be revealed to any people other than our selves. Therefore, yours is colder than mine, but nevertheless I keep thinking of you fondly every time I open the fridge wherein hangs a tail and antlers, hooves and fetlocks which I rather think you should come round and examine yourself.

Much love,
Hare.

Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (original)

[ Dear Archbishop,

We would like to give you some warning that we might soon discover a reason for living. This is quite interesting, because I believe that we are evolving something shocking. However, you might not think that this is so. Well, I will prove to you that the monkeys are our best descendants and the best of the monkeys is the one called Bonzo. Bonzo is quite a friendly monkey, in fact he is sitting on my knee as we write. However, Bonzo and his bottom, big though it is, is not anywhere near as I thought, so just in case you don't get the message, I am stating the obvious.

Yours sincerely,
Charles Darwin.

Not broadcast]
Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 1 (reply)

[ Dear me!

When I received your letter this morning, I thought to myself 'What the Dickens is this all about?' Furthermore, I thought monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! Is it conceivable that this man could possibly believe that monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! are the antecedants of the human species, and furthermore, I always am wary of anyone who calls me a charlatan, just because it is true. Therefore, I will write to you and say to you that these monkeys?! Monkeys?!!, I repeat MONKEYS?!!! will be never seen in this church ever, repeat ever, repeat MONKEYS?!!!

Yours,
Cantua.

Not broadcast]
Victoria Palace
27 Nov 2006
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (original)

Dear Archbishop,

We would like to give you some warning that we might soon discover a reason for living. This is quite interesting, because I believe that we are evolving something shocking. However, you might not think that this is so. Well, I will prove to you that the monkeys are our best descendants and the best of the monkeys is the one called Bonzo. Bonzo is quite a friendly monkey, in fact he is sitting on my knee as we write. However, Bonzo and his bottom, big though it is, is not anywhere near as I thought, so just in case you don't get the message, I am stating the obvious.

Yours sincerely,
Charles Darwin.

2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
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Charles Darwin & the Archbishop of Canterbury 2 (reply)

Dear me!

When I received your letter this morning, I thought to myself 'What the Dickens is this all about?' Furthermore, I thought monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! Is it conceivable that this man could possibly believe that monkeys?! Monkeys?!! MONKEYS?!!! are the antecedants of the human species, and furthermore, I always am wary of anyone who calls me a charlatan, just because it is true. Therefore, I will write to you and say to you that these monkeys?! Monkeys?!!, I repeat MONKEYS?!!! will be never seen in this church ever, repeat ever, repeat MONKEYS?!!!

Yours,
Cantua.

2006 Xmas Special
25 Dec 2006
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Chief Druid of Stonehenge & Wiltshire Planning Department (origina

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Chief Druid of Stonehenge & Wiltshire Planning Department (reply)<

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Dan Brown & Pope Benedict (original)

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Dan Brown & Pope Benedict (reply)

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David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (original)

Dear Victoria,

I am having a wonderful time here writing to you, but I wish you were here with me wherever you think I am.

Love from David.

Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
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David Beckham & Posh Spice 1 (reply)

Dear Dave,

Thank you for your letter but I do have to insist that you come home immediately, or I will institute a legal and binding yet accommodating order to compel you to return my kaftan and my dictionary.

Yours,
Posh.

Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
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David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (original)

Dear Victoria,

I am having a wonderful time here writing to you, but I wish you were here with me wherever you think I am.

Love from David.

ISIHAC 9, Side 1
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David Beckham & Posh Spice 2 (reply)

Dear Dave,

Thank you for your letter but I do have to insist that you come home immediately, or I will institute a legal and binding yet accommodating order to compel you to return my kaftan and my dictionary.

Yours,
Posh.

ISIHAC 9, Side 1
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David Cameron & Nick Clegg 1 (original)

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David Cameron & Nick Clegg 1 (reply)

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David Cameron & Nick Clegg 2 (original)

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David Cameron & Nick Clegg 2 (reply)

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Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (original)

[ Dear Mr Hyde,

I wonder if you would like to come and see the old result of my test. It is really very interesting, although I have to ask you when you gave me this chemical, did you realise how dangerous it was, because I have just been drinking it and I feel not very well, so do you [full-stop]

Yours
sincerely,
Dr
Jekyll.

Not broadcast]
Brighton
28 Nov 2005
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Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (reply)

[ Dear Dr Jekyll,

Who said that I was in today, because you always write to me in this form because I or {??unreadable} time before will have no compunction in sueing you for breach of trousers, and do you think I have taken leave of my senses just because I failed to sue the council because they put stuff in my water which has caused my immediate hairyness and bad breath and aggressive loss of mental stability. What do you intend doing about this?

Yours sincerely,
Mr W [full-stop]

Not broadcast]
Brighton
28 Nov 2005
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Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (original)

Dear me!

I
am afraid that I was thinking [ of something else when I should have been writing to you. Therefore, let's start again, and I hope you will receive this letter in enough time for a reply first class. I was thinking Not broadcast] you would like to come and see Celebrity Big Jessie, who will perform for us tomorrow some way or other, [ yet I hope that it will be ameniable to you to partake of this entertainment. In passing, we, that is two of, Not broadcast] however, we, you and the Dalek hordes, could possible assemble and charge the Celebrity Big Jessies and thereby cause the war that exists to cease, and we could all restore peace to the Borough of Milton Keynes.

Your
old chum,
Who.

Southport
13 Nov 2006
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Dr. Who & Davros, leader of The Daleks (reply)

Dear Doctor,

I
am very happy to make your acquaintence, however I have plans for destruction of your patio, which is very ugly and badly constructed. You are annoying and [ a very bad {???unreadable}. Not broadcast] I am going to wreck your parasol and shed while I am refashioning all your outside barbeque which smells of pork and lard which stinks to high heaven. [ {???unreadable} have no {???unreadable} How -ever, not?? never??, {???unreadable} Not broadcast]

Lots
of love and kisses and hugs and feelings from front to back. I am going to e-x-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-t-e by act of vengeance.

Love from Davros. That is Bobby Davros.

Southport
13 Nov 2006
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Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (original)

[ Dear Richard,

I would like to see you in the black jumper which I wore for a short black man, because he was asking me to go with him down to the black, slow, black {???unreadable} black bobbing black {???unreadable} as black and really black, no really, really, really, really black. Blacker than real black. Black as a very black cat on a black hat surrounded by black and even blacker bits of cloth. So would you please come to see my house, where I have a large box which houses a small and round black gun. I wish to say goodbye, and show you my black play.

Yours sincerely,
Dylan Thomas.

Not broadcast]
Halifax
19 Jun 2006
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Dylan Thomas & Richard Burton (reply)

[ Dear Dylan,

I was walking down the Black Wall Tunnel the other day, when I saw a large, black envelope which came from you, and opening it I saw immediately that it was a black letter composed by you, inviting me to attend your book launch at my local convenience. Therefore, immediately I decided to say that I would be delighted, nay overjoyed, to attend the aforementioned event, therefore I will enclose this postal order for three and six pence to defray the cost of hiring the convenience which you mentioned.

Finally,
I would like to sing, but alas I have lost my voice. So finally I must close with the quotation from the Bard himself, where he wrote on the paper before him that lovely mood piece entitled "Goodbye."

Yours,
Richard Burton.

Not broadcast]
Halifax
19 Jun 2005
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Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (original)

Dear William,

We notice that you are writing several plays which are very rude. We think that sometimes rude -ness is not very nice. However, methinks I should be decapitating or torturing in the large prison which I have built especially for this occurence. Please inform us briefly of your decision.

Signed,
Elizabeth Bigitup I.

Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
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Elizabeth I & William Shakespeare (reply)

Dear Betty,

I am overwhelmed by your letter, and I would like to take this opportunity of writing this letter back to you.

My word, isn't this weather bloody awful, but we must keep going, mustn't we? Writing this play I am involved in creating a world of fantasy and escape, and furthermore, of delight. Not as you might know a play that I wrote previously which I consider very controversial because in that play I wrote a character called Hamlet, Ponce Of Denmark, and he was a... indecisive and hesitant, although he often couldn't make up his mind. Why, I ask myself? Well, I reply, and hoping this finds you as it leaves me.

Yours,
Will Shakespeare.

Birmingham
05 Jun 2006
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Emeline Pankhurst & the Archbishop Of Canterbury (original)

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Emeline Pankhurst & the Archbishop Of Canterbury (reply)

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Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (original)

Dear Lord Cardy,

I
hope you are well and wish [ you nothing but good fortune as I think I have got to go to the chemist for some aspirins because I have run up a big bill at Boots and I feel I should go somewhere else. Now, I want Not broadcast] to tell you in deepest, deepest confidence that I plan to start a big family. This is not what I intended to do, but I just didn't plan this thing at the time of the planning. If you are getting horny at the thought of me having a baby, then you could be coming with a large set of pliers for a visit to the sumptious and yet strangely cold and yet strangely inviting place that I call home. If you don't come to see me I will kill my self.

Yours
lovingly,
Florence.

Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
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Florence Nightingale & Lord Cardigan (reply)

Dear Nightingale,

I am furious at your letter because it was delivered to me by hand, and it contained the news that you were intending to produce a large family. Therefore I intend to sue you because I was very concerned to find that I am pregnant. [ Keep taking the tablets which I know you are currently indulging in and please shave {???} whiskers and wear a bow. I see my self in these circumstances Not broadcast] I hope you will soon be learning to fend [ to fend Not broadcast] for five and [ a half Not broadcast] will ensure that you will remain your pristine and pure and unsullied whilst still and continually fresh and somehow debauched yet fragrant although nouche self.

Yours very angrily,
Lord Cardy.

Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
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Galileo & The Pope (original)

Dear Pope,

How are you? [ Sir Holiness Not broadcast] It is with great sorrow that I have to in- form you that unfortunately your view of the world is false- ly misleading, because I, Galileo, have discovered that the world goes around the sun every few days, so I would like to suggest that you change the religion to my view in the future. Also, God has not been around recently so I suggest that you give it a miss. Also, your niece gives very nice advice about publishing [ so it's with great pleasure that Not broadcast] I sign this letter to you, Galileo Galilei.

P. S. If your doubting mind suggests to you that I am wrong, then you are an arsehole.

Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
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Galileo & The Pope (reply)

Dear Galileo,

May I suggest that you [ are a naughty boysy because I have heard your philosophy about the world and it horrifies everyone I tell it to so, Galileo, may I suggest that you Not broadcast] keep your mouth shut, especially during this period of our show, and nevertheless I tell you once and for all that I will be very displeased indeed that you have put me in a position that is compromising and furthermore very embarrassing, yet strangely [ and yet unbelievably incredible Not broadcast] you have dared to suggest that the Pope is a fool and I realise that it's true, so please accept my sincere chocolates [ which are wrapped in a rather fetching blue shroud, and furthermore accompanied by a box of tampons. Don't ignore my gifts or suggest that I would like to ingratiate myself with you because it's not true. Not broadcast]

Bye
bye.

Peterborough
10 Dec 2007
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God & Adam 1 (original)

Dear Adam,

How are you?

Hoping this finds you as it leaves me.

I would like to point out that the current bylaws prohibit apple appropriation, and furthermore the taking of any photographs of each one when they are in a compromising yet understandable position in flagrante in the Garden of Eden. Must dash. Cheers for now.

Your faithful mate,
God.

Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
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God & Adam 1 (reply)

Dear God!

Is that really necessary, because I am not going to eat the apple in the Garden which you kindly keep up in the tree.

Eve is presently not very well. She fancies the apple, and I don't want to encourage such activity with your serpent, knowing that that is not what you want. Anyway, [ I was trying to look up a word in the book that has not arrived yet. Not broadcast] where do you get fig-leaves? Also, might you suggest an alternative form of clothing which we can wear on Sundays, and look like nice people [ for a time, which I have had no idea about what time it really is {???unreadable} at {???unreadable} Not broadcast]

Lots of love and kisses,
respectfully, Adam.

Tunbridge Wells
10 Jan 2005
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God & Adam 2 (original)

Dear Adam,

How are you?

Hoping this finds you as it leaves me.

I would like to point out that the current bylaws prohibit apple appropriation, and furthermore the taking of any photographs of each one when they are in a compromising yet understandable position in flagrante in the Garden of Eden. Must dash. Cheers for now.

Your faithful mate,
God.

ISIHAC 9, Side 1
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God & Adam 2 (reply)

Dear God!

Is that really necessary, because I am not going to eat the apple in the Garden which you kindly keep up in the tree.

Eve is presently not very well. She fancies the apple, and I don't want to encourage such activity with your serpent, knowing that that is not what you want. Anyway, where do you get fig-leaves? Also, might you suggest an alternative form of clothing which we can wear on Sundays, and look like nice people.

Lots of love and kisses,
respectfully, Adam.

ISIHAC 9, Side 1
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God & Noah (original)

Dear Noah,

I am writing as I find that you have an unusual ark that lies near your home [ in Galilea. Not broadcast] Why you have got an ark is beyond me, and I will demand that you remove it immediately, otherwise I shall be forced to take action with regard to the planning of this aforesaid ark, [ and furthermore I shall soon be coming to see that my orders have been carried out. Not broadcast] Furthermore here lies the remnants of my weather forecast: [ Forty degrees of frost followed by forty degrees of Paxman. Not broadcast] Rain falling for three or for forty nights and then floods will engulf you and quite rightly too!

Yours celestially,
God.

Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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God & Noah (reply)

Dear God,

Re the flood to engulf us:

I have managed to amass a number of animals. Namely two of each animal which I list now: Aardvarks and Ants and Anteaters and Bees and Cuckoos and Ducks and Elephants and so we continue down this path of self pity [ with aplomb?? and I would love to get hold of a autograph of you which I will hang over the bedstead in our poop. Not broadcast]

Lots of love,
Noah.

Oxford
27 Jun 2005
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Goliath's Agent & Goliath (original)

[ Dear Golly,

You must realise that things have been very quiet recently. There have been very few people for whom the public wish to see you throwing a stone at, or if you prefer, dodging the stone which was thrown by someone else, so you will be happy to hear that I have fixed someone up with whom you will get a kick and also a frisson of excitement which will help you overcome some stomach complaints which I know you are suffering from lately. Stones, stones and more stones. That's what I'm talking about, so if you could help me to see sense I hope that you will fight David tomorrow at 9 o' clock in the car which I am providing for you on a trial period, which will, I think, help you to get at David by hook or by crook by your self, so push off you little giant. Not broadcast]
Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
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Goliath's Agent & Goliath (reply)

[ Dear Mori,

What your on? Put me in the picture please, because I am unable to understand what you are on, as you wrote to me about some boy who was intending to throw a stone at you. Me, my friend and neighbour discussed this and we thought that it would be quite practical for you to lose the inches of flesh which you seem to think enhance your looks and therefore you must therefore shed therefore all the superfluous and unsightly yet pendulous superfluity that you have and consistently been acquiring a large and conspicuous yet unsightly library of books that are seemingly of a rather suggestive nature, therefore this letter of mine should suffice to say that I am no longer your client for to say it would be more fruitful to think that I was no {???} friendly and amicable therefore I say to you: Goodbye! Not broadcast]
Cardiff
18 Jun 2007
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Henry VIII & Anne Boleyn (original)

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Henry VIII & Anne Boleyn (reply)

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Henry VIII & Catherine of Aragon (original)

Dear Catherine,

I am wondering what you will be doing next week, because I want to talk about something which I rather think you will find interesting, namely Divorce! Bam!-Bam!-Bam!! I sincerely hope that you will agree that we, namely us, will decide amicably to cut our heads off (apart from mine). Therefore, I have insisted that Cardinal Wolsey draws up a brief chair and sits down in it, so that he can tell us whether we will be comfortable in the chair. This will establish that you [ as you will know, I have instituted a proceding that will ensure our will being in the situation which I am aware of, Not broadcast] but nevertheless I can assure you that we will definitely be having a party next Tuesday where everyone will be beheaded.

All the very best.

Yours sincerely,
King Hal [ the Eighth.

Not broadcast]
Manchester
26 Nov 2007
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Henry VIII & Catherine of Aragon (reply)

Dear Henry,

We hope that you are reconsidering the dumping of me, because I am very nervous about losing my head. I am hoping [ that we will resolve this problem amicably and also that Not broadcast] you will go to the Pope and ask him for a bit of cheese and pickle, [ and gherkin Not broadcast] also coleslaw. [ so we hope to come quickly to a conclusion which you will allow, because Not broadcast] it would make me very happy, and I would like Wolsey to come round to my house and eat blancmange, [ and liver, also custard Not broadcast] but not cheese, becaue I LOVE cheese. It's delicious and also I love kedgeree. Don't you love kedgeree as much as I do, Henry? We must get back to- gether some- how, and rekindle the romance that we started with so many years ago. We could make lurve or not, as the situation arises, if you know what I mean!

Lots of love from Catherine.

Manchester
26 Nov 2007
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Henry VIII & The Pope (original)

Dear Pope,

I hope that you will forgive me writing to you in this fashion, but I sincerely hope that you are ready for some action, although yesterday I saw outside my window a nun who was surprisingly killing time while sitting on a small yet shapely donkey, and imagine my surprise when my current wife came me bustling in and cried loudly: "What on earth is that donkey doing in the previous installment of this letter?"

Your pal,
Henry

Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
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Henry VIII & The Pope (reply)

Dear Henry the V I I I,

Wassa matta you? Why you looka so sad? Wassa matta with Roma? Issa nota bad. Issa nisa place. Ah shattupa your face.

Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
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Hercules Poirot & Miss Marple (original)

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Hercules Poirot & Miss Marple (reply)

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Isambard Kingdom Brunel & Queen Victoria (original)

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Isambard Kingdom Brunel & Queen Victoria (reply)

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James I & Guy Fawkes (original)

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James I & Guy Fawkes (reply)

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John Brown & Queen Victoria (original)

Dear me!, Yule tide is approaching, therefore I wish to ask you if it would be possible for you to attend a function during the week beginning December the twenty- first at my hoose, where we will have plenty of sustenence [ and more than you have ever seen in your life. Not broadcast] Furthermore, I propose to lay on my back and wave my legs like this!

Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
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John Brown & Queen Victoria (reply)

Dear Brown (or Gordon), We received a missive from you which discombobulated us slightly, but nevertheless we will have great expectations of you waving to me or not as you wish. We like trifle lots. I particularly prefer to eat lots of trifle in my bed, so that you could enjoy it with me in my bed.

Haymarket
22 Jun 2009
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Joseph & the Holiday Inn, Bethlehem (original)

[ Dear Manager,

I would like to protest that we were recently hoping to stay at your establishment, but have we been to told that there has been a problem recently with the accommodation, and therefore we will have no alternative but to stay somewhere never. Could you advise on where we could stay nearby, reasonably priced and solubriously situated. Please reply as soon as you receive this missive and all the best to all of your friends.

Yours,
Joseph.

P. S. We are always at a loose end around Wednesdays.

Not broadcast]
Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
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Joseph & the Holiday Inn, Bethlehem (reply)

[ Dear Sir,

No.

Yours sincerely, but not as sincerely as we should like, however we take great care to ensure that there is never a room for you at the Holiday Inn at Bethlehem at this time of year. Please note that it must be reserved early with money, even a large credit card which can be cashed at any bank in the world. Thank you.

Not broadcast]
Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
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Josia Wedgwood & King George III (original)

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Josia Wedgwood & King George III (reply)

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Julius Caesar & Boudicca (original)

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Julius Caesar & Boudicca (reply)

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Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 1 (original)

[ Ay. Not broadcast] Dear Cleo,

[ How are you, and how is that funny little asp? Not broadcast] I thought that you were coming to Rome some time, but apparently you are not, so what are you playing at, I wonder? Furthermore, what are you going to do about the problem of the leaking, yet dry, barge on which you intend to travel to Rome, and with out doubt I expect to be there to greet you and to embrace you and give you one of those pretty gifts that you love to receive so often from me and others. Speaking of which, I wonder if Mark Anthony is there with you as I write to you. Well, is he or not?

Yours
worryingly,
Julius
Caesar, expat.

Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
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Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 1 (reply)

Hail Caesar,

We
like to receive gifts from you always, and [ especially adore the asp which you were training before I arrived in the front of your bath. Not broadcast] Mark Anthony has been to Egypt to day to see my little pyramids, and to stroke my little sphynx. He adores to stroke my lovely and tasty little truffles which I keep trying to entice him with but he is impotent [ or not so interested as you are, my lovely ravioli, who likes to come over here to Cairo Not broadcast] and I am bathing in asses milk topped up with cream and also cornflakes. Yum, yum! [ he's saying to me and at my special behest he strokes my muesli as he likes to call me Not broadcast] So I hope you were enjoying this letter which I am faxing to you by e-mail.

Lots
[ and lots Not broadcast] of kisses [ and lots of hugs Not broadcast] from your only Cleo Patra.

Wimbledon
02 Jul 2007
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Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 2 (original)

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Julius Caesar & Cleopatra 2 (reply)

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King Arthur & Merlin (original)

[ Dear Merlin,

We would like to ask you to entertain the children at our Party. Some kids {???} want to play magic balloons.??? His best friend also likes magic tricks especially the one where you saw in half a watch. It is so good that all the children videod it and hope to show it many times over on Christmas Day. However, Guinevere said: "OI! Lancelot, Get your horse off my bed {???unreadable} again because??? I am very tired of this.

Many thanks.

PS. We would like to see your best memory Full stop xxx.

Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
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King Arthur & Merlin (reply)

[ Dear Arthur,

I can't unfortunately do what you require. However, I enclose a balloon which you can give to children and they can inflate themselves while playing with Lancelot's appliance. However, they must not, repeat not, attempt to inflate their horses otherwise the horses will explode, and furthermore, Guinevere has asked me to ask you to inflate the rather large device which you will find on the mantlepiece between the china elephant and the small mouse.

Cheers and best wishes
Merlin.

Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
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King Harold & William The Conqueror 1 (original)

[ Dear William,

We wonder if you would consider visiting Britain on Thursday. If you wish to visit Britain, then please will you not bring any arrows. We don't like arrows in any form or even when it arrives in the eye, so will hopefully you might consider coming in- stead with a box of chocolates. We consider creams our favourite. Never forget that we also love mints, especially dark chocolate ones, so goodbye and please come Thursday.

Yours sincerely,
Harold.

Not broadcast]
Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
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King Harold & William The Conqueror 1 (reply)

[ Cher Harold,

I am ready to arrive on Thursday afternoon about four o'clock. However, I expect you will welcome my forces with the many gestures and hand shakings, plus a large quantity of crumpets, not the sort of crumpets you have before, but I would like to assure you that the will be on Thursday when we will arrive without leaving any arrows behind. Is this the answer to our question, which we hitherto asked you about Thursday, and furthermore we would advise you to surrender and get yourself out of Hastings to- morrow and we suggest that you flee and fly to Milton Keynes, where there will be a very warm welcome for you, so there we must leave you.

All the very best, your friend,
little William theConqueror.

Not broadcast]
Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
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King Harold & William The Conqueror 2 (original)

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King Harold & William The Conqueror 2 (reply)

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King Harold & William The Conqueror 3 (original)

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King Harold & William The Conqueror 3 (reply)

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King Henry VIII & Pope Clement VII (original)

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King Henry VIII & Pope Clement VII (reply)

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Lady Hamilton & Lord Nelson (original)

[ Dear Rasche- eepoos,

I have to say that I worried incessently about your state of health after hearing the news of your battle at Trafalgar. Please send me news of your injuries especially the absence of parts. You understand that I am concerned about abscences, particularly in certain areas of your anatomy.

Yours dispairingly,
Lady H

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Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
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Lady Hamilton & Lord Nelson (reply)

[ Dear Emma-baby,

I am very hot as a very hot person can be. My arm is missing in a far distant place, but I am doing lots with- out it. You may wonder what I am doing but never worry because I am still hot. I am very hot. Have you got a particular fan because I am hot.

Not withstanding {???unreadable} lots and lots of love,
Admiral Horatio Nelson

Not broadcast]
Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
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Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 1 (original)

Dear Mona,

Do you like to see the beautiful vista from the studio of myself, or would you rather visit Michaelangelo, who is a very close friend of Dorothy? Nevertheless, you would be delighted to experience the ambience of his studio which he built himself by hand and foot. As you know, I am a talented painter and would like to paint the other wall [ which is over there Not broadcast]. Do you want to come and visit me at my studio?

Waiting for you reply on paper.

Yours affectionately, yet lustfully,
Leonardo da Vinci.

Halifax
19 Jun 2005
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Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 1 (reply)

Oh Leonardo,

How I jumped at the thought of visiting your lovely little studio with a view of getting your trousers down, and [also showing me a picture of a small, yet big and appetising piece of flesh, but Not broadcast] I am hoping that you will make my day by smiling at me so I can smile back at you [comma] smiling is so lovely when I see you smiling with your trousers down around your ankles, bending over and smiling that lovely sideways smile at me, but don't think you can get away with anything worse that, because my Mother will be here as a chaperone. I will come with a bag of turnips, and we will eat all of them together in ecstasy and wonderful agony as you push me toward the turnip. I must say that this letter is one of the most exciting things I have ever written in my room.

Sincerely,
Mona Lisa.

Halifax
19 Jun 2005
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Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 2 (original)

[ Dear Mona,

I am very happy that you will look like a very happy woman in a short little time. I am hoping to see you in my little studio where I hope to make you smile again. If you would like to come early, it would be very nice to see you in my dreams. I am always in my best pyjamas for when you come to make sure that I am at home.

Hope you are well.

Lots of love and kisses and more kisses,
Leonardo da Vinci.

Not broadcast]
Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
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Leonardo Da Vinci & Mona Lisa 2 (reply)

[ Dear Taffy,

I long to be with you but sadly I cannot be with you because I am currently not too well, although happily I am going on a very pleasant and fulfilling, yet ardous, trip to Northern Egypt, where I hope to find the lost mummy who lies through her teeth.

Hoping this finds you as it leaves me.

Yours,
Mona Lisa

P. S. Keep the smile on your face.

Not broadcast]
Harrogate
19 Dec 2005
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Mary Queen Of Scots & Elizabeth I (original)

[ Dear Liz,

How are you, considering the situation down your part of the country up to yesterday? I was wondering what had happened to that man who I last saw peeping through the window outside your skullery and obviously he was enjoying himself in ways that I cannot mention in this letter. However, I hope that this letter finds you as it leaves me,

Mary [brackets] Queen [close brackets] [open brackets again] of Scots.

Not broadcast]
Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Mary Queen Of Scots & Elizabeth I (reply)

[ Dear Scottie,

We are very high and it is pleasant. I would like to offer a toast to you and your man who was looking through the window when I was reading the letter from you, and I liked the way you phrased it. When I found it in my ear the end was in the end of the other one which I found to be very uncomfortable, yet strangely exciting, so I set to with him and we chamoised all day long and we chamoised all night long and we chamoised all over the town. When chamoises went bad I got a- nother one and I chamoised all together and individually. However, chamoising is forbidden in this part of the world, so I would like you to tear off this letter and chamois down yourself to a place where you wouldn't want a chamois.

Lots of love and kisses with lots of hugs and lots of other greetings,
Liz.

Not broadcast]
Edinburgh
01 Sep 2005
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Napoleon & King George III (original)

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Napoleon & King George III (reply)

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Neville Chamberlain & Adolf Hitler (original)

Dear Mr. Hitler,

Who do you think you are if I ask in my humble way. Is it true that you only have recently in- vaded one country namely Poland?

Yours,
Edna Smith
pp Neville Chamberlain.

Hull
20 Dec 2004
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Neville Chamberlain & Adolf Hitler (reply)

Mein herr Nev,

I very much enjoyed your letter, but I have to say zat I am very, very disturbed [full stop] However, ve vould like to see your smiling army going through the outskirts of Berlin, as ve are ready and able and villing and eager and bouyant, although ve are not very confident or assured or complacent, although ve are convinced and confident zat ve vill win.

Yours sincerely,
Adolf.

Hull
20 Dec 2004
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Nicholas Sarkozy & Silvio Berlosconi (original)

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Nicholas Sarkozy & Silvio Berlosconi (reply)

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Oliver Cromwell & Charles I (original)

[ Dear King,

I would like to inform you that your reign has come to an abrupt end, because I, Oliver Cromwell (gent. of this parish), hereby declare that we the-people have won a victory over you and we decide now to rule this country by our own wits and by our own ingenuity and expertise and diligence, although we must bear the brunt of your anger becaue we have understood that you are a {???} because we notice that you wore your apron back to front, therefore showing us your predelictions which therefore told us that you are bound to accept our demands and therefore yield to us and our proclamation.

Your devoted servant,
Olly P. Cromwell, Esq.

Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
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Oliver Cromwell & Charles I (reply)

[ Dear Cromwell,

We were in- furiated by your long, long, long, long letter which we received only yesterday. We feel that it is quite im- possible and quite unseemly to have these things demanded of us because I and my oligarch feel that you are quite a little boring old toad, so if you have any sense of shame you will tie my laces and trip me up so that so that I can get down on the floor and get to my ant which I have loved ever since he was Dec. However I must get to the point where I can feel my self with out a bra, and so would you go and fetch me a head- ed monster, and also bring me two women of the loosest {???} so that I can endeavour to mount them on Friday. If you can't provide me with loose women then I will be using you as a substitute.

With fond greetings,
your very mighty and clever King. XX

Not broadcast]
Croydon
12 Nov 2007
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Peeping Tom & Lady Godiva (original)

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Peeping Tom & Lady Godiva (reply)

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Queen Victoria & John Brown (original)

Dear John,

I'm writing to you to say we must end this arrangement. It's horrible but necessary.

I wish to say that I would like to try and try and try.

With best wishes,
Vicky

Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
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Queen Victoria & John Brown (reply)

Dear Maj,

What were you thinking of when you wrote that letter to me, eh?

Missing you already,
John

Basingstoke
06 Dec 2004
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Queen Victoria & Prince Albert (original)

Dear Victoria,

I hope that you are feeling better now that the winter has finished being long yet warmish while also a hint of frost. Speaking of frost, have you seen David lately, as I was talking to a man who knows him very well and he said to me that David was almost out of sight, luckily. He also was asking me [ if I could try to communicate {???unreadable} {???unreadable} Not broadcast] about a visit to Balmoral tomorrow. What do you think I am going to say now? By the way, I was cycling happily by the river when I noticed that there was a slight pimple on the saddle of my lamb. Therefore, could you tell the chef that I will no longer put my trust in his judgement. So in haste [ and with deep trepidation Not broadcast] I bid you a fond farewell.

Yours partly and yet sincerely. Thanking you for the ring which reminds me of a happy incident when we fell down awkwardly on Sunday, but now is the time to sign off, so Goodbye from Albert.

London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
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Queen Victoria & Prince Albert (reply)

Dear Bertie,

What a foolish thing you have been doing to your wife, chafing against my little intimate and pink yet wobbly yet imperial thingy. I hope that you, in time, will think more of my body than you seem to do at the moment [comma] [ furthermore, I'm feeling much {???unreadable} strangely overt to the overtures and underscores that we {???unreadable} and tastingly Not broadcast] I hope to deliver tomorrow in- stead of sleeping with Benjamin the Prime Sheep.

Enclosing a ring [ which this is expressly Not broadcast] for the opening of your tin which is below the bed in which we have slept sometimes unless we have had a headache. Speaking of which, I think we have a little headache [ what juncture are nonsense is laudenum and drops which insanity has overcome Not broadcast] which has overcome my poor wish to inherit the opening that you closed fifty years ago.

Yours very sincerely, and insanely and drippingly, deliciously, finally Goodnight dear Albert X X

London Coliseum
04 Jun 2007
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Richard III & The Little Princes (original)

Dear both,

I would like to see you [ in the drawing room this occasion, so will is in his suite and we hope to see you Not broadcast] later on today. However, when you are here, it will be appropriate for you to be slightly pissed. Furthermore, I wish to take this occasion to say to you that I must immediately despatch a speedy assassin (Whoops!) to the Tower Of London where you will shortly be resident. I hope this finds you as it leaves me.

[ All the best, Not broadcast] Your loving Uncle,
Dick.

Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
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Richard III & The Little Princes (reply)

Dear Uncle Dick,

[ Please will you let me out of this horrible place because I don't like it a little bit. Yesterday we were in trouble with the warders, because we weed all down the front of them. They were very pissed off. Not broadcast] Nobody ever understands us. We are small. Very small. Almost tiny. However, all of our time is spent climbing up to the window, where we can see a woman outside her clothes. Wow! Talk about crumpet! She's got two enormous brothers, who stand out side our window and sing lots of horrible hits from the Sixties. [ Please will you send another horse quickly, because we want to escape. Not broadcast]

Yours
sincerely,
The Princes.

Sunderland
11 Dec 2006
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Robin Hood & Maid Marian (original)

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Robin Hood & Maid Marian (reply)

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Robin Hood & the Sheriff of Nottingham (original)

Dear abound in Sherwood Forest.

I hope you will pop round and see four of them as we frolic and [ dance although maybe we will be able to refrain from such frolic and dance. Instead we could simply Not broadcast] swing through the afternoon, and after that we could perhaps indulge in a little bit of freemasonry, if you know what I mean!

Regards to your good King and to the lovely wife of your immediate neighbour, Guy of Fawkes.

Cheers, must go,
Robin.

Bristol
22 May 2006
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Robin Hood & the Sheriff of Nottingham (reply)

Dear Robin,

I hope that this is the last time I shall have the honour of spitting in your tea. I detest such thieving, froliccing egalitarianism freemasonry. [ You are quite horrible, yet attractive to me although I do lust after trees so that in fact I like to dress up as a Davina tree when it flowers, which is only once a blue moon. Not broadcast] My father Tommy, said to me: OI you twat! What the hell are you doing over there in Nottingham while I am stuck here in London? Richard [ sends his love from London, although I am not surprised that he Not broadcast] wants to kill you because he wants to kill all of your slimy, green but attractive to him and me so what do you think of this letter? Answer on a FAX which I have invented recently.

Bye for ever,
Sheriff.

Bristol
22 May 2006
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The Two Princes in the Tower & Richard III (original)

[ Dear Uncle Dick,

Why are you so far away from us, when we are here in the God-forsaken place called the cell. Have you got a horse? We have not, but we hope to get one soon if we can get the best price for our bodies. If we have grown bigger we hope to become butcher and bigger so that we can get you some big shoes which you will wear in.

Lots of love to you, you from us.

Not broadcast]
Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
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The Two Princes in the Tower & Richard III (reply)

[ Dear Two Princes,

Now I have to answer your letter which gives entirely the result I foresaw full-stop. Moreover, now will be around the first bend that I see coming towards me, although I might also take the utmost hump if you attempt seriously to elude my grasp. Therefore I will execute you.

Oh! Hoping that finds you as well it as leaves me.

Not broadcast]
Rhyl
13 Jun 2005
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Thomas Chippendale & King George III (original)

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Thomas Chippendale & King George III (reply)

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Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 1 (original)

[ Dear Ma'am,

I would like to request an audience with you to demonstrate my new appliance which I proudly call the 'Flushing Lavabo'. You may be surprised to learn Spanish while sitting on my device. Many people have told me that they were completely refreshed after sitting just {???unreadable} the bowl and feeling whatever they could attempt.

Yours sanitarily,
Thomas Crapper.

Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
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Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 1 (reply)

[ Dear Crap -er,

We are very happy that we are apparently on the throne, and that the throne is very {???unreadable} after dinner, and we would pass objects between our selves and unwrap them one by one. Alternatively, we would play with {???unreadable} and kill some {???unreadable} that are in our lavatory. Meanwhile, we are very excited that you have invented such a wonderful machine that travels all over the Universe. However myself and Albert are delighted that you are bringing to our attention this very kind pursuit??? which evacuates children out of the city, and then we will go and later to shoot the poo. Meanwhile, I am {???unreadable} and {???unreadable} {???unreadable} I have been constipated for some time - forty years - so is this device to be the answer to my prayers? I am confident that it is.

Yours sincerely,
Queen Vic.

Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
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Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 2 (original)

Dear Ma'am,

I would like to request an audience with you to demonstrate my new appliance which I proudly call the 'Flushing Lavabo'. You may be surprised to learn Spanish while you squat upon the throne.

Yours faithfully and permanently,

Thomas W. Crapper.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

[ Your
Highness,

May I draw your attention to this invention which I fondly hope will ease your pains on each occasion that you squat on the throne, which I have recently decorated with your initials {??unreadable} lovingly your husband's bidet loo??. Furthermore, I have enclosed a roll of paper which you will find useful when you are about to depart and I hope that you will reply forthwith to my letter.

Yours faithfully and permanently and another sanitary {??unreadable},

Thomas W. Crapper.

Not broadcast]
Brighton
28 Nov 2005
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Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 2 (reply)

Dear Crapper,

We are very grateful to you for your invention, which we are going to use instead of Brighton, [ although one hopes that you will be happy to receive this note which is from some of very nice curtains. The only piece of material that was beautiful, this is morning. Not broadcast] However, one hopes that we can wee quietly into the invention [ of your kind {??unreadable}. Not broadcast] Long have we sat wondering whether anybody can come on the throne with a golden and long-lasting and special, yet dignified way for me to shit.

[ Yours sincerely,
{??unreadable}.

Not broadcast]
Brighton
28 Nov 2005
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Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 3 (original)

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Thomas Crapper & Queen Victoria 3 (reply)

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Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I 2(original)

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Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I 2(reply)

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Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I (original)

Dear Liz Dear,

How are you? I am very happy here in America where the natives have granted me the potato for the occasion of your birthday which I understand is next Tuesday so here, Liz, is my potato [ suitable for your birthday Not broadcast] if Tuesday is indeed convenient.

P.S. I have also enclosed a packet of twenty filter tips which I hope you will enjoy.

[ P.P.S. Also I have enclosed three packets of small, yet potent shag pile tobacco which I hope you will also find most efficacious.

Yours Not broadcast] with a loving kiss,
Wal

Ipswich
30 May 2005
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Walter Raleigh & Elizabeth I (reply)

Dear Raleigh,

You say potato, but I say potato.

Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Let's call the whole thing off. We enjoyed very much the chips which we ate last Friday.

My husband doesn't marry me but sleeps with the under- pants on his head Shakespeare said he'd come to the birthday of my old sister who is in Scotland, where she has a very nice piece of tasty trouser We enjoy having Shakespeare round for a game of Twister with naked.

Love from your Monarch,
Liz.

Goodbye.

Ipswich
30 May 2005
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William Tell & his Son (original)

Dear son,

Have
you been to the pub, or [ were the others at Not broadcast] the greengrocers [ telling which roll of the wallpaper I wanted. If the roll of wallpaper was available, then I wanted Not broadcast] to get your apple and take it home and put it on your head, and you then might stand and wait while I, behind the bush, relieved at the prospect [ of seeing the son of mine standing there with an apple on his head. Not broadcast] Therefore, please put an apple on your head and stand over there, and no, not there, there. That's better. [ Where is my bow? Ah, here it is in my bow bum-bag. Not broadcast] Close your eyes, and you'll feel nothing (hopefully).

[Ever yours in the spirit that it leaves me, I leave it to you. Not broadcast]

Your
loving Dad,
Bill.

Southport
13 Nov 2006
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William Tell & his Son (reply)

Dear Dad,

You
are a complete bastard. How -ever, I would like to go to university with -out having loans, so could you pay for me to go to university so I can learn some physics, but in case you can't pay for me to go to university, I could give you a shot on Celebrity Apple Mastermind [which you could enjoy I hope, Not broadcast] but nevertheless, if you want to go and hit me, then fire away, you [comma] and I [mean that [comma] Not broadcast] I want you to die. You are a big Dad.

Lots
of love from your target.

Southport
13 Nov 2006
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Winston Churchill & Charles De Gaulle (original)

[ Dear Charlie,

We in Britain are very happy to be in this country during the beginning of not withstanding our alledged and strangely incoherent letter that I am sending to you today, in fact it is the outpouring of a mad drunken and depressed and {??? unreadable} yet {??? unreadable} old Tory. We in Britain admire you and your resistance to Germany while Rome burns.

Hope you will enjoy coming to our Christmas party when you get back from your war. Happy New Year {???Jolly???} I hope you will open your presents at Paris.

Goodbye,
Winston.

Not broadcast]
Bristol
22 May 2006
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Winston Churchill & Charles De Gaulle (reply)

[ Dear Winnie,

The reason I am writing to you is that I know that the reason you are writing to me is the fact that this time I mean to attack the roast beef and roast pork with gusto and furthermore I hope to see you and kiss you roundly on both sets of cheeks. In due course, we will have a child which we will call France. Hoping that this finds you as it leaves me.

Your friend and old chum,
Charles.

Not broadcast]
Bristol
22 May 2006
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