The ISIHAC
Situations Vacant Page

Last Updated
29 Jul 2003

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds requires the teams to give examples of job adverts for positions that have suddenly become available. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

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Wolf required to help with pig harvest. Sound pair of lungs essential. Small, good wolves need not apply. Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
There is a vacancy for a Margaret Thatcher. Any gender, though man preferred. Bullet-proof handbag provided. Long hours and knives. Must have knowledge of King Lear, particularly the Blasted Heath. Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Following the untimely death of Joan of Arc, Martyr required. Must have own horse. Non-smoker preferred. Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Marie Antoinette vacancy for Queen of France. Preference for cake and ability to keep head preferred. Apply to louis16th@versailles/guillotine.communard Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Millennium Dome needs new chief executive. Would suit failed whelk stall manager. Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Following the death of the Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe. Wanted - someone who doesn't know what to do. Excellent maternity benefits. Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Replacement for King Henry I required. King/Queen required for position of chief lamprey taster. Warning - lampreys may contain traces of nuts. Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Following the resignation of John Birt as Director General of the BBC, any old ***** wanted. Bournemouth
20 Nov 2000
Wanted - English person to win Wimbledon - Actual English nationality not essential. Own racket & shoes an advantage. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Wanted - Someone to decide England football stadium to go in central England where it obviously belongs. Unsuccessful party organiser in a brewery might as well apply. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Doctor Spooner Society are looking for blind dogs for the guides. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Curds and whey tester required. No time wasters or arachnophobics please. Must have own tuffet. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Dull halfwits required - accommodation provided. Apply Big Brother production office. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Hairdresser required. Qualifications not essential, but must have own shears & pudding basin. Apply Miss A Widdecombe. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Wanted by Little Bo Peep - Army recruits to dig funeral pyre. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Duke of Edinburgh seeks P.R. person - would suit former china shop bull. Norwich
02 Jul 2001
Wanted - English person to win Wimbledon - Actual English nationality not essential. Own racket & shoes an advantage. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Doctor Spooner Society are looking for blind dogs for the guides. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Curds and whey tester required. No time wasters or arachnophobics please. Must have own tuffet. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Hairdresser required. Qualifications not essential, but must have own shears & pudding basin. Apply Miss A Widdecombe. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Replacement for King Henry I required. King/Queen required for position of chief lamprey taster. Warning - lampreys may contain traces of nuts. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Dull halfwits required - accommodation provided. Apply Big Brother production office. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Duke of Edinburgh seeks P.R. person - would suit former china shop bull. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Wolf required to help with pig harvest. Sound pair of lungs essential. Small, good wolves need not apply. ISIHAC 7, Side 4
Marie Antoinette vacancy for Queen of France. Preference for cake and ability to keep head preferred. Apply to louis16th@versailles/guillotine.communard ISIHAC 7, Side 4
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


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