The ISIHAC
Nursery Rhymes Page

Last Updated
30 Dec 2006

On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds involves the teams giving more topical endings to traditional Nursery Rhymes. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)

 Sort by:
 

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And now he thinks he's a duck.
Windsor
04 May 1998
Hush-a-bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall;
This is a new birthing technique from France.
Windsor
04 May 1998
One two - buckle my shoe,
Three four - knock at the door,
Five six - pick up sticks,
Seven eight - lay them straight,
Nine ten - BINGO!
Windsor
04 May 1998
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow.
A Frenchman put a match to it,
And now it's all aglow.
Windsor
04 May 1998
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fine lady on a white horse.
Rings in her navel & studs in her lip,
Who'd have thought nipple rings would ever be hip?
Windsor
04 May 1998
Pussy cat, Pussy cat, Where have you been?
I've been up to London to visit the Queen.
Pussy cat, Pussy cat, What did you do there?
I told her: 'Geoffrey Archer must never be mayor.'
Windsor
04 May 1998
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Went into the gents - now we all know why.
Windsor
04 May 1998
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
There came a big spider and sat down beside her...
At least he said he was a spider!
Windsor
04 May 1998
Educationally-challenged Simon met a pie-person going to the fair.
Said educationally-challenged Simon to the pie-person: "BSE - Beware!"
Windsor
04 May 1998
Old King Cole was a merry old sole,
And a merry old sole was he.
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
And had a colonic irrigation.
Windsor
04 May 1998
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
Because she'd bought too many lottery tickets.
Windsor
04 May 1998
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do...obviously.
Windsor
04 May 1998
Little Boy Blue come blow your horn...
You must be very supple!
Windsor
04 May 1998
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And scored some more stuff on a spoon.
Windsor
04 May 1998
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And now he thinks he's a duck.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Hush-a-bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall;
This is a new birthing technique from France.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
One two - buckle my shoe,
Three four - knock at the door,
Five six - pick up sticks,
Seven eight - lay them straight,
Nine ten - BINGO!
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow.
A Frenchman put a match to it,
And now it's all aglow.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fine lady on a white horse.
Rings in her navel & studs in her lip,
Who'd have thought nipple rings would ever be hip?
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Went into the gents - now we all know why.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
There came a big spider and sat down beside her...
At least he said he was a spider!
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Educationally-challenged Simon met a pie-person going to the fair.
Said educationally-challenged Simon to the pie-person: "BSE - Beware!"
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Old King Cole was a merry old sole,
And a merry old sole was he.
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
And had a colonic irrigation.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
Because she'd bought too many lottery tickets.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do...obviously.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Little Boy Blue come blow your horn...
You must be very supple!
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And scored some more stuff on a spoon.
ISIHAC 5, Side 4
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And now he thinks he's a duck.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Hush-a-bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall;
This is a new birthing technique from France.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
One two - buckle my shoe,
Three four - knock at the door,
Five six - pick up sticks,
Seven eight - lay them straight,
Nine ten - BINGO!
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow.
A Frenchman put a match to it,
And now it's all aglow.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fine lady on a white horse.
Rings in her navel & studs in her lip,
Who'd have thought nipple rings would ever be hip?
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Pussy cat, Pussy cat, Where have you been?
I've been up to London to visit the Queen.
Pussy cat, Pussy cat, What did you do there?
I told her: 'Geoffrey Archer must never be mayor.'
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Went into the gents - now we all know why.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
There came a big spider and sat down beside her...
At least he said he was a spider!
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Educationally-challenged Simon met a pie-person going to the fair.
Said educationally-challenged Simon to the pie-person: "BSE - Beware!"
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Old King Cole was a merry old sole,
And a merry old sole was he.
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
And had a colonic irrigation.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
Because she'd bought too many lottery tickets.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do...obviously.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Little Boy Blue come blow your horn...
You must be very supple!
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And scored some more stuff on a spoon.
1998 Xmas Special Compilation
25 Dec 1998
Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck...and the mouse came out in sympathy.
ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggy a bone,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
So she fed it her mobile phone.
ISIHAC 1, Side 3
I'm the King of the castle, and you're a dirty rascal.
I'm a big fat banker, and you're a little...customer.
ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Simple Simon wore a walkman going to the fair.
Said simple Simon to the pieman..."What?"
ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown.
In and out of houses, and along seaside piers,
And when they finally catch him, he should get ten years.
ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Sing a song of...four hundred and eighty-three thousand pounds. ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
Whoops I've spilt them on your head,
I'm Jeremy Beadle.
ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Christmas is coming,
The goose is getting fat.
Please put a penny in,
I'm dying for a pee and I've got no loose change.
Kevin Hale
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed because he was on halucenogenic drugs.

23 May 1992
Georgie, porgie, pudding & pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
The next thing he did was have a quick snort,
And now he's a judge in the Supreme Court.

23 May 1992
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do...obviously.

23 May 1992
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggy a bone,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
So she fed it her mobile phone.

23 May 1992
The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men...
But then again, you know how people talk.

23 May 1992
Baa Baa Black Rod,
Have you any woolsack?
Yes sir. Yes sir. Three bags full (sack).
One for the speaker, she's now a dame,
One for Sir Geoffrey Howe who lives down the lane.

23 May 1992
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fine lady upon a white horse.
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
The reason I'm going - she's forgotten her clothes.

23 May 1992
Simple Simon wore a walkman going to the fair.
Said simple Simon to the pieman..."What?"

23 May 1992
Sing a song of...four hundred and eighty-three thousand pounds.
23 May 1992
Ladybird, ladybird,
Fly away home.
Your house is on fire,
And your children have been put in contact with the local social services.

23 May 1992
Jack Sprat would eat no fat,
His wife would eat no lean,
And so between them both, you see
They had very little in common.

23 May 1992
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep.
I'll tell her how to find them.
Since the Froggy farmers have done their worse
Look for the smoke coming out behind them.
Oxford
20 Jun 1992
I'm the King of the castle, and you're a dirty rascal.
I'm a big fat banker, and you're a little...customer.
Oxford
20 Jun 1992
Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck...and the mouse came out in sympathy.
Oxford
20 Jun 1992
There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived together...'til he fell off his yacht.
Oxford
20 Jun 1992
There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived together...'til he fell off his yacht.
ISIHAC 1, Side 3
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown.
In and out of houses, and along seaside piers,
And when they finally catch him, he should get ten years.
Oxford
20 Jun 1992
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
Whoops I've spilt them on your head,
I'm Jeremy Beadle.
Oxford
20 Jun 1992
From Ireland:

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "What have you got there?"
Pies!
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
Veni Vidi Vinci runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.
Rapping at the window, crying through the locks,
Are the children all in their owns beds 'cos this is not Neverland you know!
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From the Middle East:

The Grand Old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
He marched them into Fallujah,
And kind of wished he hadn't. Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From Texas:

Hush-a-bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock - You can bet your sweet life it will rock!
When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,
Oh, boy, see ya at the funeral, y'all. Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From Spain:

You shall have a fishy,
On a little dishy,
You shall have a fishy,
When the Spanish trawlermen get back from Cornwall.
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From India:

Ben Kingsley dressed up as Ghandi,
Went into a bar for a shandy.
To wipe up the froth,
He used his loin cloth,
And the barman said "Blimey. That's handy!" Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From India:

Half a pound of tupenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
Who ordered the treacle biryani?
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From France:

Humpty Dumpty sat on ze wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Into a bed of 'erbs and seasoning et voila - omelette! Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From France:

Three blind mice. See how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife, et voila - French provincial cuisine!
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From the UK:

Lavender's blue, diddle-diddle,
Lavender's green.
When I am King, diddle-diddle,
You will be the Duchess Of Cornwall.
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From San Fransisco:

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And scored some more stuff on a spoon. Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From France:

This little piggy went into the Common Market,
That little English piggy stayed at home.
This little piggy ate roast beef,
And this little piggy had none of it,
And this little piggy cried "Non non non non non!" all the way back to the referendum. Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
[ Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
There came a big spider, Who sat down beside her,
And said: "I'm not a spider really - fancy a leg over?" Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From Italy:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do - That's us Catholic countries for you! Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
[ My Mother said, I never should, Play with Greek waiters in {???unreadable}
If I did, She would say, You'll get pregnant Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
[ 226.795 grammes of 0.03 euro rice,
226.795 grammes of treacle.
That's the way the money goes,
Pop goes on a booze cruise. Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
[ Tom, Tom, the piper's son,
Stole a pig and away he ran.
The pig was eat and Tom was beat,
And Tom went howling down the street.
Tom was later made Mayor of the Pitcairn Islands. Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
[ Pussy cat, Pussy cat, Where have you been?
I've been up to London to look at the Queen.
Pussy cat, Pussy cat, did you find out that the day you went,
{???unreadable} President. Not broadcast]
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
From Australia:

One, Two, Kangaroo.
Three, Four, There's some more...kangaroo.
Five, Six, Kangaroo.
Seven, Eight, Kangaroo.
Nine, Ten, A big fat kangaroo.
Oxford
27 Jun 2005
[ Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's in the haystack, shagging Bo Peep. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fat.
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
...Or you won't get that Big Issue. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Goosey goosey gander. Wither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs, in the conference chamber.
There I met an old man who heckled Jack Straw,
So I took him by both arms and threw him out the door.
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
The north wind doth blow, and we shall have snow,
And what will the robin do then, poor thing?
He'll sit in the barn, and keep himself warm,
And hide from Bill Oddie, poor thing.
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ See-saw Marjory Daw.
Jackie shall have a new master.
Jackie shall have but a penny a day,
Because that's damn good money in {???unreadable}. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
Five potato, six potato, seven potato, more.
Eight potato, nine potato, yes they're all here
The contenders for the Tory leadership.
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Diddle Diddle dumpling. My son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on.
One shoe off and one shoe on -
Pissed as a fart...
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown, and phoned Clumsy Direct, the accident helpline for the greedy and accident-prone.
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ Little Tommy Tittlemouse, Lived in a bell house.
The bell house broke, Tommy Tittlemouse woke.
...And replaced Michael Winner in the E-Sure commercials. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
Five potato, six potato, seven potato, more.
Fern Britton's coming to dinner. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Wee Willie Winky...doesn't matter London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Fee Fi Fo Fum...is Chris Eubank's phone number London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
So she ate in Macdonalds,
And he in the school canteen.
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ Rub-a-dub-dub. Three men in a tub.
How do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker,
The construction worker, the motorcycle cop, the Red Indian, all at the YMCA Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ My Mother said, I never should,
Play with the Gipsies in the wood.
She's a Daily Mail columnist. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle.
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And Kate Moss ran away with the spoon. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ I'm a little teapot, short and stout.
Here's my handle, here's my spout.
When I see a teacup, here me shout:
"I suppose a cup's out of the question?" Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
Obviously... Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ This is the house that Jack built.
This is the malt that lay in the house that Jack built.
This is the rat that ate the malt that lay in the house that Jack built.
This is the cat that killed the rat that ate the malt that lay in the house that Jack built.
And this is the Channel Four executive desparate to make yet another property-based {??? unreadable}. Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
[ Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O.
And on this farm he had a break in. E-I-E-I-O.
With a Bang-Bang here and a Bang-Bang there... Not broadcast]
London Palladium
14 Nov 2005
(d?) after venue signifies a query regarding the Date of broadcast,
(??) signifies a query regarding Venue of broadcast


Back to www.isihac.org.uk

Copyright © 1998-2017 Kevin Hale. All rights reserved

Made with Cascading Style Sheets logo    Valid CSS!    Valid HTML 4.01!